Going NC or Low Contact, Need advice

[Guest guest]

Hi Everyone,

I am considering going NC for awhile. I am wondering if those who are NC or

very LC could share how you did it and made it livable for yourself. What I

mean is do you change your phone number or block their numbers? DO you just

ignore their phone calls and voicemails? DO you only give them one number to

call like a cell instead of home?

My Nada will call and call she is relentless so I am not sure how to deal with

it. In the past I went NC once for a few years but I had moved so she didn't

have my address or phone number now she has both plus my cell number and her MO

is to call and leave drunk nasty messages etc. I am not sure how to handle the

mechanics of going NC and could really use some advice from others who are

doing it. Low Contact is also an option but I have to figure out how to really

keep her at bay because she has all my numbers and my address. I want to create

some barriers to her having access to me and destroying my holidays and my

mental well being. Luckily she lives a 24 hour drive away.....But she has been

known to show up on my door step. My concern is that I am the only child and

she is 67 years old so I feel bad doing it but I just can't take the drunk calls

and drama anymore, I need a break or at the very least very limited contact.

Anyway,,,If any of you could offer advice I would be very appreciative.

Tracey

[Guest guest]

Hi Tracey,

I eased into NC in phases, during which it became more and more evident that

full NC was going to be necessary. I also never formally announced NC--this was

best for me, because I knew both parents would go nuts with a formal

announcement, using it to try and enlist flying monkeys, using it as an excuse

to thrwart my request and contact me as much as possible, and other similar

behaviors. But it seems you have already made a decision for full NC, so here

are some techniques I've found effective.

AT&T has a service called 'smart limits'. You can block up to 21 specific

numbers from calling or texting your phone. My entire immediate family is

blocked. I also never answer any number from my home state unless I recognize

it. I almost never answer local calls I do not recognize.

Noone except extremely trusted friends has my home address. My home address is

not available anywhere on the internet.

Every close family member is blocked on facebook. No relatives have friend

requests granted. Noone who nada has access to can see my status updates.

Nada and fada are both automatically deleted and/or sent to junk mail in every

email account I have. Their emails are NEVER ANSWERED. I sometimes answer my

siblings' emails but I never give them any information about myself.

I never say anything about nada/immediate family to any family member in any

email message. I very rarely respond to any of their email messages. I never

call any of them, nor do I take their calls. (they could put nada on the phone,

and nada answers other peoples' phones anyway).

I used to sometimes send cards to my grandparents or siblings--when I do that, I

use a business address that is a PO Box.

It is coming to the point soon where my business address might be listed

online--if that is the case then I might give instructions to the front desk

that I do NOT accept unannounced visitors. My parents live quite far from me,

too, but there is always a fear they will show up at my business door.

Many of my relatives, especially on nada's side, do not have personality

disorders, and have not tried to push any boundaries with me, at all. For that

I am grateful. Maybe one day I'll be able to see or communicate with some of

them again. But for now--EVEN many years later, I am still not willing to have

any contact with nada. This may be related to my ongoing financial crisis, set

up over decades by an extremely financially abusive fada to explode if I ever

attempted to sever from them. For others who do not have my financial

challenges, limited contact might be possible after basic physical, emotional

and financial safety are establihed. But for me, this is what it looks like.

And it works.

>

> Hi Everyone,

>

> I am considering going NC for awhile. I am wondering if those who are NC or

very LC could share how you did it and made it livable for yourself. What I

mean is do you change your phone number or block their numbers? DO you just

ignore their phone calls and voicemails? DO you only give them one number to

call like a cell instead of home?

