Chore duties as a child

[Guest guest]

I was just wondering if anyone else shared some of the following experiences as

a child.

I remember, as soon as I was old enough to be capable physically (6 or 7 maybe?)

my nada trying to get us to do chores. I do not resent having been asked, and I

understand that there are appropriate levels of such a thing for each age and I

know she was trying to establish good habits and everything, but it just never

seemed to work out, and I have always carried around a lot of guilt about it.

Like, if I had just done my chores more consistently she wouldn't have gotten so

angry all the time. I know that's pretty irrational, but it's just a big part of

my childhood memories. The house getting progressively messier as we got older

because it got harder and harder for her to enforce her expectations for our

household responsibilities.

Again, I don't remember anything specifically that I would say was unreasonable

to expect of a child, but maybe it was just the way she handled infractions

(especially if dad was there to back her up, she felt outnumbered or

defenseless), and the general inconsistency or just unpredictability of how

severe punishment would be. I also have this sense that she took on way too much

herself, as I remember going with her to clean other people's houses for extra

money. It must have been extremely painful for her to see her house get out of

control even as she was working tirelessly to keep others' houses neat as a pin.

When we didn't step up she tried to do it herself and got overwhelmed, I'm sure.

Now her house and property are so cluttered with a dangerous level of hoarding

that the city is constantly on their backs to clear it.

Tidiness is definitely something that I have struggled with a lot, but I found

recently that getting a little help once in a while goes a long way, and that I

am capable of maintaining good habits, and derive a tremendous amount of peace

from having a clean house, and an overwhelming amount of stress when any part of

it is very disorganized, which parts of it still are. Since I have had my house

professionally cleaned I find that I am almost compulsive about keeping surfaces

clear and clean. Not that there's anything bad about that, but I could see that

getting unhealthy at an extreme. Right now it is just a relief to know that I

don't have to do it all by myself.

[Guest guest]

IIf your nada was anything like mine, I don't think it was

irrational to believe that she wouldn't have been so angry if

you'd only done your chores better. It wouldn't have been true

because if you'd done your chores perfectly she'd just have

found something else to be angry about, but I can totally

understand being led to think that way.

My nada was rather abusive when it came to chores and cleaning

the house. Nada wanted everything perfect and beyond normally

clean. Nada hates cleaning herself but no one else's cleaning

ever satisfied her. I can remember one occasion when I was about

11 when she made me spend half a day repeatedly sweeping the

living room and dining room floors. The broom was getting old

and losing broom straws so every time I swept a few broom straws

would escape and end up on the floor. That meant that the floor

wasn't clean and thus I had to do it over. And over. And over. I

don't remember for sure, but it probably ended when my father

came home from wherever he'd been.

Twenty years later, when my sister was growing up, nada went

around telling everyone that my sister was a bad child and that

she had just one chore but never did it properly. Her " one

chore " was to keep the entire house, except nada's bedroom,

clean, take care of the yard, put out the trash and recycling

each week, and do all her own cooking and laundry. Of course she

couldn't do it right. Nada made messes and there wasn't enough

time in the day for her to go to school and do all the housework

too. She'd go to school in the morning and come home to a

sinkful of nada's dirty dishes then get yelled at for not

keeping the kitchen clean despite the fact that there were no

dishes when she left in the morning.

Now nada has no slave to keep her house clean so she lives in a

mess that makes my mess look good.

At 12:50 PM 11/09/2012 camochild wrote:

>I was just wondering if anyone else shared some of the

>following experiences as a child.

>

>I remember, as soon as I was old enough to be capable

>physically (6 or 7 maybe?) my nada trying to get us to do

>chores. I do not resent having been asked, and I understand

>that there are appropriate levels of such a thing for each age

>and I know she was trying to establish good habits and

>everything, but it just never seemed to work out, and I have

>always carried around a lot of guilt about it. Like, if I had

>just done my chores more consistently she wouldn't have gotten

>so angry all the time. I know that's pretty irrational, but

>it's just a big part of my childhood memories. The house

>getting progressively messier as we got older because it got

>harder and harder for her to enforce her expectations for our

>household responsibilities.

>

>Again, I don't remember anything specifically that I would say

>was unreasonable to expect of a child, but maybe it was just

>the way she handled infractions (especially if dad was there to

>back her up, she felt outnumbered or defenseless), and the

>general inconsistency or just unpredictability of how severe

>punishment would be. I also have this sense that she took on

>way too much herself, as I remember going with her to clean

>other people's houses for extra money. It must have been

>extremely painful for her to see her house get out of control

>even as she was working tirelessly to keep others' houses neat

>as a pin. When we didn't step up she tried to do it herself and

>got overwhelmed, I'm sure. Now her house and property are so

>cluttered with a dangerous level of hoarding that the city is

>constantly on their backs to clear it.

>

>Tidiness is definitely something that I have struggled with a

>lot, but I found recently that getting a little help once in a

>while goes a long way, and that I am capable of maintaining

>good habits, and derive a tremendous amount of peace from

>having a clean house, and an overwhelming amount of stress when

>any part of it is very disorganized, which parts of it still

>are. Since I have had my house professionally cleaned I find

>that I am almost compulsive about keeping surfaces clear and

>clean. Not that there's anything bad about that, but I could

>see that getting unhealthy at an extreme. Right now it is just

>a relief to know that I don't have to do it all by myself.

