Re: Does growing up unloved make me an abomination?

[Guest guest]

Oh, please do rant. One: it makes you feel better and Two: it makes the rest of

us feel better because we know we're not alone when we feel down like this.

I almost did a rant a couple days ago because my husband was upset that I get

tense sometimes. It was a long discussion and the worst thing he said was, " Just

like your mom never realized how her anger affected Dad, I don't think you

realize how your tension affects me. " Crap! Never use nada's name in the same

sentence with mine. I was ready to smack him one LOL. I even said things I've

never said before: I asked him what he wanted from me - does he want me on meds,

does he want a divorce? I've never used the " D " word with him. That's how upset

I was. And it was all because I was feeling edgy while he was driving in the

heavy rain on the freeway. He did veer into the other lane a couple of times and

I jumped. And yes, I do have days when I just feel on edge a bit but I keep my

mouth shut.

Still, like you, I wonder if I'll ever be normal or will I end up being like

her? I'd rather be dead than be like her. I don't scream or rant and rave but I

do feel tense, irritable now and then. Does that mean I'm bad? I don't think so

but conversations like this worry me.

>

> Sorry in advance for the long post...

>

> As a KO a high functioning invisible Witch/Hermit BPD mother (whose entire

family also has BPD)and schizoid father, I grew up so incredibly unloved,

ignored and abused that I feel sure I was meant not to have survived, that no

one who grows up that way should be walking around on this earth infecting other

people with the after-effects of this sickness. Not that I would ever self-harm

or encourage that in any way, it's more a question of fundamental worthiness,

that having been that unloved has made me unworthy. Does anyone else ever feel

this way?

>

> I have a 2yo daughter with my BPDx, and I am very careful to teach her how

valuable she is, how much I love her, that her emotions matter and how to

regulate them without ignoring them, I take her lots of places that would be fun

for her and just in general make sure to really connect with her all the time. I

love her like crazy and would do anything for her but can't help seeing the

contrast between her upbringing and mine, and feeling very sad and angry at my

parents. Why wasn't I worthy of this kind of love, attention and validation

when I was growing up? Is it too late for me? I am doing my best but I am so

sad. It is almost unbearable. I cut contact with my parents a year and a half

ago when my mother said something nasty to me and I insisted she apologize,

which she has never done before in her life. She steadfastly refuses and so I

haven't seen my parents since. Not that I enjoyed being around her before

anyway, but the fact that she cares so little about having a relationship with

me, even though she knows she is dying and will die likely within the next year

without her daughter in her life,is heart-breaking.

>

> I've seen a number of posts from the board veterans lately discussing how the

BPD's dedication to his/her illness is greater than any other force in their

life, that it's not my fault she is this way, and that there is nothing I can do

about it. That definitely helps me a lot but I am still sad!

>

> My daughter is a really happy, well-adjusted, outgoing, cute beyond all

measure toddler, for which I could not be more grateful. But some days when I

look at her I imagine myself at that age (although there are few pictures of me

growing up I've seen a couple, and unsurprisingly we look a lot alike!) and wish

someone had parented me the way I parent her.

>

> I'm doing a lot of work with therapists, reading, mediation, yoga, etc. that

has helped a lot but I still have bad days like this one.

>

> Does anyone else ever feel this way?

>

> A year and a half into the healing process I know enough to know it gets

better, I feel a lot better about my life now overall than I did a year and a

half ago, so I know this emotional storm will pass. But I probably will always

have bad days sometimes.

>

> It really helps to have this forum to rant. Thank you for listening.

>

[Guest guest]

I am so sorry that you feel this way. It isn't your fault that

your parents were mentally ill and unable to love you. You are

NOT an abomination. If we're going to call anyone an

abomination, it would be the perpetrators of the abuse, not the

victims. You are not unworthy. There's nothing a child can do to

change a parent's mental illness so you couldn't have somehow

done something differently or been a better person to make them

show you love. The problem wasn't that you weren't worthy of

love, attention, and validation. It was that they were incapable

of giving you those things.

It isn't too late for you. You're getting help, you've

recognized that your parents are currently and were when they

raised you, mentally ill, and you're making sure you don't pass

on the abuse. Those are all good things. They're signs that

you're making progress. A year and a half of healing after so

many years of abuse is not all that long. Many of us have had

far longer than that. You're right that there will probably

always be bad days. Pretty much everyone has bad days, even

those who weren't abused growing up. As you heal and learn to

deal with things the bad days should be fewer and perhaps less

disturbing and emotionally draining. I find that having people

to talk to about it helps a lot. Don't give up!

At 08:44 AM 11/02/2012 mdg2101 wrote:

>Sorry in advance for the long post...

>

>As a KO a high functioning invisible Witch/Hermit BPD mother

>(whose entire family also has BPD)and schizoid father, I grew

>up so incredibly unloved, ignored and abused that I feel sure I

>was meant not to have survived, that no one who grows up that

>way should be walking around on this earth infecting other

>people with the after-effects of this sickness. Not that I

>would ever self-harm or encourage that in any way, it's more a

>question of fundamental worthiness, that having been that

>unloved has made me unworthy. Does anyone else ever feel this

>way?

