I wish things were normal

November 6, 2012

I've been away for quite a while. To be honest, I think thinking about my mother

and the crazy just became too much for me.

I told myself that my relationship with my mother was getting better, that I was

navigating her and her irrationality, her hyper-anxiety and nastiness better

than ever before.

And I have been. I'll see her name on the caller ID and am able to ignore it

with much more ease than before. Her zings haven't bugged me like they used to.

Basically, I avoid, ignore, and steer away from her. Even though it's working

in the sense that I'm keeping myself from her toxicity, I still feel like I'm

not dealing honestly with her. I'm not sure that's possible.

Anyway, she called me before the hurricane and basically begged me to let her

stay with us. Friends, I am not proud of my reaction...I said, " WHAT?! here??

NO! " It was the equivalent of a toddler tantrum. Nevertheless, she came to

stay. I caved. She actually " behaved " as much as that's possible for her.

She called me just before to drop huge hints for me to accompany her to the

doctor bc she's nervous about something. Here's where my subject line comes in.

If only she were normal, if she weren't so RAMPED up on anxiety and fear and

meanness, I would consider going with her. As it turns out, I can't anyway, but

that is simply not an option.

It's like she's determined to be miserable and to take anyone who'll listen

along with her. Nervous about a symptom, nervous about the weather report, you

name it. It's not even just nerves. She seriously needs professional help but

she just give me the finger when I bring it up.

I think what alarmed me with the hurricane incident and her call just before is

my reaction. I wish I were more under control, more calm and cool. But I was so

like a deer in headlights, frozen. This time, I didn't freak. I just was silent

and hoped she would drop the hints. She just got kind of mean.

I don't like her. I just don't. If she weren't my mother, I would stay far, far

away from her. Her only interest in relationships is out of survival. It's so

sad. She doesn't make friends for the beauty of friendship. She does it in case

she needs that person. She's told me that straight out about her " friends. "

Anyway, thanks for listening, guys.

Fiona

November 6, 2012

I hear a lot of familiar things in what you are saying. For the first time in my

life I am trying to set boundaries with my mom Finally finding out about BPD

made me realize it is okay for me to do so, and that I must do so, explicitly. I

have tried in the past and just caved in and apologized and basically said that

I am a bad person for wanting a normal life when hers is so messed up. Survivor

guilt getting the best of me.

But this time I don't want to cave in, but I am also terrified of her. She has

threatened to kill my dad and herself, and now she is making veiled threats

towards me like " choices have an outcome good or bad, regardless of you rights. "

And then when I ask her if that is a threat, she says her threats are cries for

help basically implying that if I don't try to save her that whatever she does

is my fault.

I'm so done with the traps, and her refusing to get help. She has had a tough

life, and I know she is just sick, but it is killing me inside and I can't

handle it anymore. I have tried for years to just be sympathetic and

compassionate and things have only gotten worse. She won't get help. She can't

stand to think about changing anything because she knows no other way of

functioning. The whole world must exist to support her, and nothing is ever

enough.

PJ

>

> I've been away for quite a while. To be honest, I think thinking about my

mother and the crazy just became too much for me.

>

> I told myself that my relationship with my mother was getting better, that I

was navigating her and her irrationality, her hyper-anxiety and nastiness better

than ever before.

>

> And I have been. I'll see her name on the caller ID and am able to ignore it

with much more ease than before. Her zings haven't bugged me like they used to.

>

> Basically, I avoid, ignore, and steer away from her. Even though it's working

in the sense that I'm keeping myself from her toxicity, I still feel like I'm

not dealing honestly with her. I'm not sure that's possible.

>

> Anyway, she called me before the hurricane and basically begged me to let her

stay with us. Friends, I am not proud of my reaction...I said, " WHAT?! here??

NO! " It was the equivalent of a toddler tantrum. Nevertheless, she came to

stay. I caved. She actually " behaved " as much as that's possible for her.

>

> She called me just before to drop huge hints for me to accompany her to the

doctor bc she's nervous about something. Here's where my subject line comes in.

If only she were normal, if she weren't so RAMPED up on anxiety and fear and

meanness, I would consider going with her. As it turns out, I can't anyway, but

that is simply not an option.

>

> It's like she's determined to be miserable and to take anyone who'll listen

along with her. Nervous about a symptom, nervous about the weather report, you

name it. It's not even just nerves. She seriously needs professional help but

she just give me the finger when I bring it up.

>

> I think what alarmed me with the hurricane incident and her call just before

is my reaction. I wish I were more under control, more calm and cool. But I was

so like a deer in headlights, frozen. This time, I didn't freak. I just was

silent and hoped she would drop the hints. She just got kind of mean.

