Mistakes in communicating

[Guest guest]

Yesterday was a really emotionally charged day. I was trying to communicate some

boundaries (the only way I could have a conversation was via text message) with

my nada and I realized that putting it in words probably only made it worse. I

think I needed to do it to stand up for myself finally, but I also realize that

in doing so I basically revealed to her exactly how to push my buttons if she

needs to again. She finally calmed down and apologized a little, but I can

imagine many ways that her tone of voice might have belied insincerity if it

wasn't written communication.

I instantly felt better when she at least seemed to validate my feelings (that

after a day of making threats and berating me), but I know anything I said can

and will be used against me the next time she splits me.

I want to help her, but I have a hard enough time managing my own anger right

now, as I am uncovering the effects of this problem in my own life really for

the first time.

Thanks for listening,

PJ

[Guest guest]

Hello PJ -

I'm so sorry you had a rough day yesterday trying to communicate with your nada.

Something to remember is that even if we could get all the words just exactly

right, they will still mis-understand us - that's part of what makes them BPD.

I know I often struggle with the thought of " if only I had said this " then maybe

I could get through to my fada. But I have to understand that no matter how

clearly or strongly or politely I say something, my fada is going to hear what

he wants to hear. If he wants to get offended and upset, then he will. Nothing

I do or say will change that.

The fact that you're trying to set boundaries at all is wonderful! Don't be

surprised if it gets harder before it gets better - by trying to set boundaries,

your nada will see that she's " losing control " over you, and that will cause her

to fight even more. I hope that you've been able to find a good counselor in

your area - preferably one with experience with BPD and who won't make things

worse.

The whole point of this group is to share our stories and experiences so that we

can remind ourselves that we are not alone, and to validate that BPD and what

happened to us is real - not something that we've imagined in our heads.

-Nicolle

>

> Yesterday was a really emotionally charged day. I was trying to communicate

some boundaries (the only way I could have a conversation was via text message)

with my nada and I realized that putting it in words probably only made it

worse. I think I needed to do it to stand up for myself finally, but I also

realize that in doing so I basically revealed to her exactly how to push my

buttons if she needs to again. She finally calmed down and apologized a little,

but I can imagine many ways that her tone of voice might have belied insincerity

if it wasn't written communication.

>

> I instantly felt better when she at least seemed to validate my feelings (that

after a day of making threats and berating me), but I know anything I said can

and will be used against me the next time she splits me.

>

> I want to help her, but I have a hard enough time managing my own anger right

now, as I am uncovering the effects of this problem in my own life really for

the first time.

>

> Thanks for listening,

> PJ

>

[Guest guest]

I've found, PJ, that what I need to do with my nada is to know my boundaries,

first.

You are learning, in the only way that worked for me, by making mistakes. This

is good. Being a perfectionist (and hard on myself for each failure) got me

nowhere in dealing with my nada.

My nada too, if I tell her what bothers me, later seems to get around to

bothering me exactly where I hurt, as if I put a target on my chest.

I need not to blame myself for this. In a healthy relationship, people CARE

about whether we hurt and they LEARN how to respect our wishes.

This is impossible with nada, unless I am always playing referee. I do not like

playing referee because I find it hard to be kind and do the job. When I am

kind, nada thinks she can score a touchdown. When nada rushes in to hurt me, I

no longer play football. I detach with love (for myself), and to re-evaluate my

boundaries and how I want to improve on caring for myself. I ask myself, what

small thing can I do next time, to change the game?

I see my nada's issues of hurting me as telling me about HER. That she has

problems with boundaries. That she wants complete access to me. That she is high

needs and that hurting me, for her, may be her only way to get access to me.

My job, usually, is to be aware of the boundary violation. To word the

violation in neutral terms, without anger, and without blame and without making

myself vulnerable to further harm.

I am afraid I have chosen to be a lot less personal with her, because it helped

me to see exactly where I end and she begins. We used to get very enmeshed when

I communicated emotional vulnerabilities or told her she had hurt me.

Somehow sharing that gave her permission to start telling me how I hurt HER.

That left me feeling old FOG, while also feeling confused and violated.

In Alanon one person shared that it is not possible to set boundaries while

taking care of someone else. I would qualify that. " It is not possible for me to

set boundaries, and take care of someone who believes I have something they

need. "

First things first in codependency is about taking care of me. Setting

boundaries is for ME, not nada.

Nada is a grown adult and has her own Higher Power. It helps me personally,

that my nada is constitutionally unable to accept my help and input. That meant

I really COULD focus on me, knowing I was the only one committed to healing the

relationship.

Healing the relationship starts with me.

Best,