Breaking NC- need help

November 15, 2012

I have been NC with my FOO since 2009. I was a member of this board when it was

part of BPD central, left for some time, and now am in need of help. My mom is

BPD, diagnosed but not treated. My dad and brother are enmeshed and enablers. I

" left " the family in 2005 when I announced my engagement and my mom lost it. She

threatened me, stalked me and DH via phone and e-mail, took every ounce of

support away that was possible etc. I was a whore, selfish, brainwashed...my

husband was evil, controlling and a pervert. My dad and brother sided with my

mom and begged me to just come home without DH to " work things out " . I refused.

My mom is also an alcoholic and has embraced Jesus and fundamentalist

Christianity as a way to justify her behavior. If God is on her side, she can't

be wrong.

Fast forward to two weeks ago. My 93yo paternal grandmother, my only living

grandparent, is in hospice. She has never met my daughter. On her death bed, she

has asked to see me for the first time since 2005 and my daughter for the first

time ever. She is not involved with my FOO's issues as my mom, dad and en-bro do

a great job of hiding these things.

DH and I have booked plane tickets and a hotel 1.5 hours from my parents house

in order to travel over Thanksgiving to see my grandmother. We will arrive Wed

morning and leave Fri afternoon. It was the only time we could go. I know that

we will see my FOO during this time, even if just at the hospital.

The issue really arose from a phone call I got this morning from en-bro

encouraging me to come home and " act with humility " and just let mom " get

everything off her chest " . He proceeded to remind me about how selfish I was for

getting married alone, how wrong I am to not think so, and that I broke

everyone's heart. I told him that I will not allow mom to treat me or my family

in any disrespectful way, and, regardless of how much she has done for me in my

life, she is not owed or entitled to act any way she wants or to intentionally

hurt people because of " her feelings " . He believes that because she is our

mother that we should do anything for her, including allowing her to go postal

and be verbally and emotionally abusive. He said that none of us are without sin

and that I basically have earned any abuse my mom is preparing to dish out, and

as a result, I should just take it.

Anyway, so nothing has changed in my FOO dynamic in the past 7 years, other than

that I am no longer there to be part of it. Now I HUGELY regret the decision to

take my family's time and money to go up there to say goodbye to my grandmother

because I feel like I just paid $600 to sign my family up for a ride on the

crazy train. I am also consumed with guilt because my daughter has never met her

great grandmother and that I have effectively alienated myself from members of

my extended family to keep my BPD mom out of my life.

The one good thing is that by staying 1.5 hrs away, we can basically avoid my

FOO if things go horribly and still have a half decent trip except for visiting

my grandmother in hospice.

I just needed to share all of this with people who understand what it is like to

have these major life events happen with a BPD involved.

November 16, 2012

HOLY COW Summerb2384,

Um, I'm a call-it-like-it-is kinda gal, and I call BS all over your brothers

guilt trip!! I'm pretty forward and would have told him to go F%(# himself and

shove his obligation guilt-trip up his enmeshed @ss, hung up on him and blocked

his phone number, his email, his Facebook. Heavens NO do not not not fall down

on your knees and repent, do not accept all the rage and guilt and shame she

will inevitably rain down upon you. Do NOOOOT resume your subservient position

in the messed up dynamic. Then when the flying monkeys come to attack, oh and

they will!, I'd tell them they only knew half the situation so get off my back

and I'd hang up on them and block them too. But I'm pretty blunt and take very

little crap that I don't deserve. Yes yes, it's one of my character flaws or

maybe a personality trait of strength--depending upon how ya look at it.

You are entitled to visit your family and not to visit your family, as YOU so

desire and as you so decide. If you don't want to get cornered by the flying

attack monkeys, don't make plans to see them. And certainly don't go anywhere

private with them if you have to spend time w them! (maybe coffee shops or

restaurants as nadas and their flying monkeys seem to behave in public) You are

soooo right that nothing has changed for them in the last 7 years. Nothing will

change in their dysfunction EVER. You can only change your life! You can only

save yourself, your spouse, and YOUR DAUGHTER. And as for the guilt over

alienating yourself and daughter from your dysfunctional, abusive, awful family

members? Let go of that guilt, you can't do much else to escape the relentless

nada and family of flying monkeys except cut. them. off. It was what you needed

to do then to protect your family, you can't change the past, and look! No

damage to your child today, Yay that's a win for the next generation. I hope

you have a decent time wading through the drama that's bearing down on you like

a huge freight train. I agree that you jumped on the crazy train speeding you

back to your FOO dysfunction. But, unfortunately, sometimes it is necessary.

However, this time *you've* changed. I encourage you and your spouse to stay

together physically and emotionally, have a plan of escape if you can't change

the subject to avoid heavy engagement, keep medium chill and in control of your

emotions (yes, yes, extremely hard) as she will try to take advantage of your

grieving state. Don't allow them to 'divide and conquer' you and your

spouse/child. If nada does try something in public, simply saying something like

this might work, " Look, I'm not doing this now here. People are watching us and

/or Looking at you. I'm going to get a cup of coffee/a soda/a newspaper/to check

my phone messages/etc and will be back in a few minutes. Come on, honey

(spouse), darling (child). Let's go now. "

Best of luck in OZ!

November 18, 2012

I'm only responding to ask questions and offer no suggestions because I'm still

so new to this. From what you wrote my husband (his NADA) and I experienced very

similiar things when we got engaged. We are still in contact with them and

setting up boundaries though he has recently discussed NC for the benefit of our

relationship/marriage.

At what point did you make that decision? and what point did the safety of your

child come into play? (I only ask because that's a major concern of mine in

contemplating having children)

I have to give you major credit for a) putting yourself your marriage and your

child first being a SO of KO it's clear the years of guilt and obligation that

is enmeshed in them and how hard it is to really become your own person and do

what makes you feel for your own self. You are doing what you need to do and

everything you are capable of and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

You are a person with a right to your own feelings and a right to protect them.

>

> HOLY COW Summerb2384,

> Um, I'm a call-it-like-it-is kinda gal, and I call BS all over your brothers