Giving my BPD-Mom Money

[Guest guest]

After getting a birthday card from my BPD mom saying how broke she was, I

decided to start sending her $150/month. I feel a bit foolish and resentful of

this. Foolish because she sent me a crap card with no thought put into it. I

mean, who sends a birthday card saying how broke they are? Then, resentful

because of all the years (25+) she has refused to work, thus putting herself in

this current financial situation. In the end, I decided that sending the money

would help me feel less guilt over her dire situation. After all, she is

mentally ill and needs help.

Anyway, I sent the money to her yesterday and went shopping today. While I was

out, I still felt really bad about being able to buy myself things while she

remains poor.

[Guest guest]

My nada is always complaining about not having any money but the

reason she doesn't have enough money is that she spends her

money in wasteful ways. While she was still working she

certainly earned more money than I do and even when she got

fired and was collecting unemployment she probably still had

more income than I do. Now that she's living on social security

her income is lower but that doesn't stop her from impulse

buying and failing to live frugally. I figure that her choices

are her business and I'm not going to feel sorry for her if she

refuses to behave sensibly and makes bad choices.

If you can afford to send the money and it makes you feel better

to do so, I see no reason not to, but I don't think you ought to

feel guilty if you don't or can't do it. It isn't your fault

that she has spent years choosing not to work. If I chose not to

work, I'd be living in a box under a bridge somewhere.

At 12:38 AM 11/13/2012 kerryfairy wrote:

>After getting a birthday card from my BPD mom saying how broke

>she was, I decided to start sending her $150/month. I feel a

>bit foolish and resentful of this. Foolish because she sent me

>a crap card with no thought put into it. I mean, who sends a

>birthday card saying how broke they are? Then, resentful

>because of all the years (25+) she has refused to work, thus

>putting herself in this current financial situation. In the

>end, I decided that sending the money would help me feel less

>guilt over her dire situation. After all, she is mentally ill

>and needs help.

>

>Anyway, I sent the money to her yesterday and went shopping

>today. While I was out, I still felt really bad about being

>able to buy myself things while she remains poor.

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

I sympathize with you. My Nada was evicted back in June and I gave her

well over $2,000 in the last few months to get an apartment and get

situated. Well, about 2 weeks ago she called wanting me to deposit 25

dollars in her bank account and I said I could not get out do to the

hurricane. Then with everything going on I forgot about it. A few days

later she called and left me a message saying that she had no money and I

was a terrible daughter not to give her 25 dollars so I would not be getting

a bday gift this year. I called her back and told her it takes a lot of

nerve to say this stuff after all I gave you in the last months. Needless

to say it fell on deaf ears. I told her to leave me alone and hung up the

phone. My birthday came and went no gift, no card, no call..... No

surprise to me. She has never parted with a dime on my account so I am not

surprised she trumped up this excuse or argument so as not to send a

birthday gift. So typical.

Honestly, I am sick and tired of it all. I told my counselor I have

reached my limit with this and am ready to go NC again for awhile. It is

just hopeless to ever think it will change and they make life miserable.

She is unbelievably selfish.

That is my rant for the day.....

[Guest guest]

No matter how much you give, it is never enough. They always

want more. More money, more gifts, more of your time, more of

your emotional energy. They will suck you dry without ever being

satisfied.

At 05:28 PM 11/14/2012 Tracey wrote:

>I sympathize with you. My Nada was evicted back in June and I

>gave her

>well over $2,000 in the last few months to get an apartment and

>get

>situated. Well, about 2 weeks ago she called wanting me to

>deposit 25

>dollars in her bank account and I said I could not get out do

>to the

>hurricane. Then with everything going on I forgot about it. A

>few days

>later she called and left me a message saying that she had no

>money and I

>was a terrible daughter not to give her 25 dollars so I would

>not be getting

>a bday gift this year. I called her back and told her it

>takes a lot of

>nerve to say this stuff after all I gave you in the last

>months. Needless

>to say it fell on deaf ears. I told her to leave me alone and

>hung up the

>phone. My birthday came and went no gift, no card, no

>call..... No

>surprise to me. She has never parted with a dime on my

>account so I am not

>surprised she trumped up this excuse or argument so as not to

>send a

>birthday gift. So typical.

>

>

>

>Honestly, I am sick and tired of it all. I told my counselor

>I have

>reached my limit with this and am ready to go NC again for

>awhile. It is

>just hopeless to ever think it will change and they make life

>miserable.

>She is unbelievably selfish.

>

>

>

>That is my rant for the day.....

>

>

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

Hi Katrina,

You are so right...It is never enough. No matter how much you give they

want more and more. They are like a vampire sucking you dry. There is no

peace. No matter what you do you get beaten over the head about it. She

uses obligation, guilt and fear that is how she has controlled everyone all

her life. At this point I am just ready to give up. I am so tired of all

the years of emotional abuse, and nasty, selfish behavior.

What really gets me is that society expects you to put up with this because

it is your " family " member. If she wasn't my mother I would have absolutely

nothing to do with her. In fact, I would run the other way. I hate that

as an only child I feel saddled with this burden and now it is worse because

she has no one in her life anymore. She has ran them all out with her

behaviors and her alcoholism. So now it is me left here and I am feeling so

drained and I just can't keep going on doing this with her. She is getting

older and I just don't know what to do anymore. She drinks so much and is

now in financial debt. I gave her money but she just keeps asking for

more. I can't keep giving her money to keep her afloat and then if I don't

she will be evicted again. I am always caught in these no win situations

with her, and It is taking an emotional toll on me and eventually if it

doesn't stop I will have to go NC for my own well being.

It is awful the binds they put you in that you have to literally cut off

your own mother because she is trying to drain you dry. Really makes me so

angry at times.

