Guest guest Posted October 28, 2012 Report Share Posted October 28, 2012 If I were you I'd listen to this fear! I realized that I was a child with a fear of being killed by my mother. That's a hard thing to realize on the conscious level and I think it goes against what we're " supposed " to feel. In other words if you feel this way, there's probably a very good reason! > ** > > > Hello, > > It's been a LONG time since I have posted anything, but I am needing some > advice and am wondering if I am just having irrational fear or if others > have experienced the same thing with their borderline parent. > > So here's the question. Have any of you been afraid that your borderline > parent would kill you? I've had this fear for several years now. She's > gotten worse over the past several years and I've finally limited contact > with my mother to just email, but she is wanting to come up and visit my > sister and I for Christmas. Upon discussing this with my sister, I started > having anxiety. She has been violent with me in the past and she doesn't > think rationally. I would prefer to see her only in " controlled " settings, > such as in a public place. But if she comes, she will most likely stay with > my sister. My sister doesn't like this idea either, but if we ask her to > stay in a hotel, that is only going to spark problems from the get go. > > Do any of you have this same fear, that your borderline parent is so > devious and irrational that you are afraid they would harm you or your > family? Do you think your fears or my fears are sound? Could you share any > of your experiences? > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 29, 2012 Report Share Posted October 29, 2012 Yes yes yes! Absolutely. Both myself and my sister have felt this way countless times about our Nada. There have been times where her mood/energy are so dark, combined with the fact she has gotten aggressive/ throwing objects at us in the past... just makes us feel that deep down, she hates us and may cross that line and actually kill us. My sister specifically has a fear that nada might stab her to death. I have had fears that nada would literally drive into a tree in order to kill me. Sometimes when nada is in a really bad mood, a dark aura, literally, appears around her, and I've had this conversation and found out I'm not alone in this observation - it's something you can see from a distance, dozens of yards away. When she gets a look of blackness around her eyes, it's so frightening, it's like a zombie in a horror movie, and times like that have been when I the most afraid for my life. I had panic attacks and kept myself " safe " by hiding in the bathtub, locking all the doors, and waiting until nada left home before I would come out into the house. Needless to say, once I realized it had gotten that bad, I decided I could never be in the same house with her, and I do not go around her, I do not visit, because that is how traumatizing things were in the past. I also KNEW by the time I was only 13 or 14 years old that something about nada was so dangerous, I could never leave children or pets around her. So basically my whole life I've known that any kids or pets I may have will NEVER be left alone with her. I will never allow anyone I love to be subject to the traumatizing abuse I endured from her. > > Hello, > > It's been a LONG time since I have posted anything, but I am needing some advice and am wondering if I am just having irrational fear or if others have experienced the same thing with their borderline parent. > > So here's the question. Have any of you been afraid that your borderline parent would kill you? I've had this fear for several years now. She's gotten worse over the past several years and I've finally limited contact with my mother to just email, but she is wanting to come up and visit my sister and I for Christmas. Upon discussing this with my sister, I started having anxiety. She has been violent with me in the past and she doesn't think rationally. I would prefer to see her only in " controlled " settings, such as in a public place. But if she comes, she will most likely stay with my sister. My sister doesn't like this idea either, but if we ask her to stay in a hotel, that is only going to spark problems from the get go. > > Do any of you have this same fear, that your borderline parent is so devious and irrational that you are afraid they would harm you or your family? Do you think your fears or my fears are sound? Could you share any of your experiences? > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 29, 2012 Report Share Posted October 29, 2012 RE Dangerous nada: I remember an incident vividly from when I was about 17, my nada became ballistically enraged with me while driving us back home from a shopping trip. We'd found a bedspread and towels for me for when I moved into my dorm room at college. I had failed to win a scholarship but nada and dad were still sending me to college anyway. I was so grateful to them, and in the car I told my nada how much I appreciated it. I said that I'd find a way to pay the costs back, because I knew they'd been expecting me to win the scholarship. For reasons I still cannot fathom, my nada exploded with RAGE so intense, that I genuinely thought she was going to kill both of us with the car. She began screaming at me, glaring at me instead of looking at the road, and pushing the gas pedal to the floor. She was out of her mind. I became hysterical and begged her to stop the