Re: How we respond

October 27, 2012

(((((Ash)))))

Your nada was horrifically abusive. I'm truly surprised that you and your older

sister were not removed from her care permanently. Apparently some arrangement

was made for your care while your mother was hospitalized, but if I understand

correctly it was not permanent.

No child should be left alone with a parent who is dysfunctional enough to bash

her preschool child's head against the wall hard enough to make blood spurt out,

and no child should be left alone with a parent who makes a serious suicide

attempt, in my opinion.

What astonishes me the most is that even though your mother was dysfunctional

enough to require hospitalization so that her mental illness was documented (she

was " in the system " ) that you and your sister were not rescued. I can't get

over that, it just defies all logic and reason.

The system failed you; your dad (if he was in the picture at all) failed you,

your grandparents/extended family failed you, and society failed to provide the

proper intervention and care for you and your sister. You are both lucky to

even be alive.

I agree with you: I think its the mentally ill and/or substance-abusing mothers

who are just functional enough to " skim under the radar " in public, but who are

actually violent with their kids and self-destructive/suicidal in private (when

they are alone with just their children).... THESE are the people who create the

tragic headlines about the murder or maiming their own children and often

themselves at the same time.

My own opinion is that our culture/society has a genuine " blind spot " about the

nature of motherhood, and views motherhood with an almost religious reverence.

Society seems to view all mothers as " all good. "

It has taken a very, very long time for our society/culture to (sadly,

regretfully) accept the notion that fathers and other male authority figures can

and do harm children, mostly sexually. Society in general was in deep denial

that incest is so prevalent: the idea that a father could sexually prey on his

own children (including the notion that brothers or uncles or grandfathers or

cousins could be sexual predators within their own families, or that priests

could be sexual predators within their own flock or parish)...that was a

shocking, forbidden topic not too long ago.

But that myth that fatherhood is somehow sacred and fathers can do no wrong to

their own children, has been shattered. Repeatedly. The Penn State scandal was

the most recent example of the shattering of the myth that a beloved adult male

authority figure / coach/ father would NEVER misuse his authority to sexually

exploit the children in his care.

The myth that mothers are all somehow above reproach, that motherhood is a

virtually sacred state of being, and that there is a " maternal instinct " that

prevents a mother from harming her own child even if the mother is obviously

severely mentally ill.... that is going to be the next myth that gets " busted. "

At least, I hope so.

-Annie

>

> I was thinking this morning about how we respond to our bpd nadas/fadas as

young children and how this affects our development later. I thought my blog

might be of interest to some.

>

> http://ashanam.wordpress.com/2012/10/27/growing-up-with-borderline/

>

October 27, 2012

Annie,

Thanks for reading. The 70s were not good years for child protection. My

social worker, I'm sure, did her best, but some judges are just assholes, and I

imagine that's what happened in my case. I was removed for a time, but then

returned.

I wasn't removed after the suicide attempt, because my mother wasn't there--she

was hospitalized, and so therefore not a threat. My aunt, I think, came for a

while.

What they didn't put together is that my dad was worse.

I think people have a blind spot generally for how evil ordinary human people

can be.

Thanks again,

Ashana

October 27, 2012

I should add to that that social services depends to a large extent on the

public to make reports. Social workers do follow up once you are in the system

for a while, but not indefinitely. If no further reports are made, then you

fall off the radar pretty quickly, as there are always new, more urgent cases

going on. But so much of the time people are too afraid or too discouraged

about what will happen after a report is made that they never make one in the

first place. And since there were no mandated reporting laws in those days, no

one may have made a report again.

October 27, 2012

AMEN to that!! Both Annie and Ash,

It just amazes me that people (family members) neighbors etc...just looked the

other way and convinced themselves... " oh I am sure she/he will be just fine, or

none of my business, I am sure it is not that bad! " BS! I grew up in the 60's

and 70's and to my knowledge I did not know of any hotline or number to call to

plead " Please get me out of her care " ! This cannot possibly be normal or healthy

I was just a young girl. I did not feel safe or nurtured nor wanted let a lone

valued or loved. The hate and rage was oozing out of her every pore every time

she spoke to me or raged or berated me daily!

I am very quick to come to someones defense when I see that they are being

talked down to or abused in anyway. The Sandusky scandal had my blood boiling

and still does, along with all the Catholic priests! I am sorry that all of us

had to be subjected to this and try to form healthy relationships and have high

self esteem and confidence through out the rest of our lives.

My Nada got away with it all and will never acknowledge any of it, she has

subsided quite a bit, but she is now 75 and I am 52!!