Tracey

[Guest guest]

After reading posts for days this is the first time I am actually participating.

It has been a relief to hear others' stories, it's like reading about my own

life! I too suffer from guilt that is now greatly reduced because I bury it

thinking I've shed it but it will consume me once more especially in those

moments when I would like to do something nice for myself. My BPD mom's

inability to manage a budget on top of impulse buys, bad decisions, and chain

smoking has put her into debt AGAIN. My sister and I bail her out every time

but it has reached the point where my sister can no longer help so it rests with

me. Her thing is bouncing checks. Every time she does it, it's a $28 fine. In

the last 2 months she has racked up almost $400 worth in fines and is $600 more

in on top of that. I just sent her 2 $100 grocery store gift cards (I'm in

another country which adds to the guilt battle). Now I just don't know what to

do anymore. This battle has been going on for years. Do I let her continue to

rack up more and more debt? I have thought about giving her an emergency credit

card and tell her that each time she uses that money it takes away from the

plane ticket I am saving for to come see her (which she wants). Has anyone

tried to plan the manipulation game back and had success?

>

> After getting a birthday card from my BPD mom saying how broke she was, I

decided to start sending her $150/month. I feel a bit foolish and resentful of

this. Foolish because she sent me a crap card with no thought put into it. I

mean, who sends a birthday card saying how broke they are? Then, resentful

because of all the years (25+) she has refused to work, thus putting herself in

this current financial situation. In the end, I decided that sending the money

would help me feel less guilt over her dire situation. After all, she is

mentally ill and needs help.

>

> Anyway, I sent the money to her yesterday and went shopping today. While I

was out, I still felt really bad about being able to buy myself things while she

remains poor.

>

[Guest guest]

There must be something in the air... my nada has been complaining non-stop

about how poor they are and they have maxed out every credit card

(according to her) and are very deep in debt since they have HAD to do

renovations on the house and are behind the 8 ball because 3 years ago they

bought a condo for my drug addict brother and his equally co-dependent drug

addict girlfriend. Well the two of them agreed to pay $1200 per month for

the place which included everything...insurance, gas and electric, cable,

trash, water and sewer etc. etc. (Not sure what nada and fada was

thinking...all they did was sit around and get high and neither one of them

work) Well surprise, surprise the didn't pay jack so my parents paid all of

those bills AND was giving them $600 per week to live off of....AND was

taking my brother to the grocery store once per week and shelling out

$200-$300 for groceries for them. They finally broke up and my parents

found out the condo was TRASHED. So they have had to gut the place and are

re-establishing it with the hopes of selling it. She was crying over the

face that their stove went up 2 weeks ago and supposedly they don't have

the money to buy a new one so they have been going out to eat. ( Which

makes no sense to me because the burners still work and she has a toaster

oven and a top-of-the-line microwave...plus a foreman grill, a rotisserie

for chicken and poultry and a $1200 grill out back. (Which is ours but our

neighborhood association will boy allow them here) So boo-hoo-hoo.... " we

don't even have the means of making a meal " and I just couldn't stop

myself...I had a momentary lapse of sanity and before I could stop myself I

allowed her to hoover me back in and next thing I knew I was inviting them

to our house for Thanksgiving. Dumb, dumb, dumb! So she accepted my offer

night before last and then I found out from my daughter that nada is giving

my bro $150 per day for beer, drugs, starbucks and whatever he wants to eat

which is usually steak or lobster or BOTH! This morning I got a pm on my

facebook page that she and fada took out 3 other couples to OUTBACK last

night ...their treat and tipped the waitress $100! (Their waitress is who

pm'd me--i was her cheerleading coach in high school) Meanwhile, my husband

is working two jobs AND we have to go to the freakin' food bank for food

and our church supplies us with 2 large casserolles every month! We shelled

out $100 for a gift certificate for them to a nice restaurant and they

haven't even used it and it expires on December 7th. I am half tempted to

ask for it back. My husband's birthday is the 6th. I could take him out to

a nice dinner at the inner harbor. Last night we went to the pawn shop and

pawned my husband's stereo, ALL of our jewelry (including all he had left

from his late father) a charcoal grill, a small generator and 2 Televisions

just to have enough money to go pick up my daughter from WVU on Friday.

Meanwhile, they were out stuffing their face with steak and shrimp. Payday

is today, which is a good thing because I haven't had anything to eat since

Sunday and hubby didn't eat yesterday. I never thought I would be so eager

to eat Pb&j! We couldn't dip into the money we got from the pawn shop

because hubby had to go straight to work and didn't get off until after

midnight. It's insane.

That's ok though because my conscious is clear and I am a heavy believer in

karma. As a Christian woman I am doing the right thing so my approval will

come from the only one that matters when my judgement day arrives. Plus,

she is on my turf now....she either behaves or I will kick them out. I've

done it before to my in-laws and I will do it again!! I'm just not sure

when I am going to stop kicking myself for allowing her to hoover me back

in. Oh well..you live ya learn I guess!

~~Bunny

>

>

> After getting a birthday card from my BPD mom saying how broke she was, I

decided to start sending her $150/month. I feel a bit foolish and resentful

of this. Foolish because she sent me a crap card with no thought put into

it. I mean, who sends a birthday card saying how broke they are? Then,

resentful because of all the years (25+) she has refused to work, thus

putting herself in this current financial situation. In the end, I decided

that sending the money would help me feel less guilt over her dire

situation. After all, she is mentally ill and needs help.

>

> Anyway, I sent the money to her yesterday and went shopping today. While

I was out, I still felt really bad about being able to buy myself things

while she remains poor.

>

>

--

Kisses and Nibbles,

Bunny