When You Realize Love Wasn't (HELP needed PLEASE!)

[Guest guest]

While I grew up knowing of nada's BPD diagnosis and alcoholism, my Light Bulb

Moment of actually realizing that she was mentally ill came AFTER her death this

August. I had been NC for a number of years due to violence, lies, and lack of

respect for my boundaries/property/safety/marriage/you name it. The one great

moment of closure was the coroner's assistant lowering his eyes in embarrassment

and uttering, You know of course that your mother was an alcoholic. " I could

have kissed him. It was the first time a medical professional ever acknowledged

nada's problems to my face. He seemed shocked at my gratitude, as if I was the

first person to ever feel this way.

Besides myself and my husband, only two other people showed up at nada's Mass.

There should be no blame assigned. Nada tried other's horribly. She told her

neighbor's that she had no family and disowned us and her best friend in her

holographic will. She was cheap and bitter until the end. All that is left now

it my attempt to make sense of the senseless.

It feels like nothing was ever " real. " What I thought were shows of maternal

affection were in reality symptoms of BPD. When nada was in Queen mode, she used

me as her " best friend " and often took me out drinking with her. We were in

numerous wrecks after these binges. At home nada discussed her sex life with me

even dressing in her crotchless lingerie (very surreal and boarding on sexually

abusive episodes). Nada would rage that I was stupid and worthless because I did

poorly in school yet often pulled me out of school unannounced to travel with

her to cities that were several hundred miles distant. Once there we would shop

like there was no tomorrow and eat at world renown restaurants. I thought this

meant that she really did love me and all the public humiliation, beatings,

refusal to allow me to have friends, and locking me in unheated rooms with no

food or clothing for days on end were just part of the alcoholism. I know now

that it was all part of her BPD cycle.

Now I know that due to the nature of nada's illness, she confused control and

obsession with love. If my primary bond, the relationship that taught the

definition of love, was in reality a relationship with a mentally deluded

individual, do I know what love is? Can I trust myself? Am I, a woman who never

knew love from a parent, capable of offering love to others?

Has anyone else been through these feelings? Please tell me how you dealt with

them.

I'm also wondering if the dread and disappointment I feel about holidays is

because nada always over did them. Even an event as small as Lincoln's Birthday

would be met with an extravagant meal and hours spent creating a dessert known

as a " Lincoln Log " that was a type of jelly roll iced and decorated to resemble

a rough cut log. On birthdays and Christmas there would be such an abundance of

gifts and food that I doubt any professional event planner could ever match that

which nada created. This was usually followed by nada's rage because no amount

of thanks, gratitude, or praise was equal to what nada expected. Does this sound

familiar to anyone else?

I'm feeling very cut off from people who have lead normal lives. It is a matter

of shame. Normal people can not understand or believe me because their

relationships with their parents were healthy. They can not comprehend of a

parent that would act in such a manner. WTO is my life line. Please tell me how

the unlearning and relearning begins. I really need your help please. I need to

stop living in echos of the past " crazy life. "

Thank you for time and replies,

Beth

[Guest guest]

I relate to this and I have been thinking about your idea that they confuse

control and obsession for love. Because we are conditioned to believe

control and obsession are love we search for " bad love " which is really a

toxic poison. I struggle with this as well. Real love is obvious when you

see it and I believe rarer than bad " love " . I guess we just have to

overwrite our original impulse to find someone to be controlling and

obsessive with us.

A revelation I had: I have felt loved by people who were controlling and

obsessive with me. When a character disordered person targets us for their

abuse/control/obsession that for that time is their " love " . At this time

they are putting us in the place of the parent of the time when they were

3-6 years old. That's when their personality crumbled and their false sense

began. The false self was a way of trying to get their parent to love them.

But it was their parent who in some way in their mind broke them down into

being a false person. The charactered disordered person wants nothing more

than to attain the love of that parent but the character disordered person

also needs revenge against that parent for the erection of the false self.

Since the " real " person stopped growing at around 3-6 years, they are stuck

in the trauma that gave rise to the false self. Since nothing is dealt with

all the pain of the trauma is always with the charactered disordered

person. The solution for them is to not let anyone else get close and if

someone does get close they must be controlled. So the character disordered

person only sees the parent of when they were little when they " love " as

adults. We as KOs must act as punching bag for the frustrations that the

disordered people are incapable of releasing because they are stuck in

their trauma, which is why they act like unhappy babies.

Any thoughts? Don't mean to hijack your thread but I believe it was your

thought of them confusing control/obsession for love that lead me to this

thought so thanks.

In other words, we were loved because they saw their parents (in us) who

they did actually love. And they hated us for things we didn't do. And they

never really saw us for who we are just as the parents they adored and

despised.

> **

>

>

> While I grew up knowing of nada's BPD diagnosis and alcoholism, my Light

> Bulb Moment of actually realizing that she was mentally ill came AFTER her

> death this August. I had been NC for a number of years due to violence,

> lies, and lack of respect for my boundaries/property/safety/marriage/you

> name it. The one great moment of closure was the coroner's assistant

> lowering his eyes in embarrassment and uttering, You know of course that

> your mother was an alcoholic. " I could have kissed him. It was the first

> time a medical professional ever acknowledged nada's problems to my face.

> He seemed shocked at my gratitude, as if I was the first person to ever

> feel this way.

>

> Besides myself and my husband, only two other people showed up at nada's

> Mass. There should be no blame assigned. Nada tried other's horribly. She

> told her neighbor's that she had no family and disowned us and her best

> friend in her holographic will. She was cheap and bitter until the end. All

> that is left now it my attempt to make sense of the senseless.

