Re: Re: No One Believes Me...But My Dad Took the Book Any...

[Guest guest]

Lord have mercy on you. I've been down this same road for so long.

Thought I was healed from it, but now, since nada passed away, fada declined

in health, and he is now living with my husband and me. Lord, Lord, Lord.

I am seeing the screaming, anger, self centered , it's all about ME

stuff, every single day; I'm not only seeing it, they tend to take their

anger out on you (meaning me). Lovely. I'm cleaning up after fada, every

day, (he's 91), cooking, that's nothing, really.......what makes it ugly

is, as " they " age, the anger and ugliness is worse. They have absolutely no

respect for anyone or anything. At this point it is normal for they to

behave badly all the ding dong day, every day. Ok, ranting now, sorry.

Laurie

In a message dated 11/9/2012 4:48:33 P.M. Eastern Standard Time,

njgagne@... writes:

Re: No One Believes Me...But My Dad Took the

Book Anyway...

I think I can identify with the feeling numb, at times. I am still

communicating with my nada but I had to severely depersonalize it and it is

sad for me. I used to think of her as my best friend and I've realized I

used her as substitute for real friends because she used to push my friends

away (by freaking out in front of them and screaming at me for dyeing my

hair, or cutting my hair, or coming home late, or coming home early with a

guest without calling ahead, or for just being myself in some way) until I

learned not to get close to anyone else. I realize the codependency was as

much my fault as hers, and that kills me too. That by continuing it for so

long I have really not given her the incentive to move on. Not that she

necessarily would have, but I've enabled her by letting her depend on me,

thinking I was doing something oh so heroic and kind.

So I've ended up feeling pretty lost, and on the edge of sanity sometimes.

That's the burden of the all-good (or at least mostly-compliant) child

coming out of the enmeshment. Severe guilt, and wondering if I'm not just

as

far gone as she is, because of how difficult it is for me to separate.

Luckily I have enough good in my life and ability to recognize it that I

can

get past those moments, but they are pretty dark, and I know they won't be

going away any time soon.

PJ

>

> Since I was recently formally disowned by my family, you can imagine my

surprise to see my father in my driveway yesterday. He was bringing boxes

of

my stuff that had been at their house. I gave him back his house key. The

whole thing struck me as incredibly bizarre. I mean, this man is my father,

and here he is showing up like an ex-boyfriend to deliver my stuff. He

proceeded to come into my house and start the riot act about how this was

all really my fault and how disappointed he was that it's come to this and

how he believed that this decision truly was mine even though it was very

clearly my mother who ended things. He went on and on about how no-one

close

to our family saw the monster I claim my mother to be. I explained to him

that just because no one else witnessed anything doesn't mean it isn't

happening. I told him that me, my siblings, and he have all had different

experiences with her, and that there was an explanation for that. He told

me

my mother spends her days crying and that she doesn't understand why I'm

doing this to her. (Classic histrionic nada crap....No one will ever

convince me that on some level she isn't enjoying telling her sob story and

the extra attention it's giving her....) I sat there and listened for a few

minutes while he continued " calling my bullshit " . Then I just couldn't take

it anymore. I abruptly told him basically that he had no idea what he was

talking about. And I left the room and came back with Randi Kreger's

Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder. I explained to

him that I believed this to be the issue with my mom and that I also

suspected she also had narcissistic and histrionic tendencies as well and

at

his request briefly explained the differences and gave him titles of two

more books. I told him that if he was serious about entertaining what I had

suggested that the book I gave him was not the best one, but it was the

only

one I was willing to part with, and suggested he find SWOE. He said he

would

read, " out of respect " for me. I know I blew his mind. And I'm not

incredibly optimistic he will read, etc....Or that this will change

anything. I've been optimistic about conversations with him before only to

be disappointed later after he talked to my mother.

>

> I was in a pretty good place emotionally before yesterday. My counselor

is

excellent and had prepared my for what she called the " inevitable "

disowning. She's predicted my nada's behavior with frightening accuracy.

And

she doesn't believe she will be able to fully commit to this permanent no

contact. Lord, I hope she's wrong.... But for now, I just feel numb.

