The edge of sanity

[Guest guest]

The more I read about and think about how this BPD has existed in my life

(suspect in mother), along with substance abuse/addiction in other family

members, and eating disorder behavior in myself (in the past), the more I am

critical of my own emotional health.

I guess I have been in denial for a long time about myself because my problems

aren't as outwardly obvious as others', but I know they will catch up with me,

and quickly are. I guess it's just being immersed in all this literature that

makes me feel extra critical of my own emotions, reactions, and tendencies.

I have many of the classic symptoms: always afraid of being seen as an imposter,

afraid people are just humoring me and will finally get exhausted with me and

tell me to get lost, constantly overextending myself (a form of self-sabotage),

questioning my competence even when others don't, and really just not knowing

myself. Yet I know that these traits could be attributed to many other things,

and that many " normal " people experience these problems from time to time. And

then the next thought is, are these things so entrenched in me that I don't even

realize how much I have allowed them to hold me back in life by not vigorously

addressing them? And to think of addressing them is pretty overwhelming. Can I

really learn to overcome these tendencies when my mom never could? Is there

really any hope for me?

My normal fears that people see me as different, and kind of sad, are

intensified, which just results in me acting in ways that probably foster that

perception.

I just don't feel like a complete person. I want to be dependable, consistent. I

know I am capable of so much, but then I overextend myself, put so much energy

into one thing that I fail in other obligations.

And I guess I just never thought that the chaos that existed in my childhood

could be the key to unlocking some of those fears. I think I suppress the bad

memories, and idealize what my family had because that's still somehow just not

a possibility. I guess that's similar to how the BP is incapable of seeing both

the good and the bad in people.

This post is already too long, I know. These things have been said again and

again but I just needed to say them again. For me. Thanks for listening.