>

>I have a 2yo daughter with my BPDx, and I am very careful to

>teach her how valuable she is, how much I love her, that her

>emotions matter and how to regulate them without ignoring them,

>I take her lots of places that would be fun for her and just in

>general make sure to really connect with her all the time. I

>love her like crazy and would do anything for her but can't

>help seeing the contrast between her upbringing and mine, and

>feeling very sad and angry at my parents. Why wasn't I worthy

>of this kind of love, attention and validation when I was

>growing up? Is it too late for me? I am doing my best but I am

>so sad. It is almost unbearable. I cut contact with my parents

>a year and a half ago when my mother said something nasty to me

>and I insisted she apologize, which she has never done before

>in her life. She steadfastly refuses and so I haven't seen my

>parents since. Not that I enjoyed being around her before

>anyway, but the fact that she cares so little about having a

>relationship with me, even though she knows she is dying and

>will die likely within the next year without her daughter in

>her life,is heart-breaking.

>

>I've seen a number of posts from the board veterans lately

>discussing how the BPD's dedication to his/her illness is

>greater than any other force in their life, that it's not my

>fault she is this way, and that there is nothing I can do about

>it. That definitely helps me a lot but I am still sad!

>

>My daughter is a really happy, well-adjusted, outgoing, cute

>beyond all measure toddler, for which I could not be more

>grateful. But some days when I look at her I imagine myself at

>that age (although there are few pictures of me growing up I've

>seen a couple, and unsurprisingly we look a lot alike!) and

>wish someone had parented me the way I parent her.

>

>I'm doing a lot of work with therapists, reading, mediation,

>yoga, etc. that has helped a lot but I still have bad days like

>this one.

>

>Does anyone else ever feel this way?

>

>A year and a half into the healing process I know enough to

>know it gets better, I feel a lot better about my life now

>overall than I did a year and a half ago, so I know this

>emotional storm will pass. But I probably will always have bad

>days sometimes.

>

>It really helps to have this forum to rant. Thank you for

>listening.

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

Ya they're the abomination and the fact that we have awareness when we were

trained to be broken robots means we're awesome and we beat the odds.

> I am so sorry that you feel this way. It isn't your fault that

> your parents were mentally ill and unable to love you. You are

> NOT an abomination. If we're going to call anyone an

> abomination, it would be the perpetrators of the abuse, not the

> victims. You are not unworthy. There's nothing a child can do to

> change a parent's mental illness so you couldn't have somehow

> done something differently or been a better person to make them

> show you love. The problem wasn't that you weren't worthy of

> love, attention, and validation. It was that they were incapable

> of giving you those things.

>

> It isn't too late for you. You're getting help, you've

> recognized that your parents are currently and were when they

> raised you, mentally ill, and you're making sure you don't pass

> on the abuse. Those are all good things. They're signs that

> you're making progress. A year and a half of healing after so

> many years of abuse is not all that long. Many of us have had

> far longer than that. You're right that there will probably

> always be bad days. Pretty much everyone has bad days, even

> those who weren't abused growing up. As you heal and learn to

> deal with things the bad days should be fewer and perhaps less

> disturbing and emotionally draining. I find that having people

> to talk to about it helps a lot. Don't give up!

>

> At 08:44 AM 11/02/2012 mdg2101 wrote:

> >Sorry in advance for the long post...

> >

> >As a KO a high functioning invisible Witch/Hermit BPD mother

> >(whose entire family also has BPD)and schizoid father, I grew

> >up so incredibly unloved, ignored and abused that I feel sure I

> >was meant not to have survived, that no one who grows up that

> >way should be walking around on this earth infecting other

> >people with the after-effects of this sickness. Not that I

> >would ever self-harm or encourage that in any way, it's more a

> >question of fundamental worthiness, that having been that

> >unloved has made me unworthy. Does anyone else ever feel this

> >way?

> >

> >I have a 2yo daughter with my BPDx, and I am very careful to

> >teach her how valuable she is, how much I love her, that her

> >emotions matter and how to regulate them without ignoring them,

> >I take her lots of places that would be fun for her and just in

> >general make sure to really connect with her all the time. I

> >love her like crazy and would do anything for her but can't

> >help seeing the contrast between her upbringing and mine, and

> >feeling very sad and angry at my parents. Why wasn't I worthy

> >of this kind of love, attention and validation when I was

> >growing up? Is it too late for me? I am doing my best but I am

> >so sad. It is almost unbearable. I cut contact with my parents

> >a year and a half ago when my mother said something nasty to me

> >and I insisted she apologize, which she has never done before

> >in her life. She steadfastly refuses and so I haven't seen my

> >parents since. Not that I enjoyed being around her before

> >anyway, but the fact that she cares so little about having a

> >relationship with me, even though she knows she is dying and

> >will die likely within the next year without her daughter in

> >her life,is heart-breaking.

> >

> >I've seen a number of posts from the board veterans lately

> >discussing how the BPD's dedication to his/her illness is

> >greater than any other force in their life, that it's not my

> >fault she is this way, and that there is nothing I can do about

> >it. That definitely helps me a lot but I am still sad!

> >

> >My daughter is a really happy, well-adjusted, outgoing, cute

> >beyond all measure toddler, for which I could not be more

> >grateful. But some days when I look at her I imagine myself at

> >that age (although there are few pictures of me growing up I've

> >seen a couple, and unsurprisingly we look a lot alike!) and

> >wish someone had parented me the way I parent her.

