Re: I can't believe she's saying this. . . .

[Guest guest]

Wow, she just wants control. Good job!

> **

>

>

> Just more nada-isms I guess.

>

> Last week she informed me that I'm just not " me. " I asked what she meant.

> She said I'm not acting like myself, that I'm too nice. So I said, " You

> want me to tone down the Little Miss Sunshine behavior? " and she said

> yes because I was just too happy to be real.

>

> Monday she was in love with us because we rushed over to clean up and

> repair her broken toilet line that flooded her bathroom and hallway (hubby

> had to cancel his tutoring session with 3 kids and his visit with his

> hospice patient). Today she's ranting about things going missing (as she

> has been for the past year). She was looking for some list of phone

> numbers. She said, " It was here when J. came over to fix the toilet and

> then it was gone when he left. I can't understand why he would take a list

> of phone numbers. " I told her that he wouldn't. Besides she was missing

> that list a week or two ago and has been complaining about it.

>

> Then it was my turn. She said, " I don't understand why things are getting

> moved around or go missing. Does someone hate me? You wouldn't do that to

> me, would you? " I said absolutely not. And then she says, " After all,

> you're getting everything when I die; why would you do things to upset me? "

> I was good; I didn't get snarky. I told her that we come over and help

> because we want to, not because we're trying to hang on to some

> inheritance. Then she was upset and said, " Wouldn't it be nice to get all

> this money and the house? " I just said, yeah, it would be nice. We've been

> through this before where I tried to explain that I don't expect her to

> leave things to me, they belong to her to do what she wants. That ticked

> her off that I wasn't excited to get all her stuff.

>

> After her ranting about this and that, then she said, " Oh, I feel so much

> better. " Well, good for you. I figure the worst that can happen is she'll

> disown me, never want me to come over again. She came close to that a

> couple weeks ago but then she wanted company.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Dear Irene,

Really can I say what a Saint you are, because IMHO your nada does not deserve

you to come and fix her toilet. It is more pain than gain for you by any

standard. She is the one who did not do any or enough prevention care of the

house; she is the one who depsite all that 'money' you are to inherit does not

have a plumber on standby or a plumbing plan; she is the one much more

interested in using the situation to hurt or control you than to actually fix

her house. I hope that you are rewarded for this on some karmic plane. Also I

fully applaud and agree with your decision not to depend on an 'inheritance'

from her in any way. Financial control is one of the most effective and harmful

tools that Cluster Bs use over their adult children. I cut myself off from my

own FOO years ago financially, but I am still deep in debt from their terrible

manipulations (oh just charge it, your Daddy will pay; oh I'll pay for your

groceries today, etc.)--that my situation is still trepidatious. Even though I

am geographically distant, the only times I find I am making *real strides

towards feeling safe from them is when I make financial improvements. It is a

sometimes underlooked theme that we all need to recognize. If I had a million

dollars, I think I would free every KO who is still living under a nada roof.

Best,

Charlotte

>

> Just more nada-isms I guess.

>

> Last week she informed me that I'm just not " me. " I asked what she meant. She

said I'm not acting like myself, that I'm too nice. So I said, " You want me to

tone down the Little Miss Sunshine behavior? " and she said yes because I

was just too happy to be real.

>

> Monday she was in love with us because we rushed over to clean up and repair

her broken toilet line that flooded her bathroom and hallway (hubby had to

cancel his tutoring session with 3 kids and his visit with his hospice patient).

Today she's ranting about things going missing (as she has been for the past

year). She was looking for some list of phone numbers. She said, " It was here

when J. came over to fix the toilet and then it was gone when he left. I can't

understand why he would take a list of phone numbers. " I told her that he

wouldn't. Besides she was missing that list a week or two ago and has been

complaining about it.

>

> Then it was my turn. She said, " I don't understand why things are getting

moved around or go missing. Does someone hate me? You wouldn't do that to me,

would you? " I said absolutely not. And then she says, " After all, you're getting

everything when I die; why would you do things to upset me? " I was good; I

didn't get snarky. I told her that we come over and help because we want to, not

because we're trying to hang on to some inheritance. Then she was upset and

said, " Wouldn't it be nice to get all this money and the house? " I just said,

yeah, it would be nice. We've been through this before where I tried to explain

that I don't expect her to leave things to me, they belong to her to do what she

wants. That ticked her off that I wasn't excited to get all her stuff.

>

> After her ranting about this and that, then she said, " Oh, I feel so much

better. " Well, good for you. I figure the worst that can happen is she'll disown

me, never want me to come over again. She came close to that a couple weeks ago

but then she wanted company.

