RE: uugggh - need to vent - long

[Guest guest]

She sounds horrible!

> **

>

>

> I don't know where to begin to explain this story, it is so typical nada,

> in

> that her actions are so subtle and insidious that I never really noticed

> them, they were my reality, and now that I can see her manipulations, I

> question my perceptions.

>

> So, my nada stopped talking to me 4 months ago after I enforced a boundary,

> we share a home together with my parents, but in separate sides. So I

> haven't even crossed paths with her in those 4 months. (she's also a

> hermit)

> In that time she also rarely talked to my kids, unless they were outside

> and

> she saw them alone and called them to her window, yeah I know, creepy.

>

> They travel to the southern states for 4 months every November-March, so

> the

> time for them to leave was approaching. My dad asked if the kids could come

> over (to her door-no one is allowed in her house) to get their goodbye hugs

> and early xmas gifts, so I said okay.

>

> She talked to them for 10 minutes about what was going on in their lives

> and

> gave them the typical way too much money in a card.

>

> I should mention that my mother likes to equate money with love.

>

> They were supposed to be leaving the next morning, but then didn't. Waited

> until my kids got off the bus the next day, nabbed them before they got to

> the house and then offered them $1000 towards the computer music recording

> equipment that they are saving for. She found out they were working towards

> this in the 10 minute conversation the night before. My smart boys said

> they

> would have to check with their parents before accepting a gift like that.

> Of

> course I said no, they would have to go back and say thanks, but no, they

> were working towards it.

>

> This is not the first time she has undermined them working hard to achieve

> something, just the first time I said no.

>

> So of course my teenage son is very disappointed, constantly nagging me

> now,

> I've stood my ground, but I am so sick of her undermining my parenting and

> creating conflict with me and my children.

>

> And THEN the day after that, they go to leave for Arizona, and she comes to

> my door, after 4 months of not talking to me.she says have a safe winter

> and

> that she was not trying to interfere with the kids, just that I had once

> said she could have sent the kids to college on what she spends on toys,

> and

> that a computer is educational for school. I said no, it was something

> they've been saving for for their music,. she said oh, I thought it was for

> school. And then they left.

>

> First of all, when I made that comment 3 YEARS AGO about how she could have

> sent them to college, she pretended to ignore me because at that time she

> wanted to buy them toys. And she LIED to me, saying she thought it was for

> school, because she apparently told my son to send her some of his finished

> music when he got the computer.

>

> 4 months of her not talking to me, I've been so lonely and upset, I started

> therapy, and all she was concerned with was lying to me to get her way

> again. And saving up comments in her file folder of a brain, to use later

> so

> she can twist my words so she can get her way.

>

> It all shouldn't surprise me after all I've learned about bpd..but it still

> hurts and confuses me.

>

> Sorry for the long rant, and I'm not even sure it made sense, but writing

> it

> down has helped.

>

> Thanks again,

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

,

I'm sorry that she's hurt you again. This sounds like typical

nada behavior. They're good at ignoring what has gone before,

whether it is an argument, several months of not talking, or

anything else. They lie when they want to, often while

pretending to themselves that what they say is the truth. They

try to interfere with parenting and they try to buy love. They

remember other people's words for years and use them against

them when it suits them, often twisting the words and taking

them out of context. It sounds to me like she's managed to score

points for five different nada behaviors all in one go. It

sounds to me like you handled it relatively well.

At 05:02 PM 10/30/2012 Gagne wrote:

>I don't know where to begin to explain this story, it is so

>typical nada, in

>that her actions are so subtle and insidious that I never

>really noticed

>them, they were my reality, and now that I can see her

>manipulations, I

>question my perceptions.

>

>

>

>So, my nada stopped talking to me 4 months ago after I enforced

>a boundary,

>we share a home together with my parents, but in separate

>sides. So I

>haven't even crossed paths with her in those 4 months. (she's

>also a hermit)

>In that time she also rarely talked to my kids, unless they

>were outside and

>she saw them alone and called them to her window, yeah I know,

>creepy.

>

>

>

>They travel to the southern states for 4 months every

>November-March, so the

>time for them to leave was approaching. My dad asked if the

>kids could come

>over (to her door-no one is allowed in her house) to get their

>goodbye hugs

>and early xmas gifts, so I said okay.

>

>She talked to them for 10 minutes about what was going on in

>their lives and

>gave them the typical way too much money in a card.

>

>I should mention that my mother likes to equate money with

>love.

>

>They were supposed to be leaving the next morning, but then

>didn't. Waited

>until my kids got off the bus the next day, nabbed them before

>they got to

>the house and then offered them $1000 towards the computer

>music recording

>equipment that they are saving for. She found out they were

>working towards

>this in the 10 minute conversation the night before. My smart

>boys said they

>would have to check with their parents before accepting a gift

>like that. Of

>course I said no, they would have to go back and say thanks,

>but no, they

>were working towards it.