car, but she kept weaving and speeding, drifting from one side of the road to the other as she screamed abuse at me. By some miracle we made it home OK, but by then I was in hysterics. I couldn't stop crying and shaking; I might have been in shock, even. I don't remember ever learning what my nada thought I'd said, or why she erupted in such a killer rage at me. That was one of the three times in my whole life (that I can recall) that my dad intervened; he stepped in, kept nada away from me and tried to calm her down while I sat frozen on the couch, shaking and crying " What did I do? I don't understand, what did I do? " My nada was somewhat into " getting back " at me for things that I said or did that she perceived as disrespectful, but none of those were life-threatening; just humiliating and shaming. However, here at this Group, I do remember reading a post from a member (from several years' back) who wondered if her nada was poisoning her dad's food. There was another poster who related that her nada aimed a loaded gun at her head but shot the wall beside her head. Yet another poster related how her nada seemed to " forget " that the poster was allergic to a particular food, and kept " accidentally " adding that allergen to foods she'd prepared for her daughter to eat. My own personal opinion is that those with bpd who go so far as to coldly, calculatedly, deliberately plan and attempt to harm others are probably not " just " bpd (as though that's not a tragedy all by itself) but I think such individuals probably have antisocial pd traits or psychopathy as well. If your nada has a history of revenge behaviors or calculated but covert behaviors intended to physically harm you, then I personally would plan to NEVER be alone with her if and when she visits, if you still want to remain in contact with her. If so, I would not have her stay in my home, even if that caused a blow-up. But that's me; you must decide what feels the most workable for you. -Annie > > Hello, > > It's been a LONG time since I have posted anything, but I am needing some advice and am wondering if I am just having irrational fear or if others have experienced the same thing with their borderline parent. > > So here's the question. Have any of you been afraid that your borderline parent would kill you? I've had this fear for several years now. She's gotten worse over the past several years and I've finally limited contact with my mother to just email, but she is wanting to come up and visit my sister and I for Christmas. Upon discussing this with my sister, I started having anxiety. She has been violent with me in the past and she doesn't think rationally. I would prefer to see her only in " controlled " settings, such as in a public place. But if she comes, she will most likely stay with my sister. My sister doesn't like this idea either, but if we ask her to stay in a hotel, that is only going to spark problems from the get go. > > Do any of you have this same fear, that your borderline parent is so devious and irrational that you are afraid they would harm you or your family? Do you think your fears or my fears are sound? Could you share any of your experiences? > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 29, 2012 Report Share Posted October 29, 2012 Hi, I highly recommend the book The Gift of Fear, by Gavin de Becker, It is so difficult to consider that the person who is supposed to be our foremost protector and defender, *and is believed to be so* by almost all of those around us, may actually be our greatest danger, and liability. A few months ago, I kind of melted down, when the full impact of this ugly, devastating truth really hit home for me. It came at a time when my own health issues were deeply compromised, and to get thru it all I just had to shut down. I have only recently begun posting again, myself. Annie's description of her experience with her Nada, in the car, is a familiar one to me. I never knew what would set my Nada off - I could be reading a book, or looking out the window, and my Nada would decide that I was 'sulking' or 'had an attitude,' and erupt in violent and relentless rage. She would beat me to the ground, kneel on my chest, red faced and screaming, with spittle flying in my face. Oddly, what she was usually screaming was 'I'm not hurting you!' She convinced neighbors that I had 'spoiled fits' over issues like chocolate ice cream, and toys, to explain my cries, and the sounds of the beatings. I also agree with Annie, that those individuals who behave in extreme ways may have a co-morbid disorder, or be at the extreme end of the BPD spectrum. My own Nada seems to be among that extreme group. She gets even for perceived (actually mis-perceived) slights. No-one is exempt from her spite and vengeance, and she never forgets or lets go of a grudge. For some reasons I am too uncomfortable to go into in depth, on any board, I am scared stupid of her. I will never see her again, and It breaks my heart, and the conflicting and confusing emotions feel like a tornado in my heart and mind. Growing up with BPD Nada, we become acclimated to their perverse and contradictory behaviors, and loose our sense of balance and proportion in regard to these behaviors. We would get all the answers right on a quiz about what is appropriate and acceptable behavior for parent-child interactions, however, we don't seem to be able to apply this info. to our Nadas. It will not matter whether or not you ask your Nada to stay in a hotel - the whole trip is going to end up in the toilet anyway, *because**,* she is BPD. Her reality and motives are virtually unfathomable to non-BPDs, because we * cannot* think the way they do. Best of Luck to you, and your sister ! On Mon, Oct 29, 2012 at 12:20 PM, anuria67854 anuria-67854@...