>

[Guest guest]

My father does exactly the same things. He started the " your inheritance " theme

with me and my sibs a couple of months ago. I think it's an act of desperation

for him. His attempts at controlling us through the usual emotional/verbal abuse

is no longer working since my mom died.

Funny how they don't see that there are negative results from their negative

actions and words. I am amazed constantly that you could go through life (82

years for my father) and never ever learn that.

Glad you are putting this all in perspective and the you are in the group.

Be well.

>

> Just more nada-isms I guess.

>

> Last week she informed me that I'm just not " me. " I asked what she meant. She

said I'm not acting like myself, that I'm too nice. So I said, " You want me to

tone down the Little Miss Sunshine behavior? " and she said yes because I

was just too happy to be real.

>

> Monday she was in love with us because we rushed over to clean up and repair

her broken toilet line that flooded her bathroom and hallway (hubby had to

cancel his tutoring session with 3 kids and his visit with his hospice patient).

Today she's ranting about things going missing (as she has been for the past

year). She was looking for some list of phone numbers. She said, " It was here

when J. came over to fix the toilet and then it was gone when he left. I can't

understand why he would take a list of phone numbers. " I told her that he

wouldn't. Besides she was missing that list a week or two ago and has been

complaining about it.

>

> Then it was my turn. She said, " I don't understand why things are getting

moved around or go missing. Does someone hate me? You wouldn't do that to me,

would you? " I said absolutely not. And then she says, " After all, you're getting

everything when I die; why would you do things to upset me? " I was good; I

didn't get snarky. I told her that we come over and help because we want to, not

because we're trying to hang on to some inheritance. Then she was upset and

said, " Wouldn't it be nice to get all this money and the house? " I just said,

yeah, it would be nice. We've been through this before where I tried to explain

that I don't expect her to leave things to me, they belong to her to do what she

wants. That ticked her off that I wasn't excited to get all her stuff.

>

> After her ranting about this and that, then she said, " Oh, I feel so much

better. " Well, good for you. I figure the worst that can happen is she'll disown

me, never want me to come over again. She came close to that a couple weeks ago

but then she wanted company.

>

[Guest guest]

The " your inheritance " move is a move of desperation and it's their final

move. If the target doesn't respond, what's left?

> **

>

>

>

> My father does exactly the same things. He started the " your inheritance "

> theme with me and my sibs a couple of months ago. I think it's an act of

> desperation for him. His attempts at controlling us through the usual

> emotional/verbal abuse is no longer working since my mom died.

>

> Funny how they don't see that there are negative results from their

> negative actions and words. I am amazed constantly that you could go

> through life (82 years for my father) and never ever learn that.

>

> Glad you are putting this all in perspective and the you are in the group.

> Be well.

>

>

> >

> > Just more nada-isms I guess.

> >

> > Last week she informed me that I'm just not " me. " I asked what she

> meant. She said I'm not acting like myself, that I'm too nice. So I said,

> " You want me to tone down the Little Miss Sunshine behavior? " and she

> said yes because I was just too happy to be real.

> >

> > Monday she was in love with us because we rushed over to clean up and

> repair her broken toilet line that flooded her bathroom and hallway (hubby

> had to cancel his tutoring session with 3 kids and his visit with his

> hospice patient). Today she's ranting about things going missing (as she

> has been for the past year). She was looking for some list of phone

> numbers. She said, " It was here when J. came over to fix the toilet and

> then it was gone when he left. I can't understand why he would take a list

> of phone numbers. " I told her that he wouldn't. Besides she was missing

> that list a week or two ago and has been complaining about it.

> >

> > Then it was my turn. She said, " I don't understand why things are

> getting moved around or go missing. Does someone hate me? You wouldn't do

> that to me, would you? " I said absolutely not. And then she says, " After

> all, you're getting everything when I die; why would you do things to upset

> me? " I was good; I didn't get snarky. I told her that we come over and help

> because we want to, not because we're trying to hang on to some

> inheritance. Then she was upset and said, " Wouldn't it be nice to get all

> this money and the house? " I just said, yeah, it would be nice. We've been

> through this before where I tried to explain that I don't expect her to

> leave things to me, they belong to her to do what she wants. That ticked

> her off that I wasn't excited to get all her stuff.

> >

> > After her ranting about this and that, then she said, " Oh, I feel so

> much better. " Well, good for you. I figure the worst that can happen is

> she'll disown me, never want me to come over again. She came close to that

> a couple weeks ago but then she wanted company.

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks all. My husband thinks she's wanting a frantic reaction from me and I'm

not giving it to her. She wants me to be all upset to prove I care.

