Guest guest Posted November 13, 2012 Report Share Posted November 13, 2012 I know everyone is starting to think and post about the holidays and I am not different in that respect. I guess the main difference is that I have so many BPs in my life that I'm not sure which forum to post on about my sadness! But since my main theme I think is re: Nada, I selected this one. I went NC with Nada about a year and a half ago. Thanksgiving with Nada was always awful because she was such a martyr. She would make everyone miserable yelling and screaming as she cooked- no one was helping enough, she was taken for granted, no one waited for her to sit down before eating, but if they did wait for her then they didn't really like her food and since she had worked so hard on it that made us ungrateful. There was no winning. Whenever I made a dish she would always put it out last and far away from most of the people to try to get them to focus on what she made. Everyone else could compliment my cooking but not Nada. One year I thought it would be better if I made Thanksgiving with my aunts and cousin so Nada could rest and not yell. So we merrily went about making the dinner, had fun and no fights, and the food was good (admittedly not as objectively flavorful as Nada's food, but much more pleasant atmosphere!) We wouldn't let Nada lift a finger, we treated her like a princess. Needless to say, Nada found fault with everything we did, said the food was awful, we ruined Thanksgiving, and thank goodness she was around to save next year's " celebration " . I always put so much stock into Thanksgiving and was always so disappointed. Every family gathering was miserable. I don't like food enough to want to suffer through the constant negativity and meanspiritedness. When I married my BPD and we bought our own house, I thought Thanksgiving would be much better because I would make it and not be a stress case and ruin everyone's good time. But BPDx and I made each other so unhappy that, while it wasn't as bad as at Nada's, it was still really sad. We just couldn't get along ever, and instead of fighting we mostly just stopped speaking. It was so sad. Anyway I split from BPDx at the same time I cut contact with Nada and her flying monkey relatives, so no more Thanksgivings trying to cope with them. I have an SO but with all we've been through the past year (both lost our jobs, both divorced, both struggling to support our kids) he doesn't feel like celebrating, and I don't feel like trying to tag along on a friend's family's Thanksgiving. So I will have another year of dreaming of Thanksgiving with a real family. My SO keeps encouraging me to focus on the blessings we have rather than what we don't have (a family to celebrate with), and I get it, I am broadly committed to that mentality, I'm just very sad today. Thank you for listening! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 13, 2012 Report Share Posted November 13, 2012 MDG, I truly empathize with the holidays bringing grief and stress. One of the best Thanksgivings I had was spent alone. I was sick with the flu and did not want to attend anyone's celebrations. Mid-day I began to feel better and was able to go from my bed to the living room couch. I began to be thankful and speak thanks for what I did have. The day end up being restorative for me; mentally, emotionally and physically. At some point I created a " bucket list " of activities I wanted to complete before the year ended. I visited several museums, saw a foreign film, took leisure walks around the city. Hopefully, your sadness will dissipate soon and the day turns out to be the best Thanksgiving you and your SO have ever had. Peace & Blessings, MyReality > > I know everyone is starting to think and post about the holidays and I am not different in that respect. I guess the main difference is that I have so many BPs in my life that I'm not sure which forum to post on about my sadness! But since my main theme I think is re: Nada, I selected this one. > > I went NC with Nada about a year and a half ago. Thanksgiving with Nada was always awful because she was such a martyr. She would make everyone miserable yelling and screaming as she cooked- no one was helping enough, she was taken for granted, no one waited for her to sit down before eating, but if they did wait for her then they didn't really like her food and since she had worked so hard on it that made us ungrateful. There was no winning. Whenever I made a dish she would always put it out last and far away from most of the people to try to get them to focus on what she made. Everyone else could compliment my cooking but not Nada. > > One year I thought it would be better if I made Thanksgiving with my aunts and cousin so Nada could rest and not yell. So we merrily went about making the dinner, had fun and no fights, and the food was good (admittedly not as objectively flavorful as Nada's food, but much more pleasant atmosphere!) We wouldn't let Nada lift a finger, we treated her like a princess. Needless to say, Nada found fault with everything we did, said the food was awful, we ruined Thanksgiving, and thank goodness she was around to save next year's " celebration " . > > I always put so much stock into Thanksgiving and was always so disappointed. Every family gathering was miserable. I don't like food enough to want to suffer through the constant negativity and meanspiritedness. > > When I married my BPD and we bought our own house, I thought Thanksgiving would be much better because I would make it and not be a stress case and ruin everyone's good time. But BPDx and I made each other so unhappy that, while it wasn't as bad as at Nada's, it was still really sad. We just couldn't get along ever, and instead of fighting we mostly just stopped speaking. It