> >

> >I'm doing a lot of work with therapists, reading, mediation,

> >yoga, etc. that has helped a lot but I still have bad days like

> >this one.

> >

> >Does anyone else ever feel this way?

> >

> >A year and a half into the healing process I know enough to

> >know it gets better, I feel a lot better about my life now

> >overall than I did a year and a half ago, so I know this

> >emotional storm will pass. But I probably will always have bad

> >days sometimes.

> >

> >It really helps to have this forum to rant. Thank you for

> >listening.

>

> --

> Katrina

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Irene,

I really feel your emotion here. Really tough situation. I have a serious

anxiety problem and it fills everything up. It effects

relationships

how I feel

What I do

etc etc.

Anxiety really fills up every part of life bar none. Just speaking for

myself, I've been this way my whole life so I don't have perspective on how

all pervasive it is. In other words: Anxiety is a massive problem that

needs to be addressed if you have it at the level I did.

I think Anxiety has destroyed a whole lot of relationships and I can't

emphasis how seriously anxious people are.

Sounds like you had an ugly fight but your husband sounds like he is crying

out. Generally men have a lot more trouble talking about feelings so if

it's finally coming out it may be a real plea for help from you.

I really feel for you because this is a very powerful problem. I get

nervous in the car too. Good luck hope this didn't sound like I'm picking

on you just sharing a thought.

Acknowledging the severity of one's anxiety is the first step to finding

ways to improve it. And there are ways.

[Guest guest]

I can relate.

What you saw growing up was an abomination and a disease at work that seemed to

affect other people--as bpds usually successfully transmit their negative

feelings to other people. It is easy as a young child to confuse what we

witness of other people with ourselves, as our sense of self is not established.

Bpds also usually blame others--including helpless children--for their negative

feelings and for their abusive actions toward others. I grew up with a lot of,

" Look what you made me do. " We can end up believing that.

I hope you find the comfort you need today. It hurts to relive those feelings.

Take care,

Ashana

[Guest guest]

I really relate to this Ash.

> **

>

>

> I can relate.

>

> What you saw growing up was an abomination and a disease at work that

> seemed to affect other people--as bpds usually successfully transmit their

> negative feelings to other people. It is easy as a young child to confuse

> what we witness of other people with ourselves, as our sense of self is not

> established.

>

> Bpds also usually blame others--including helpless children--for their

> negative feelings and for their abusive actions toward others. I grew up

> with a lot of, " Look what you made me do. " We can end up believing that.

>

> I hope you find the comfort you need today. It hurts to relive those

> feelings.

>

> Take care,

> Ashana

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks everyone for your kind posts. Today is a much better day, in large part

because of your support. Thank you again!!!

>

> I can relate.

>

> What you saw growing up was an abomination and a disease at work that seemed

to affect other people--as bpds usually successfully transmit their negative

feelings to other people. It is easy as a young child to confuse what we

witness of other people with ourselves, as our sense of self is not established.

>

> Bpds also usually blame others--including helpless children--for their

negative feelings and for their abusive actions toward others. I grew up with a

lot of, " Look what you made me do. " We can end up believing that.

>

> I hope you find the comfort you need today. It hurts to relive those

feelings.

>

> Take care,

> Ashana

>

[Guest guest]

I agree wholy with the previous posters,

I have been digging thru my library for a book that really helped me thru

this issue. it is entitled *I Deserve Love,* by author Ray. It may

be out of print by now, if so you might find it on Amazon, or ebay.

The author describes a very simple, yet very powerful exercise, wherein you

draw a line down the middle of a sheet of paper, and on the left you write;

I deserve love. Write this several times until you begin to hear (in your

head) the negative internal response - the things that were said to you, by

your parents, etc., that implied you were unlovable. Write these down on

the right side.

Immediately after the negative stuff is written down, go back to the left

side, and affirm, simply, I Deserve Love. Always end with the positive

affirmation.

Say it to yourself when you are driving, exercising, whenever you have the

opportunity.

You (all abused children) have had so much negative garbage stuffed into

your head, by cruel and infantile caregivers, that you hardly have room, in

your own head, for your own positive self image.

The exercise helps exorcise the negative self talk, and to bring to light

the things that were said, that hurt us so much. Things that we often stuff

down and consciously forget, because it hurt so much.

If you find the book, be forewarned that Ray was a sex therapist,

and wrote it, *I Deserve Love*, for her clients who were struggling to

work thru related issues of loss and loneliness, and abandonment, and

parental wounding.

Although the book is written in a somewhat superficial, touchy-feely,

airy-fairy, tone, popular for its time, the exercise recommend by Ray, is a

powerful one, for confronting and deflating the negative influences we have

internalized, and believed. (I do not recall her writing as being too

graphic, or explicit for the general reader, but it has been some time

since I read the book...)

When you feel as though you have worked through an emotional block,burn

your work-books in the fireplace, and cook s'mores!

You Deserve Love,

Sunspot

> **

>

>

> Thanks everyone for your kind posts. Today is a much better day, in large

> part because of your support. Thank you again!!!

>

>

>

> >

> > I can relate.

> >

> > What you saw growing up was an abomination and a disease at work that

> seemed to affect other people--as bpds usually successfully transmit their

> negative feelings to other people. It is easy as a young child to confuse

> what we witness of other people with ourselves, as our sense of self is not

> established.

