Re: SSDD

[Guest guest]

(((((CmeBfree)))))

You are such an awesomely kind and compassionate person to be there for your dad

as he is dying; I hope that he is able to tell you how much he appreciates you

for that.

This is just my own opinion and you must choose whatever course of action feels

right to you, but to me there is nothing wrong with taking a " break " from your

nada for a while if your nada is being horribly insensitive, ignoring your

boundaries and dumping loads of EXTRA stress on you.

Think of it as just a " time out. " It doesn't have to be permanent if you don't

want it to be. Or think of it as taking a " vacation " from your nada and her

criticism, her bullying and her insensitivity.

You don't even have to say why you are deciding to take a break from your

relationship with her, if you don't want to. You could say or write something

like, " Mom, I'm just sending you this note to let you know that I will be out of

contact with you for a while. I need some alone-time so I can focus on myself

for a while. I don't think I'll be ready to resume contact until the early part

of next year; I'll drop you a line then. Thanks for understanding. " And then

block all her access to you. Your nada is an adult and she's not helpless or

dying; she is responsible for managing her own feelings and needs for a while.

But, like I said, that's what I would do; in fact, that is what I did. I sent a

similar brief note to my nada when I decided to go No Contact. I was done. But

I didn't tell her that I intended it to be permanent; I was rather a coward and

didn't want to do battle with her (again.) So I lied and made it sound like I

was going No Contact temporarily.

Even in retrospect, I feel that that was the kindest way I could withdraw from

my nada. I didn't want to beat her up, shame her or humiliate her. I was past

wanting to hurt her. I finally realized that she was incapable of change. She

took any kind of even mild criticism or merely a difference of opinion as a

challenge or as a rejection and the opening volley of a fight, and at that point

I was at the final frayed end of my rope and all I wanted was to detach, to

escape, and that seemed like the safest way for me to do it.

I hope you will find a solution that works for you. And I hope that you are

giving yourself breaks as you continue caring for your dad during his terminal

illness; I don't recommend that anyone try to be a nurse 24/7 all alone. Or to

put it more personally, it wasn't possible for ME to do that. A few years

after dad died, my nada needed a pretty major operation. At that time I was

still rather enmeshed with nada and I volunteered to stay with nada and nurse

her; but during that three months living with her and caring for her 24/7 I

developed a rather scary, deep depression. Even though my sweet Sister would

come and take over on the weekends to give me breaks, I still felt like a hollow

insect husk that the spider had sucked dry. It took me three more months back

home and back at work for me to even start feeling like myself again; it truly

scared me at how non-resilient and vulnerable I was to my nada's negativity.

I hope that you are availing yourself of any available social services or

private services that provide assistance with in-home hospice care: trained

hospice workers who will come in for a few hours a day or for a few days each

week to give you a chance to have some " down time. "

Best wishes to you.

-Annie

>

> For those that don't know what that stands for...Same Sh!t, Different Day.

>

> I haven't been on here in months I think. I was busy with school (which I had

to quit) , now I am busy with my dad, who has been diagnosed with terminal,

inoperable cancer. He is also too weak to receive chemo or any other treatment.

He and nada have been divorced for many years and I am here to help take care of

him.

>

> I am also dealing with the not so subtle digs from nada. She lives mere blocks

away and she has already brought up the same crap again that she drug out and

tried to bludgeon me with right after my late husbands funeral. (If you want to

see what that was about, search my online name, CmeBfree with the words, REALLY,

you want to do this NOW)

>

> I usually just put up my boundaries and enforce them along with consequences

without really explaining them to nada. I find that explaining boundaries and

consequences to just be asking for a fight with my nada. However, I am going to

cut off all contact if she doesn't leave this one alone. I have so much stress

and crap to deal with as it is. My dad is dying, I am trying to stay on top of

my son taking online classes, and the one year anniversary of my husbands

passing is less than a month away. I am also staying in my dad's run down house

which is a stress all its own. Bad, plumbing, bad insulation, everything sticks

or just won't work quite right and it is more than a bit dirty. I want to be

here for my dad and I will do everything I can, but if nada doesn't crawl outta

my butt, she is going to find herself exiled. I have enough to deal with.

>

> So should I even try to talk to her about this and how precariously close she

is to me going NC? Is it even worth it?

>

> CmeBfree

>

[Guest guest]

SSDD, boy, isn't THAT the truth. A NC period is definitely what I would do in

your shoes. Just like Annie said, gentle no argument message. Best of luck!