MIL with BPD and breast cancer.

[Guest guest]

I've posted before and have been doing all of the steps towards setting up

boundaries after my husband and I discovered that his mother was borderline

during our engagement period when it all blew up. Since we've been married (only

6 months) it seems like there's been some progress in learning consequences and

such but then last month or so she got diagnosed with breast cancer. It's been

an emotional battlefield. There were some positive steps being made and then

this past week it's been a nightmare. She snapped and cursed at my husband

because he hasn't come to visit or calls enough or doesn't live at home or takes

care of her enough. Meanwhile his sisters have blamed everything on him from the

cancer to her panic attacks also saying it's his fault because he doesn't call

or visit (which is untrue) but regardless. the main blown up occurred today when

at his mom treatment when she yelled at him for not visiting last week when he

had two days off from work (he works in the ER at a major city hospital during

nights) but instead chose to spend that time with me his wife celebrating my

birthday and our 6 month anniversary and 2 years since we started dating

anniverersary. She's mad that he has been putting me first as his priority

instead of coming home to her and holding her hand through this cancer but if it

wasn't the cancer it would be something else and if he did come and visit as she

wanted at least once a week then that won't be enough. It's never enough.

I just don't know what to do anymore. we were supposed to do a family thing

sunday morning all of us but given how she has talked to us when we have called

(everyday this week) and the past couple blow up also this week it just seems

like it's not healthy and we need distance but how can that seem uncruel when

she's battling such a disease.

I'm lost and confused on how to be supportive and he's angry and frustrated and

ready to walk away from his entire family. Any advice or suggestions. (Don't

worry we are both in therapy to handle this also)

[Guest guest]

Having cancer doesn't give her the right to be nasty to you. It

isn't your fault that she has breast cancer any more than it is

your fault that she has BPD and it isn't your responsibility to

deal with the results of either one. If you choose not to do

this thing on Sunday morning, it will be because her behavior

towards you was inappropriate. It isn't cruel to fail to let

yourself be abused. Since you can't control her behavior, that

makes it her fault if you decide you can't deal with doing it.

You don't have to keep going back for more abuse just because

she has cancer. You need to do what is healthy for you. If you

want to be supportive, try to figure out what she actually needs

help with then attempt to offer help in ways that keep you safe.

(That might include things like helping her find alternative

transportation if she's been depending on you for rides to

medical appointments.) Keep enforcing your boundaries. If she

gets nasty, say something like, " I see you're upset now. Let's

visit/talk again sometime when you're feeling calmer " then

leave. Being nasty to you is her choice. When we make choices,

we have to deal with the consequences. Cancer isn't a

get-out-of-jail-free card that lets people avoid consequences.

At 11:57 AM 11/01/2012 vszs2328 wrote:

>I've posted before and have been doing all of the steps towards

>setting up boundaries after my husband and I discovered that

>his mother was borderline during our engagement period when it

>all blew up. Since we've been married (only 6 months) it seems

>like there's been some progress in learning consequences and

>such but then last month or so she got diagnosed with breast

>cancer. It's been an emotional battlefield. There were some

>positive steps being made and then this past week it's been a

>nightmare. She snapped and cursed at my husband because he

>hasn't come to visit or calls enough or doesn't live at home or

>takes care of her enough. Meanwhile his sisters have blamed

>everything on him from the cancer to her panic attacks also

>saying it's his fault because he doesn't call or visit (which

>is untrue) but regardless. the main blown up occurred today

>when at his mom treatment when she yelled at him for not

>visiting last week when he had two days off from work (he works

>in the ER at a major city hospital during nights) but instead

>chose to spend that time with me his wife celebrating my

>birthday and our 6 month anniversary and 2 years since we

>started dating anniverersary. She's mad that he has been

>putting me first as his priority instead of coming home to her

>and holding her hand through this cancer but if it wasn't the

>cancer it would be something else and if he did come and visit

>as she wanted at least once a week then that won't be enough.

>It's never enough.

>

>I just don't know what to do anymore. we were supposed to do a

>family thing sunday morning all of us but given how she has

>talked to us when we have called (everyday this week) and the

>past couple blow up also this week it just seems like it's not

>healthy and we need distance but how can that seem uncruel when

>she's battling such a disease.