was so sad. > > Anyway I split from BPDx at the same time I cut contact with Nada and her flying monkey relatives, so no more Thanksgivings trying to cope with them. > > I have an SO but with all we've been through the past year (both lost our jobs, both divorced, both struggling to support our kids) he doesn't feel like celebrating, and I don't feel like trying to tag along on a friend's family's Thanksgiving. So I will have another year of dreaming of Thanksgiving with a real family. > > My SO keeps encouraging me to focus on the blessings we have rather than what we don't have (a family to celebrate with), and I get it, I am broadly committed to that mentality, I'm just very sad today. > > Thank you for listening! > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 13, 2012 Report Share Posted November 13, 2012 Thank you MyReality. Even just writing it down really helped a lot, but the validation from others who have experienced unhappy holidays really makes me feel less alone. Thank you again. I hope you have another peaceful one this year!! Regards, MDG > > > > I know everyone is starting to think and post about the holidays and I am not different in that respect. I guess the main difference is that I have so many BPs in my life that I'm not sure which forum to post on about my sadness! But since my main theme I think is re: Nada, I selected this one. > > > > I went NC with Nada about a year and a half ago. Thanksgiving with Nada was always awful because she was such a martyr. She would make everyone miserable yelling and screaming as she cooked- no one was helping enough, she was taken for granted, no one waited for her to sit down before eating, but if they did wait for her then they didn't really like her food and since she had worked so hard on it that made us ungrateful. There was no winning. Whenever I made a dish she would always put it out last and far away from most of the people to try to get them to focus on what she made. Everyone else could compliment my cooking but not Nada. > > > > One year I thought it would be better if I made Thanksgiving with my aunts and cousin so Nada could rest and not yell. So we merrily went about making the dinner, had fun and no fights, and the food was good (admittedly not as objectively flavorful as Nada's food, but much more pleasant atmosphere!) We wouldn't let Nada lift a finger, we treated her like a princess. Needless to say, Nada found fault with everything we did, said the food was awful, we ruined Thanksgiving, and thank goodness she was around to save next year's " celebration " . > > > > I always put so much stock into Thanksgiving and was always so disappointed. Every family gathering was miserable. I don't like food enough to want to suffer through the constant negativity and meanspiritedness. > > > > When I married my BPD and we bought our own house, I thought Thanksgiving would be much better because I would make it and not be a stress case and ruin everyone's good time. But BPDx and I made each other so unhappy that, while it wasn't as bad as at Nada's, it was still really sad. We just couldn't get along ever, and instead of fighting we mostly just stopped speaking. It was so sad. > > > > Anyway I split from BPDx at the same time I cut contact with Nada and her flying monkey relatives, so no more Thanksgivings trying to cope with them. > > > > I have an SO but with all we've been through the past year (both lost our jobs, both divorced, both struggling to support our kids) he doesn't feel like celebrating, and I don't feel like trying to tag along on a friend's family's Thanksgiving. So I will have another year of dreaming of Thanksgiving with a real family. > > > > My SO keeps encouraging me to focus on the blessings we have rather than what we don't have (a family to celebrate with), and I get it, I am broadly committed to that mentality, I'm just very sad today. > > > > Thank you for listening! > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 13, 2012 Report Share Posted November 13, 2012 Mdg2101, I'm sending you love freom a sister from another BPD mother. While may not have Norman Rockwell holidays, we are working on it! Never give up the fight for a better, healthier, and happier life! Wishing you all the love you so richly deserve, MB Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 14, 2012 Report Share Posted November 14, 2012 My heart goes out to you " mdg " ! I can't imagine having cut out your FOO and be divorced at the same time. You have every reason to be sad this holiday season. Your SO sounds good for you and I hope that is a blessing in your life. I have no words of wisdom but sincerely understand your struggles and wish you the best. jwjrenslow@...> jwjrenslow@... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 14, 2012 Report Share Posted November 14, 2012 My nada on the last few holidays asks me to bring most of the food and then asks me to help her cook what she is preparing. At Easter I figured out she actual made one thing entirely by herself. . . deviled eggs. She hates doing big meals anywhere but her house too because she likes to be in complete charge and get to boss everyone else around. She has trained my enDad and enBro to do the dishes after a meal so she can rest (from making her one dish) and they hop to it like soldiers. I'm NC for the first holiday season and in a new house. I am SO looking forward to being able to do Thanksgiving without drama, with DH's wonderful family and establish my own traditions with my kids for Christmas that do not involve the 100 stupid gifts my nada feels she has to buy my kids so they love her more. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 14, 2012 Report Share Posted November 14, 2012 It may show up when I do November - but October balanced for me. . . . I'll let you know. L jwjrenslow@...