Taking Back Your Power

[Guest guest]

So I've been told repeatedly by a counselor and a mentor that I give nada too

much power and I need to take that back. I wish someone would give me concrete

examples of what this looks like.

Can anyone share some of their own success stories in taking back their power?

Thanks you.

Kari

[Guest guest]

Kari,

This is an ongoing area of growth and learning for me; however, I recognize I

can:

Say Yes or No to requests/ demands

I can choose to Engage or Not, ie, contact or no contact

I have a right to set my boundaries which are healthy and comfortable for me.

I am working to be fair to both of us, but when in conflict I am choosing me.

One area I am finding success with is to be consistent. I have weathered my

NADA's displeasure and discomfort with some of my choices but I have been

consistent. And that goes for both distance and contact. As you begin to

prioritize you, your thoughts, your feelings and dreams your NADA will throw a

fit but by being consistent over time that will abate. If not, you can choose

your level of contact.

I remind myself that I am no longer a disenfranchised child but an empowered

adult.

Peace and Blessings,

MyReality

>

> So I've been told repeatedly by a counselor and a mentor that I give nada too

much power and I need to take that back. I wish someone would give me concrete

examples of what this looks like.

>

> Can anyone share some of their own success stories in taking back their power?

>

> Thanks you.

> Kari

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks for your suggestions.

Someone else emailed me about a post on Medium Chill.

Can someone please explain that to me?

> >

> > So I've been told repeatedly by a counselor and a mentor that I give nada

too much power and I need to take that back. I wish someone would give me

concrete examples of what this looks like.

> >

> > Can anyone share some of their own success stories in taking back their

power?

> >

> > Thanks you.

> > Kari

> >

>

[Guest guest]

That was probably me. " Medium Chill " is just a technique of being emotionally

neutral, bland, polite but tepid, aka kind of boring when you find that you must

be around a " difficult " or personality-disordered person.

The article is pretty short. Its at post #132289 of this Group. (Adding Files

to this Group has been disabled, or I'd put it there.) You can also find the

article using Google.

Its not meant to be a whole lifestyle or a long-term solution, or used with

everyone, its just a " bandaid " or temporary aide for avoiding conflict with an

emotionally needy, aggressive, hostile, or demanding person who is trying to

engage you or get an emotional reaction out of you (as those with bpd have a

tendency to do.)

For me, its sort of the emotional equivalent of holding my breath while I'm

underwater; holding my breath/not breathing is NOT a normal behavior, but if I

hold my breath when I'm under water then I don't drown. (I was able to " come up

for air " when my Sister and I were able to spend some time together without

nada. That was great.)

I shared it because it worked OK for me (at a weekend event that my nada and I

were both attending, about a year after I'd gone No Contact with her) but each

of us has to figure out what will or will not work for each of us, individually.

-Annie

>

> Thanks for your suggestions.

>

> Someone else emailed me about a post on Medium Chill.

>

> Can someone please explain that to me?

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks for the explanation! Switching to emotional neutral, bland, polite and

boring is how I survived my upbringing, however it lasted until I was 27.

That's pretty much how I behave whenever I'm around nada anyway.

There is a new personality disordered one who's cohabitating with one of my

kids. I've already gone to Medium Chill once with that person too, after

getting slapped in the face by their sense of entitlement.

Also, I'm doing a study on the word " Honor " because I'm struggling with trying

to figuring out what to do with the commandment to " Honor Your Parents. " Due to

her recent nastiness, I've stopped interacting with nada unless absolutely

necessary - and even when necessary I proceed with caution. Also now that she's

a widow, I'm also struggling with how to handle " Take care of Widows and

Orphans. " So I'd like to know how any of you have resolved these or similar

issues within yourselves.

Writing this I just realized I probably qualify as an Orphan. My father was the

only one who was a decent parent to me. Nada has always treated me more like an

unwanted step-child than her only daughter. Guess that means its time for me to

start taking care of myself!

