Thinking of leaving my BP mom

[Guest guest]

My mother has BP traits. I am so hurt by

what she says that I am at a point of thinking of cutting all ties. I don’t

know how to handle her any more. Maybe some people in this group had similar

experience and have some tips?

 

First of all, we live in different

countries. Despite that, she manages to drive me nuts and hurt me by e-mails,

phone, skype, etc. To sum up the most recent episodes, my mother tried to kill

herself after a large amount of money was stolen from her. She tried to

manipulate me when she did this, and it was also very close to the time of my

wedding. Naturally, I called the ambulance (from overseas mind you), and had

her ex boyfriend come and visit her to check on her. Since she didn’t open

the door when

the ambulance came, they broke the door to come in and check that she was alive.

I don't blame the ambulance, but my mother blamed me for the broken

door and demanded that I pay for the repair. I refused.

After that, she kept threatening that she

will not come to my wedding. I read up about BPD and tried to handle the

situation with a lot of thought and she ended up coming. It wasn’t as bad as

expected while they were visiting for the wedding. But

then she decided to create more problems for me. My teenage brother needed a

cell

phone, and since he wanted an iPhone and it’s expensive where they live, they

tried

to get it by us. It didn’t work out. After they left, mom continued to push me

to look for a used iPhone for my brother, despite my telling her that I was

very busy having been recently married and just had moved, etc.. She kept

pushing and blaming me saying my brother was going nuts without a working

phone, and that it was my responsibility to find it for him. No matter how many

times I told her that it was him that needed the phone and that he

should be the one looking, she kept pushing me. Never mind the fact that once I

find a phone, I would have to find a person to take it to him because she

didn’t

want me to just mail it. I almost bought a phone for him, but it fell through.

So mom blamed me for that again, and making it into a much larger issue like

“you

don’t want to admit your mistakes. This is your pattern. This is why you

don’t do well with your

bosses. This is why you don’t have good recommendations, etc.†My brother

didn’t

want to admit it was his responsibility either.

Then we had a hurricane. I made sure to let

mom know that we might loose power and e-mailed her every so often to let her

know we were ok even though it was tough. We were

out of power, heat, and hot water for 1 week, going from one place to another

trying to manage the situation like refugees. We finally got the power back and

I spoke with mom on skype. First 5 minutes she was sweet and tried to feel bad

for me. Then

my brother came by and refused to speak to me on skype, and she tried to talk

him into feeling bad for me and talking to me. It didn’t work. So she decided

she should blame me again for the fact that I didn’t get a phone for him, and

that I didn’t want to take responsibility, and that I was manipulative.

Once I heard that, I couldn’t take it anymore.

I told her I could not believe what she was telling me after I just suffered

through a hurricane, living without a working refrigerator, no power, no heat,

no hot water for a whole week and stood in line for gas for 5 hours. I was like

a refugee for a whole week. I hung up the phone and wrote her and my brother

long e-mails explaining all of that, and that even though I was mad at them for

stuff, I thought that family was about forgiving each other and accepting the

good and the bad. I wrote them that I felt like I was losing my family because

they

were not being supportive or sympathetic after what I went through with my

husband as newlyweds.

I don’t know what to do at this point. Mom

wrote me back, but it was so ridiculous I don’t think I am even going to reply

to it…. HELP!!!!

[Guest guest]

Hello Buba,

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with all this - especially after coming

through Sandy! (*Prayers sent your way as you get back on your feet after the

storm!) And congratulations on getting married!

It's frustrating, annoying, heartbreaking, and downright painful when we are

trying our best to make our BPD parent happy (or at least have a normal

relationship with them), and we can't. That's not because of us - it's because

of them. Probably one of the most difficult and most freeing realization we

need to understand is that they are responsible for their own actions and

feelings. Not us.

I hope that you are able to (or have been to) see a counselor about all this,

preferably one with some experience with BPD. To me is sounds like you need

someone who is in your court, who you can vent to and help you sort everything

out; someone who can help you make a plan on how to deal with your nada.

Some people do go no contact (NC) or low contact (LC) with their BPD parent. I

think most do to some extent just as they begin setting boundaries - for

instance one phone call a week or something. It's something that we need to do

sometimes to get our own heads on straight; for our own sanity.