>

>I'm lost and confused on how to be supportive and he's angry

>and frustrated and ready to walk away from his entire family.

>Any advice or suggestions. (Don't worry we are both in therapy

>to handle this also)

>

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

Hi Vszs,

That's a pretty common bpd behavior, to use illness as a manipulative tool to

gain attention and time from others. Your husband's sisters sound pretty

enmeshed with their bpd mother since they are acting as her " flying monkeys " ,

meaning that the sisters are willing to attack and blame their brother/your

husband for " neglecting " his mother when he clearly has not been neglecting her

at all.

Sadly, this " pitting the children against each other " thing is pretty common

behavior within dysfunctional families. Its also pretty common for a bpd mother

to designate one of her children as her " rescuer/caregiver " (her " mommy " or

her " daddy. " ) So your husband's mother has perhaps parentified him, or worse,

she may have spousified him in her mind (she thinks of him as her ideal,

substitute " husband " , which automatically puts you in the role of her hated

rival, " the other woman " .) Emotional incest is obviously a really unhealthy

parent/child relationship dynamic.

Your husband must be going through pure hell (because this is his mother, after

all) and that's got to be very hard on both of you. I'm glad you're both

utilizing a therapist to help you through this.

I agree with Katrina. Its not OK to use having an illness as a weapon or threat

to coerce others into complying with unreasonable demands and inflict emotional

abuse on them. Your husband's mother is a good strategist. You and your

husband were making progress with setting boundaries and enforcing consequences

with her, so she upped the ante. She pulled out the big FOG guns (Fear,

Obligation, Guilt) in the form of utilizing " the big C " to gain back some of

her power/control over him.

My own opinion is that the best thing that you and your husband could do for

yourselves is to move to another state. Put physical distance between you and

your bpd MIL.

Barring that option, the more in-sync you and your husband are with each other,

the more you are a team, have each other's back, and are on the same page about

how you are going to manage the relationship with MIL, the better. He is

probably feeling completely torn up, feeling like a bad son or a bad human

being, feeling frustrated, and experiencing a great deal of pressure to please

both his mother and you.

And its impossible for him to please his mother, that's the bottom-line reality,

because she has borderline pd and is making unreasonable, unrealistic,

inappropriate demands. That's what those with bpd tend to do, because their

biggest issue is " fear of abandonment. " I hope the therapist you're seeing can

help with that: help your husband overcome misplaced and inappropriate feelings

of guilt and responsibility to manage his mother's feelings for her, or feel

obligated to coddle her and cater to her as though he is her father or her

husband.

But that's going to take time to understand and process in therapy, and

meanwhile you guys have day-to-day issues RE your MIL to deal with.

My own suggestion is for you and your husband to work together creating a

schedule of contact with MIL that you both feel is reasonable and doable,

whatever that frequency and duration turns out to be.

For example (just for demonstration purposes) you both decide that you and your

husband together will make one phone call to his bpd mom per day ( via

speakerphone) for only 15 minutes max, and you will both visit MIL together once

every month for 2 hours max. From now on, contact will be from both of you,

because you are a team: a married couple. As far as MIL is concerned, you and

your husband are Siamese twins.

If MIL acts out abusively then contact privileges would be suspended for a

period of time.

Its not cruel, its not mean, its not abusive, its just being assertive and

deciding that neither you nor your husband are going to continue being his bpd

mother's human-shaped emotional punching bags.

But that's just my opinion, and you and your husband have to decide what will

work best for you, because you are the ones living through this.

Have you been reading books like " Boundaries " , " Understanding The Borderline

Mother " , " Surviving a Borderline Parent " , " The Essential Family Guide to BPD " ,

" Toxic Parents " and some of the other titles recommended at the home site of

this Group?

I hope that helps.

