BPD and the holidays

[Guest guest]

I wonder if I'm the only one out there who is struggling with the holidays and

what to do with the abusive parent who lives alone and is elderly. Probably not.

My siblings have given me the okay to not invite my father but they both feel

bad that it has come to this. They get crap from my father but not like I do. I

am the reason for all his problems and the abuse is non-stop. On email, on

voicemail, in person, on the phone and is escalating -- I assume because the

anxiety of another holiday without my mom who died 18 months ago is fast

approaching.

Why is that I still feel like I have to share my home with him on what should be

a quiet day with family? My husband is a saint dealing with the constant

emotional fallout from my father's abuse. My husband wants (and deserves) a

holiday that's not full of drama but will not pressure me to ditch my father so

he can have some peace.

I guess I feel like my mother would be turning over in her urn if I didn't have

him here with his grandkids and kids. Guilt is a horrible thing.

Plus, I feel like I'm being a hateful, spiteful human being and I don't like how

that feels since it's not who I am.

Anyone else want to share their experiences with this? I'm just a mess.

[Guest guest]

Is there any way you can spend time with him outside of your house? I know that

could be impossible if you are also preparing a holiday meal but maybe the day

before or the day after you could go to a restaurant for lunch or dinner.

That would depend on of course whether you would want to be alone with that

person, or if someone could come along or not. Just an idea.

>

> I wonder if I'm the only one out there who is struggling with the holidays and

what to do with the abusive parent who lives alone and is elderly. Probably not.

>

> My siblings have given me the okay to not invite my father but they both feel

bad that it has come to this. They get crap from my father but not like I do. I

am the reason for all his problems and the abuse is non-stop. On email, on

voicemail, in person, on the phone and is escalating -- I assume because the

anxiety of another holiday without my mom who died 18 months ago is fast

approaching.

>

> Why is that I still feel like I have to share my home with him on what should

be a quiet day with family? My husband is a saint dealing with the constant

emotional fallout from my father's abuse. My husband wants (and deserves) a

holiday that's not full of drama but will not pressure me to ditch my father so

he can have some peace.

>

> I guess I feel like my mother would be turning over in her urn if I didn't

have him here with his grandkids and kids. Guilt is a horrible thing.

>

> Plus, I feel like I'm being a hateful, spiteful human being and I don't like

how that feels since it's not who I am.

>

> Anyone else want to share their experiences with this? I'm just a mess.

>

[Guest guest]

You are absolutely right that you and your husband deserve a holiday with out

abuse. Good for you for standing up for yourself and it is good that your

siblings agreed to go along with it. If someone does more harm than good then

there is no point in having them around. We kept my mother from coming to

holidays last year, and we are about to do that again. We finally get to

experience what peaceful, drama fee holidays are. Best of luck.

> >

> > I wonder if I'm the only one out there who is struggling with the holidays

and what to do with the abusive parent who lives alone and is elderly. Probably

not.

> >

> > My siblings have given me the okay to not invite my father but they both

feel bad that it has come to this. They get crap from my father but not like I

do. I am the reason for all his problems and the abuse is non-stop. On email, on

voicemail, in person, on the phone and is escalating -- I assume because the

anxiety of another holiday without my mom who died 18 months ago is fast

approaching.

> >

> > Why is that I still feel like I have to share my home with him on what

should be a quiet day with family? My husband is a saint dealing with the

constant emotional fallout from my father's abuse. My husband wants (and

deserves) a holiday that's not full of drama but will not pressure me to ditch

my father so he can have some peace.

> >

> > I guess I feel like my mother would be turning over in her urn if I didn't

have him here with his grandkids and kids. Guilt is a horrible thing.

> >

> > Plus, I feel like I'm being a hateful, spiteful human being and I don't like

how that feels since it's not who I am.

> >

> > Anyone else want to share their experiences with this? I'm just a mess.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I understand your guilt. I have gone NC with my FOO recently and with the

holidays coming up it is VERY hard not to reconnect because the societal

norm is that you HAVE to have your family over for Christmas. It will tear

my nada apart not to see my kids for Christmas and I expect an explosion and

a lot of grief from flying monkeys. However, I do feel that I need a break

from my FOO for one season to establish a family tradition of my own (new

house, recently moved back into state) instead of being expected to do

everything her way. She buys way too many presents and most of them are not

things anyone would want or need - she just likes to spend the money so you

feel obligated to her. I know as the days approach my resolve will weaken,

but I honestly feel that she needs to understand that NC means NC and to

back down just because it's a holiday gives them a foot in the door for

guilt and obligation cycles.

[Guest guest]

My nada is 84, lives alone but shouldn't since she's not doing a very good job

of taking care of herself or the things around the home. But I'm letting things

progress at their natural rate.