Looking forward to hearing your responses!

> >

> > Thanks for your suggestions.

> >

> > Someone else emailed me about a post on Medium Chill.

> >

> > Can someone please explain that to me?

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Well, that was really just an overview; the article discusses specific

techniques.

You are in luck if you wish to discuss the whole bpd family member/loved one

issue from a Christian perspective:

WTOChristian

For people who prefer a Christian environment

Subscribe: WTOChristian-subscribe

or visit our homepage at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/WTOChristian

Also, there is a website called " Luke 17:3 Ministries " that is Christian and

specifically geared to the issue of parents that misuse Christianity/the Bible

to dominate, control and abuse their adult children. I found it useful and

relevant to the issue of being the adult child of a bpd mother who believed she

was a good Christian.

I hope that helps.

-Annie

> > >

> > > Thanks for your suggestions.

> > >

> > > Someone else emailed me about a post on Medium Chill.

> > >

> > > Can someone please explain that to me?

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Annie, is Luke 17:3 Ministries new? I had not heard of that one before. I have

often said my nada is one that likes to beat you over the head with her bible

and her beliefs about faith. That is a great resource.

C

[Guest guest]

Hi Kari,

My counselor is always talking about power. And she told me that whenever my

nada makes a statement, request....Or whatever the behavior is, that I should

stop myself and think, " how does this give her power? " , and act accordingly in a

way that doesn't give her what she seeks. It was kind of confusing at first,

because it's not the same as simply denying the request. It's training yourself

to look beyond the face value of what she is presenting, and address the root of

it. I think too often, I've gotten myself into trouble with my nada because I

didn't think about what she was " really " trying to accomplish. Which is always,

for her, gaining power over me.

I hope this helps.

>

> So I've been told repeatedly by a counselor and a mentor that I give nada too

much power and I need to take that back. I wish someone would give me concrete

examples of what this looks like.

>

> Can anyone share some of their own success stories in taking back their power?

>

> Thanks you.

> Kari

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks for this....its good, big help. I shall keep it mind as I go along.

 

Pursuing Excellance

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Thursday, November 1, 2012 12:33 AM

Subject: Re: Taking Back Your Power

 

Hi Kari,

My counselor is always talking about power. And she told me that whenever my

nada makes a statement, request....Or whatever the behavior is, that I should

stop myself and think, " how does this give her power? " , and act accordingly in a

way that doesn't give her what she seeks. It was kind of confusing at first,

because it's not the same as simply denying the request. It's training yourself

to look beyond the face value of what she is presenting, and address the root of

it. I think too often, I've gotten myself into trouble with my nada because I

didn't think about what she was " really " trying to accomplish. Which is always,

for her, gaining power over me.

I hope this helps.

>

> So I've been told repeatedly by a counselor and a mentor that I give nada too

much power and I need to take that back. I wish someone would give me concrete

examples of what this looks like.

>

> Can anyone share some of their own success stories in taking back their power?

>

> Thanks you.

> Kari

>

[Guest guest]

I've known about that website for a few years now and have posted about it

before, but I don't know when it was created. True: its a good resource for

those with pd parents who wield their religion like a weapon, misappropriating

God as their " hit man, " as in " If you don't do exactly as I say you will bring

down God's wrath. "

-Annie

>

> Annie, is Luke 17:3 Ministries new? I had not heard of that one before. I have

often said my nada is one that likes to beat you over the head with her bible

and her beliefs about faith. That is a great resource.

>

> C

>

[Guest guest]

I have two examples for you.

When Nada yells at me on the phone, I tell her to call me back when she can

speak in a normal voice.

When Nada last sent me a nasty email, I told her she cannot do that anymore.

Both really shook her because I have not stood up for myself with her in this

way before.

> >

> > So I've been told repeatedly by a counselor and a mentor that I give nada

too much power and I need to take that back. I wish someone would give me

concrete examples of what this looks like.

> >

> > Can anyone share some of their own success stories in taking back their

power?

