Reclaiming myself

[Guest guest]

Hi All, wanted to share, that I realised how my mom made me feel guilty for

anything and everything about myself, esp. my nice bits and if I did go wrong I

was made to feel as if I was an insect or parasite.

She wouldn't approve of any of my hobbies, she would do things for me but at the

same time make sure that I was humiliated for asking or receiving anything from

her.

My mom would isolate me , make me believe she was the only one who " cared''. She

brainwashed me to believe my dad didn't care for me. He wasn't the perfect or

best man in the world , I realize now, no is. 

So I had to strive for 'wanting' anything and for being 'good, having great

skill sets'......the worse part about it all was that I was so confused and

conflicted for such a long time.

Natural errors during learning process have been portrayed as 'sins and the

worse about me'

Have learned to distinguish. I believed hence for a long time that I was no

good. All my childhood has been this overpowering influence of her greatness and

goodness and how excellent she is, and how much she has sacrificed for me.

Her resentment levels and childish tactics are endless....justification of her

faults is insistent and on going , continuous story.

But I am proud now, i have learned to understand her ways and built my

self-confidence. I recently reclaimed my power to say 'no'. I refused to her

give her satisfaction anymore. She knows I know her game.

She has laughed at me and my weakness and displayed endless wickedness, she has

been self-absorbed , mean and cruel. Even heartless and cold.

Its strange to see one's mother behave the way she does, so self-consumed and

full of vanity.

I am glad I told her, how I feel about her ...I don't expect any change....I

don't see any resolve for her or betterment in her condition.. She has to take

responsibility. Its not my problem anymore.

Its her life. Not mine. I come first in my life. I have put myself first as 'I'

.....'I' is the most important person in this world. and I am very proud. I wish

everyone my experience

Cheers!

 

Pursuing Excellance

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To: " WTOAdultChildren1 " WTOAdultChildren1 >

Sent: Thursday, October 11, 2012 12:12 AM

Subject: Patterns

 

I have realised the same thing as Reality, I subconsciously choose people who

have personality disorders, I am currently sandwiched between my mother and my

live-in BF. My BF is diagnosed OCPD. There are so many domineering and

controlling traits which remind me of my mother who is BPD. Its not a

coincidence that he is in my life. I am repeating my life patterns. I tend to

choose to be with people who have problems and that is a subconscious choice ,

so far. But now I am aware and I look carefully at the people to associate with.

Listen carefully to their reasoning and beliefs .... sometimes I get paranoid, I

dont want to have friends who are irrational. Learning to be self-sufficient.

Moving towards lowering my expectations in my close relationships.  Trying to

search for patterns.........

 

Pursuing Excellence