-Annie

>

> I've posted before and have been doing all of the steps towards setting up

boundaries after my husband and I discovered that his mother was borderline

during our engagement period when it all blew up. Since we've been married (only

6 months) it seems like there's been some progress in learning consequences and

such but then last month or so she got diagnosed with breast cancer. It's been

an emotional battlefield. There were some positive steps being made and then

this past week it's been a nightmare. She snapped and cursed at my husband

because he hasn't come to visit or calls enough or doesn't live at home or takes

care of her enough. Meanwhile his sisters have blamed everything on him from the

cancer to her panic attacks also saying it's his fault because he doesn't call

or visit (which is untrue) but regardless. the main blown up occurred today when

at his mom treatment when she yelled at him for not visiting last week when he

had two days off from work (he works in the ER at a major city hospital during

nights) but instead chose to spend that time with me his wife celebrating my

birthday and our 6 month anniversary and 2 years since we started dating

anniverersary. She's mad that he has been putting me first as his priority

instead of coming home to her and holding her hand through this cancer but if it

wasn't the cancer it would be something else and if he did come and visit as she

wanted at least once a week then that won't be enough. It's never enough.

>

> I just don't know what to do anymore. we were supposed to do a family thing

sunday morning all of us but given how she has talked to us when we have called

(everyday this week) and the past couple blow up also this week it just seems

like it's not healthy and we need distance but how can that seem uncruel when

she's battling such a disease.

>

> I'm lost and confused on how to be supportive and he's angry and frustrated

and ready to walk away from his entire family. Any advice or suggestions. (Don't

worry we are both in therapy to handle this also)

>

[Guest guest]

Hello,

I agree with what Katrina and Annie said - illness isn't an excuse for bad

behavior. The only ones who make that excuse are people with BPD - whenever my

fada is presented with proof that he behaved badly, he justifies it by claiming

he was tired, had a headache, etc.

Right now you're in the extremely difficult situation in that you're trying to

put in boundaries and limits, but at the same time this is a serious health

concern. Throughout your post I started thinking about how a child acts -

parents must have boundaries in place to keep the child from behaving as a brat

all the time. If the child becomes sick or something " big " happens, those

boundaries may get a bit fuzzy for a period of time, but they never really go

away. Even if your child has a broken arm or something, they can still say

" please " or " thank you " or not chew with their mouth open, etc. There are still

rules they must abide by.

I don't know if this is feasible - but have you thought about sending notes and

cards through the mail? If you both could send her little " get-well " cards and

" thinking of you " notes in the mail every day, then it becomes obvious that

you're not pushing her out or ignoring her throughout her illness. But at the

same time, you won't be in a strained conversation with her.

That's just my two cents - good luck!

>

> I've posted before and have been doing all of the steps towards setting up

boundaries after my husband and I discovered that his mother was borderline

during our engagement period when it all blew up. Since we've been married (only

6 months) it seems like there's been some progress in learning consequences and

such but then last month or so she got diagnosed with breast cancer. It's been

an emotional battlefield. There were some positive steps being made and then

this past week it's been a nightmare. She snapped and cursed at my husband

because he hasn't come to visit or calls enough or doesn't live at home or takes

care of her enough. Meanwhile his sisters have blamed everything on him from the

cancer to her panic attacks also saying it's his fault because he doesn't call

or visit (which is untrue) but regardless. the main blown up occurred today when

at his mom treatment when she yelled at him for not visiting last week when he

had two days off from work (he works in the ER at a major city hospital during

nights) but instead chose to spend that time with me his wife celebrating my

birthday and our 6 month anniversary and 2 years since we started dating

anniverersary. She's mad that he has been putting me first as his priority

instead of coming home to her and holding her hand through this cancer but if it

wasn't the cancer it would be something else and if he did come and visit as she

wanted at least once a week then that won't be enough. It's never enough.

>

> I just don't know what to do anymore. we were supposed to do a family thing

sunday morning all of us but given how she has talked to us when we have called

(everyday this week) and the past couple blow up also this week it just seems

like it's not healthy and we need distance but how can that seem uncruel when

she's battling such a disease.

>

> I'm lost and confused on how to be supportive and he's angry and frustrated

and ready to walk away from his entire family. Any advice or suggestions. (Don't

worry we are both in therapy to handle this also)

>

[Guest guest]

What an uncomfortable position to be in, for you and your husband!

One of the things I always did for my Nada, when she was in the hospital,

was to send the biggest, and I mean HUGE jar of mixed hard candies, both

sugar free and regular, to the nurses station, with a huge card that said

something to the effect of - A sweet treat for you! from, - Your mothers

name, and family - sign your names first here, then siblings - you can

even get her involved in signing the card, if you think it's wise.

