Parental Alienation Syndrome

[Guest guest]

I just read about this phenomenon after finding the terminology on WTO. Wow - I

can't believe this exists! As if my nada hasn't put me through enough, now I

know another messed up thing she did. My parents were divorced when I was 7.

Nana constantly said bad things about my father:

" He's a jerk, meany, a$$hole, SOB etc. "

" He doesn't really want you to live with him, he just wants to get back at me. "

" He has no friends. "

" He can't live without a woman. "

" If he would've gotten custody of you, you would be mentally ill. "

" I had to save myself by divorcing him. "

" He wouldn't go to counseling with me "

" He was the one who actually filed from divorce. "

" He never changed your diapers. "

" He wanted me barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen. "

" He dressed you like a doll once - he didn't see you as a person. "

:He taught you not to like my food. "

" He doesn't know how to manage money. "

" Nobody in the city likes him. "

" You're just like your father... " (Only said when I was doing something she

didn't like.)

" He was a problem with women. "

She even went into details of their (bad) sex life on many occasions.

If I ever did stick up for him, she would yell at me for " protecting him " .

Every effort he made with me was sabotaged by her.

Until I learned about PAS, I guess I always thought she was right about him. I

thought she was protecting me by telling me the " truth " about him. Now, I am

very confused. Which is right? Is he a jerk and should I avoid him? Or should

I continue to try repairing my relationship with him? I haven't seen him for

over 10 years, but have recently started writing letters with him.

[Guest guest]

Telling lies about the other parent after a divorce is common

with nadas and fadas. That's part of their black and white/us

vs. them thinking. Their viewpoint on things isn't exactly

unbiased or even based in reality. I'm sure my nada believes the

untrue things she says about my father. It is possible that your

father really is a jerk. Or it is possible that he's a really

nice guy who wanted to be a good father and got turned away at

every attempt until he gave up. At least some of what she said

could be true but that doesn't necessarily mean he was in the

wrong. Maybe he did file for divorce. What sane man would want

to stay married to a woman with BPD? Beyond that, no one is

perfect. Wanting a woman in his life or not being good at

managing money doesn't make him a terrible person. My suggestion

is that you continue to try to get to know him and find out for

yourself what he's like. Even if he was a jerk years ago, that

doesn't mean he's still a jerk. People grow up and mature over

the years and sometimes they learn how to be better people.

At 12:51 AM 11/13/2012 kerryfairy wrote:

>I just read about this phenomenon after finding the terminology

>on WTO. Wow - I can't believe this exists! As if my nada

>hasn't put me through enough, now I know another messed up

>thing she did. My parents were divorced when I was 7. Nana

>constantly said bad things about my father:

>

> " He's a jerk, meany, a$$hole, SOB etc. "

> " He doesn't really want you to live with him, he just wants to

>get back at me. "

> " He has no friends. "

> " He can't live without a woman. "

> " If he would've gotten custody of you, you would be mentally

>ill. "

> " I had to save myself by divorcing him. "

> " He wouldn't go to counseling with me "

> " He was the one who actually filed from divorce. "

> " He never changed your diapers. "

> " He wanted me barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen. "

> " He dressed you like a doll once - he didn't see you as a

>person. "

>:He taught you not to like my food. "

> " He doesn't know how to manage money. "

> " Nobody in the city likes him. "

> " You're just like your father... " (Only said when I was doing

>something she didn't like.)

> " He was a problem with women. "

>

>She even went into details of their (bad) sex life on many

>occasions.

>

>If I ever did stick up for him, she would yell at me for

> " protecting him " . Every effort he made with me was sabotaged

>by her.

>

>Until I learned about PAS, I guess I always thought she was

>right about him. I thought she was protecting me by telling me

>the " truth " about him. Now, I am very confused. Which is

>right? Is he a jerk and should I avoid him? Or should I

>continue to try repairing my relationship with him? I haven't

>seen him for over 10 years, but have recently started writing

>letters with him.

>

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

Wow, those quotes sure sound familiar! I would just caution to keep another

scenario in mind, perhaps they are both bad. That is how it is for me anyway. It

seems unbelievable, but it took me over 20 some years to realize they both were

wrong. Maybe we are dealing with Nada fleas, that black/white thinking.

>

> I just read about this phenomenon after finding the terminology on WTO. Wow -

I can't believe this exists! As if my nada hasn't put me through enough, now I

know another messed up thing she did. My parents were divorced when I was 7.

Nana constantly said bad things about my father:

>

> " He's a jerk, meany, a$$hole, SOB etc. "

> " He doesn't really want you to live with him, he just wants to get back at

me. "

> " He has no friends. "

> " He can't live without a woman. "

> " If he would've gotten custody of you, you would be mentally ill. "

> " I had to save myself by divorcing him. "

> " He wouldn't go to counseling with me "

> " He was the one who actually filed from divorce. "

> " He never changed your diapers. "

> " He wanted me barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen. "

> " He dressed you like a doll once - he didn't see you as a person. "

> :He taught you not to like my food. "

> " He doesn't know how to manage money. "

> " Nobody in the city likes him. "

> " You're just like your father... " (Only said when I was doing something she

didn't like.)

> " He was a problem with women. "

>

> She even went into details of their (bad) sex life on many occasions.

>

> If I ever did stick up for him, she would yell at me for " protecting him " .

Every effort he made with me was sabotaged by her.