>wrote: > ** > > > RE Dangerous nada: I remember an incident vividly from when I was about > 17, my nada became ballistically enraged with me while driving us back home > from a shopping trip. We'd found a bedspread and towels for me for when I > moved into my dorm room at college. I had failed to win a scholarship but > nada and dad were still sending me to college anyway. > > I was so grateful to them, and in the car I told my nada how much I > appreciated it. I said that I'd find a way to pay the costs back, because I > knew they'd been expecting me to win the scholarship. > > For reasons I still cannot fathom, my nada exploded with RAGE so intense, > that I genuinely thought she was going to kill both of us with the car. She > began screaming at me, glaring at me instead of looking at the road, and > pushing the gas pedal to the floor. She was out of her mind. I became > hysterical and begged her to stop the car, but she kept weaving and > speeding, drifting from one side of the road to the other as she screamed > abuse at me. By some miracle we made it home OK, but by then I was in > hysterics. I couldn't stop crying and shaking; I might have been in shock, > even. I don't remember ever learning what my nada thought I'd said, or why > she erupted in such a killer rage at me. That was one of the three times in > my whole life (that I can recall) that my dad intervened; he stepped in, > kept nada away from me and tried to calm her down while I sat frozen on the > couch, shaking and crying " What did I do? I don't understand, what did I > do? " > > My nada was somewhat into " getting back " at me for things that I said or > did that she perceived as disrespectful, but none of those were > life-threatening; just humiliating and shaming. > > However, here at this Group, I do remember reading a post from a member > (from several years' back) who wondered if her nada was poisoning her dad's > food. There was another poster who related that her nada aimed a loaded gun > at her head but shot the wall beside her head. Yet another poster related > how her nada seemed to " forget " that the poster was allergic to a > particular food, and kept " accidentally " adding that allergen to foods > she'd prepared for her daughter to eat. > > My own personal opinion is that those with bpd who go so far as to coldly, > calculatedly, deliberately plan and attempt to harm others are probably not > " just " bpd (as though that's not a tragedy all by itself) but I think such > individuals probably have antisocial pd traits or psychopathy as well. > > If your nada has a history of revenge behaviors or calculated but covert > behaviors intended to physically harm you, then I personally would plan to > NEVER be alone with her if and when she visits, if you still want to remain > in contact with her. If so, I would not have her stay in my home, even if > that caused a blow-up. But that's me; you must decide what feels the most > workable for you. > > -Annie > > > > > > > Hello, > > > > It's been a LONG time since I have posted anything, but I am needing > some advice and am wondering if I am just having irrational fear or if > others have experienced the same thing with their borderline parent. > > > > So here's the question. Have any of you been afraid that your borderline > parent would kill you? I've had this fear for several years now. She's > gotten worse over the past several years and I've finally limited contact > with my mother to just email, but she is wanting to come up and visit my > sister and I for Christmas. Upon discussing this with my sister, I started > having anxiety. She has been violent with me in the past and she doesn't > think rationally. I would prefer to see her only in " controlled " settings, > such as in a public place. But if she comes, she will most likely stay with > my sister. My sister doesn't like this idea either, but if we ask her to > stay in a hotel, that is only going to spark problems from the get go. > > > > Do any of you have this same fear, that your borderline parent is so > devious and irrational that you are afraid they would harm you or your > family? Do you think your fears or my fears are sound? Could you share any > of your experiences? > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 29, 2012 Report Share Posted October 29, 2012 I like your post a lot. It jibes with my experiences. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 29, 2012 Report Share Posted October 29, 2012 Thanks for the replies. It's really disturbing to think that so many people experience fear of a parent/parents. My mom could be really loving at times, and then become a person I don't know. She has gotten much, much worse with age and it's so sad to see. It's worse than losing a parent to cancer or something because I have lost her. I want to have a relationship with my mother, and at the same time, I am afraid of her. After speaking with my sister, I was having a lot of anxiety about my mother coming. So last night, I had one of my recurring dreams where I am being chased by someone (in this case it was my mother) and I kept having to hide and escape. I could fly to get away and hide behind buildings, but she was always able to