I refilled the damn jar every time I went to see her, and she received a

lot of praise and strokes from the staff, for the consideration.

The nice comments from the nurses reminded, and reinforced to her that we

did care about her, and gave her a little perceived prestige.

My Nada really liked any opportunity to be seen as generous while

simultaneously garnering attention, and the concept of 'taking care' of her

caregivers in some small way fit in with her narcissism.

Also, if you will give her something she will receive attention for,( if

she is going to loose her hair during Chemo, maybe a really soft cute hat

or, nice lap robe, carry all-bag, etc.,) so that everytime someone says how

nice it is, or how cute she looks, then she will have to respond, and thus

reinforce to herself, that you and your family gave it to her, and that you

do care.

Or, since you are dealing with a BPD, it could all blow up in your face.

Sometimes, I've had success with these gestures, but I always have to

remember, that it is neither my gift, or efforts, or my intent that counts

with Nada, but how she decides to use these things to feed her need, of the

moment.

Best of Luck, Sunspot

On Thu, Nov 1, 2012 at 1:34 PM, grad.spouse@... grad.spouse@...

> wrote:

> **

>

>

> Hello,

>

> I agree with what Katrina and Annie said - illness isn't an excuse for bad

> behavior. The only ones who make that excuse are people with BPD - whenever

> my fada is presented with proof that he behaved badly, he justifies it by

> claiming he was tired, had a headache, etc.

>

> Right now you're in the extremely difficult situation in that you're

> trying to put in boundaries and limits, but at the same time this is a

> serious health concern. Throughout your post I started thinking about how a

> child acts - parents must have boundaries in place to keep the child from

> behaving as a brat all the time. If the child becomes sick or something

> " big " happens, those boundaries may get a bit fuzzy for a period of time,

> but they never really go away. Even if your child has a broken arm or

> something, they can still say " please " or " thank you " or not chew with

> their mouth open, etc. There are still rules they must abide by.

>

> I don't know if this is feasible - but have you thought about sending

> notes and cards through the mail? If you both could send her little

> " get-well " cards and " thinking of you " notes in the mail every day, then it

> becomes obvious that you're not pushing her out or ignoring her throughout

> her illness. But at the same time, you won't be in a strained conversation

> with her.

>

> That's just my two cents - good luck!

>

>

>

> >

> > I've posted before and have been doing all of the steps towards setting

> up boundaries after my husband and I discovered that his mother was

> borderline during our engagement period when it all blew up. Since we've

> been married (only 6 months) it seems like there's been some progress in

> learning consequences and such but then last month or so she got diagnosed

> with breast cancer. It's been an emotional battlefield. There were some

> positive steps being made and then this past week it's been a nightmare.

> She snapped and cursed at my husband because he hasn't come to visit or

> calls enough or doesn't live at home or takes care of her enough. Meanwhile

> his sisters have blamed everything on him from the cancer to her panic

> attacks also saying it's his fault because he doesn't call or visit (which

> is untrue) but regardless. the main blown up occurred today when at his mom

> treatment when she yelled at him for not visiting last week when he had two

> days off from work (he works in the ER at a major city hospital during

> nights) but instead chose to spend that time with me his wife celebrating

> my birthday and our 6 month anniversary and 2 years since we started dating

> anniverersary. She's mad that he has been putting me first as his priority

> instead of coming home to her and holding her hand through this cancer but

> if it wasn't the cancer it would be something else and if he did come and

> visit as she wanted at least once a week then that won't be enough. It's

> never enough.

> >

> > I just don't know what to do anymore. we were supposed to do a family

> thing sunday morning all of us but given how she has talked to us when we

> have called (everyday this week) and the past couple blow up also this week

> it just seems like it's not healthy and we need distance but how can that

> seem uncruel when she's battling such a disease.

> >

> > I'm lost and confused on how to be supportive and he's angry and

> frustrated and ready to walk away from his entire family. Any advice or

> suggestions. (Don't worry we are both in therapy to handle this also)

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Brilliant idea!

> > >

> > > I've posted before and have been doing all of the steps towards setting

> > up boundaries after my husband and I discovered that his mother was

> > borderline during our engagement period when it all blew up. Since we've

> > been married (only 6 months) it seems like there's been some progress in

> > learning consequences and such but then last month or so she got diagnosed

> > with breast cancer. It's been an emotional battlefield. There were some

> > positive steps being made and then this past week it's been a nightmare.