> >

> > Bpds also usually blame others--including helpless children--for their

> negative feelings and for their abusive actions toward others. I grew up

> with a lot of, " Look what you made me do. " We can end up believing that.

> >

> > I hope you find the comfort you need today. It hurts to relive those

> feelings.

> >

> > Take care,

> > Ashana

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

True!

> I agree wholy with the previous posters,

>

> I have been digging thru my library for a book that really helped me thru

> this issue. it is entitled *I Deserve Love,* by author Ray. It may

> be out of print by now, if so you might find it on Amazon, or ebay.

>

> The author describes a very simple, yet very powerful exercise, wherein you

> draw a line down the middle of a sheet of paper, and on the left you write;

> I deserve love. Write this several times until you begin to hear (in your

> head) the negative internal response - the things that were said to you, by

> your parents, etc., that implied you were unlovable. Write these down on

> the right side.

>

> Immediately after the negative stuff is written down, go back to the left

> side, and affirm, simply, I Deserve Love. Always end with the positive

> affirmation.

>

> Say it to yourself when you are driving, exercising, whenever you have the

> opportunity.

>

> You (all abused children) have had so much negative garbage stuffed into

> your head, by cruel and infantile caregivers, that you hardly have room, in

> your own head, for your own positive self image.

>

> The exercise helps exorcise the negative self talk, and to bring to light

> the things that were said, that hurt us so much. Things that we often stuff

> down and consciously forget, because it hurt so much.

>

> If you find the book, be forewarned that Ray was a sex therapist,

> and wrote it, *I Deserve Love*, for her clients who were struggling to

> work thru related issues of loss and loneliness, and abandonment, and

> parental wounding.

>

> Although the book is written in a somewhat superficial, touchy-feely,

> airy-fairy, tone, popular for its time, the exercise recommend by Ray, is a

> powerful one, for confronting and deflating the negative influences we have

> internalized, and believed. (I do not recall her writing as being too

> graphic, or explicit for the general reader, but it has been some time

> since I read the book...)

>

> When you feel as though you have worked through an emotional block,burn

> your work-books in the fireplace, and cook s'mores!

>

> You Deserve Love,

> Sunspot

>

>

>

>> **

>>

>>

>> Thanks everyone for your kind posts. Today is a much better day, in large

>> part because of your support. Thank you again!!!

>>

>>

>>

>>>

>>> I can relate.

>>>

>>> What you saw growing up was an abomination and a disease at work that

>> seemed to affect other people--as bpds usually successfully transmit their

>> negative feelings to other people. It is easy as a young child to confuse

>> what we witness of other people with ourselves, as our sense of self is not

>> established.

>>>

>>> Bpds also usually blame others--including helpless children--for their

>> negative feelings and for their abusive actions toward others. I grew up

>> with a lot of, " Look what you made me do. " We can end up believing that.

>>>

>>> I hope you find the comfort you need today. It hurts to relive those

>> feelings.

>>>

>>> Take care,

>>> Ashana

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Dear MDG2101:

It does not make you an abomination. I agree with all the other posters and the

positive comments they had to make.

As for, can I relate? Yes. I have felt this way too...MANY times over the

years.

Plus, as I raised my daughter on my own, I saw how completely and totally I

loved her. I began questioning, why couldn't my mother do that for me? I

believed it must have been me, that I was so unlovable. Gradually, though, I

became aware that it was her and her inability to see beyond the nose on the

front of her face, to see me as a separate being. Therapy helped. I

grieved...a lot....about my missing childhood, about the love I'd never feel

from a loving, supportive mother who wanted the best for me (and even more than

she had), about my daughter not having a grandmother.

BUT!!! I also managed to do some re-parenting of myself as I parented my

daughter. And the relationship she and I have is totally worth everything I

went through (and just writing that to you has made me sob--but in a good,

cleansing way). I look at the first 24 years of my life as a living hell. With

my daughter's birth, I began to see how it really SHOULD be. And now, at 20,

she is one of the most beautiful, smart, and well-adjusted young people I know.

You have that to look forward to.

P.S.: Since my mother's recent hospitalization, is finally seeing some of

the things I've been describing to her since she's gotten older (she's wondered

why Mom and I aren't close). I know she believed me, but now she's SEEN. She

asked me, " How did you turn out so normal?! " HA! I love it!!!!! You have that

to look forward to, too.

>

> Sorry in advance for the long post...

>

> As a KO a high functioning invisible Witch/Hermit BPD mother (whose entire

family also has BPD)and schizoid father, I grew up so incredibly unloved,

ignored and abused that I feel sure I was meant not to have survived, that no

one who grows up that way should be walking around on this earth infecting other

people with the after-effects of this sickness. Not that I would ever self-harm

or encourage that in any way, it's more a question of fundamental worthiness,

that having been that unloved has made me unworthy. Does anyone else ever feel

this way?

>

> I have a 2yo daughter with my BPDx, and I am very careful to teach her how

valuable she is, how much I love her, that her emotions matter and how to

regulate them without ignoring them, I take her lots of places that would be fun

for her and just in general make sure to really connect with her all the time. I

love her like crazy and would do anything for her but can't help seeing the

contrast between her upbringing and mine, and feeling very sad and angry at my

parents. Why wasn't I worthy of this kind of love, attention and validation

when I was growing up? Is it too late for me? I am doing my best but I am so

sad. It is almost unbearable. I cut contact with my parents a year and a half

ago when my mother said something nasty to me and I insisted she apologize,

which she has never done before in her life. She steadfastly refuses and so I

haven't seen my parents since. Not that I enjoyed being around her before

anyway, but the fact that she cares so little about having a relationship with

me, even though she knows she is dying and will die likely within the next year

without her daughter in her life,is heart-breaking.

