NC or Low Contact advice n suggestions

[Guest guest]

Hi Tracey,

OHOH, my best advice is let go of the guilt, first and foremost! You've been

programmed to emotionally cower and serve nada. Time to stop! (yea, way easier

SAID than DONE!) You have the right (and responsibility to yourself) to take

care of your own emotional and mental health. I've come to realize that in life,

you only have a limited about of energy and time…it's up to you how you want to

exert your energy. This includes mental, emotional, physical…it's yours to

decide how to spend it. You can save it up, and you can't get it back, and it's

precious…some days you have more than others! I'm an only child also, and nada

has cut everyone else off in her life (friends, fam, neighbors, groups, social,

etc) so feel some of this obligation guilt too. But I can't drown myself trying

to save her, and she keeps making imo bad choices. If you flip out at my spouse

for ruining your flowers when you asked him to blower your leaves up Nov of last

year, it is reasonable he's going to come save you this year and blower your

leaves again--right? Wrong-o! Again, this blow up was discussed/debriefed via

email so it's dated and in black and white. No gas lighting/misremembers excuse

available… If you blame me for sabotaging your internet access and computer, you

can't expect me to come install software or pictures of the kids on your screen

saver next week…really? OH, and I learned the hard way not to accept/share/give

money to people with BPD or their flying monkeys. ugh. I can go on and

on…*can't we all!?!*

Anyhow, I'm all she has and she's aging and her needs are changing. She's only

60 but physically/medically she's much much older. But still, my

responsibilities only go so far, I learn my lessons, and I hold my boundaries

rigid. Boundaries…yes, that was the point of all of that! =) You need to reflect

and evaluate what your boundaries will be, and what your actions will be when

the boundaries are violated. Because she will violate them. BPDs can't

understand that she ends and you begin as an individual. Life is all about them,

BPDs just have no capability for sincere empathy. Unfortunate for them, and for

us who remain in contact with them.

LC takes some continual management, however, is less stressful! I am very LC

with my nada, and I found it easier for me to write a letter explaining the

behaviors that were unacceptable and what the consequences of bad behavior. I

printed it out for her and emailed it to her. I put it in black and white

because 1. I wanted a record of exactly what/how/when I said what/how. Nada has

a way of warping/misunderstanding/gas lighting, you know… 2. I wanted her to

have a permanent copy so SHE could go back and re-read with exactly

what/how/when I said what. 3. This was very passive and didn't open the door to

a 'conversation' w her, which really just means her manipulating, guilt

tripping, redirecting and avoiding, morphing the whole 'conversation' into

whatever she wants it to be. A letter basically allows for no conflict and NO

opportunity for her to flip out on me. Works for me since I can't take the

personal flip outs. I just can't, I know myself and my limits, and what it does

to me for the next few weeks. I am not allowing this to happen to me anymore so

I refuse to engage or participate or receive her toxicity. I do write reminders

every so often (seems to be cyclical at 3 mo) fine tuning what ever new

unacceptable/inappropriate BPD behaviors/tactics/strategies she is now

employing. Continual maintenance, yes. So, for example, the letter could address

But I offer no long drawn out J.A.D.E.

because she won't take it to heart like a normal person (she has no capacity)

and will only turn around and use it as ammmo to attack/fuel the fires. Letter

might say " if she just drops by without calling I'm not going to invite her in

when I open the door to answer it... even when the kids start screaming behind

me. So, please don't just drop in as we both don't want the children to go

thorough that.] I'd never give her permission to just drop by if she did call

up. And of course she violated set boundaries and created these situations. Ugh.

And, yes, it was hard to maintain my boundaries even with 3 screaming crying

toddlers pushing on me to see their gma and her crying and reaching for

them...but necessary. And yes, I even had to enforce the toughest (for her)

consequence I set in place. NC for a month, then she violated that *of course*,

and NC went on an additional month. So yes, continual maintenance and

management. I'll be happy to send you my letters to her if you'd like. It's just

ridiculous to have to do all this, but then, the FOG sets in, and NC is out of

the question and I realize boundaries and LC are the only protection I really

have. And I keep on keeping on…jade, medium chill, LC, forum!

From what you shared in your email, I'd suggest that you set up a rule about

hours of acceptable calls, something about if you get a message between the

times of #-#, you're not going to listen to the message at all. Then when you do

get one in the off-limit time frame --and you will-- DON'T listen to it, just

delete it. Set up a rule of 'Call once, I'll get back to you with in 36 hours.

But if you call a second time, I will delete the messages and not call/nor see

you for 3 days. If you call three times, I am not calling you back/nor seeing

you for a week.' Then make sure you count the HOURS bc she will be, and DO call

her back with in the set time. Try that, and after you have not been in contact

twice (two violations) for week long periods, change the rule and make it if she

calls three times you're blocking her phone number and won't call her back for

two weeks. (or more??) If she shows up with out calling and arranging it with

you *in advance*, you won't see her right then, but will make an appt to see her

on the weekend. Keep your foot behind the door, and do not cave in to her

demands when she shows up. (Mine has actually pushed me out of the way and blown

right through the open doorway. Then took her leisure to leave when I demanded

she leave immediately.) I had to establish (on the record, again) the just

dropping by rule then. And teach myself to block the door for next time.

Then follow through on the consequences, cuz she'll test your boundary. Just

like a 3 year old!!

Geez, I'm reading this looong email and wondering 'who lives like this!' But

then, I guess, that's why I'm part of our forum, cuz WE live with this crap.

*grumble*

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

Wow,,,that sound like an incredible amount of work! My Nada lives far

away so the boundaries are a little easier to set because she can't just

show up here (though she did that once) but anyway I will be honest and say

I don't have the stamina to do all that boundary setting anymore because it

never worked with her and she just drove me crazy plus she is an alcoholic

so it is more than just BPD. It is a whole range of problems and issues of

which she refuses to do anything about except blame every one else.

I have come to the decision after our " talk " yesterday that I need NC for

awhile. I just can't take it anymore it is just way too much stress in my

life. Yes, I will feel some guilt but I would rather feel the guilt than

continue to be losing sleep, stressed out, and ruining my other

relationships because I am always on edge from her crazy making behaviors.

It has to stop and I have to be the one to do it because she won't.

Here is what I said to her on the phone yesterday,

I love you and respect you as my parent but our relationship is toxic and

unless you're willing to seek help for your drinking, and prove to me in

both words and actions that you are willing to change the way you treat me,

I cannot continue to have contact with you.

She won't ballistic of course, and I had to hang up the phone. So for me

now it is just a matter of sticking with the NC and moving forward with my

life.

I am grateful to have all of you and this forum for support!

[Guest guest]

Good luck with this. You have nothing to feel guilty about in my opinion.