> >

> > Thanks you.

> > Kari

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I hate manipulative gamesmanship, drama, and strings-attached gifts but first

and foremost I loathe confrontation. Thus, for most of my adult life I selected

NC with my FOO. After mother's death I contacted my father (they had been

divorced over 30 years ago) to notify him. It seemed the compassionate thing to

do but if was a mistake. He bagan to Hoover me back in to enabling his NPD. This

was the email I sent when I realized it was time to take back my power:

Dad,

I am sending a copy of this to my husband, as I do not wish to rehash these

thoughts yet again. I know that he will understand them and has witnessed my

pain and anger. In fact, he walked in shouting that one of mother's cat's was

finally out from under the bed and sitting on the window-sill as I typed this to

you. It scared me and a spoke to him in a most unpleasant manner. Thus, as I

told mother the last time I ever saw her, " You may of hurt me in the past but, I

draw that line at hurting my husband. " I'll also add that you may not longer

hurt me. I need to have my family time as safe, sacred and secure. You my not

burst this bubble of protection that offers me a richly deserve " normal life. "

I have written casual emails to the address I thought you were using and got no

reply. I will try both emails in case I was in error.

As I stated in our last phone call, I need some boundaries for personal safety.

The fact that I DO grieve for the loss of my mother seems to have escaped you.

While she was alive, the child within me always hoped she might mature, regret

her violent and abusive past actions, repent them and begin an adult

relationship with me. I now face knowing that this is to never be. While I can

take some solace in the fact that she had BPD and alcoholism, the fact remains

that her last actions toward the woman she viewed as her closest friend and to

me, her daughter, were ones of deepest spite. I will never hear mother admit

what she did nor will I ever hear her say she is sorry. The wounds aren't going

to ever heal. I have to be very careful that I don't allow anyone to carelessly

reopen them.

In the light of mother's illnesses, I have been forced to examine my own life.

There are a number of painful questions. Chief amongst them are:

a.. Due to the nature of mother's illness, she confused control and obsession

with love. If my primary bond, the relationship that taught the definition of

love, was in reality a relationship with a mentally deluded individual, do I

know what love is?

b.. If my father suffers depression and my mother suffered BPD and alcoholism,

am I doomed to suffer poor mental health?

c.. Not even one of my blood relatives lifted a finger to aid in claiming

mother's body, arranging the cremation, paying her expenses, coming to her Mass,

bothering to send flowers, helping to spread her ashes, or even make call for

reasons other than to demand " mementos, " the breaking of her will, the return of

photos, or to vent their own feelings. Ironically, her second husband, the man

everyone vilifed came to my aid unbidden. These behaviors merit examination and

reflection.

d.. What kind of father leaves his child with an alcoholic? What kind of

father leaves his child in the care of a woman with mental illness? Are excuses

of the cost of lawyers or that it was most common for women to retain custody

really valid in this light?

I could go on and on but one would think that any rational human would get the

point by now.

At mother's death I called in respect. I did not call to renew the relationship.

It has not been easy to talk to you. For example, you spent 20 minutes telling

me, a person you know as an organic gardener and champion of native plants,

that you are spreading herbicides to kill native violets in a neighborhood area

where there is a strong likelihood of contact with children, pets, and ground

water. Somehow I held my tongue when I was already in deep distress. Dad, I

needed someone with shared history to discuss my mother with me in a non-hateful

manner, REPEATEDLY, as it is the only thing that gets this sort of pain out.

Unfortunately, either you are not the sort of person that can grasp that fact or

you don't really care how I feel. ly, every time you call I am reminded

that I will NEVER have a loving parent. It rips me apart for days.

PLEASE don't call me on Sunday. When I am over my grief and my own feelings of

Narcissism I'll call you.

PLEASE do no respond to this email. I won't hear you right now anyway. I'm far

too hurt and mad at myself for trying yet again to have a relationship with a

person I can't trust to put me first sometimes.

MB