> > She snapped and cursed at my husband because he hasn't come to visit or

> > calls enough or doesn't live at home or takes care of her enough. Meanwhile

> > his sisters have blamed everything on him from the cancer to her panic

> > attacks also saying it's his fault because he doesn't call or visit (which

> > is untrue) but regardless. the main blown up occurred today when at his mom

> > treatment when she yelled at him for not visiting last week when he had two

> > days off from work (he works in the ER at a major city hospital during

> > nights) but instead chose to spend that time with me his wife celebrating

> > my birthday and our 6 month anniversary and 2 years since we started dating

> > anniverersary. She's mad that he has been putting me first as his priority

> > instead of coming home to her and holding her hand through this cancer but

> > if it wasn't the cancer it would be something else and if he did come and

> > visit as she wanted at least once a week then that won't be enough. It's

> > never enough.

> > >

> > > I just don't know what to do anymore. we were supposed to do a family

> > thing sunday morning all of us but given how she has talked to us when we

> > have called (everyday this week) and the past couple blow up also this week

> > it just seems like it's not healthy and we need distance but how can that

> > seem uncruel when she's battling such a disease.

> > >

> > > I'm lost and confused on how to be supportive and he's angry and

> > frustrated and ready to walk away from his entire family. Any advice or

> > suggestions. (Don't worry we are both in therapy to handle this also)

> > >

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hope they may help - just remember, it isn't about what you do, or don't

do, as much as it is about the drama they have going in their head. If the

role they have assigned you is as " golden child " then you could kick

puppies and scream at nuns, and you would still be " the golden child, "

however, if you are assigned the role of " dung baby " you could save droves

orphans from burning buildings, and boatloads of drowning kittens, but your

motives will still be suspect, or you will have done it to be a show-off,

or to have stolen the attention from your deserving golden child brother,

or because you had a guilty conscience, or you were the one who actually

set the fire, or.....or.......or.......ad infinitim, ad nauseum.

Protect yourselves, physically, and emotionally, don't let yourselves be

run ragged by unreasonable demands.

Something unfortunate that happens to Dung babies during times of a BPD

family members illness, is that other family members seem to jump on the

kick - dung - baby band wagon, as a way to alleviate stress, and to

agrandize their own contributions.

The dysfunctional BPD family dynamics become magnified, polarization goes

into full swing, and there is very little you, as dung baby can do to make

anything any better, simply because -----it is not your assigned role. Any

and everything you do to make things better, will either be faulted, or

attributed to someone else.

Do what you must, to be able to live with yourself.

Do not endanger your health or family by driving long distances when you

are tired, or by sacrificing your peace of mind and blood pressure by

extending yourselves too far, financially and emotionally. It simply will

not be recognized or appreciated.

Best of Luck, Sunspot

> **

>

>

>

> Brilliant idea!

>

>

> > > >

> > > > I've posted before and have been doing all of the steps towards

> setting

> > > up boundaries after my husband and I discovered that his mother was

> > > borderline during our engagement period when it all blew up. Since

> we've

> > > been married (only 6 months) it seems like there's been some progress

> in

> > > learning consequences and such but then last month or so she got

> diagnosed

> > > with breast cancer. It's been an emotional battlefield. There were some

> > > positive steps being made and then this past week it's been a

> nightmare.

> > > She snapped and cursed at my husband because he hasn't come to visit or

> > > calls enough or doesn't live at home or takes care of her enough.

> Meanwhile

> > > his sisters have blamed everything on him from the cancer to her panic

> > > attacks also saying it's his fault because he doesn't call or visit

> (which

> > > is untrue) but regardless. the main blown up occurred today when at

> his mom

> > > treatment when she yelled at him for not visiting last week when he

> had two

> > > days off from work (he works in the ER at a major city hospital during

> > > nights) but instead chose to spend that time with me his wife

> celebrating

> > > my birthday and our 6 month anniversary and 2 years since we started

> dating

> > > anniverersary. She's mad that he has been putting me first as his

> priority

> > > instead of coming home to her and holding her hand through this cancer

> but

> > > if it wasn't the cancer it would be something else and if he did come

> and

> > > visit as she wanted at least once a week then that won't be enough.