>

> I've seen a number of posts from the board veterans lately discussing how the

BPD's dedication to his/her illness is greater than any other force in their

life, that it's not my fault she is this way, and that there is nothing I can do

about it. That definitely helps me a lot but I am still sad!

>

> My daughter is a really happy, well-adjusted, outgoing, cute beyond all

measure toddler, for which I could not be more grateful. But some days when I

look at her I imagine myself at that age (although there are few pictures of me

growing up I've seen a couple, and unsurprisingly we look a lot alike!) and wish

someone had parented me the way I parent her.

>

> I'm doing a lot of work with therapists, reading, mediation, yoga, etc. that

has helped a lot but I still have bad days like this one.

>

> Does anyone else ever feel this way?

>

> A year and a half into the healing process I know enough to know it gets

better, I feel a lot better about my life now overall than I did a year and a

half ago, so I know this emotional storm will pass. But I probably will always

have bad days sometimes.

>

> It really helps to have this forum to rant. Thank you for listening.

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you for sharing that. That really is a powerful exercise.

When I even thought about doing this, my immediate, intense reaction was of

confusion--like I couldn't understand what I was thinking about. Love seems

like such an elusive idea. Pinning it down feels to me like trying to hold onto

air. And yet I am loved.

The word love was a frightening thing, growing up. " Love " to a narcissist means

total abdication of rights or power. " If you really loved me " usually means the

other person should surrender all rights to independence and autonomy--including

the right not to be abused.

Being loved by a narcissist means remaining within a prison.

Ashana

[Guest guest]

You have made a really important point,

The concept of " love " to a person with a character disorder means something

very different than what it means to nons.

To CDs, love is simply a manipulatory tool.

You deserve the kind of Love that honors, and celebrates *you* as a

*real*person, respects your boundaries, supports and applauds your

efforts,

compassionately helps you face your shortcomings, rejoices in your

existence in this world, and life.

The kind of Love that offers respite and succor when you are weary and

grief stricken, and runs joyfully beside you when your emotional sails are

full with blissful wind. You deserve Love that mirrors your strengths, and

offers hope and safety when your own light becomes dim.The kind of Love

that is both shield, and vehicle, that will protect you, and send you

forward to challenge yourself, safely, compassionately, joyfully.

It is there, somewhere within yourself, maybe just a little seed, but it

can, and will blossom for you, that is its sole purpose. Give it a small

gift of welcome, some tiny " something, " that tells it, that you are ready

to accept its own precious gift for you.

Regardless of what religious or non religious beliefs to which one may

subscribe, the very fact that we exist is a wonder and a mystery, and a

sublime gift, beyond compare. Your existence is a part of that magnificent,

miraculous mystery, and you deserve to rejoice, and celebrate it.

May all that is good, and true, and whole, rise up like a shield around

you, bless you with its gifts, arm you with truth, temper you with

forgiveness, for yourself, a well as others, and help you recognize the

miracle that is you.

Sunspot

> **

>

>

> Thank you for sharing that. That really is a powerful exercise.

>

> When I even thought about doing this, my immediate, intense reaction was

> of confusion--like I couldn't understand what I was thinking about. Love

> seems like such an elusive idea. Pinning it down feels to me like trying to

> hold onto air. And yet I am loved.

>

> The word love was a frightening thing, growing up. " Love " to a narcissist

> means total abdication of rights or power. " If you really loved me " usually

> means the other person should surrender all rights to independence and

> autonomy--including the right not to be abused.

>

> Being loved by a narcissist means remaining within a prison.

>

> Ashana

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you so much to everyone who posted in reply to this. I feel so loved!!!

One thing that I think was different about my experience growing up- my mother

was avoidant in addition to being BPD so she didn't generally say a lot of

negative things about me, she just never said anything positive about me. Ever.

Never said she was proud of me, that i was smart, pretty, in any way worthy of

anything. ever. i mean literally never. she would rather die than say something

nice about me (ot anyone else for that matter) Never once did she acknowledge a

positive trait. And if someone else said something positive about me in front of

her, she would say " of course she's (fill in the blank) she's my daughter " ! I

tried to do the exercise suggested but I don't come up with a lot of negative

things my mom said, it's more that she ignored me than insulted me. I was

invisible to her.

Every time I'm not sure what to do about something having to do with raising my

daughter I think " well how would Nada behave in this situation? " And then I do

EXACTLY the opposite!!

Which is probably why my daughter is such a happy, outgoing, adorable toddler!

> >

> > Sorry in advance for the long post...

> >

> > As a KO a high functioning invisible Witch/Hermit BPD mother (whose entire

family also has BPD)and schizoid father, I grew up so incredibly unloved,

ignored and abused that I feel sure I was meant not to have survived, that no

one who grows up that way should be walking around on this earth infecting other

people with the after-effects of this sickness. Not that I would ever self-harm

or encourage that in any way, it's more a question of fundamental worthiness,

that having been that unloved has made me unworthy. Does anyone else ever feel

this way?