find me somehow. Does anyone else experience dreams like this? Also, my mother has had these issues for as long as I can remember, but it seems that over time she has become worse(albeit her isolation has gotten worse too - I don't know if this is the chicken or the egg, however) I don't know if it's that she got worse, or in the past several years, now that my sister and I are adults and not putting up with her antics any longer, that she is now receiving consequences for her actions, and she is acting out more because she is like the child who throws the tantrum when things don't go her way. The thing is, now that things are " revealed " no one wants to be around her. My father left her, and I don't converse with her anymore, my sister barely speaks to her, but this has only made my mom more angry, violent and manipulative because she can't control anyone anymore. Has any of your mothers (or fathers) gotten worse over the years? How do you keep a relationship with them? > > > > > > Hello, > > > > > > It's been a LONG time since I have posted anything, but I am needing > > some advice and am wondering if I am just having irrational fear or if > > others have experienced the same thing with their borderline parent. > > > > > > So here's the question. Have any of you been afraid that your borderline > > parent would kill you? I've had this fear for several years now. She's > > gotten worse over the past several years and I've finally limited contact > > with my mother to just email, but she is wanting to come up and visit my > > sister and I for Christmas. Upon discussing this with my sister, I started > > having anxiety. She has been violent with me in the past and she doesn't > > think rationally. I would prefer to see her only in " controlled " settings, > > such as in a public place. But if she comes, she will most likely stay with > > my sister. My sister doesn't like this idea either, but if we ask her to > > stay in a hotel, that is only going to spark problems from the get go. > > > > > > Do any of you have this same fear, that your borderline parent is so > > devious and irrational that you are afraid they would harm you or your > > family? Do you think your fears or my fears are sound? Could you share any > > of your experiences? > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 29, 2012 Report Share Posted October 29, 2012 IMHO, if you feel afraid of your nada, you should heed that fear warning and stay far, far away. In my own experience, I lived with so much trauma that I don't feel fear when I should, and I tend to be way too tolerant of really inappropriate behavior. I go numb, like I did in order to survive as a child, and forget to get out of the way and protect myself. > > > > > > > > Hello, > > > > > > > > It's been a LONG time since I have posted anything, but I am needing > > > some advice and am wondering if I am just having irrational fear or if > > > others have experienced the same thing with their borderline parent. > > > > > > > > So here's the question. Have any of you been afraid that your borderline > > > parent would kill you? I've had this fear for several years now. She's > > > gotten worse over the past several years and I've finally limited contact > > > with my mother to just email, but she is wanting to come up and visit my > > > sister and I for Christmas. Upon discussing this with my sister, I started > > > having anxiety. She has been violent with me in the past and she doesn't > > > think rationally. I would prefer to see her only in " controlled " settings, > > > such as in a public place. But if she comes, she will most likely stay with > > > my sister. My sister doesn't like this idea either, but if we ask her to > > > stay in a hotel, that is only going to spark problems from the get go. > > > > > > > > Do any of you have this same fear, that your borderline parent is so > > > devious and irrational that you are afraid they would harm you or your > > > family? Do you think your fears or my fears are sound? Could you share any > > > of your experiences? > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 30, 2012 Report Share Posted October 30, 2012 I have nightmares about my nada doing various things. Most commonly I dream about her discovering that my sister is with me and stalking me in an attempt to get to my sister. (My sister is NC and nada has no idea how to reach her other than through me.) I wouldn't exactly say that my nada has gotten worse over the years. Her behavior has changed. In some ways she is better, probably because I've been enforcing my boundaries really strongly since my sister graduated from college and got out of her clutches and she wants me to do things for her more than she wants to be nasty to me. In other ways she is worse. I maintain a relationship with her by refusing to put up with bad behavior. She can behave as badly as she wants, but I won't subject myself to it. I leave or hang up the phone as necessary. If that makes her throw a tantrum, that's her problem, not mine. At 09:39 PM 10/29/2012 MoM wrote: >Thanks for the replies. It's really disturbing to think that >so many people experience fear of a parent/parents. > >My mom could be really loving at times, and then become a >person I don't know. She has gotten much, much worse with age >and it's so sad to see. It's worse than losing a parent to >cancer or something because I have lost her. I want to have a >relationship with my mother, and at the same time, I am afraid >of her. > >After