Personally, I think that right now, where you are in life (newly married, just

through a natural disaster), you need to be focusing on you and your marriage -

you don't need any more stress. Maybe you can find a therapist, talk to your

husband, and see about putting boundaries and guidelines on your interactions

with your nada.

I hope this helps!

-Nicolle

>

> My mother has BP traits. I am so hurt by

> what she says that I am at a point of thinking of cutting all ties. I don’t

> know how to handle her any more. Maybe some people in this group had similar

> experience and have some tips?

>  

> First of all, we live in different

> countries. Despite that, she manages to drive me nuts and hurt me by e-mails,

> phone, skype, etc. To sum up the most recent episodes, my mother tried to kill

> herself after a large amount of money was stolen from her. She tried to

> manipulate me when she did this, and it was also very close to the time of my

> wedding. Naturally, I called the ambulance (from overseas mind you), and had

> her ex boyfriend come and visit her to check on her. Since she didn’t open

the door when

> the ambulance came, they broke the door to come in and check that she was

alive. I don't blame the ambulance, but my mother blamed me for the broken

> door and demanded that I pay for the repair. I refused.

> After that, she kept threatening that she

> will not come to my wedding. I read up about BPD and tried to handle the

> situation with a lot of thought and she ended up coming. It wasn’t as bad as

> expected while they were visiting for the wedding. But

> then she decided to create more problems for me. My teenage brother needed a

cell

> phone, and since he wanted an iPhone and it’s expensive where they live,

they tried

> to get it by us. It didn’t work out. After they left, mom continued to push

me

> to look for a used iPhone for my brother, despite my telling her that I was

> very busy having been recently married and just had moved, etc.. She kept

> pushing and blaming me saying my brother was going nuts without a working

> phone, and that it was my responsibility to find it for him. No matter how

many

> times I told her that it was him that needed the phone and that he

> should be the one looking, she kept pushing me. Never mind the fact that once

I

> find a phone, I would have to find a person to take it to him because she

didn’t

> want me to just mail it. I almost bought a phone for him, but it fell through.

> So mom blamed me for that again, and making it into a much larger issue like

“you

> don’t want to admit your mistakes. This is your pattern. This is why you

don’t do well with your

> bosses. This is why you don’t have good recommendations, etc.†My brother

didn’t

> want to admit it was his responsibility either.

> Then we had a hurricane. I made sure to let

> mom know that we might loose power and e-mailed her every so often to let her

> know we were ok even though it was tough. We were

> out of power, heat, and hot water for 1 week, going from one place to another

> trying to manage the situation like refugees. We finally got the power back

and

> I spoke with mom on skype. First 5 minutes she was sweet and tried to feel bad

for me. Then

> my brother came by and refused to speak to me on skype, and she tried to talk

> him into feeling bad for me and talking to me. It didn’t work. So she

decided

> she should blame me again for the fact that I didn’t get a phone for him,

and

> that I didn’t want to take responsibility, and that I was manipulative.

> Once I heard that, I couldn’t take it anymore.

> I told her I could not believe what she was telling me after I just suffered

> through a hurricane, living without a working refrigerator, no power, no heat,

> no hot water for a whole week and stood in line for gas for 5 hours. I was

like

> a refugee for a whole week. I hung up the phone and wrote her and my brother

> long e-mails explaining all of that, and that even though I was mad at them

for

> stuff, I thought that family was about forgiving each other and accepting the

> good and the bad. I wrote them that I felt like I was losing my family because

they

> were not being supportive or sympathetic after what I went through with my

> husband as newlyweds.

> I don’t know what to do at this point. Mom

> wrote me back, but it was so ridiculous I don’t think I am even going to

reply

> to it…. HELP!!!!

>

>

[Guest guest]

In my opinion, it's time for you to try going " No-Contact. " I know it's

hard and there will be mixed feelings, but trust me, as soon as you

ignore/delete all attempts of communication from her, you will notice in

just one week, you feel as if you have been finally set free from a cage in

a basement she has kept you in her whole life. Take it from there. One day

at a time. YOU DESERVE TO HAVE PEACE OF MIND!