> >

> > I have a 2yo daughter with my BPDx, and I am very careful to teach her how

valuable she is, how much I love her, that her emotions matter and how to

regulate them without ignoring them, I take her lots of places that would be fun

for her and just in general make sure to really connect with her all the time. I

love her like crazy and would do anything for her but can't help seeing the

contrast between her upbringing and mine, and feeling very sad and angry at my

parents. Why wasn't I worthy of this kind of love, attention and validation

when I was growing up? Is it too late for me? I am doing my best but I am so

sad. It is almost unbearable. I cut contact with my parents a year and a half

ago when my mother said something nasty to me and I insisted she apologize,

which she has never done before in her life. She steadfastly refuses and so I

haven't seen my parents since. Not that I enjoyed being around her before

anyway, but the fact that she cares so little about having a relationship with

me, even though she knows she is dying and will die likely within the next year

without her daughter in her life,is heart-breaking.

> >

> > I've seen a number of posts from the board veterans lately discussing how

the BPD's dedication to his/her illness is greater than any other force in their

life, that it's not my fault she is this way, and that there is nothing I can do

about it. That definitely helps me a lot but I am still sad!

> >

> > My daughter is a really happy, well-adjusted, outgoing, cute beyond all

measure toddler, for which I could not be more grateful. But some days when I

look at her I imagine myself at that age (although there are few pictures of me

growing up I've seen a couple, and unsurprisingly we look a lot alike!) and wish

someone had parented me the way I parent her.

> >

> > I'm doing a lot of work with therapists, reading, mediation, yoga, etc. that

has helped a lot but I still have bad days like this one.

> >

> > Does anyone else ever feel this way?

> >

> > A year and a half into the healing process I know enough to know it gets

better, I feel a lot better about my life now overall than I did a year and a

half ago, so I know this emotional storm will pass. But I probably will always

have bad days sometimes.

> >

> > It really helps to have this forum to rant. Thank you for listening.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Perhaps it would work for you if instead of writing the negative

things that were said to you, you write down occasions when she

made you feel hurt by ignoring you instead of being positive.

At 08:24 PM 11/04/2012 mdg2101 wrote:

>Thank you so much to everyone who posted in reply to this. I

>feel so loved!!!

>

>One thing that I think was different about my experience

>growing up- my mother was avoidant in addition to being BPD so

>she didn't generally say a lot of negative things about me, she

>just never said anything positive about me. Ever. Never said

>she was proud of me, that i was smart, pretty, in any way

>worthy of anything. ever. i mean literally never. she would

>rather die than say something nice about me (ot anyone else for

>that matter) Never once did she acknowledge a positive trait.

>And if someone else said something positive about me in front

>of her, she would say " of course she's (fill in the blank)

>she's my daughter " ! I tried to do the exercise suggested but I

>don't come up with a lot of negative things my mom said, it's

>more that she ignored me than insulted me. I was invisible to

>her.

>

>Every time I'm not sure what to do about something having to do

>with raising my daughter I think " well how would Nada behave in

>this situation? " And then I do EXACTLY the opposite!!

>

>Which is probably why my daughter is such a happy, outgoing,

>adorable toddler!

>

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

thank you, that is a really good suggestion, I will try that.

>

> >Thank you so much to everyone who posted in reply to this. I

> >feel so loved!!!

> >

> >One thing that I think was different about my experience

> >growing up- my mother was avoidant in addition to being BPD so

> >she didn't generally say a lot of negative things about me, she

> >just never said anything positive about me. Ever. Never said

> >she was proud of me, that i was smart, pretty, in any way

> >worthy of anything. ever. i mean literally never. she would

> >rather die than say something nice about me (ot anyone else for

> >that matter) Never once did she acknowledge a positive trait.

> >And if someone else said something positive about me in front

> >of her, she would say " of course she's (fill in the blank)

> >she's my daughter " ! I tried to do the exercise suggested but I

> >don't come up with a lot of negative things my mom said, it's

> >more that she ignored me than insulted me. I was invisible to

> >her.

> >

> >Every time I'm not sure what to do about something having to do

> >with raising my daughter I think " well how would Nada behave in

> >this situation? " And then I do EXACTLY the opposite!!

> >

> >Which is probably why my daughter is such a happy, outgoing,

> >adorable toddler!

> >

>

> --

> Katrina

>

[Guest guest]

I've definitely felt like that! What you said about feeling like an abomination,

I've felt unloved and unworthy, or perhaps worthless, and had a hard time loving

, no even liking, myself.

I've worked on it, and parenting my own children helped me to understand how

perversely I had been treated. When I think of myself as child being treated in

tht way I too experience a lot of anger and feel quite sorry for that child that

I was all those years ago. I'm not sure how to resolve that overriding regret.

I* suspect that had I been parented the way I parent my own children I woudl

have grown up to be an altogether better and more successful being.

Anyway, venting helps me. Understanding what went wrong helps me. loving my on

children helps me a lot.

I'm considering therapy as a possible next step, but I'm not really sure if I

need it...

Anyway, definitely the way you feel resonates with me. Good luck

Andie.

>

> Sorry in advance for the long post...