> It's

> > > never enough.

> > > >

> > > > I just don't know what to do anymore. we were supposed to do a family

> > > thing sunday morning all of us but given how she has talked to us when

> we

> > > have called (everyday this week) and the past couple blow up also this

> week

> > > it just seems like it's not healthy and we need distance but how can

> that

> > > seem uncruel when she's battling such a disease.

> > > >

> > > > I'm lost and confused on how to be supportive and he's angry and

> > > frustrated and ready to walk away from his entire family. Any advice or

> > > suggestions. (Don't worry we are both in therapy to handle this also)

> > > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Annie

thanks for your response. When we initially got engaged (the next day) his mom

called and threaten suicide because of the engagement. It was a tremendously

diffucult time for both of us (beyond his mother and family we only had a 3

month engagement) during that time she agreed to see a therapist with my husband

once and it was made very clear by the therapist she chose not ours that she has

spousified him as you stated. It was extremely disturbing to my husband along

with her numerous attempts at physical contact and emails during that time.

We have tried the team thing in terms of calling but it's diffucult since i work

days and he works nights we are ships passing in the nights sometimes so we've

been alternating however we only visit together. and if we send emails we

include each other all the time.

I've read " Understanding The Borderline Mother " , " The Essential Family Guide to

BPD " . Can you elaborate on the other books you've mentioned.

On the move I would love too. However we are actually moving slight closer in

the coming month to them for my work. It's only a 9 mile difference but instead

of the city we are moving to the suburbs and won't have a bridge as a physical

landmark. We've discussed te terms we want to set in our moving closer and for

right now it's only for a year.

Again thank you for your response and please if you can elaborate on the books.

> >

> > I've posted before and have been doing all of the steps towards setting up

boundaries after my husband and I discovered that his mother was borderline

during our engagement period when it all blew up. Since we've been married (only

6 months) it seems like there's been some progress in learning consequences and

such but then last month or so she got diagnosed with breast cancer. It's been

an emotional battlefield. There were some positive steps being made and then

this past week it's been a nightmare. She snapped and cursed at my husband

because he hasn't come to visit or calls enough or doesn't live at home or takes

care of her enough. Meanwhile his sisters have blamed everything on him from the

cancer to her panic attacks also saying it's his fault because he doesn't call

or visit (which is untrue) but regardless. the main blown up occurred today when

at his mom treatment when she yelled at him for not visiting last week when he

had two days off from work (he works in the ER at a major city hospital during

nights) but instead chose to spend that time with me his wife celebrating my

birthday and our 6 month anniversary and 2 years since we started dating

anniverersary. She's mad that he has been putting me first as his priority

instead of coming home to her and holding her hand through this cancer but if it

wasn't the cancer it would be something else and if he did come and visit as she

wanted at least once a week then that won't be enough. It's never enough.

> >

> > I just don't know what to do anymore. we were supposed to do a family thing

sunday morning all of us but given how she has talked to us when we have called

(everyday this week) and the past couple blow up also this week it just seems

like it's not healthy and we need distance but how can that seem uncruel when

she's battling such a disease.

> >

> > I'm lost and confused on how to be supportive and he's angry and frustrated

and ready to walk away from his entire family. Any advice or suggestions. (Don't

worry we are both in therapy to handle this also)

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you all of the responses, suggestions and support. It's comforting and

reinforcing to hear that we must do what's best for us both physically and

emotionally. It's great having this space to clear your head realize that you

are not the crazy one and also that you will never do enough and need to protect

yourself.

Have a great night everyone.

> > > > >

> > > > > I've posted before and have been doing all of the steps towards

> > setting

> > > > up boundaries after my husband and I discovered that his mother was

> > > > borderline during our engagement period when it all blew up. Since

> > we've

> > > > been married (only 6 months) it seems like there's been some progress

> > in

> > > > learning consequences and such but then last month or so she got

> > diagnosed

> > > > with breast cancer. It's been an emotional battlefield. There were some

> > > > positive steps being made and then this past week it's been a

> > nightmare.

> > > > She snapped and cursed at my husband because he hasn't come to visit or

> > > > calls enough or doesn't live at home or takes care of her enough.

