Re: Difficulty accepting non-BPD parentís complicity

[Guest guest]

I want to take a moment to share that it also helped me to validate my anger

towards my dad.

My dad is smart, peaceable and kind. It was hard to be feel it was OK to be

angry for him for not intervening more actively on my behalf. Eventually I did

feel that anger.

But it did not help me to stay too attached to it. I would still be resentful

towards him if I had.

I won't excuse my dad completely when I share that today, I accept what he WAS

able to do for me. Fact is, there was no help for him and my nada, because they

both were of the generation that did not seek help for mental health issues,

unless there was a crisis.

In my family, thank God, there was a crisis, and my nada was hospitalized. My

father made sure of this. Though ist affected trust at the basic level, between

my parents.

Our time together while my mom was in hospitall changed my life. I can reckon

back to it with some real clear memories of safety. I experienced directly how

shy and how caring my dad was/is, and remember his efforts to make sure I was

fed, and I was fussy kid. He also picked a person to care for me, that let me

be, and recover from the trauma. He an my mom also made sure I saw psychiatrists

too, after mom came home. I suspect, too, that my dad participated with my mom

*and likely the professions* to make sure my mom did not pretend nothing had

happened.

My mom recovered fully and always said her psychiatric illness was a reaction to

a miscarriage. I believe her. Though my interpretation is different. I think it

also unveiled her personality disorder, so that it could no longer be ingnored.

Because my mom was so high functioning, and had a way with words (even though

she is not a born American)... and my dad is shy, I think my dad knew he could

never get custody of me. He made the decision to stay the course as a dad, by

staying with his wife too. Men did not get custody at the time. My dad is also

compassionate with my mom. Did I say he is smart? Many of ways he handles nada

can be criticized, but bottom is, when a boundary needs to be set, he takes

action. She listens to him.

I am grateful my dad stood by us. I wish he had not been a couch potato so much

of the time, and that he had not done nada's will on several occasions, when it

harmed me. One in particular stands out in my mind. I have to say, he did not

look like he wanted to do what she asked him to do. I can still mad be at him

for that.

He hit me only three times that I remember, and did not use emotionally damaging

words often at all.

I chose to see his not acting on my behalf as HIS problem. I've spent time with

him as an adult, I talked with him on the phone for hours a couple of decades

ago and can see things from his point of view. I really feel he did the best he

could.

There was a time that I went through training at our church, about what to do

when a child reports abuse.

I learned the first thing you do is let the child know you believe them. Then,

of course, you take action and report it.

As an adult, I asked my dad why he allowed things to go as they had and had not

intervened. He said, " I thought it would help you grow up stronger. " I was mad

at that statement for a few YEARS! But then, I looked at it again. My dad does

not have my personality. I would speak up. I have the gift of voice. Something

feels wrong and I say something, not caring where the chips may fall.

But my dad, believed in living with his fate, and I think he knew that arguing

would only make an ugly household. My nada does not know how to do arguments

without going right for the person's vitals. My dad is not that kind of arguer.

I get that now, because I picked a man who also won't argue.

I'll share one more bit I learned to accept. Fifteen years ago, I finally

turned to my dad, when my mom was in the room with us. Dad was sitting in his

armchair, wishing he were not there, but I had kind of forced the situation

between my nada and I to happen in front of him. I'd gotten into one of those

arguments with nada, that I knew my dad avoided like the plague, I turned to

my dad, in frustration and pain, and said something like that this would never

change, it had been like this from the time I was little and lived under their

roof. I looked at my dad, and I knew he was listening. I so wanted him to

intervene and to validate my pain.

I looked at him and said, " Dad, I cried myself to sleep in this house almost

every night as a little girl. "

He looked right at me, and said, " I believe you. " My dad does not lie. I wanted

more, of course.

But I knew nada would not even like that acknowledgment. I waited for him to say

more, and when he did not, I left the room.

Today, I know that is exactly what you tell a person who tells you of abuse you

may not have witnessed.

Today I also know that my dad was NOT present for at least half the abuse I

experienced from my mom.

Today, I put my mom on speaker phone so I can witness to my mom's words better.

I know my father wanted me to succeed in the world, and his greatest fear was

that if he fought back with nada, things would escalate and make our home

environment worse.

I too am a peacemaker. I had to learn to use my voice to speak for what was

right. My father did his best to create an environment where I could learn to

fight back with my God given gift, my words.