[Guest guest]

I tried to go without contact recently but the difficulty I kept having was this

guilty feeling that I am " leaving " my family. Although I feel like mom has

abandoned me, and only wants to criticise me and make me feel like crap,

embarass me, and use me for whatever it is that she needs, there are times when

she can be good. And after all, she is my mother. My therapist tells me that

even a broken clock tells the right time twice a day. So I keep waiting for

those two times when she is there for me and kind and caring. I keep hoping that

if I explain how I feel and how her actions and words are hurtful, she will

eventually undersand and stop doing what she is doing, but about 80% of the time

she does not act like a mother that one would want. No matter what explanation I

give her about my feelings, she turns it all around and makes it my fault. If I

tell her that she is not acting like a mother (i.e. not showing that she cares

about me during a hurricane or saying hurtful things), she says " you have a

particular idea of what a mother should be like and you have a problem with me

because I don't fit that stereotype. That's your problem. "

I was so hurt and tired of trying to explain myself that I finally ended up

replying with one liners that my therapist tought me like " I am not interested

in discussing that with you because it will hurt both of us. I love you. Take

care. " or " I am sure you can figure out how to deal with it. I am very busy now.

Will talk later. "

I even told her that I don't feel like she is family and that I will not be

sharing with her when I get pregnant and that I am concerned about exposing my

kids to her.

She seemed to be very hurt by that, but what can I do? Seeing pictures of her

and my brother who lives with her has been painful and I even put the pictures

away and told her about it. Maybe I shouldn't have told her about it...

>

> In my opinion, it's time for you to try going " No-Contact. " I know it's

> hard and there will be mixed feelings, but trust me, as soon as you

> ignore/delete all attempts of communication from her, you will notice in

> just one week, you feel as if you have been finally set free from a cage in

> a basement she has kept you in her whole life. Take it from there. One day

> at a time. YOU DESERVE TO HAVE PEACE OF MIND!

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

It's not going to get better. I'd leave. Sorry you're going through this.

It'

> **

>

>

>

>

> I tried to go without contact recently but the difficulty I kept having

> was this guilty feeling that I am " leaving " my family. Although I feel like

> mom has abandoned me, and only wants to criticise me and make me feel like

> crap, embarass me, and use me for whatever it is that she needs, there are

> times when she can be good. And after all, she is my mother. My therapist

> tells me that even a broken clock tells the right time twice a day. So I

> keep waiting for those two times when she is there for me and kind and

> caring. I keep hoping that if I explain how I feel and how her actions and

> words are hurtful, she will eventually undersand and stop doing what she is

> doing, but about 80% of the time she does not act like a mother that one

> would want. No matter what explanation I give her about my feelings, she

> turns it all around and makes it my fault. If I tell her that she is not

> acting like a mother (i.e. not showing that she cares about me during a

> hurricane or saying hurtful things), she says " you have a particular idea

> of what a mother should be like and you have a problem with me because I

> don't fit that stereotype. That's your problem. "

> I was so hurt and tired of trying to explain myself that I finally ended

> up replying with one liners that my therapist tought me like " I am not

> interested in discussing that with you because it will hurt both of us. I

> love you. Take care. " or " I am sure you can figure out how to deal with it.

> I am very busy now. Will talk later. "

> I even told her that I don't feel like she is family and that I will not

> be sharing with her when I get pregnant and that I am concerned about

> exposing my kids to her.

> She seemed to be very hurt by that, but what can I do? Seeing pictures of

> her and my brother who lives with her has been painful and I even put the

> pictures away and told her about it. Maybe I shouldn't have told her about

> it...

>

>

> >

> > In my opinion, it's time for you to try going " No-Contact. " I know it's

> > hard and there will be mixed feelings, but trust me, as soon as you

> > ignore/delete all attempts of communication from her, you will notice in

> > just one week, you feel as if you have been finally set free from a cage

> in

> > a basement she has kept you in her whole life. Take it from there. One

> day

> > at a time. YOU DESERVE TO HAVE PEACE OF MIND!

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Sad to say but it probably will not get any better. I have the same " type "

of mother and she always turns everything around and makes it about me and

my fault. No matter what you tell them they won't get it and you will waste

your time trying to explain.