Yesterday her call was: I'm packing up and moving! I said, O....K..... She

snapped, what do you mean OK? Don't you care? I just said that I'm not going to

be bossy and tell her what she can and can't do but did she have a plan? She

said yes, she was going to get her " boys " (a couple of young guys that pick up

junk and resell or recycle it) to pack up her stuff and move it. Then I asked if

she knew where she wanted to live. She said no but that's OK; she's packed up

and moved before and she can do it again.

She went through the whole thing again about how she can't live like this,

things constantly go missing, she has to pile cans and bottles by the doors so

if someone comes in, it will scare them. I reminded her that she has her alarm

system but she's convinced that crooks can disable it. Then she went on again

about how things seem to go missing when we come over. I asked her: Would you

feel more comfortable if we didn't come into your house? I can set up a time to

visit and have you just come on out to the car. She disagreed (of course) and

said if she can't trust us, who can she trust? Well, duh. I know that but I'm a

bit tired of hearing how things go missing every time we visit. Actually, I

haven't been over for several days now because she didn't want me to come over

but things are still going missing according to her.

The real deal is this: I've learned to stay calm when talking to her, not start

crying and all that. I push back a bit when she makes ridiculous comments. I try

to stick with facts only and not get into all the emotional drama. But after I'm

done, I feel like I've run a marathon. I'm exhausted. I guess that's normal but

I don't like it. So in that way, she's still controlling me. The first thing I

did was contact my doctor to set me up with the counselor again. I want to know

where to go from here.

I have contacted her doctor/nurse. The doctor does nothing. The nurse is

wonderful and kind but she can only do so much. And I don't want to keep bugging

her with every stupid thing that comes up. So do I keep managing nada's drama or

keep contacting the doctor's office?

Monday (if she allows me to come over) she wants to go buy a gun. I do hope the

guy at the pawn shop is smart enough to realize she shouldn't have one.

And " Millicent " - I tried to send you a private msg on another thread because

you made such a sweet comment to me. I just didn't want to hijack that thread.

In case you didn't see it, I want to say thank you here.

>

> > **

> >

> >

> >

> > My father does exactly the same things. He started the " your inheritance "

> > theme with me and my sibs a couple of months ago. I think it's an act of

> > desperation for him. His attempts at controlling us through the usual

> > emotional/verbal abuse is no longer working since my mom died.

> >

> > Funny how they don't see that there are negative results from their

> > negative actions and words. I am amazed constantly that you could go

> > through life (82 years for my father) and never ever learn that.

> >

> > Glad you are putting this all in perspective and the you are in the group.

> > Be well.

> >

[Guest guest]

O how nice. Don't know what I said but its nice to hear that something nice

happened lol. Good luck with your mother :-)

> Thanks all. My husband thinks she's wanting a frantic reaction from me and I'm

not giving it to her. She wants me to be all upset to prove I care.

>

> Yesterday her call was: I'm packing up and moving! I said, O....K..... She

snapped, what do you mean OK? Don't you care? I just said that I'm not going to

be bossy and tell her what she can and can't do but did she have a plan? She

said yes, she was going to get her " boys " (a couple of young guys that pick up

junk and resell or recycle it) to pack up her stuff and move it. Then I asked if

she knew where she wanted to live. She said no but that's OK; she's packed up

and moved before and she can do it again.

>

> She went through the whole thing again about how she can't live like this,

things constantly go missing, she has to pile cans and bottles by the doors so

if someone comes in, it will scare them. I reminded her that she has her alarm

system but she's convinced that crooks can disable it. Then she went on again

about how things seem to go missing when we come over. I asked her: Would you

feel more comfortable if we didn't come into your house? I can set up a time to

visit and have you just come on out to the car. She disagreed (of course) and

said if she can't trust us, who can she trust? Well, duh. I know that but I'm a

bit tired of hearing how things go missing every time we visit. Actually, I

haven't been over for several days now because she didn't want me to come over

but things are still going missing according to her.

>

> The real deal is this: I've learned to stay calm when talking to her, not

start crying and all that. I push back a bit when she makes ridiculous comments.

I try to stick with facts only and not get into all the emotional drama. But

after I'm done, I feel like I've run a marathon. I'm exhausted. I guess that's

normal but I don't like it. So in that way, she's still controlling me. The

first thing I did was contact my doctor to set me up with the counselor again. I

want to know where to go from here.

>

> I have contacted her doctor/nurse. The doctor does nothing. The nurse is

wonderful and kind but she can only do so much. And I don't want to keep bugging

her with every stupid thing that comes up. So do I keep managing nada's drama or

keep contacting the doctor's office?