Every holiday she pouts to neighbors and even strangers at the mall saying no,

she doesn't spend Thanksgiving, Christmas, whatever with us. I get the looks of

course but the fact is she doesn't want to endure the drive to our home (30

minutes by freeway) and she absolutely can't stand the noise of multiple people

and children (our adults kids with their kids). So what's the point? Even when

our daughter got married years ago, nada and my Dad came but she wouldn't stop

talking during the service and then afterwards, wanted to leave right away. We

literally had to run down the hallway to the reception and get some cake for my

Dad and her to take home. He wanted to stay (this was just a few months before

he died) but she rules the roost.

The point is now we do our holiday things with our own kids and then drive over

afterwards to visit with her in her dark, smelly house. We take some food, have

dessert with her and listen to her complain for a couple of hours, then go home.

This is our new norm. I feel I've done my duty, she's not ruining our holiday at

home and that's that.

> >

> > >

> > > I wonder if I'm the only one out there who is struggling with the holidays

and what to do with the abusive parent who lives alone and is elderly. Probably

not.

> > >

> > > My siblings have given me the okay to not invite my father but they both

feel bad that it has come to this. They get crap from my father but not like I

do. I am the reason for all his problems and the abuse is non-stop. On email, on

voicemail, in person, on the phone and is escalating -- I assume because the

anxiety of another holiday without my mom who died 18 months ago is fast

approaching.

> > >

> > > Why is that I still feel like I have to share my home with him on what

should be a quiet day with family? My husband is a saint dealing with the

constant emotional fallout from my father's abuse. My husband wants (and

deserves) a holiday that's not full of drama but will not pressure me to ditch

my father so he can have some peace.

> > >

> > > I guess I feel like my mother would be turning over in her urn if I didn't

have him here with his grandkids and kids. Guilt is a horrible thing.

> > >

> > > Plus, I feel like I'm being a hateful, spiteful human being and I don't

like how that feels since it's not who I am.

> > >

> > > Anyone else want to share their experiences with this? I'm just a mess.

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Ah yes, aren't the holidays grand?? I know that it is difficult but try not

to be so hard on yourself. Pulling off Thanksgiving is difficult as it is,

but you are hosting the event in YOUR home. The only ones involved in the

decision should be you and your husband. If your father is a toxicity in

your life you have every right to make whatever decisions are necessary to

protect yourself and keep the occasion a happy one. If you knew that a dish

you were serving may be tainted and make everyone sick, would you still

serve it just for the sake of having that one dish on the table? Of course

you wouldn't! Having a toxic personality in your home during this holiday

is no different. Don't look at it as something you are doing TO him....look

at it as something you are doing FOR you and your family. If it helps ease

your anxiety, then perhaps prepare a plate AND some leftovers and have

either one of your siblings or a neutral party drop it off to your father.

Maybe have your children make a card for him and include it with the care

package. This says " I am happy to share the holiday with you, but your

behavior is not acceptable nor invited. " Somewhat of a compromise. If your

children ask a lot of questions just tell them that he is sick. (Which is

true!!) For your sake and the sake of your family make sure to include some

little blurb as you say your blessing before your meal. Something very

simple like " we thank you God for the blessings you have bestowed upon us.

Please bless the company we share and the loved ones who are unable to

share this meal with us.

I hope this helps you or at least brings you some peace. I am in

unchartered waters this holiday season as well as I finally had to break

down and go completely NC with my mother, father and brother as of this

past August. Telling my aging parents that all three of them are no longer

welcome to be a part of my life or the lives of our children. I told them

then that this includes holidays and birthdays as well. I was so worried

that it would totally devastate nada but I barely got the words out of my

mouth and she very happily chirped " ok! " They are actually HAPPY to be out

of our lives. This sickness--it's a mind blower. But we all stick together

here and trust me....one big step is making difficult decisions like this

to allow for YOUR happiness. Just know...we are all behind you 100% and you

are most definitely NOT alone!

~~Bunny

>

>

> I wonder if I'm the only one out there who is struggling with the

holidays and what to do with the abusive parent who lives alone and is

elderly. Probably not.

>

> My siblings have given me the okay to not invite my father but they both

feel bad that it has come to this. They get crap from my father but not

like I do. I am the reason for all his problems and the abuse is non-stop.

On email, on voicemail, in person, on the phone and is escalating -- I

assume because the anxiety of another holiday without my mom who died 18

months ago is fast approaching.

>

> Why is that I still feel like I have to share my home with him on what

should be a quiet day with family? My husband is a saint dealing with the

constant emotional fallout from my father's abuse. My husband wants (and

deserves) a holiday that's not full of drama but will not pressure me to

ditch my father so he can have some peace.