>

> My Nada will call and call she is relentless so I am not sure how to deal

with it. In the past I went NC once for a few years but I had moved so she

didn't have my address or phone number now she has both plus my cell number and

her MO is to call and leave drunk nasty messages etc. I am not sure how to

handle the mechanics of going NC and could really use some advice from others

who are doing it. Low Contact is also an option but I have to figure out how

to really keep her at bay because she has all my numbers and my address. I want

to create some barriers to her having access to me and destroying my holidays

and my mental well being. Luckily she lives a 24 hour drive away.....But she

has been known to show up on my door step. My concern is that I am the only

child and she is 67 years old so I feel bad doing it but I just can't take the

drunk calls and drama anymore, I need a break or at the very least very limited

contact.

>

> Anyway,,,If any of you could offer advice I would be very appreciative.

>

> Tracey

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Charlotte,

Thanks for the great information. As of today I am just contemplating going

total NC but I think it will evolve into that in the near future. For now I am

just not answering her calls but I know she won't stop and will continue to

leave nasty, drunk messages every night. The more I don't answer the more she

will call and it will be 4 or 5 messages a night running out my answering

machine.

I can ignore the phone and delete the messages but it starts to make me crazy

after awile and I will need to block her. Unfortanately, she will still have my

address but we do live a thousand miles away so the distance makes it hard for

her to come here but she did it once years ago when she was evicted so I put

nothing past her.

I went NC for years after I moved and she didn't have my numbers or address.

Now I am sorry I reconnected again after my father passed.

It has been total hell and I am just at my wit's end with her.

Thank You for sharing.

[Guest guest]

I went NC about a month ago from a couple months of LC. However, my nada is

not the invasive type she is the " Queen " who waits for her subjects to

acknowledge her. However, I did block her on my phone and e-mail - which is

very easy to do. So, I don't have to worry about when I might see something

and have the discipline not to read it - it would be too tempting not to

listen to a voice mail message even if I don't intend to return the call.

Also, it makes my heart skip beats to see her on the caller ID or e-mail

list so blocking is the most healthy thing for me.

As far as your address I don't think there is anything you can do but intend

NOT to answer the door if she shows up. I imagine if she really has issues

with holidays she may do just that so you'll want to think through the 15

different possible scenarios and have a plan of action (like running out the

back door to a neighbor's) if she does show up.

Good luck with your NC. It has been the best thing for me and I'm finally

looking forward to the holidays for the 1st time. J

jwjrenslow@...> jwjrenslow@...

[Guest guest]

Thanks . Yes, you are so right when you say " it is tempting to listen

to the voicemail: so I think blocking is probably best. I also get very

unnerved by seeing her calls on the caller ID.

I tried to have a conversation with her yesterday and explain why I can't go

on with this mother/daughter relationship the way it is and it just ended in

her screaming at me and putting me down etc. I have since decided NC is the

only way to go for now. She just refuses to listen to me and my concerns.

She said yesterday, " that is why you have children so they can take care of

you and help you " , and " that I should be glad to keep giving her money since

I don't have any children I should be happy to give my money to her " ....she

believes this stuff wholeheartedly. Fails to see that she is an active

alcoholic and I am sick of giving my money to funding her habit.

She is also a Queen type but can switch in to other modes when she needs.

She is very ungrateful for everything I have given her and only expects more

and more while giving nothing in return. She also feels that I should not

expect anything in return. As her daughter I owe her everything and she

owes me nothing. That is how she views it.

I believe she is not just BPD but also very Narcisstic. Always has been.

The minute she doesn't get her way she verbally attacks and can even get

physical when it escalates. She reigns by terror. She has been doing this

for her whole life and getting away with it. But now there is no one left

and she has lost control over all the " subjects " .

Thank you for sharing how you do NC.

Tracey

[Guest guest]

Tracey,

You're absolutely right that they believe you owe them everything and they

owe you nothing. They really believe all the crazy-ness they dish out and

honestly do not understand why everyone doesn't just do what they say. My

nada would not " listen " (mine was via e-mail) and disregarded everything I

said as my just harboring some distant hurt that neither of us really

understand. NC is the only option that I can live with. I hope it works

out for you. . .

jwjrenslow@...> jwjrenslow@...