No One Believes Me...But My Dad Took the Book Anyway...

November 9, 2012

Since I was recently formally disowned by my family, you can imagine my surprise

to see my father in my driveway yesterday. He was bringing boxes of my stuff

that had been at their house. I gave him back his house key. The whole thing

struck me as incredibly bizarre. I mean, this man is my father, and here he is

showing up like an ex-boyfriend to deliver my stuff. He proceeded to come into

my house and start the riot act about how this was all really my fault and how

disappointed he was that it's come to this and how he believed that this

decision truly was mine even though it was very clearly my mother who ended

things. He went on and on about how no-one close to our family saw the monster

I claim my mother to be. I explained to him that just because no one else

witnessed anything doesn't mean it isn't happening. I told him that me, my

siblings, and he have all had different experiences with her, and that there was

an explanation for that. He told me my mother spends her days crying and that

she doesn't understand why I'm doing this to her. (Classic histrionic nada

crap....No one will ever convince me that on some level she isn't enjoying

telling her sob story and the extra attention it's giving her....) I sat there

and listened for a few minutes while he continued " calling my bullshit " . Then I

just couldn't take it anymore. I abruptly told him basically that he had no

idea what he was talking about. And I left the room and came back with Randi

Kreger's Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder. I explained

to him that I believed this to be the issue with my mom and that I also

suspected she also had narcissistic and histrionic tendencies as well and at his

request briefly explained the differences and gave him titles of two more books.

I told him that if he was serious about entertaining what I had suggested that

the book I gave him was not the best one, but it was the only one I was willing

to part with, and suggested he find SWOE. He said he would read, " out of

respect " for me. I know I blew his mind. And I'm not incredibly optimistic he

will read, etc....Or that this will change anything. I've been optimistic about

conversations with him before only to be disappointed later after he talked to

my mother.

I was in a pretty good place emotionally before yesterday. My counselor is

excellent and had prepared my for what she called the " inevitable " disowning.

She's predicted my nada's behavior with frightening accuracy. And she doesn't

believe she will be able to fully commit to this permanent no contact. Lord, I

hope she's wrong.... But for now, I just feel numb.

November 9, 2012

I hope your father does read the book and sees some of the truth

through reading it. My impression is that most long-time spouses

of people with BPD tend to buy into the BPD false reality and

don't choose to escape from it for various reasons of their own,

but maybe your father will turn out to be an exception and learn

something that changes his attitude. My father saw the light

when I was 16 and kicked my nada out.

At 02:59 PM 11/09/2012 thenogoodchild wrote:

>Since I was recently formally disowned by my family, you can

>imagine my surprise to see my father in my driveway

>yesterday. He was bringing boxes of my stuff that had been at

>their house. I gave him back his house key. The whole thing

>struck me as incredibly bizarre. I mean, this man is my

>father, and here he is showing up like an ex-boyfriend to

>deliver my stuff. He proceeded to come into my house and start

>the riot act about how this was all really my fault and how

>disappointed he was that it's come to this and how he believed

>that this decision truly was mine even though it was very

>clearly my mother who ended things. He went on and on about

>how no-one close to our family saw the monster I claim my

>mother to be. I explained to him that just because no one else

>witnessed anything doesn't mean it isn't happening. I told him

>that me, my siblings, and he have all had different experiences

>with her, and that there was an explanation for that. He told

>me my mother spends her days crying and that she doesn't

>understand why I'm doing this to her. (Classic histrionic nada

>crap....No one will ever convince me that on some level she

>isn't enjoying telling her sob story and the extra attention

>it's giving her....) I sat there and listened for a few

>minutes while he continued " calling my bullshit " . Then I just

>couldn't take it anymore. I abruptly told him basically that

>he had no idea what he was talking about. And I left the room

>and came back with Randi Kreger's Essential Family Guide to

>Borderline Personality Disorder. I explained to him that I

>believed this to be the issue with my mom and that I also

>suspected she also had narcissistic and histrionic tendencies

>as well and at his request briefly explained the differences

>and gave him titles of two more books. I told him that if he

>was serious about entertaining what I had suggested that the

>book I gave him was not the best one, but it was the only one I

>was willing to part with, and suggested he find SWOE. He said

>he would read, " out of respect " for me. I know I blew his

>mind. And I'm not incredibly optimistic he will read,

>etc....Or that this will change anything. I've been optimistic

>about conversations with him before only to be disappointed

>later after he talked to my mother.

>

>I was in a pretty good place emotionally before yesterday. My

>counselor is excellent and had prepared my for what she called

>the " inevitable " disowning. She's predicted my nada's behavior

>with frightening accuracy. And she doesn't believe she will be

>able to fully commit to this permanent no contact. Lord, I

>hope she's wrong.... But for now, I just feel numb.

>

--

Katrina

November 9, 2012

I think I can identify with the feeling numb, at times. I am still communicating

with my nada but I had to severely depersonalize it and it is sad for me. I used

to think of her as my best friend and I've realized I used her as substitute for

real friends because she used to push my friends away (by freaking out in front

of them and screaming at me for dyeing my hair, or cutting my hair, or coming

home late, or coming home early with a guest without calling ahead, or for just

being myself in some way) until I learned not to get close to anyone else. I

realize the codependency was as much my fault as hers, and that kills me too.

That by continuing it for so long I have really not given her the incentive to

move on. Not that she necessarily would have, but I've enabled her by letting

her depend on me, thinking I was doing something oh so heroic and kind.

So I've ended up feeling pretty lost, and on the edge of sanity sometimes.

That's the burden of the all-good (or at least mostly-compliant) child coming

out of the enmeshment. Severe guilt, and wondering if I'm not just as far gone

as she is, because of how difficult it is for me to separate. Luckily I have

enough good in my life and ability to recognize it that I can get past those

moments, but they are pretty dark, and I know they won't be going away any time

soon.

PJ

>

> Since I was recently formally disowned by my family, you can imagine my

surprise to see my father in my driveway yesterday. He was bringing boxes of my

stuff that had been at their house. I gave him back his house key. The whole

thing struck me as incredibly bizarre. I mean, this man is my father, and here

he is showing up like an ex-boyfriend to deliver my stuff. He proceeded to come

into my house and start the riot act about how this was all really my fault and

how disappointed he was that it's come to this and how he believed that this