>

> I guess I feel like my mother would be turning over in her urn if I

didn't have him here with his grandkids and kids. Guilt is a horrible thing.

>

> Plus, I feel like I'm being a hateful, spiteful human being and I don't

like how that feels since it's not who I am.

>

> Anyone else want to share their experiences with this? I'm just a mess.

>

>

--

Kisses and Nibbles,

Bunny

[Guest guest]

I am not allowing my nada to come for Thanksgiving despite the fact that she

tried to pressure me and lie she'd already bought ticket and told me everyone

else treats her bad so she needs to be with us as she has no one else...I said

not at Thanksgiving we already have guests, but you can come at Christmas and I

specified the days. 5 days. 2 travel days and 3 stay days. And that is it. And

if I keep it short and do not engage in any toxic conversations and don't let

her play any games with me, I can get through. Next year I probably won't have

her. I am thinking every other year is fair. I can take her for 5 days (2

being travel). More than that and her toxicity is more than I can take and it

damages me and my family. And if she misbehaves and messes with me, I will ask

her to leave. My husband knows of her condition. He says I am strong enough to

handle her on two short visits per year so the kids can see their Grandma and

that is it. Deep down I hate her, but I also know she is psychologically

disordered. She must be " handled " . And kept at a great distance.

> > >

> > > I wonder if I'm the only one out there who is struggling with the holidays

and what to do with the abusive parent who lives alone and is elderly. Probably

not.

> > >

> > > My siblings have given me the okay to not invite my father but they both

feel bad that it has come to this. They get crap from my father but not like I

do. I am the reason for all his problems and the abuse is non-stop. On email, on

voicemail, in person, on the phone and is escalating -- I assume because the

anxiety of another holiday without my mom who died 18 months ago is fast

approaching.

> > >

> > > Why is that I still feel like I have to share my home with him on what

should be a quiet day with family? My husband is a saint dealing with the

constant emotional fallout from my father's abuse. My husband wants (and

deserves) a holiday that's not full of drama but will not pressure me to ditch

my father so he can have some peace.

> > >

> > > I guess I feel like my mother would be turning over in her urn if I didn't

have him here with his grandkids and kids. Guilt is a horrible thing.

> > >

> > > Plus, I feel like I'm being a hateful, spiteful human being and I don't

like how that feels since it's not who I am.

> > >

> > > Anyone else want to share their experiences with this? I'm just a mess.

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

BPD mothers seem to have a talent for manipulating strangers and neighbors into

feeling sorry for them. Mine told anyone that would listen that she had no

family. The truth is she had four sisters, a brother, and a daughter. All of us

made efforts over the years but were repelled by her violent and abusive

behavior. Just months before mother past, Aunt J, in poor health herself , flew

across half the nation to visit mother but mother refused to see Aunt J and told

her that if she came to the house mother would not let her in! Instead, mother

enjoyed being pitied by the neighbors who would make over her and honor her as a

special guest at their gatherings. They didn't know her history and she could be

ever so charming when she chose to be!

Some Ideas for surviving the holidays with(out) the BPD family member:

1.. Book a cruise. Invite your spouse, child, or best friend along. You well

be treated very well and enjoy the holidays for a change.

2.. Be of service to others. Work in a soup kitchen, deliver meals, play Santa

to kids in need. Just do whatever it takes to keep your mind on others and move

past your own pain.

3.. Ask your boss to schedule your shifts/meetings/ days out of town so that

you couldn't possible make it to the gathering with the BPD.

4.. Enlist the support of friends or in-laws. Set a time, perhaps an hour or

so, into the gathering when they will call you. This will offer an " emergency "

if you need to leave.

5.. Create a " family of friends. " Enjoy the holidays with the people who

really love and care for you. Skip the ones that aren't able to be civil.

6.. Travel. Go to Vegas, visit Florida, see Hawaii, go to Taos. Where you go

doesn't really matter. It's about shaking off the pain and creating a healthy

space for yourself to inhabit. The fact that there will be fun new things to try

there is an added bonus!

Don't forget that you have a group of people to turn to if things get rough.