>

> Until I learned about PAS, I guess I always thought she was right about him.

I thought she was protecting me by telling me the " truth " about him. Now, I am

very confused. Which is right? Is he a jerk and should I avoid him? Or should

I continue to try repairing my relationship with him? I haven't seen him for

over 10 years, but have recently started writing letters with him.

>

[Guest guest]

..Mother was very afraid of abandonment -even if the people she hated " left "

her. She too accused me of protecting my father and made it very clear that I

was to " side with her. " I recall being in the car with her as she ranted about

my Father and she slammed on the blrakes in mid traffic. It hurt me and I was

rreally terrorifed. She was scream as she lended over me and pushed open the

door. Then she was pushing me. She was still screaming, her face red and ugly.

She demanded thta either I get out of the car and never see her again or never

see my father again. I was so scared I don't know if I past out or have blacked

out the rest. I do know that I ended up in the family house with my mother.

What she said about my father was mostly true. He did beat us. He did get drunk.

He did run around with other women. He was unsuccessful financially. He did have

diagnosed depression and refused to stay on medication. He could not be counted

upon or trusted.

Did this mean that I should never see him again because she demanded it? No.

That was a decission for me me make on my own when I became an adult.

My FOO Factor has to be an all time low! LOL!

MB

[Guest guest]

Hi all,

I've been through this too. But I went out and made up my own mind. Turns out,

I'm not missing out on anything. You might not be missing out either. =)

The whole story:

Growing up, I rarely heard about my father, and my mother didn't date or have

any SOs. So it was just the two of us. What I did know about him was just all

the regular split/black talk even to the extreme that he was responsible for my

sisters death when we were little (which i still don't have the whole story that

i can believe.) I was nada's best friend and side kick as a child, of course she

didn't want competition or to share me, or me to think for myself (of course of

course!) She had already lost one daughter and my early childhood wasn't bad--so

I can't really blame her. I don't hold any negative feelings about it, but then

again, it might be because I went out and made up my own mind.

When I got out of the house about 18, I sought out my half brother and still

have a relationship with him. As I do with one of our aunts. I have met my

father a few times, and I'm not missing much. He and my mother aren't what I

want to be like in life. Both sides of my parental lineage are quite

dysfunctional, and I've conscienceless chosen to make different decisions and

take different actions in life. I have little contact with either side, and

very LC with my nada. I keep my boundaries firm, refuse to be enmeshed, and

stay on perma-medium chill. I have a few close girlfriends and a super spouse

that I rely on for support and perspective. I don't grieve for what I missed out

on in life.. " leave it to beaver " up bringing. Mostly because I know I can't

change the past. I do reflect upon it and no-holds-barred name it what it was.

I do sometimes have a longing to have a reasonable relationship right now/today

with nada now that she's 60s and I'm mid-30s. But have accepted that I cannot

change her, I am not responsible for her feelings, I cannot save/heal/rescue

her. I can only change and control my *own* behaviors. If I allow myself to be

hoovered into the guilt and enmeshed, she will take over my existence. (again,

like when i was a lil girl! doesn't that sound familiar!?!!)

[Guest guest]

Hi Kerry,

I think that you have the right to get to know your own father now that you are

an adult, and make your own decisions RE whether you think he is a good person

or not. I agree that your nada was/is engaging in parental alienation

behaviors, but its up in the air as to why she did it. It could be due to her

bpd distorted " black and white " or " all or nothing " thinking: (You are either my

beloved spouse or my hated enemy; there is no middle ground) or it could be that

he actually was or is an abusive jerk. Or both.

Please do not feel guilty about having this need to get to know your own father;

that's a deep-rooted human need that we all have. We all crave to have loving,

caring parents; its such a deep need its as though its on a molecular level.

As you gradually get to know your father, you get to decide how you feel about

him, and if he's a basically decent, good human being then I hope you can

develop a closer relationship with him.

-Annie

>

> I just read about this phenomenon after finding the terminology on WTO. Wow -

I can't believe this exists! As if my nada hasn't put me through enough, now I

know another messed up thing she did. My parents were divorced when I was 7.

Nana constantly said bad things about my father:

>

> " He's a jerk, meany, a$$hole, SOB etc. "

> " He doesn't really want you to live with him, he just wants to get back at

me. "

> " He has no friends. "

> " He can't live without a woman. "

> " If he would've gotten custody of you, you would be mentally ill. "

> " I had to save myself by divorcing him. "

> " He wouldn't go to counseling with me "

> " He was the one who actually filed from divorce. "

> " He never changed your diapers. "

> " He wanted me barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen. "

> " He dressed you like a doll once - he didn't see you as a person. "

> :He taught you not to like my food. "

> " He doesn't know how to manage money. "

> " Nobody in the city likes him. "

> " You're just like your father... " (Only said when I was doing something she

didn't like.)

> " He was a problem with women. "

>

> She even went into details of their (bad) sex life on many occasions.

>

> If I ever did stick up for him, she would yell at me for " protecting him " .

Every effort he made with me was sabotaged by her.

>

> Until I learned about PAS, I guess I always thought she was right about him.

I thought she was protecting me by telling me the " truth " about him. Now, I am

very confused. Which is right? Is he a jerk and should I avoid him? Or should

I continue to try repairing my relationship with him? I haven't seen him for

over 10 years, but have recently started writing letters with him.

>