>

> As a KO a high functioning invisible Witch/Hermit BPD mother (whose entire

family also has BPD)and schizoid father, I grew up so incredibly unloved,

ignored and abused that I feel sure I was meant not to have survived, that no

one who grows up that way should be walking around on this earth infecting other

people with the after-effects of this sickness. Not that I would ever self-harm

or encourage that in any way, it's more a question of fundamental worthiness,

that having been that unloved has made me unworthy. Does anyone else ever feel

this way?

>

> I have a 2yo daughter with my BPDx, and I am very careful to teach her how

valuable she is, how much I love her, that her emotions matter and how to

regulate them without ignoring them, I take her lots of places that would be fun

for her and just in general make sure to really connect with her all the time. I

love her like crazy and would do anything for her but can't help seeing the

contrast between her upbringing and mine, and feeling very sad and angry at my

parents. Why wasn't I worthy of this kind of love, attention and validation

when I was growing up? Is it too late for me? I am doing my best but I am so

sad. It is almost unbearable. I cut contact with my parents a year and a half

ago when my mother said something nasty to me and I insisted she apologize,

which she has never done before in her life. She steadfastly refuses and so I

haven't seen my parents since. Not that I enjoyed being around her before

anyway, but the fact that she cares so little about having a relationship with

me, even though she knows she is dying and will die likely within the next year

without her daughter in her life,is heart-breaking.

>

> I've seen a number of posts from the board veterans lately discussing how the

BPD's dedication to his/her illness is greater than any other force in their

life, that it's not my fault she is this way, and that there is nothing I can do

about it. That definitely helps me a lot but I am still sad!

>

> My daughter is a really happy, well-adjusted, outgoing, cute beyond all

measure toddler, for which I could not be more grateful. But some days when I

look at her I imagine myself at that age (although there are few pictures of me

growing up I've seen a couple, and unsurprisingly we look a lot alike!) and wish

someone had parented me the way I parent her.

>

> I'm doing a lot of work with therapists, reading, mediation, yoga, etc. that

has helped a lot but I still have bad days like this one.

>

> Does anyone else ever feel this way?

>

> A year and a half into the healing process I know enough to know it gets

better, I feel a lot better about my life now overall than I did a year and a

half ago, so I know this emotional storm will pass. But I probably will always

have bad days sometimes.

>

> It really helps to have this forum to rant. Thank you for listening.

>

[Guest guest]

Silence can speak louder than words. I wonder if your nada " ignored " you at

crucial moments. I've seen it. You are successful at something, and suddenly

she is terribly busy. You have important news to share or a problem and she's

suddenly deeply engrossed in a tv show she was barely watching before.

You could try writing down what you thought when she ignored you. Your thoughts

were probably accurate interpretations of what she was trying to tell you.

Take care,

Ashana

[Guest guest]

In my household it wasn't just that I was ignored on select occasions, I was

universally ignored 100% of the time. It never occurred that someone asked about

what I had going on in school, how my day was, had I learned anything today,

etc. It was universally accepted that I took care of my business (from

toddlerhood). There would literally never once be a question or interest about

when did I have tests, was I busy writing a paper, etc. None of that mattered. I

was expected to manage my schedule of what I needed to do around my mother's

scheduling whims. They didn't want to hear anything about my life ever, but if I

didn't comply and take care of my own work I got beaten. I was allowed to ask

for help but not to talk about myself or my needs in any way, ever. Not once in

my life. My Nada would not have any idea other than report cards that I was

succeeding, she had no interest except to brag to her friends. She never said

" good job " - ever in her life. I was the youngest woman in my company's history

to have ever been elected an executive officer (which happened 3 years ago) but

my parents still know nothing about it because they don't care. If we were still

on speaking terms Nada would be talking about her upcoming doctor's appointment

or whatever mundane thing was going on in her life. I never had a birthday

party. There was no celebrating me. I'm not a separate being and even if I were

I don't matter at all (to her). Sad truth but I know it and I get my validation

elsewhere.

>

> Silence can speak louder than words. I wonder if your nada " ignored " you at

crucial moments. I've seen it. You are successful at something, and suddenly

she is terribly busy. You have important news to share or a problem and she's

suddenly deeply engrossed in a tv show she was barely watching before.

>

> You could try writing down what you thought when she ignored you. Your

thoughts were probably accurate interpretations of what she was trying to tell

you.

>

> Take care,

> Ashana

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Mdg,

You must have felt like a ghost child, or a shadow, in their world. No

validation, no encouragement, no support. No reflection of you, in their

world. It must have been awful. Emotional neglect, and negation are every

bit as abusive as the beatings you received.

And yet, you have managed to be successful, in your *own *world. Becoming

the youngest female executive officer in your companies history is quite an

accomplishment!

I believe, that to BPDs, or any CD, we are more like unruly figments of

their imagination, and not real people, at all. Thus, any means they they

choose to use, with which to " manage " us, are OK. Beating? we were " out of

control. " Ignoring us? we weren't worthy of their attention. Shutting us

out, shunning, refusing to speak to us? we deserved to be taught a lesson.

Our most basic needs are seen as unreasonable demands. We think we are

special, we think we have rights to their person, time, resources, life.

I hope you give yourself birthday parties, I hope you find ways to

celebrate your accomplishments, and your very self, your life, your being.

I hope you THRIVE!