>

>This is not the first time she has undermined them working hard

>to achieve

>something, just the first time I said no.

>

>So of course my teenage son is very disappointed, constantly

>nagging me now,

>I've stood my ground, but I am so sick of her undermining my

>parenting and

>creating conflict with me and my children.

>

>And THEN the day after that, they go to leave for Arizona, and

>she comes to

>my door, after 4 months of not talking to me.she says have a

>safe winter and

>that she was not trying to interfere with the kids, just that I

>had once

>said she could have sent the kids to college on what she spends

>on toys, and

>that a computer is educational for school. I said no, it was

>something

>they've been saving for for their music,. she said oh, I

>thought it was for

>school. And then they left.

>

>First of all, when I made that comment 3 YEARS AGO about how

>she could have

>sent them to college, she pretended to ignore me because at

>that time she

>wanted to buy them toys. And she LIED to me, saying she thought

>it was for

>school, because she apparently told my son to send her some of

>his finished

>music when he got the computer.

>

>

>

>4 months of her not talking to me, I've been so lonely and

>upset, I started

>therapy, and all she was concerned with was lying to me to get

>her way

>again. And saving up comments in her file folder of a brain, to

>use later so

>she can twist my words so she can get her way.

>

>

>

>It all shouldn't surprise me after all I've learned about

>bpd..but it still

>hurts and confuses me.

>

>

>

>Sorry for the long rant, and I'm not even sure it made sense,

>but writing it

>down has helped.

>

>Thanks again,

>

>

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

Thanks everyone for your replies. I've made an appt with my therapist

tomorrow to bounce my thoughts off of. I am so glad I took the time to write

it all down.

The scary part is that I now know I was also her enabler, in that I let her

manipulate me and my children, and my husband.

I just didn't see it...

Right after she came to my door, for the first 10 minutes, I didn't realize

the manipulation. I was just thinking, or should I say " feeling " :

'comfortable' and 'safe' that she was talking to me again...and then the

more I thought about what had really happened the more sick I started to

feel.

6 months ago I wouldn't have seen it...

This is all so sad, and I am angry...I have wasted so much of my life on

her.

Re: uugggh - need to vent - long

Not to diminish your very real anguish, but this is such textbook nada

behavior.

Sounds like you need some extra reinforcement /sessions w/ therapist or this

msg board. Fully immerse yourself right now in all the coping/understanding

strategies pronto.

You'll soon see that what your nada did (and your reaction ) are no less

predictable than a jerky Guy trying to make a girl think his behavior is ok.

Ps your dad sounds like an enabler, as mine was. You may not find your voice

until he is no longer there to give her extra strength to be awful.

Try not to be mad at him, as he's probably more trapped than anyone. No

doubt he longs for a normal partner/life he'll probably never have at this

point.

I know I had to finally accept we're all adults and responsible for our

choices, even the choice our dads made to stay w/ a nada. Can you imagine

how dead he must feel inside that she is his life partner?

Hang in there. You're stronger than you know.

[Guest guest]

Can't change the past only the future. Congrats for seeing it. She broke NC

to attack as hard as she could. That should tell you something. She's been

using her noggin.

> **

>

>

> Thanks everyone for your replies. I've made an appt with my therapist

> tomorrow to bounce my thoughts off of. I am so glad I took the time to

> write

> it all down.

> tac

> The scary part is that I now know I was also her enabler, in that I let her

> manipulate me and my children, and my husband.

> I just didn't see it...

>

> Right after she came to my door, for the first 10 minutes, I didn't realize

> the manipulation. I was just thinking, or should I say " feeling " :

> 'comfortable' and 'safe' that she was talking to me again...and then the

> more I thought about what had really happened the more sick I started to

> feel.

>

> 6 months ago I wouldn't have seen it...

> This is all so sad, and I am angry...I have wasted so much of my life on

> her.

>

> Re: uugggh - need to vent - long

>

> Not to diminish your very real anguish, but this is such textbook nada

> behavior.

>

> Sounds like you need some extra reinforcement /sessions w/ therapist or

> this

> msg board. Fully immerse yourself right now in all the coping/understanding

> strategies pronto.

>

> You'll soon see that what your nada did (and your reaction ) are no less

> predictable than a jerky Guy trying to make a girl think his behavior is

> ok.

>

> Ps your dad sounds like an enabler, as mine was. You may not find your

> voice

> until he is no longer there to give her extra strength to be awful.

>

> Try not to be mad at him, as he's probably more trapped than anyone. No

> doubt he longs for a normal partner/life he'll probably never have at this

> point.

>

> I know I had to finally accept we're all adults and responsible for our

> choices, even the choice our dads made to stay w/ a nada. Can you imagine

> how dead he must feel inside that she is his life partner?

>

> Hang in there. You're stronger than you know.

>

>

>