The first thought on my mind the second I start to wake up is thinking and

mourning how the last 52 yrs could have gone had I had the upbringing like most

of my peers! I just wanted to commend you Annie on your outstanding depth and

understanding every time you write to anyone. Ash, my heart aches for what you

endured. I subscribed to your Blog....thank you for writing it, I am listening

and care!

> >

> > I was thinking this morning about how we respond to our bpd nadas/fadas as

young children and how this affects our development later. I thought my blog

might be of interest to some.

> >

> > http://ashanam.wordpress.com/2012/10/27/growing-up-with-borderline/

> >

>

October 27, 2012

In the 70s, at least in California, there was someone you could call. Whether

it was a hotline, or just the Department of Child and Family Services, I don't

know. But I remember ads.

Unfortunately, I continue to hear reasons for not calling, including from people

who have lived very close to mentally unstable people and should know better.

On the one hand, one myth is that social services won't do anything anyway and

the parent will just take it out on the kid. Not generally true: when the cops

come out to your house, you generally behave at least for a while. If there is

an uptick in abuse, the parent usually will tell the child that it is because

the child told. Nonsense. The parent was going to abuse the child in any case.

They always have. If it hadn't been for telling, it would have been for

something else.

On the other, I hear that people are afraid of what will happen if the child is

removed--whether they will separated from the child, or if they will be able to

live with the guilt, or if they will be taken seriously, or if being removed

will just be more traumatic for the child.

It's shameful how much we think of ourselves when the welfare of children is at

stake. It's not about us. Period.

I was removed for a while. It helped. The abuse when I got back was

horrendous. But I don't wish I had never been taken away. Six months of love

and care and stable family life was worth it. That was the best part of my

childhood.

October 27, 2012

,

Thanks for reading!

Ashana

October 31, 2012

Ash,

I too was raised for a time in a loving household. My nada was in a psych ward

for at least six months when I was about six months til I was just over a year

old. What astounds me, is that nada and my dad came and got me with NO warning

within DAYS of nadas release from the hospital. I went to bed the doted on baby

with four older siblings and woke up alone with a woman they just let out of the

psych ward. I would hope that would never happen again in this day and age.

(this occurred in the late sixties)

C

>

> In the 70s, at least in California, there was someone you could call. Whether

it was a hotline, or just the Department of Child and Family Services, I don't

know. But I remember ads.

>

> Unfortunately, I continue to hear reasons for not calling, including from

people who have lived very close to mentally unstable people and should know

better. On the one hand, one myth is that social services won't do anything

anyway and the parent will just take it out on the kid. Not generally true:

when the cops come out to your house, you generally behave at least for a while.

If there is an uptick in abuse, the parent usually will tell the child that it

is because the child told. Nonsense. The parent was going to abuse the child

in any case. They always have. If it hadn't been for telling, it would have

been for something else.

>

> On the other, I hear that people are afraid of what will happen if the child

is removed--whether they will separated from the child, or if they will be able

to live with the guilt, or if they will be taken seriously, or if being removed

will just be more traumatic for the child.

>

> It's shameful how much we think of ourselves when the welfare of children is

at stake. It's not about us. Period.

>

> I was removed for a while. It helped. The abuse when I got back was

horrendous. But I don't wish I had never been taken away. Six months of love

and care and stable family life was worth it. That was the best part of my

childhood.

>

October 31, 2012

C,

I think that's pretty much what happened to me. I think there was a certain

amount of explaining that the social worker tried to do. I'm not sure. People

talked to me, but it's very difficult to remember what they said. I mainly

remember everyone seemed very upset about my return, which made me think I had

done something wrong. I think it really doesn't occur to anyone that abused

children do bond with their foster parents and being separated from them can be

more traumatic than being separated from birth parents. Much is made of the

importance of maintaining a bond with birth parents, but none with foster

parents who are sometimes the only source of nurturing a child has ever known.

That was in about 1985.

Take care,

Ashana

November 1, 2012

wow, that was the year I was finishing high school. you are a younun :-)

I sometimes say that brief time was where I pulled my strength from to be myself

and do what I needed to survive. My dad was supportive and he was someone I

could have differing opinions with and not be excommunicated from his love and

affection, unlike nada. I can still remember as a pre-schooler being so excited

to go to my aunt and uncles house and I would run all over making sure

everything was the same. I never realized that it was because I had spent so

much time there. I also never noticed that my dad would take me there, but nada

never came with us. It was only as an adult, that I put those things together.

C

>

> C,

>

> I think that's pretty much what happened to me. I think there was a certain