Warm Regards, Sunspot

> **

>

>

> In my household it wasn't just that I was ignored on select occasions, I

> was universally ignored 100% of the time. It never occurred that someone

> asked about what I had going on in school, how my day was, had I learned

> anything today, etc. It was universally accepted that I took care of my

> business (from toddlerhood). There would literally never once be a question

> or interest about when did I have tests, was I busy writing a paper, etc.

> None of that mattered. I was expected to manage my schedule of what I

> needed to do around my mother's scheduling whims. They didn't want to hear

> anything about my life ever, but if I didn't comply and take care of my own

> work I got beaten. I was allowed to ask for help but not to talk about

> myself or my needs in any way, ever. Not once in my life. My Nada would not

> have any idea other than report cards that I was succeeding, she had no

> interest except to brag to her friends. She never said " good job " - ever in

> her life. I was the youngest woman in my company's history to have ever

> been elected an executive officer (which happened 3 years ago) but my

> parents still know nothing about it because they don't care. If we were

> still on speaking terms Nada would be talking about her upcoming doctor's

> appointment or whatever mundane thing was going on in her life. I never had

> a birthday party. There was no celebrating me. I'm not a separate being and

> even if I were I don't matter at all (to her). Sad truth but I know it and

> I get my validation elsewhere.

>

>

>

> >

> > Silence can speak louder than words. I wonder if your nada " ignored " you

> at crucial moments. I've seen it. You are successful at something, and

> suddenly she is terribly busy. You have important news to share or a

> problem and she's suddenly deeply engrossed in a tv show she was barely

> watching before.

> >

> > You could try writing down what you thought when she ignored you. Your

> thoughts were probably accurate interpretations of what she was trying to

> tell you.

> >

> > Take care,

> > Ashana

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you Sunspot. The way you feel exactly resonates with how I feel. Thank you

for validating what I am saying!!!

> > >

> > > Silence can speak louder than words. I wonder if your nada " ignored " you

> > at crucial moments. I've seen it. You are successful at something, and

> > suddenly she is terribly busy. You have important news to share or a

> > problem and she's suddenly deeply engrossed in a tv show she was barely

> > watching before.

> > >

> > > You could try writing down what you thought when she ignored you. Your

> > thoughts were probably accurate interpretations of what she was trying to

> > tell you.

> > >

> > > Take care,

> > > Ashana

> > >

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I think that kind of lack of warmth and nurturing would make anyone feel pretty

worthless. I'm so sorry you went through that.

It doesn't make you an abomination. It makes you profoundly neglected. Parents

who can't provide any warmth to their children are an abomination.

Take care,

Ashana

[Guest guest]

Sunspot,

When you say " ghost child, " that's exactly how I felt growing up. I've never

heard a more accurate description.

Thank you,

Ashana

[Guest guest]

An abomination?! Absolutely not! No way! All us KOs have worth. And the fact

that we have the capacity to understand what has happened to us and to

understand the reasons we might have had trouble figuring out who we are shows

that we are so much more than the people we were raised by. (((hugs)))

>

> Sorry in advance for the long post...

>

> As a KO a high functioning invisible Witch/Hermit BPD mother (whose entire

family also has BPD)and schizoid father, I grew up so incredibly unloved,

ignored and abused that I feel sure I was meant not to have survived, that no

one who grows up that way should be walking around on this earth infecting other

people with the after-effects of this sickness. Not that I would ever self-harm

or encourage that in any way, it's more a question of fundamental worthiness,

that having been that unloved has made me unworthy. Does anyone else ever feel

this way?

>

> I have a 2yo daughter with my BPDx, and I am very careful to teach her how

valuable she is, how much I love her, that her emotions matter and how to

regulate them without ignoring them, I take her lots of places that would be fun

for her and just in general make sure to really connect with her all the time. I

love her like crazy and would do anything for her but can't help seeing the

contrast between her upbringing and mine, and feeling very sad and angry at my

parents. Why wasn't I worthy of this kind of love, attention and validation

when I was growing up? Is it too late for me? I am doing my best but I am so

sad. It is almost unbearable. I cut contact with my parents a year and a half

ago when my mother said something nasty to me and I insisted she apologize,

which she has never done before in her life. She steadfastly refuses and so I

haven't seen my parents since. Not that I enjoyed being around her before

anyway, but the fact that she cares so little about having a relationship with

me, even though she knows she is dying and will die likely within the next year

without her daughter in her life,is heart-breaking.

>

> I've seen a number of posts from the board veterans lately discussing how the

BPD's dedication to his/her illness is greater than any other force in their

life, that it's not my fault she is this way, and that there is nothing I can do

about it. That definitely helps me a lot but I am still sad!

>

> My daughter is a really happy, well-adjusted, outgoing, cute beyond all

measure toddler, for which I could not be more grateful. But some days when I

look at her I imagine myself at that age (although there are few pictures of me

growing up I've seen a couple, and unsurprisingly we look a lot alike!) and wish

someone had parented me the way I parent her.

>

> I'm doing a lot of work with therapists, reading, mediation, yoga, etc. that

has helped a lot but I still have bad days like this one.

>

> Does anyone else ever feel this way?

>

> A year and a half into the healing process I know enough to know it gets

better, I feel a lot better about my life now overall than I did a year and a

half ago, so I know this emotional storm will pass. But I probably will always

have bad days sometimes.

>

> It really helps to have this forum to rant. Thank you for listening.

>