speaking with my sister, I was having a lot of anxiety >about my mother coming. So last night, I had one of my >recurring dreams where I am being chased by someone (in this >case it was my mother) and I kept having to hide and escape. I >could fly to get away and hide behind buildings, but she was >always able to find me somehow. > >Does anyone else experience dreams like this? Also, my mother >has had these issues for as long as I can remember, but it >seems that over time she has become worse(albeit her isolation >has gotten worse too - I don't know if this is the chicken or >the egg, however) I don't know if it's that she got worse, or >in the past several years, now that my sister and I are adults >and not putting up with her antics any longer, that she is now >receiving consequences for her actions, and she is acting out >more because she is like the child who throws the tantrum when >things don't go her way. The thing is, now that things are > " revealed " no one wants to be around her. My father left her, >and I don't converse with her anymore, my sister barely speaks >to her, but this has only made my mom more angry, violent and >manipulative because she can't control anyone anymore. > >Has any of your mothers (or fathers) gotten worse over the >years? How do you keep a relationship with them? -- Katrina Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 30, 2012 Report Share Posted October 30, 2012 Thank you for posting. I think this is the only forum that a person who does not meet the legal definition of having experience " child abuse " can adequately express themselves. My NADA's presence increases my anxiety level. Just hearing her voice, especially when she is being nice to me, causes me to brace myself for what is next. My NADA is a high functioning BPD/HPD and everyone assumes she is very kind and sweet. I would say most of her un-nice behaviors were directed at me. Most in my family think I am mean as I maintain boundaries with her for my own well being. My brother's experience with her is the complete opposite. Giving our age- gap, he experienced a loving mother where I experienced erratic mood swings and never knew when I would be the target for her verbal lashing or slapping my face. To this day, I don't like people to touch my face and if someone is talking to me and makes facial expressions that show hostility I become defensive. I wish I had a mother that I genuinely liked, loved and respected. > > >Thanks for the replies. It's really disturbing to think that > >so many people experience fear of a parent/parents. > > > >My mom could be really loving at times, and then become a > >person I don't know. She has gotten much, much worse with age > >and it's so sad to see. It's worse than losing a parent to > >cancer or something because I have lost her. I want to have a > >relationship with my mother, and at the same time, I am afraid > >of her. > > > >After speaking with my sister, I was having a lot of anxiety > >about my mother coming. So last night, I had one of my > >recurring dreams where I am being chased by someone (in this > >case it was my mother) and I kept having to hide and escape. I > >could fly to get away and hide behind buildings, but she was > >always able to find me somehow. > > > >Does anyone else experience dreams like this? Also, my mother > >has had these issues for as long as I can remember, but it > >seems that over time she has become worse(albeit her isolation > >has gotten worse too - I don't know if this is the chicken or > >the egg, however) I don't know if it's that she got worse, or > >in the past several years, now that my sister and I are adults > >and not putting up with her antics any longer, that she is now > >receiving consequences for her actions, and she is acting out > >more because she is like the child who throws the tantrum when > >things don't go her way. The thing is, now that things are > > " revealed " no one wants to be around her. My father left her, > >and I don't converse with her anymore, my sister barely speaks > >to her, but this has only made my mom more angry, violent and > >manipulative because she can't control anyone anymore. > > > >Has any of your mothers (or fathers) gotten worse over the > >years? How do you keep a relationship with them? > > -- > Katrina > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 30, 2012 Report Share Posted October 30, 2012 For what its worth, I think that some of the things that my nada did to my little Sister and me did fall into the legal definition of child abuse. I think striking a child with an object like a leather belt or hairbrush enough to raise welts, break the skin and draw blood, (and other punishments that I can't bring myself to mention) would have gotten my nada at least a warning or something from Child Protective Services if they'd seen her in action. Sister shared with me fairly recently that when Sister was about 6, our nada became enraged at Sister because she thought my little Sister had been using nada's makeup and eyebrow pencil. Sister said that our mother was bellowing and screaming like an animal as she scrubbed Sister's face with a washcloth and soap, but when the " makeup " didn't come off nada became more enraged; nada actually took a scouring pad, an SOS pad made of hair-thin metal fibers, and scrubbed it hard across my Sister's eyebrow and eye area. Nada went ballistic for nothing; my little Sister just had naturally dark, pretty eyebrows that our nada nearly scraped off her