>

> I don't like her. I just don't. If she weren't my mother, I would stay far,

far away from her. Her only interest in relationships is out of survival. It's

so sad. She doesn't make friends for the beauty of friendship. She does it in

case she needs that person. She's told me that straight out about her " friends. "

>

> Anyway, thanks for listening, guys.

>

> Fiona

>

November 6, 2012

Hi Fiona,

I can totally sympathize. Mine wants me to drive her to a distant family members

funeral service. Stuck in a car with nada three hours there and three back. " NO

FREAKING WAY! " Nada loves to utilize times you are trapped in a car with her to

have " talks " which is just a time for her to vent and get everything off HER

chest. I'm not going to do that to myself, thank you very much. Knowing that is

not a good idea is just part of being better dealing with her.

I have been wanting to respond to you post all day. I relate to what you said...

> Basically, I avoid, ignore, and steer away from her. Even though it's working

in the sense that I'm keeping myself from her toxicity, I still feel like I'm

not dealing honestly with her. I'm not sure that's possible.

>

When I am tempted to " be honest " with my nada, the first thing I ask myself,

is...would it change her behavior toward me in any way that is positive? Would

she " hear " anything I have to say to her? (the answer is always no) Is it likely

to cause her to get defensive and lash out at me and cause MORE issues between

us? (the answer has always been YES to date) I think KO's can give themselves a

pass in not dealing honestly with our BP disordered family members. That is

something you can do with normal people. I wouldn't expect a parapalegic to run

a marathon. I can't expect a BPD to react and respond normally.

Congrats to you on dealing with your nada during Sandy.

C

November 7, 2012

FIONA I totally agree with you. I'm in the same place where I just. don't. like.

her. But she is my mother and the grandmother of my kids, and they love love

love her (toddlers!) If she weren't, I would NOT keep her around. I gave up the

guilt along time ago about this, yea about the time I gave up the grief of not

having a 'mother.' I just can't go back in time. But I sure can make today

beautiful!

Here's to rays of sunshine pouring down on you!

November 7, 2012

C:

New to the group, and your post really caught my eye b/c I have the same

situation, where I can't stand being around her and make it my business to

" visit " and be superficially polite and all, while physically avoiding spending

much time in the same room.

3 hours there and back...no way!!

Good for you for sticking up for yourself,

Gmen

>

> Hi Fiona,

>

> I can totally sympathize. Mine wants me to drive her to a distant family

members funeral service. Stuck in a car with nada three hours there and three

back. " NO FREAKING WAY! " Nada loves to utilize times you are trapped in a car

with her to have " talks " which is just a time for her to vent and get everything

off HER chest. I'm not going to do that to myself, thank you very much. Knowing

that is not a good idea is just part of being better dealing with her.

>

> I have been wanting to respond to you post all day. I relate to what you

said...

>

> > Basically, I avoid, ignore, and steer away from her. Even though it's

working in the sense that I'm keeping myself from her toxicity, I still feel

like I'm not dealing honestly with her. I'm not sure that's possible.

> >

>

> When I am tempted to " be honest " with my nada, the first thing I ask myself,

is...would it change her behavior toward me in any way that is positive? Would

she " hear " anything I have to say to her? (the answer is always no) Is it likely

to cause her to get defensive and lash out at me and cause MORE issues between

us? (the answer has always been YES to date) I think KO's can give themselves a

pass in not dealing honestly with our BP disordered family members. That is

something you can do with normal people. I wouldn't expect a parapalegic to run

a marathon. I can't expect a BPD to react and respond normally.

>

> Congrats to you on dealing with your nada during Sandy.

>

> C

>

November 7, 2012

Hi Fiona,

I can totally relate to your post. My mother lives in Florida and I am

here in Pennsylvania I do every I can to avoid going down there or having

her come here. I don't like being around her. First because of her BPD

and second because she is an alcoholic which makes it all worse. I do

exactly what you said " steer away from her as much as possible " . I lie to

avoid going down there and make things up why I can't go. I am not proud of

this but I consider it a survival technique. I do whatever I can to

protect myself from her and if it means lying then I do that. I have

learned from the past you can't tell her the truth because that would just

bring on more wrath and abuse. It's not worth it to me.

Your gut reaction about the hurricane reminded me of mine when she asked me

to help her move back here and I said No Way. It came tumbling right out of

my mouth before I could even censor it!

I know it sounded mean but still I am glad I said it because If she lived

here she would just drive me even more nuts then she does from a distance.

I say do whatever you can to keep a distance it is the only way to keep your

sanity when dealing with a BPD parent.

Tracey

November 8, 2012

C, good for you for choosing not to subject yourself to a ride from hell!