I am now NC and yes I feel guilt about it but I am just taking it one day at

a time. Like you my Nada can be nice at times but it's only when things are

going her way. The minute I assert myself or say no or do something she

doesn't like she will turn on me and become mean and say very hurtful ,

nasty things. You constantly live wondering when the other shoe will drop!

It is incredibly stressful. I don't have that stress right now and it feels

good.

There are no easy answers with BPD. It is about choosing something you can

live with which is usually the best out of a bunch of bad options like NC,

LC or staying involved with a parent who is making you crazy. I tried LC

with my Nada but it didn't work because she can't do anything halfway. So,

once I started talking with her again she wants to talk everyday and I am

back in the mix so for now NC is the only option.

I wish I had more answers for you but keep reading and posting. It will

help you make a decision.

Tracey

[Guest guest]

For me, a more relevant analogy (instead of the clock analogy) is that an

abusive bpd parent is like a cake that *looks* beautiful on the outside; it has

icing decorated with roses and flourishes, and the batter was made with the best

eggs, cream, flour and vanilla, but when you taste the cake it has a weird,

" off " flavor because there is no sugar in it. No sweetener of any kind, not in

the icing and not in the batter. A very key ingredient is missing.

And if your abusive parent also has narcissistic pd or antisocial pd traits,

then the lovely cake probably also has a bit of arsenic added to the recipe.

So it doesn't matter if the cake has good ingredients in it if it lacks sugar

and has poison added; that negates the value of the wholesome ingredients and

makes the cake deadly.

My nada kept me bewildered, upset and trying hard to be a better daughter and to

please her pretty much my whole life. She made the cake look good: she took

care of my body, gave me medical care, good food, nice clothes, while

systematically destroying my sense of self-worth. My own mother basically did

not like me, and only took care of me because she felt that's what a mother is

supposed to do. Trying to reconcile being *told* I was loved while being

subjected to very unloving behaviors such as being publicly shamed, being

accused of bad things I never said or did, being told I was bad, ugly and

repulsive and that nobody would ever love me, and being subjected to raging and

physical abuse by my own mother did a real number on my head.

So, do what feels best to you and is healing for you, whatever that is, without

guilt.

That in my opinion is one of the biggest hurdles that the children of the

mentally ill have to get past is the misplaced and inappropriate guilt we get

saddled with.

Its about you and your need to heal, now.

-Annie

PS: Before I knew about bpd and was still enmeshed with my nada and trying to

please her, whatever I'd share with her about my life would end up either being

distorted (exaggerated or enhanced) when she'd tell friends or relatives about

it or being used against me in some way. (Nada was into comparing my

achievements with those of her friend's children, and my achievements tended to

be not quite good enough. So I learned kind of late to stop sharing anything

close to my heart or that had real meaning to me, with my nada.

>

>

>

> I tried to go without contact recently but the difficulty I kept having was

this guilty feeling that I am " leaving " my family. Although I feel like mom has

abandoned me, and only wants to criticise me and make me feel like crap,

embarass me, and use me for whatever it is that she needs, there are times when

she can be good. And after all, she is my mother. My therapist tells me that

even a broken clock tells the right time twice a day. So I keep waiting for

those two times when she is there for me and kind and caring. I keep hoping that

if I explain how I feel and how her actions and words are hurtful, she will

eventually undersand and stop doing what she is doing, but about 80% of the time

she does not act like a mother that one would want. No matter what explanation I

give her about my feelings, she turns it all around and makes it my fault. If I

tell her that she is not acting like a mother (i.e. not showing that she cares

about me during a hurricane or saying hurtful things), she says " you have a

particular idea of what a mother should be like and you have a problem with me

because I don't fit that stereotype. That's your problem. "

> I was so hurt and tired of trying to explain myself that I finally ended up

replying with one liners that my therapist tought me like " I am not interested

in discussing that with you because it will hurt both of us. I love you. Take

care. " or " I am sure you can figure out how to deal with it. I am very busy now.

Will talk later. "

> I even told her that I don't feel like she is family and that I will not be

sharing with her when I get pregnant and that I am concerned about exposing my

kids to her.

> She seemed to be very hurt by that, but what can I do? Seeing pictures of her

and my brother who lives with her has been painful and I even put the pictures

away and told her about it. Maybe I shouldn't have told her about it...