face. Nada badly abraded my Sisters skin, drew blood, caused a bad rash, and nearly eliminated her eyebrows altogether. She could have blinded my little Sister if any of those metal fibers had been driven into the screaming, terrified child's eyes. Like I've said before, my own personal opinion is that an individual who is as emotionally disregulated, perfectionistic, controlling, unempathetic and easily triggered into rage as my nada was has no business raising children alone and unsupervised. My nada needed supervision. The worst of the physical abuse she inflicted on us kids was always done when dad was at work or out of the house, when it was just us kids (or just one of us kids) and no other adult witnesses. In a way, its worse when the person with bpd is high-functioning enough to consciously hide their abusive acts and make up plausible reasons to explain why their little child is upset, injured or being given a " time out " alone in their room, for days. The child recipients of chronic, covert physica & emotionall abuse by their own parents, are basically screwed. I think pedophile parents are in the same category, in a way. Child predators commit covert sexual abuse on their kids, whereas my nada covertly abused her kids physically and emotionally. Well, and quasi-sexually as well, but I don't think I can bring myself to share that. So, I really see very little difference, myself. The abuse is carefully covert because the parent *knows* that its wrong to do that to your own child, but they do it anyway. Because they can. -Annie > > Thank you for posting. I think this is the only forum that a person who does not meet the legal definition of having experience " child abuse " can adequately express themselves. My NADA's presence increases my anxiety level. Just hearing her voice, especially when she is being nice to me, causes me to brace myself for what is next. My NADA is a high functioning BPD/HPD and everyone assumes she is very kind and sweet. I would say most of her un-nice behaviors were directed at me. Most in my family think I am mean as I maintain boundaries with her for my own well being. My brother's experience with her is the complete opposite. Giving our age- gap, he experienced a loving mother where I experienced erratic mood swings and never knew when I would be the target for her verbal lashing or slapping my face. To this day, I don't like people to touch my face and if someone is talking to me and makes facial expressions that show hostility I become defensive. > > I wish I had a mother that I genuinely liked, loved and respected. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 30, 2012 Report Share Posted October 30, 2012 covert abuse is the worst!! On Tue, Oct 30, 2012 at 7:04 PM, anuria67854 anuria-67854@...>wrote: > ** > > > For what its worth, I think that some of the things that my nada did to my > little Sister and me did fall into the legal definition of child abuse. I > think striking a child with an object like a leather belt or hairbrush > enough to raise welts, break the skin and draw blood, (and other > punishments that I can't bring myself to mention) would have gotten my nada > at least a warning or something from Child Protective Services if they'd > seen her in action. > > Sister shared with me fairly recently that when Sister was about 6, our > nada became enraged at Sister because she thought my little Sister had been > using nada's makeup and eyebrow pencil. Sister said that our mother was > bellowing and screaming like an animal as she scrubbed Sister's face with a > washcloth and soap, but when the " makeup " didn't come off nada became more > enraged; nada actually took a scouring pad, an SOS pad made of hair-thin > metal fibers, and scrubbed it hard across my Sister's eyebrow and eye area. > Nada went ballistic for nothing; my little Sister just had naturally dark, > pretty eyebrows that our nada nearly scraped off her face. Nada badly > abraded my Sisters skin, drew blood, caused a bad rash, and nearly > eliminated her eyebrows altogether. She could have blinded my little Sister > if any of those metal fibers had been driven into the screaming, terrified > child's eyes. > > Like I've said before, my own personal opinion is that an individual who > is as emotionally disregulated, perfectionistic, controlling, unempathetic > and easily triggered into rage as my nada was has no business raising > children alone and unsupervised. My nada needed supervision. The worst of > the physical abuse she inflicted on us kids was always done when dad was at > work or out of the house, when it was just us kids (or just one of us kids) > and no other adult witnesses. > > In a way, its worse when the person with bpd is high-functioning enough to > consciously hide their abusive acts and make up plausible reasons to > explain why their little child is upset, injured or being given a " time > out " alone in their room, for days. The child recipients of chronic, covert > physica & emotionall abuse by their own parents, are basically screwed. > > I think pedophile parents are in the same category, in a way. Child > predators commit covert sexual abuse on their kids, whereas my nada > covertly abused her kids physically and emotionally. Well, and > quasi-sexually as well, but I don't think I can bring myself to share that. > > So, I really see very little difference, myself. > > The abuse is carefully covert because the parent *knows* that its wrong to > do that to your own child, but they do it