Dealing with anger of non-BPD parent not saving you from harm

November 10, 2012

With some more distance from my family and fada not talking to me, I've been

able to take a step back and realize how screwed up my reality has been. It also

means I'm dealing with a lot of unprocessed anger, so:

I remember a lot of times fada abused me right IN FRONT of my mom, who did

absolutely nothing but stare. The next day she would tell me how much I had

" upset fada " , basically how he had a right to do something like this etc etc. I

mentioned to her again several years later how I was upset about fada hurting me

and she says she doesn't remember any of it!

Has anyone else dealt with the ways that your non-BPD parent dealt with

fada/nada's abuse?

November 10, 2012

I just introduced this issue earlier this week. You can find the thread here:

I hope it's helpful. (I'll go into more detail when I have a bit more time)

I harbor anger/resentment at my father for not doing more to protect me from my

mother, who I suspect has BPD. I still do. I'm 30 years old, and a couple nights

ago met up with my father and had a 2-hour+ conversation with him about my

difficulties with my mother, which seem to have escalated.

I'll talk more about that conversation later -- we met out of necessity, because

my mother hasn't spoken to me in the last couple weeks and we are normally a

tight family, but I find myself pulling away the more I learn about her

condition.

There are a couple things to keep in mind about the partner of a BPD parent,

however. These have helped me-

1. They tend to have had traumatic childhoods (much like many sufferers of BPD)

so they come to relationships with their own damage/insecurities. In my view,

that makes the codependence on a BPD much more likely.

2. With traumatic backgrounds, the partners of non-BPD sufferers are much more

adept at accepting toxic or unhealthy relationship dynamics.

And this is important --

3. When there are children in the mix, the non-BPD partner may have very real

fears that speaking up/contradicting the BPD parent, could lead to a rift in the

family and a loss of custody.

So if you have a non-BPD parent, part of what keeps them quiet/complicit might

just be the desire to stick around and protect you (even if they don't seem to

be doing a great job of protecting you).

Hang in there.

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