> > Meanwhile

> > > > his sisters have blamed everything on him from the cancer to her panic

> > > > attacks also saying it's his fault because he doesn't call or visit

> > (which

> > > > is untrue) but regardless. the main blown up occurred today when at

> > his mom

> > > > treatment when she yelled at him for not visiting last week when he

> > had two

> > > > days off from work (he works in the ER at a major city hospital during

> > > > nights) but instead chose to spend that time with me his wife

> > celebrating

> > > > my birthday and our 6 month anniversary and 2 years since we started

> > dating

> > > > anniverersary. She's mad that he has been putting me first as his

> > priority

> > > > instead of coming home to her and holding her hand through this cancer

> > but

> > > > if it wasn't the cancer it would be something else and if he did come

> > and

> > > > visit as she wanted at least once a week then that won't be enough.

> > It's

> > > > never enough.

> > > > >

> > > > > I just don't know what to do anymore. we were supposed to do a family

> > > > thing sunday morning all of us but given how she has talked to us when

> > we

> > > > have called (everyday this week) and the past couple blow up also this

> > week

> > > > it just seems like it's not healthy and we need distance but how can

> > that

> > > > seem uncruel when she's battling such a disease.

> > > > >

> > > > > I'm lost and confused on how to be supportive and he's angry and

> > > > frustrated and ready to walk away from his entire family. Any advice or

> > > > suggestions. (Don't worry we are both in therapy to handle this also)

> > > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

[Guest guest]

vszs,

Toxic Parents is an older book, but it may have a newer addition. I read it back

in the 90's before I even knew about BPD. I think the author is Forward.

Boundaries is often mentioned here as a great resource for developing healthy

boundaries and I think the authors are Townsend and Cloud?

> > >

> > > I've posted before and have been doing all of the steps towards setting up

boundaries after my husband and I discovered that his mother was borderline

during our engagement period when it all blew up. Since we've been married (only

6 months) it seems like there's been some progress in learning consequences and

such but then last month or so she got diagnosed with breast cancer. It's been

an emotional battlefield. There were some positive steps being made and then

this past week it's been a nightmare. She snapped and cursed at my husband

because he hasn't come to visit or calls enough or doesn't live at home or takes

care of her enough. Meanwhile his sisters have blamed everything on him from the

cancer to her panic attacks also saying it's his fault because he doesn't call

or visit (which is untrue) but regardless. the main blown up occurred today when

at his mom treatment when she yelled at him for not visiting last week when he

had two days off from work (he works in the ER at a major city hospital during

nights) but instead chose to spend that time with me his wife celebrating my

birthday and our 6 month anniversary and 2 years since we started dating

anniverersary. She's mad that he has been putting me first as his priority

instead of coming home to her and holding her hand through this cancer but if it

wasn't the cancer it would be something else and if he did come and visit as she

wanted at least once a week then that won't be enough. It's never enough.

> > >

> > > I just don't know what to do anymore. we were supposed to do a family

thing sunday morning all of us but given how she has talked to us when we have

called (everyday this week) and the past couple blow up also this week it just

seems like it's not healthy and we need distance but how can that seem uncruel

when she's battling such a disease.

> > >

> > > I'm lost and confused on how to be supportive and he's angry and

frustrated and ready to walk away from his entire family. Any advice or

suggestions. (Don't worry we are both in therapy to handle this also)

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hi, so far I agree w everything everyone else has offered! I wanted to chip in

my two cents as well....

'siamese twins' YES. You are unit. You are a team. Go together support each

other, avoid being divided and conquered! My spouse and I practice this and it

works. Sooo much easier to deal with BP behaviors and gas lighting when you both

were there to hear what she said or see what she did. Great for reality checks

=)

Another tactic I use is photos to help her fight her fear of abandonment. I'll

order her a few photos on the internet and pick them up at costco..helps when

she starts to nose dive...it's cyclical almost to the day. Anyhow, when she's

low and not exhibiting nasty behavior I give her or send her a few pictures of

us, the kids, her yard cuz she's a huge gardner. Anyhow, I'm all for a good

tool to use.

[Guest guest]

Hi Vszs,

I thought a lot about your situation, and its inherent challenges -

nothing is ever simple with a BPD family member. Everything is fodder for

drama, nothing is sacred, no boundary respected, etc.