One thing my father never did was try to talk me out of my point of view. THAT

speaks volumes. I know that though my father rarely spoke up in a

confrontational way to my mom, on my behalf, his silence and witness to what my

mom did do, helped me to keep moving forward in the direction of what was RIGHT

and HONEST.

One thing I learned from pressing my ear to the floor and hearing the mistruths

nada spoke to my dad about me, in the room below my bedroom was that I was being

misperceived by her, CONSTANTLY. I heard myself described as if I were in a

distorted mirror. I survived this.

My dad would say almost nothing. But what I remember most is his repeatedly

teling my mom to relax, and to let " Vic " be. Dad always referred to me as Vic.

Not Vicki. That too, spoke volumes.

I sensed he validated the man side of my nature that set boundaries with people.

My dad always had a great sense of humor, that was gentle and playful.

Understated and sometimes silly. We loved being awake when my mom was sleeping

in. Privately, he referred to my mom as mama-pajama. Not mean at all.

And then later when it was my younger bro at home, bro voiced up in more

provocative ways than I did and my dad kept his support to himself again. My mom

hid her abuse of my bro even more from my dad, which my brother finally came

face to face with as a middle-schooler. My dad and bro were always happy to

have me come home and visit, too.

Bro had a great sense of humor and unlike my dad, he did redden in embarassment

at his own joke. Bro could keep a poker face. One day there was a light fixture

on the ceiling that had broken. Bro asked nada, " Did you break that by hitting

it with your head? " Nada said the equivalalent of WTH? And said, " How could I

at 5'5 " inches hit that with my head? What are you talking about? " Bro said,

straight-faced. " You could if you were sitting on your high horse! " Nada

sputtered and when bro looked at dad, he saw dad fight his own laughter.

It was a confirming moment for my brother. Was it that my dad did not have the

courage to speak up, or that he knew he could not do it alone?

One day I would like to have a conversation with him about that.

Please realize I don't condone my dad's lack of action on our behalf. I think

he was clueless and was initially very happy to have a wife at all, and I know

it tickled him to have his kids. I just don't think he knew what to do about the

situation, so he decided the best he could do for us was provide a good income,

strive for advancements at work, and just hope that his steady presence and

reliability and hard work would give us enough to grow up strong and resilient.

I feel compassion for my dad. I know had I been him with my personality, I would

have probably gone crazy instead of staying sane and stable in a crazy-making

environment.

Just my two cents worth, I have thought long about this, and I realize that when

I forgive myself for not doing more for my brother (I had to leave home at 18

and I told my bro that I was sorry I could not stay and buffet him any

longer)..... that I can also forgive my dad...

Best,

[Guest guest]

Thank you so much for sharing your experience. There's a lot here I'd like to

respond to when I have more time, but I can see that you have a lot of

compassion for your father and the position he was in. I'm struggling with both

anger and an understanding that he might've feared (as your father seemed to?)

that if he took too much of a stand, he risked losing me and being even less

able to protect me.

I had a rather emotional conversation with my father while I was on my way out

of the house this morning. I told him how alienated I feel because of my

mother's disproportionate rage against me -- I avoid being home very much, and

feel tense when I am. I can tell my father is defending her, and I can sense

that I want to lay all my resentment about/against him and his role in this,

bare. I don't think I ever have. We've agreed to meet up (outside of the house)

to talk about all this, probably tomorrow. I'm going to try to have compassion

for his position, but I'm wary that he'll continue to accuse me of being

stubborn.

Thank you for sharing, again. It makes me feel less crazy.

[Guest guest]

Helen, I think if you can do active listening, without reacting, you may learn a

lot.

I think there is a way to communicate your anger (and validate yourself) that

will have your father listen to you.

Tell him where you feel your reactions in your body. That does not mean saying

that what he has to say makes you feel sick. It means, saying, I can feel my

stomach clench when you say that, because I fear X.

Try not to make global statements of the truth. Watch use of words like always,

never... and accusatory sentences, for he WILL naturally react to defend

himself.

Watch the use of you messages, only use them when you want to share how

something affects your emotions. But don't blame him for your emotions.

There is a paradox, when you speak of of your own experience personally,

revealing how things are in your body, sometimes the person you are most

frustrated with, will hear you and thank you for your honesty. This is tricky

stuff.

Of course you will make mistakes and so will he. If you catch yourself

mishearing him or vis versa, you can always start anew and say, " Do I understand

you to say......? " And set the example for open-hearted discussion.

Keep your expectations low or non existent. But don't give up hope.

No matter how your convesation goes, you are going to learn something new, about

yourself, your hurts, your defenses.

Good luck....