>

[Guest guest]

Been there done that so many times that I now buy things I want back and when

nada made a comment at a holiday dinner about the book being much more my area

than hers I couldn't help myself  I said " of course, next time you get mad I " ll

be getting it back so I didn't want to waste my money " .   She got up and

walked out, and I got the book and  a couple of months of peace and quiet

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Friday, November 9, 2012 6:45 PM

Subject: Re: Re: No One Believes Me...But My Dad Took the

Book Any...

 

Lord have mercy on you. I've been down this same road for so long.

Thought I was healed from it, but now, since nada passed away, fada declined

in health, and he is now living with my husband and me. Lord, Lord, Lord.

I am seeing the screaming, anger, self centered , it's all about ME

stuff, every single day; I'm not only seeing it, they tend to take their

anger out on you (meaning me). Lovely. I'm cleaning up after fada, every

day, (he's 91), cooking, that's nothing, really.......what makes it ugly

is, as " they " age, the anger and ugliness is worse. They have absolutely no

respect for anyone or anything. At this point it is normal for they to

behave badly all the ding dong day, every day. Ok, ranting now, sorry.

Laurie

In a message dated 11/9/2012 4:48:33 P.M. Eastern Standard Time,

mailto:njgagne%40rogers.com writes:

Re: No One Believes Me...But My Dad Took the

Book Anyway...

I think I can identify with the feeling numb, at times. I am still

communicating with my nada but I had to severely depersonalize it and it is

sad for me. I used to think of her as my best friend and I've realized I

used her as substitute for real friends because she used to push my friends

away (by freaking out in front of them and screaming at me for dyeing my

hair, or cutting my hair, or coming home late, or coming home early with a

guest without calling ahead, or for just being myself in some way) until I

learned not to get close to anyone else. I realize the codependency was as

much my fault as hers, and that kills me too. That by continuing it for so

long I have really not given her the incentive to move on. Not that she

necessarily would have, but I've enabled her by letting her depend on me,

thinking I was doing something oh so heroic and kind.

So I've ended up feeling pretty lost, and on the edge of sanity sometimes.

That's the burden of the all-good (or at least mostly-compliant) child

coming out of the enmeshment. Severe guilt, and wondering if I'm not just

as

far gone as she is, because of how difficult it is for me to separate.

Luckily I have enough good in my life and ability to recognize it that I

can

get past those moments, but they are pretty dark, and I know they won't be

going away any time soon.

PJ

>

> Since I was recently formally disowned by my family, you can imagine my

surprise to see my father in my driveway yesterday. He was bringing boxes

of

my stuff that had been at their house. I gave him back his house key. The

whole thing struck me as incredibly bizarre. I mean, this man is my father,

and here he is showing up like an ex-boyfriend to deliver my stuff. He

proceeded to come into my house and start the riot act about how this was

all really my fault and how disappointed he was that it's come to this and

how he believed that this decision truly was mine even though it was very

clearly my mother who ended things. He went on and on about how no-one

close

to our family saw the monster I claim my mother to be. I explained to him

that just because no one else witnessed anything doesn't mean it isn't

happening. I told him that me, my siblings, and he have all had different

experiences with her, and that there was an explanation for that. He told

me

my mother spends her days crying and that she doesn't understand why I'm

doing this to her. (Classic histrionic nada crap....No one will ever

convince me that on some level she isn't enjoying telling her sob story and

the extra attention it's giving her....) I sat there and listened for a few

minutes while he continued " calling my bullshit " . Then I just couldn't take

it anymore. I abruptly told him basically that he had no idea what he was

talking about. And I left the room and came back with Randi Kreger's

Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder. I explained to

him that I believed this to be the issue with my mom and that I also

suspected she also had narcissistic and histrionic tendencies as well and

at

his request briefly explained the differences and gave him titles of two

more books. I told him that if he was serious about entertaining what I had

suggested that the book I gave him was not the best one, but it was the

only

one I was willing to part with, and suggested he find SWOE. He said he

would

read, " out of respect " for me. I know I blew his mind. And I'm not

incredibly optimistic he will read, etc....Or that this will change

anything. I've been optimistic about conversations with him before only to

be disappointed later after he talked to my mother.

>

> I was in a pretty good place emotionally before yesterday. My counselor

is

excellent and had prepared my for what she called the " inevitable "

disowning. She's predicted my nada's behavior with frightening accuracy.

And

she doesn't believe she will be able to fully commit to this permanent no

contact. Lord, I hope she's wrong.... But for now, I just feel numb.

>