Re: Difficulty accepting non-BPD parent�s complicity

[Guest guest]

Hello,

Quite a bit of what you wrote resonated with me. My fada is a very

high-functioning BPD, so most people didn't realize that there was even a

problem. But his anger was completely unpredictable, and now, like you, I feel

like I have to be super vigilant to be " perfect " or else the world will come

crashing down around me.

As far as my mom ... she also enabled my fada for years. Only recently has she

started seeing a therapist, and actually moved out for a period of time. What

prompted that more than anything, I think, was my conversations with her.

I didn't talk to her about how awful my fada is, or tell her what she needed to

do. Instead, I talked to her about what normal, loving relationships are.

After a long period of time (4-5 years) of conversations about what a good

relationship actually is, she started wondering why her relationship with my

fada wasn't normal. As she started asking questions like that, my fada started

" acting up " , making the situation worse. Finally, it reached the breaking

point, and my mom moved out and went to a counselor, who pointed her towards

reading up on BPD.

It is so tempting to get upset and criticize the non-BPD parent for not standing

up for us; and to an extent, that is a very just response. How could they not

see what our BPD parent was doing to us? But at the same time, they're victims

too, and are not viewing the situation in a clear-headed manner. They're so

wrapped up in the BPD's world, that it seems normal. We've escaped. They

haven't.

Am I upset with my mom for not stepping in? Yes. But for me, I'm willing to

try to forgive her in the hopes of her seeing that life doesn't have to be like

that. That's not an option for many people. Basically it comes down to you,

and what you can handle, and what you can live with.

>

> I'm the adult daughter of a mother who I believe has BPD. For years, it seemed

like she was normal and sweet and compassionate maybe 90% of the time. But her

rages made me feel emotionally unsafe, and contributed to generalized anxiety

that I still deal with at work and in intimate relationships. (Since it was

impossible to predict what would trigger my mother's anger, I became and remain

hypervigilant and constantly worried about letting down supervisors, screwing up

projects, etc. In most areas of my life, I realize I believe on a gut level that

if I make an honest mistake, I will have emotional hell to pay.)

>

> During my mother's rages, she alternates between being aggressively mean and

loud, and giving the silent treatment. These episodes can last for several days.

She says hateful things that she doesn't apologize for; she becomes vindictive;

she makes a very focused effort to punish the target of her anger. She reverts

to a victim/martyr mentality.

>

> It was only recently I suspected she might have BPD, and reading `Surviving

the Borderline Parent' has been extremely helpful.

> But while I process this, I find myself resenting my father's role in all of

this. My parents are still married, and growing up, my father was around just as

much as my mother was. I know that my mother's anger responses have always been

this way, so for several years before I was born, my father was dealing with

these horrific episodes. I was subjected to this kind of cruel treatment at a

very young age � I remember it happening when I was three or four, and

continuing all through my childhood.

>

> My father himself had a very fearful childhood and grew up in an abusive home.

He believes he developed PTSD from watching his father beat the other kids. As a

result, my father vowed he would be a loving, compassionate father � and he

is. He's accessible. But I never remember him interceding when my mother was

emotionally abusive to me.

> I remember feeling like an awful child, getting yelled at for tiny

infractions, and sobbing alone in my room. Sometimes I would become physically

ill when my mother yelled at me. I truly believed that this was how all children

had it. My father (perhaps not wanting to be the target of my mother's wrath)

would act as a sort of go-between, but wasn't terribly sympathetic � he'd

often seem cold, too. Sometimes he would even say " You screwed up. "

>

> It wasn't until I was about 12 that my father explained to me a bit more about

how my mother was � how she lost control of herself when she was angry and

said things she didn't mean. How I couldn't take it too personally. How I was a

good kid.

>

> I resent him for not saying this to me much, much earlier. I resent him for

not protecting me more from my mother's damaging behavior.

> Due to financial issues, I've temporarily moved in with my parents again. My

mother's BPD (as I believe it to be) seems worse. My father and I have been

going through hell � she expects us to fulfill all her social needs, so it's

easy to let her down.

>

> I work hard and am planning to move out soon, so I've been distancing myself

from this awful situation. I avoid seeing my mother when she's " having an

episode. " But I'll often get emails from my father giving me advice about how to

" handle " my mother � emails that basically instruct me to appease her

manipulative behavior. When she attempts to punish me for some imagined wrong,

he'll tell me to give in to it. Because she feels abandoned, he thinks I should

make an effort to be home more. I've explained to him how it still takes a toll

on my physical health to be in this constant state of tension when she's like

this; he argues that I can't " resolve " things with my mother if I'm not around.

>

> It's amazing to me that he thinks this way. He knows exactly what it's like to

be on the receiving end of this kind of treatment, and he knows her responses

are never rational.

>

> I believe that at some point, he made the decision to stay with her and

because of that, acts in survival mode. That means not standing up for himself

or me, and I know he will never tell her to seek professional help.

>

> He and I have had a few emotional conversations about this situation in the

past couple weeks. I've been able to tell him honestly how my mother's behavior

has made me a fearful adult. What I haven't been able to say is how disappointed

I am that he didn't do more to help me, or at least comfort me, when I was too

young to know what was going on.

>

> Even now, it's not that I need him to protect me � I just want to know that

my sense of self-worth, and my dignity, is worth something to him.

>

> I feel like my father's reality and my own are diverging: I can see my

mother's mental illness and would like for her to get help but, short of that, I

would like me and my father to stand up for ourselves and stop appeasing this

destructive behavior. My father, however, sees this as his lot. He doesn't think

she'll ever change.

> As I prepare to leave home again, I am seriously considering the more

stringent boundaries I'll have to establish with my mother. I don't think my

father realizes how much I need to distance myself from our little family.

>

> So I have a couple of questions:

>

> 1) How do you deal with a complicit (even enabling) parent?

>

> 2) Should I tell my father what I believe, that my mother likely suffers from

BPD?

> Thank you.

>