>

> Monday (if she allows me to come over) she wants to go buy a gun. I do hope

the guy at the pawn shop is smart enough to realize she shouldn't have one.

>

> And " Millicent " - I tried to send you a private msg on another thread because

you made such a sweet comment to me. I just didn't want to hijack that thread.

In case you didn't see it, I want to say thank you here.

>

>

> >

> > > **

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > > My father does exactly the same things. He started the " your inheritance "

> > > theme with me and my sibs a couple of months ago. I think it's an act of

> > > desperation for him. His attempts at controlling us through the usual

> > > emotional/verbal abuse is no longer working since my mom died.

> > >

> > > Funny how they don't see that there are negative results from their

> > > negative actions and words. I am amazed constantly that you could go

> > > through life (82 years for my father) and never ever learn that.

> > >

> > > Glad you are putting this all in perspective and the you are in the group.

> > > Be well.

> > >

>

>

[Guest guest]

OOOOH! My nada pulled that prank a few years back. So I supported her, mostly by

repeating back to her what she said about it. And she did it. __ Best. Year.

Ever.__ but didn't last and she came back.

Also, about the gun...sounds to me like she is just trying to stir up

controversy and drama. I would take the approach of just ignoring the issue. She

probably (hopefully) won't go through with the purchase. May be they could sell

her a taser or even better, pepper spray as a personal defense option if she

really ends up trying to buy one.

Keep on " medium-chilling " on!

[Guest guest]

She's been talking about a gun for the past year. She's convinced she'll be able

to handle it, respond quickly enough to use it. She doesn't drive so the only

time she goes out is when I come over. No, she doesn't ask anyone else or take a

cab. I'm ignoring it unless she insists on going to the pawn shop when I go

over. Usually she talks about this and that but when I go over, it's " No, let's

not bother with that today. " She has to have a background check first before

they sell to her. That would give me 3 days to contact her doctor if she really

goes through with this. Right now she has a big stick and thinks she can whack

the bad guys into submission. I'm good - I don't smile or laugh. She seems to

need that perception of super woman.

>

> OOOOH! My nada pulled that prank a few years back. So I supported her, mostly

by repeating back to her what she said about it. And she did it. __ Best. Year.

Ever.__ but didn't last and she came back.

> Also, about the gun...sounds to me like she is just trying to stir up

controversy and drama. I would take the approach of just ignoring the issue. She

probably (hopefully) won't go through with the purchase. May be they could sell

her a taser or even better, pepper spray as a personal defense option if she

really ends up trying to buy one.

> Keep on " medium-chilling " on!

>

>

[Guest guest]

Once an elderly person starts showing increased paranoid thinking and increased

memory issues I think it's wise to prevent them from obtaining a gun. BPD plus

dementia plus a gun is a recipe for tragedy. It may require some creative

strategizing on your part to distract your nada when she focuses on this " I need

a gun " train of thought, but better safe than sorry, in my opinion.

-Annie

> >

> > > **

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > > My father does exactly the same things. He started the " your inheritance "

> > > theme with me and my sibs a couple of months ago. I think it's an act of

> > > desperation for him. His attempts at controlling us through the usual

> > > emotional/verbal abuse is no longer working since my mom died.

> > >

> > > Funny how they don't see that there are negative results from their

> > > negative actions and words. I am amazed constantly that you could go

> > > through life (82 years for my father) and never ever learn that.

> > >

> > > Glad you are putting this all in perspective and the you are in the group.

> > > Be well.

> > >

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you. I agree completely but not sure how to stop this. Since I'm her sole

driver, I'm pretty confident that she won't run out and buy one on her own. And

each time I go over to visit, I make sure we have many other places to do

errands so we don't have time to browse at the pawn shop. I'm not sure how to

get a message across to the pawn shop person. Other than a background check, I

doubt that they do a mental status check before selling.

The idea of her having a gun makes me very nervous. Right now she keeps

everything locked up and turned off so when I come visit, I have to ring the

doorbell. I used to go in through the garage door using the key pad. If she had

a gun, I might be tempted to stand way to the side of the door while I wait for

her to open up. I don't want to be gunned down on the porch because she things a

rapist is outside. She has a peephole installed but won't use it because she's

afraid someone will shoot her in the eye.

Dear God - if I ever get like this, someone euthanize me. Life isn't worth

living in that state of mind.

>

> Once an elderly person starts showing increased paranoid thinking and

increased memory issues I think it's wise to prevent them from obtaining a gun.

BPD plus dementia plus a gun is a recipe for tragedy. It may require some

creative strategizing on your part to distract your nada when she focuses on

this " I need a gun " train of thought, but better safe than sorry, in my opinion.