>

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

I have never been able to clean to nada's standards. As an adult she used to

often ask me to housesit. I would stress and scrub and leave the place looking

like the Ritz and she would always come home and complain how I'd done this or

that wrong. This was a regular thing. Disgusted at myself that I didn't see

earlier what a trap this housesitting thing was....

But I can really relate to the last paragraph you wrote and feel like I live the

exact same way. It's almost as if I keep some parts of my house unorganized, as

if to say, Ha! Nada! In your face!

>

> I was just wondering if anyone else shared some of the following experiences

as a child.

>

> I remember, as soon as I was old enough to be capable physically (6 or 7

maybe?) my nada trying to get us to do chores. I do not resent having been

asked, and I understand that there are appropriate levels of such a thing for

each age and I know she was trying to establish good habits and everything, but

it just never seemed to work out, and I have always carried around a lot of

guilt about it. Like, if I had just done my chores more consistently she

wouldn't have gotten so angry all the time. I know that's pretty irrational, but

it's just a big part of my childhood memories. The house getting progressively

messier as we got older because it got harder and harder for her to enforce her

expectations for our household responsibilities.

>

> Again, I don't remember anything specifically that I would say was

unreasonable to expect of a child, but maybe it was just the way she handled

infractions (especially if dad was there to back her up, she felt outnumbered or

defenseless), and the general inconsistency or just unpredictability of how

severe punishment would be. I also have this sense that she took on way too much

herself, as I remember going with her to clean other people's houses for extra

money. It must have been extremely painful for her to see her house get out of

control even as she was working tirelessly to keep others' houses neat as a pin.

When we didn't step up she tried to do it herself and got overwhelmed, I'm sure.

Now her house and property are so cluttered with a dangerous level of hoarding

that the city is constantly on their backs to clear it.

>

> Tidiness is definitely something that I have struggled with a lot, but I found

recently that getting a little help once in a while goes a long way, and that I

am capable of maintaining good habits, and derive a tremendous amount of peace

from having a clean house, and an overwhelming amount of stress when any part of

it is very disorganized, which parts of it still are. Since I have had my house

professionally cleaned I find that I am almost compulsive about keeping surfaces

clear and clean. Not that there's anything bad about that, but I could see that

getting unhealthy at an extreme. Right now it is just a relief to know that I

don't have to do it all by myself.

>

[Guest guest]

So much of this rings true for me. I have only discovered and processed that my

mom has BPD last month, I'm 39. She was diagnosed with bipolar but she was

manipulating her therapist and then refused to see anyone after that. My cousin

worked it out and told my sister and I but mom doesn't know.

I remember having to do the tub over and over until it was just right. To this

day, I hate cleaning tubs and showers. When I was a teenager if I worked on a

Friday night and then went out with friends and came home late, on Sat. morning,

she would start vacuuming and slamming things around until I woke up and then

handed me a list of chores that had to be done immediately. It was like she was

jealous that I had fun and was being vindictive. A few years ago, she joked to

her friend in front of me that she made me empty, clean and reorganize all the

kitchen cupboards as a punishment (I blocked this out). Her friend looked at

her and exclaimed, " Mommy Dearest! " I watched that movie with her at some point

(I think too young) and it was always an ongoing joke... I think I must have

used it to keep her in check. I don't remember anything about that movie except

the wire hanger scene. It makes me wonder what else I chose to forget growing

up.

> >I was just wondering if anyone else shared some of the

> >following experiences as a child.

> >

> >I remember, as soon as I was old enough to be capable

> >physically (6 or 7 maybe?) my nada trying to get us to do

> >chores. I do not resent having been asked, and I understand

> >that there are appropriate levels of such a thing for each age

> >and I know she was trying to establish good habits and

> >everything, but it just never seemed to work out, and I have

> >always carried around a lot of guilt about it. Like, if I had

> >just done my chores more consistently she wouldn't have gotten

> >so angry all the time. I know that's pretty irrational, but

> >it's just a big part of my childhood memories. The house

> >getting progressively messier as we got older because it got

> >harder and harder for her to enforce her expectations for our

> >household responsibilities.

> >

> >Again, I don't remember anything specifically that I would say

> >was unreasonable to expect of a child, but maybe it was just

> >the way she handled infractions (especially if dad was there to

> >back her up, she felt outnumbered or defenseless), and the

> >general inconsistency or just unpredictability of how severe

> >punishment would be. I also have this sense that she took on

> >way too much herself, as I remember going with her to clean

> >other people's houses for extra money. It must have been

> >extremely painful for her to see her house get out of control

> >even as she was working tirelessly to keep others' houses neat

> >as a pin. When we didn't step up she tried to do it herself and

> >got overwhelmed, I'm sure. Now her house and property are so

> >cluttered with a dangerous level of hoarding that the city is

> >constantly on their backs to clear it.

> >

> >Tidiness is definitely something that I have struggled with a

> >lot, but I found recently that getting a little help once in a

> >while goes a long way, and that I am capable of maintaining

> >good habits, and derive a tremendous amount of peace from

> >having a clean house, and an overwhelming amount of stress when

> >any part of it is very disorganized, which parts of it still

> >are. Since I have had my house professionally cleaned I find

> >that I am almost compulsive about keeping surfaces clear and

> >clean. Not that there's anything bad about that, but I could

> >see that getting unhealthy at an extreme. Right now it is just

> >a relief to know that I don't have to do it all by myself.

> >

>

> --

> Katrina

>