> jwjrenslow@... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 14, 2012 Report Share Posted November 14, 2012 Sorry - sent to the wrong place. . . LOL From: Renslow Sent: Wednesday, November 14, 2012 7:43 AM To: WTOAdultChildren1 ' Subject: Re: Thanksgiving It may show up when I do November - but October balanced for me. . . . I'll let you know. L jwjrenslow@...> jwjrenslow@... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 14, 2012 Report Share Posted November 14, 2012 mdg, sorry for your delima...I really identify with having so many BPD's in my life. My holidays have always been filled with some sort of chaos. I have a BPD mom and two BPD daughters. So the fights were unreal. The two daughters actually would get in fist fights while me and mom (mom was older) sat protecting the grand children. Every holiday has been just miserable. I also have a BPD X and a BPD X I am in the middle of a divorce with. YUP I seem to feel real comfortable with BPD. I am not at all comfortable. It seems that they can be so nice and then they strike. Usually out of left field. It is not unusual for us who have had a BPD mother to winde up with BPD sposuses and SO's. Its cause we know it. Its familiar. I am in therapy to help me change this. ITs scary. I dont trust my own judgement anymore. I am tird of being the scape goat and always blamed for everything that goes wrong in a relationship. I always take responsibility for my part. I am ALWAYS being the " bigger " perosn and mending fences. Not any more. When I mend a fence I get used and abused once again. I am in NC with 3 of the BPD's in my life. And I am happy. I dont have to walk on egg shells and I like it. Jean Ann > > I know everyone is starting to think and post about the holidays and I am not different in that respect. I guess the main difference is that I have so many BPs in my life that I'm not sure which forum to post on about my sadness! But since my main theme I think is re: Nada, I selected this one. > > I went NC with Nada about a year and a half ago. Thanksgiving with Nada was always awful because she was such a martyr. She would make everyone miserable yelling and screaming as she cooked- no one was helping enough, she was taken for granted, no one waited for her to sit down before eating, but if they did wait for her then they didn't really like her food and since she had worked so hard on it that made us ungrateful. There was no winning. Whenever I made a dish she would always put it out last and far away from most of the people to try to get them to focus on what she made. Everyone else could compliment my cooking but not Nada. > > One year I thought it would be better if I made Thanksgiving with my aunts and cousin so Nada could rest and not yell. So we merrily went about making the dinner, had fun and no fights, and the food was good (admittedly not as objectively flavorful as Nada's food, but much more pleasant atmosphere!) We wouldn't let Nada lift a finger, we treated her like a princess. Needless to say, Nada found fault with everything we did, said the food was awful, we ruined Thanksgiving, and thank goodness she was around to save next year's " celebration " . > > I always put so much stock into Thanksgiving and was always so disappointed. Every family gathering was miserable. I don't like food enough to want to suffer through the constant negativity and meanspiritedness. > > When I married my BPD and we bought our own house, I thought Thanksgiving would be much better because I would make it and not be a stress case and ruin everyone's good time. But BPDx and I made each other so unhappy that, while it wasn't as bad as at Nada's, it was still really sad. We just couldn't get along ever, and instead of fighting we mostly just stopped speaking. It was so sad. > > Anyway I split from BPDx at the same time I cut contact with Nada and her flying monkey relatives, so no more Thanksgivings trying to cope with them. > > I have an SO but with all we've been through the past year (both lost our jobs, both divorced, both struggling to support our kids) he doesn't feel like celebrating, and I don't feel like trying to tag along on a friend's family's Thanksgiving. So I will have another year of dreaming of Thanksgiving with a real family. > > My SO keeps encouraging me to focus on the blessings we have rather than what we don't have (a family to celebrate with), and I get it, I am broadly committed to that mentality, I'm just very sad today. > > Thank you for listening! > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 14, 2012 Report Share Posted November 14, 2012 Ugh that is so frustrating ! I totally understand your experience. I hope you have a wonderful Thanksgiving and Xmas with DH's family and your kids this year!!! --- In WTOAdultChildren1 , " Renslow " wrThote: > > > > My nada on the last few holidays asks me to bring most of the food and then > asks me to help her cook what she is preparing. At Easter I figured out she > actual made one thing entirely by herself. . . deviled eggs. She hates > doing big meals anywhere but her house too because she likes to be in > complete charge and get to boss everyone else around. She has trained my > enDad and enBro to do the dishes after a meal so she can rest (from making > her one dish) and they hop to it like soldiers. > > > > I'm NC for the first holiday season and in a new house. I am SO looking > forward to being able to do Thanksgiving without drama, with DH's wonderful > family and establish my own traditions with my kids for Christmas that do > not involve the 100 stupid gifts my nada feels she has to buy my kids so > they love her more. > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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