anyway. Because they can. > > -Annie > > > > > > > Thank you for posting. I think this is the only forum that a person who > does not meet the legal definition of having experience " child abuse " can > adequately express themselves. My NADA's presence increases my anxiety > level. Just hearing her voice, especially when she is being nice to me, > causes me to brace myself for what is next. My NADA is a high functioning > BPD/HPD and everyone assumes she is very kind and sweet. I would say most > of her un-nice behaviors were directed at me. Most in my family think I am > mean as I maintain boundaries with her for my own well being. My brother's > experience with her is the complete opposite. Giving our age- gap, he > experienced a loving mother where I experienced erratic mood swings and > never knew when I would be the target for her verbal lashing or slapping my > face. To this day, I don't like people to touch my face and if someone is > talking to me and makes facial expressions that show hostility I become > defensive. > > > > I wish I had a mother that I genuinely liked, loved and respected. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 30, 2012 Report Share Posted October 30, 2012 OMG, that's terrible, and yes, that would be considered " legal " abuse. Scouring a child's face, or anyone's face, is physical abuse. I was horrified while reading your post. I agree with your last part about how it's worse when the parent knows what they are doing is wrong. My mom used to tell me the classic " you should never tell anyone what goes on behind our closed doors. You don't know what goes on behind other people's closed doors, so they have no right to know what goes on behind ours. " As a child, I took this very matter of fact. I thought everyone's family was like ours and didn't think twice about it. It was only when I was an adult that I realized that this line my mother fed me was a classic " abuse line. " But it really tells me that she knew what she was doing was wrong. It makes it harder for me to have sympathy towards her. When I lived overseas for a couple years, I knew abusive parents who really and truly know no better because that is how they were raised and it was part of their culture. My mom grew up in an abusive home too, but at the same time, she also knows better. But, what is conflicting, is at the same time, I know that she does, somewhere, " love " us, and she showed us affection when we were growing up, (alternating with craziness and violence) and that she really wants to have a good relationship with us, but sadly, she wants in on her disordered terms and doesn't know how to have a healthy relationship - at all! I can see how she longs for a relationship, but she also won't admit that she has done anything wrong or that she has hurt us in any way. She claims that it is everyone (and I mean everyone) that has hurt her. She has only " loved. " In many ways, the answer is so simple, and she would be able to have a good relationship with us if she was open to accepting the truth and moving on, but she can't. She has convinced herself that she is the victim. > > > > Thank you for posting. I think this is the only forum that a person who does not meet the legal definition of having experience " child abuse " can adequately express themselves. My NADA's presence increases my anxiety level. Just hearing her voice, especially when she is being nice to me, causes me to brace myself for what is next. My NADA is a high functioning BPD/HPD and everyone assumes she is very kind and sweet. I would say most of her un-nice behaviors were directed at me. Most in my family think I am mean as I maintain boundaries with her for my own well being. My brother's experience with her is the complete opposite. Giving our age- gap, he experienced a loving mother where I experienced erratic mood swings and never knew when I would be the target for her verbal lashing or slapping my face. To this day, I don't like people to touch my face and if someone is talking to me and makes facial expressions that show hostility I become defensive. > > > > I wish I had a mother that I genuinely liked, loved and respected. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 31, 2012 Report Share Posted October 31, 2012 fauntine, I really resonate with the last part of your post. My nada paints herself as the victim and is always saying " if only this person or that had done this differently, then all would have been better " She refuses to take any responsibility for her own actions and mostly won't even admit to doing anything but " loving us " when she starts in on this crap, I just roll my eyes and find other things to do or my phone is going dead or whatever I have to do to get away from her pathetic pity party she is throwing for herself. My brother has essentially said he won't have a relationship with her unless she admits what she did and since that won't ever happen, he is NC. C > I can see how she longs for a relationship, but she also won't admit that she has done anything wrong or that she has hurt us in any way. She claims that it is everyone (and I mean everyone) that has hurt her. She has only " loved. " In many ways, the answer is so simple, and she would be able to have a good relationship with us if she was open to accepting the truth and moving on, but she can't. She has convinced herself that she is the victim. > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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