Warm wishes,

MB

[Guest guest]

MB,

Those are some GREAT ideas! I know close to about 15 years ago there was

all kinds of drama with my mother and mother-in-law. Just childish behavior

.... we would arrange brunch with my mother and a late lunch with my mother

in law ( the two don't get along so hosting something at our place was out

of the question) my MIL would do nothing but complain because she lived

further away so we should spend more time with her...so the next year we

stayed longer than usual...she complained because we saw my mother

first...meanwhile my mother is mad because we left early or because she

liked my MIL's flower arrangement. I had 2 small girls so it totally ruined

MY mothers day. 5 years of that crap and we said screw it and started going

to Hershey Park for the weekend. We would send them flower arrangements and

before we left for the park hubby would get on his phone and I would get on

mine....we'd make the obligatorily phone calls and we'd take off to the

park. So we just stopped visiting them BOTH -- and left town for the

weekend. The bickering ended and I began to look forward to mother's day

for a change! Since my girls are grown now, we will tell my MIL that we are

going out of town, but we are usually home...we just park the car somewhere

else in case she decides to check.

>

>

> BPD mothers seem to have a talent for manipulating strangers and

neighbors into feeling sorry for them. Mine told anyone that would listen

that she had no family. The truth is she had four sisters, a brother, and a

daughter. All of us made efforts over the years but were repelled by her

violent and abusive behavior. Just months before mother past, Aunt J, in

poor health herself , flew across half the nation to visit mother but

mother refused to see Aunt J and told her that if she came to the house

mother would not let her in! Instead, mother enjoyed being pitied by the

neighbors who would make over her and honor her as a special guest at their

gatherings. They didn't know her history and she could be ever so charming

when she chose to be!

>

> Some Ideas for surviving the holidays with(out) the BPD family member:

> 1.. Book a cruise. Invite your spouse, child, or best friend along. You

well be treated very well and enjoy the holidays for a change.

> 2.. Be of service to others. Work in a soup kitchen, deliver meals, play

Santa to kids in need. Just do whatever it takes to keep your mind on

others and move past your own pain.

> 3.. Ask your boss to schedule your shifts/meetings/ days out of town so

that you couldn't possible make it to the gathering with the BPD.

> 4.. Enlist the support of friends or in-laws. Set a time, perhaps an hour

or so, into the gathering when they will call you. This will offer an

" emergency " if you need to leave.

> 5.. Create a " family of friends. " Enjoy the holidays with the people who

really love and care for you. Skip the ones that aren't able to be civil.

> 6.. Travel. Go to Vegas, visit Florida, see Hawaii, go to Taos. Where you

go doesn't really matter. It's about shaking off the pain and creating a

healthy space for yourself to inhabit. The fact that there will be fun new

things to try there is an added bonus!

> Don't forget that you have a group of people to turn to if things get

rough.

>

> Warm wishes,

>

> MB

>

>

[Guest guest]

Bunny,

Amelia Earhart is credited with uttering, " Courage is the price that Life

exacts for granting peace, The soul that knows it not, knows no release from

little things. "

That pretty much says it all!

MB

[Guest guest]

Thank you, Bunny, and EVERYONE in this group. Whether you responded with

positive, helpful, and kind posts or if you read this and just nodded your heads

in agreement. It all means so much to me.

We will ALL get through the holidays, we always do. And it was even harder when

we were kids because we had no other choice but to stay home and wait for the

proverbial left hooks (especially when the liquor started flowing in my house).

I'm so glad I found this group and when I feel like I am somewhat in control, I

will respond with advice as well.

Thank you all!

Kath

> >

> >

> > I wonder if I'm the only one out there who is struggling with the

> holidays and what to do with the abusive parent who lives alone and is

> elderly. Probably not.

> >

> > My siblings have given me the okay to not invite my father but they both

> feel bad that it has come to this. They get crap from my father but not

> like I do. I am the reason for all his problems and the abuse is non-stop.

> On email, on voicemail, in person, on the phone and is escalating -- I

> assume because the anxiety of another holiday without my mom who died 18

> months ago is fast approaching.

> >

> > Why is that I still feel like I have to share my home with him on what

> should be a quiet day with family? My husband is a saint dealing with the

> constant emotional fallout from my father's abuse. My husband wants (and

> deserves) a holiday that's not full of drama but will not pressure me to

> ditch my father so he can have some peace.

> >

> > I guess I feel like my mother would be turning over in her urn if I

> didn't have him here with his grandkids and kids. Guilt is a horrible thing.

> >

> > Plus, I feel like I'm being a hateful, spiteful human being and I don't

> like how that feels since it's not who I am.

> >

> > Anyone else want to share their experiences with this? I'm just a mess.

> >

> >

>

> --

> Kisses and Nibbles,

> Bunny

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I had never heard that MB, I'm going to have to write that one down. Indeed

it does sum it up nicely.

Simply....awesome

>

>

> Bunny,

>

> Amelia Earhart is credited with uttering, " Courage is the price that Life

> exacts for granting peace, The soul that knows it not, knows no release

from

> little things. "

>

> That pretty much says it all!

>

> MB

>

>

--

Kisses and Nibbles,

Bunny