Distraction seemed to be the best tactic with my Nada, and I wish that you

had other family members who would help you 'tag team' her, in this way! My

heart is with you!

I really, really like 's photo idea!

I think I would even take a small album to her chemo-session, when I

visited her during treatment. The nurses would be sure to comment on it,

and any compliments on her garden, and verbal reinforcement she would

receive about her beautiful flowers, how much her family must love her,

etc., would be helpful.

Chemo stinks, even for the mentally healthy, AND their caregivers, but

when your dealing with a BPD in this kind of situation, it is especially

trying.

The emotional exhaustion for caregivers creeps up insidiously, and you

may not even realize that you are worn out, done in, and fed up, until you

suddenly just 'hit the wall.' Please take really good care of yourselves.

Every hospital has a social services dept., and they are usually very

savy, about dealing with Character Disordered Individuals. If they are

given a 'heads up' regarding the issues, they will do everything possible,

to help put good coping strategies and mechanisms into place.

In my own chemo-related experiences, - sharing hospital rooms, group

chemo areas, etc., with a variety of people, it has been my observation

that distraction, and anything that brings them positive attention and

reinforcement, and especially anything that makes them feel special, seems

to work the best with BPDs.

Does she knit or crochet, or practice any kind of portable craft, that

she could take with her, and get strokes for?

One particularly obnoxious woman was able to channel her BPD crap into

knitting/crocheting tiny baby caps for premature babies, which she then

donated to the hospital - she received *MAJOR* strokes and attention from

patients and hospital staff for this, and even encouraged a group of other

chemo-patients to join her, and create a knitting/crocheting group. Of

course, she had to run the group, etc., but it gave her family and staff a

little respite from her demands.

Your MIL could also make 'encouragement cards' for other chemo patients,

( If you suggest she do it for the pediatric chemo ward, she might really

jump on the project) with photographs of her own beautiful garden, and

encouraging words of wisdom. (Oh, how they* looooove* to share their

wisdom...)

The hospital staff respond very well to patients who seem to be trying to

reach out to others, or who are at least keeping themselves busy, and these

projects fill both bills.

Warm Regards, Sunspot

> **

>

>

>

> Hi, so far I agree w everything everyone else has offered! I wanted to

> chip in my two cents as well....

> 'siamese twins' YES. You are unit. You are a team. Go together support

> each other, avoid being divided and conquered! My spouse and I practice

> this and it works. Sooo much easier to deal with BP behaviors and gas

> lighting when you both were there to hear what she said or see what she

> did. Great for reality checks =)

>

> Another tactic I use is photos to help her fight her fear of abandonment.

> I'll order her a few photos on the internet and pick them up at

> costco..helps when she starts to nose dive...it's cyclical almost to the

> day. Anyhow, when she's low and not exhibiting nasty behavior I give her or

> send her a few pictures of us, the kids, her yard cuz she's a huge gardner.

> Anyhow, I'm all for a good tool to use.

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you everyone for your suggestions. I did print out some pictures and will

be mailing them to her and started sending ecards (mail is never an option they

are extreme hoarders and last time I did send print it took three weeks for them

to sort through the mail and find them).

It's just been extremely hard because I do feel guilt and obligated to be there

as family and I know that is what she's counting on. To put on what she deserves

and is entitled to. It's a one day at a time and hopefully we can just take that

and get past this time period.

>

> > **

> >

> >

> >

> > Hi, so far I agree w everything everyone else has offered! I wanted to

> > chip in my two cents as well....

> > 'siamese twins' YES. You are unit. You are a team. Go together support

> > each other, avoid being divided and conquered! My spouse and I practice

> > this and it works. Sooo much easier to deal with BP behaviors and gas

> > lighting when you both were there to hear what she said or see what she

> > did. Great for reality checks =)

> >

> > Another tactic I use is photos to help her fight her fear of abandonment.

> > I'll order her a few photos on the internet and pick them up at

> > costco..helps when she starts to nose dive...it's cyclical almost to the

> > day. Anyhow, when she's low and not exhibiting nasty behavior I give her or

> > send her a few pictures of us, the kids, her yard cuz she's a huge gardner.

> > Anyhow, I'm all for a good tool to use.

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>