> -Annie

>

[Guest guest]

I have to agree, I think the gun issue is not only scary, and

potentially tragic, but I also ( call me paranoid..) fear that her

hyper-focus may be telegraphing bad intent on her part.

My own Nada has an eerie tendency to " forewarn " others of her intent to

act out, by talking about situations in which such behaviors would be

justifiable, or by actually setting up scenarios in which she would be

justified in committing some horrendous, or otherwise unfathomable action.

My Nada involves everyone from family, friends, her attorney,

house-keepers, the mailman, and her medical team, thru carefully crafted

stories, about how she is " afraid " (or what ever) etc., and they believe

her, tell her she needs to protect herself, blah-blah-blah.

Sometimes, this affirmation from others seems to be enough to calm her

down, however, the last time we were together, she got emotionally hooked

on this bizaar fantasy scenario about some poor woman who had lost both her

husband (my dad had just died) and her child in the same year. She would

tell the story to everyone whom she could corner.

During this same time period, she began keeping one of my fathers guns out

on one of the work counters onto which her cat liked to jump, and play. She

kept the damn thing chambered, and the safety off. She often joked about

one of us " getting killed by the cat "

I was scared stupid she was going to kill me, " accidentally. "

Nadas are really scary people, and it is hard to predict their actions,

since we do not think the way they do, because we *cannot* think the way

they do. We are not BPD.

The one and only thing I know, without doubt, without wavering, is that

their behavior is always in service of their disorder. To this end, any

machination, manipulation, lie, injury to others, or even to herself, is

totally justifiable, *in her mind.*

No-one else is truly, genuinely real, *in their minds*. We are perceived as

unruly figments of their imaginations. Therefore, any means they choose to

use, to cause us to perform our allotted roles du jour are fair, and

justifiable.

From what you write, it would seem that your most recent role, is that of

the " dishonest, selfish, greedy daughter and family, stealing from a

vulnerable elderly mother. " She obviously perceives and presents herself as

justified in protecting herself from you.

In my area, a person has to apply for a handgun permit (permit to

purchase) at the local P.D., or Sheriff's Dept. and it takes abt., 10 days

to receive the answer. These offices are usually pretty good at weeding

out potential problems, especially if you encourage your nada to explain,

in great and graphic detail, to the police why she wants the weapon. The

more adamant, impassioned, and intense she sounds, the less likely they

are to pass her request thru. They may also offer her alternatives, such as

alaarm systems, increased patrols in her neighborhood, etc.

However, She can go to any sporting goods store, purchase, and walk out

with a rifle or shot gun. This time of year, if she says she is buying it

as a gift, it will raise few eyebrows.

A few phone calls (I'd start with my local Police Dept.,) will get you the

answers you need.

The potentials are scary.

Too many times, in dealing with my Nada, I have ignored my intuition, and

all the signs, and convinced myself that I was just being paranoid, only

to find out, to my grief and horror, that I had been right.

I just wouldn't take any chances.

What do you stand to loose, if you are mistaken.

What do you stand to loose, if you are right.

She is telling you, very clearly, that she does not trust you.

I think I would explain to her, that YOU and your family no longer feel

comfortable or safe coming into her home, and that she is going to need to

look into finding some kind of alternate caregiver. Take her fliers and

brochures from local agencies. tell her when your last day with her, as

care giver will be. tell her she will need to rely on cabs, and elder-care

agencies for any further support.

My guess is that she will knock all this gun garbage off. If she persists,

then follow thru with No Contact.

You can't unshoot a gun.

My Very Best Regards,

Sunspot

On Tue, Nov 13, 2012 at 2:15 PM, anuria67854 anuria-67854@...>wrote:

> **

>

>

> Once an elderly person starts showing increased paranoid thinking and

> increased memory issues I think it's wise to prevent them from obtaining a

> gun. BPD plus dementia plus a gun is a recipe for tragedy. It may require

> some creative strategizing on your part to distract your nada when she

> focuses on this " I need a gun " train of thought, but better safe than

> sorry, in my opinion.

> -Annie

>

>

> > >

> > > > **

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > > My father does exactly the same things. He started the " your

> inheritance "

> > > > theme with me and my sibs a couple of months ago. I think it's an

> act of

> > > > desperation for him. His attempts at controlling us through the usual

> > > > emotional/verbal abuse is no longer working since my mom died.

> > > >

> > > > Funny how they don't see that there are negative results from their

> > > > negative actions and words. I am amazed constantly that you could go

> > > > through life (82 years for my father) and never ever learn that.

> > > >

> > > > Glad you are putting this all in perspective and the you are in the

> group.

> > > > Be well.

> > > >

> >

>

>

>