>

> It feels like nothing was ever " real. " What I thought were shows of

> maternal affection were in reality symptoms of BPD. When nada was in Queen

> mode, she used me as her " best friend " and often took me out drinking with

> her. We were in numerous wrecks after these binges. At home nada discussed

> her sex life with me even dressing in her crotchless lingerie (very surreal

> and boarding on sexually abusive episodes). Nada would rage that I was

> stupid and worthless because I did poorly in school yet often pulled me out

> of school unannounced to travel with her to cities that were several

> hundred miles distant. Once there we would shop like there was no tomorrow

> and eat at world renown restaurants. I thought this meant that she really

> did love me and all the public humiliation, beatings, refusal to allow me

> to have friends, and locking me in unheated rooms with no food or clothing

> for days on end were just part of the alcoholism. I know now that it was

> all part of her BPD cycle.

>

> Now I know that due to the nature of nada's illness, she confused control

> and obsession with love. If my primary bond, the relationship that taught

> the definition of love, was in reality a relationship with a mentally

> deluded individual, do I know what love is? Can I trust myself? Am I, a

> woman who never knew love from a parent, capable of offering love to

> others?

>

> Has anyone else been through these feelings? Please tell me how you dealt

> with them.

>

> I'm also wondering if the dread and disappointment I feel about holidays

> is because nada always over did them. Even an event as small as Lincoln's

> Birthday would be met with an extravagant meal and hours spent creating a

> dessert known as a " Lincoln Log " that was a type of jelly roll iced and

> decorated to resemble a rough cut log. On birthdays and Christmas there

> would be such an abundance of gifts and food that I doubt any professional

> event planner could ever match that which nada created. This was usually

> followed by nada's rage because no amount of thanks, gratitude, or praise

> was equal to what nada expected. Does this sound familiar to anyone else?

>

> I'm feeling very cut off from people who have lead normal lives. It is a

> matter of shame. Normal people can not understand or believe me because

> their relationships with their parents were healthy. They can not

> comprehend of a parent that would act in such a manner. WTO is my life

> line. Please tell me how the unlearning and relearning begins. I really

> need your help please. I need to stop living in echos of the past " crazy

> life. "

>

> Thank you for time and replies,

>

> Beth

>

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you Millicnet! Your reply hit a cord for me. I've discovered that the

more that I work on healing myself the more I am capable of giving and

recieving " real/normal/healthy " love.

When I first escaped my BPD nada and went NC with my FOO I found myself very

frightened and alone. I was in a new state, both figuratively and literally,

putting myself through college, therapy, and the 12 steps of Al-Anon. My

first college boyfriend and I developed a relationship very quickly. I was

desparte for affection. This should have been a red flag but what did I

knowback then? At the end of the school year we rented an apartment

together. I was thrilled that he wanted to live together because I had no

one and no where to go. He told me her was " tight on funds " and I ended up

paying all the rent as he repeatly promised to pay me back. Meanwhiile, he

spent his time smoking pot and " hanging " with his friends. When I pushed him

to find a job and comtribute financially, the battering began. Finally, I

woke up to realitiy with the help of therapy and ended the relationship.

However, he began to stalk me and it took both legal action and moving

several times before he faded out of my life.

My second college relationship was with a much older man. This should have

also been a red flag yet, I still had a mixed up understanding of what was

normal . I though he would offer stability but mistook NPD for normality. He

seemed to be dealing with his mid-life by purchasing a flashly red sports

car and having me on his arm. He was very jealous and controlling and went

into rages if a male classmate was so much as seen speaking to me. After

life with BPD nada and clinically depressed fada this boyfriend certainly

fit the scope of what my old normal had been when living with my FOO. Thanks

to the on going counseling I slowly realized that I was setting myself up

for disaster again and that this unhealthy relationship was going nowhere

fast. With less grace that I care to admit, I ended this relationship by

moving out with money provided by my maternal grandfather.

I lived alone in my own tiny, run down studio apartment and focused on my

education, therapy and working Al-Anon. I met my very normal husband during

a weekend workshop for teachers. We're nearing our 25th Aniversary. Our

lives are serene, rather uneventful, and devoted to social justice. When I

feel the past boiling up, we see a therapist together or I visit Al-Anon or

ACA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) meeting alone. While I am more healthy

than I have ever been, I still have FLEAS (learned behaviors from my FOO

that I would like to get rid of) and tend to isolate myself to avoid

confrontations with others. I am very slow to trust or feel comfortable

around adults. As always, I have to keep working on healthy. At times like

this (dealing with nada's death) it becomes draining and vexing. It's way

too tempting to fall into Waif patterns and I an NOT going to allow myself

to go there!

Thank you again!

MB

[Guest guest]

Thank you! This is quite the issue. I think part of why we yearn for bad

love is that fact that we want to get it right this time. Repetition

compulsion.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Repetition_compulsion

> **

>

>

> Thank you Millicnet! Your reply hit a cord for me. I've discovered that

> the

> more that I work on healing myself the more I am capable of giving and

> recieving " real/normal/healthy " love.

>

> When I first escaped my BPD nada and went NC with my FOO I found myself

> very

> frightened and alone. I was in a new state, both figuratively and

> literally,

> putting myself through college, therapy, and the 12 steps of Al-Anon. My

> first college boyfriend and I developed a relationship very quickly. I was

> desparte for affection. This should have been a red flag but what did I

> knowback then? At the end of the school year we rented an apartment

> together. I was thrilled that he wanted to live together because I had no

> one and no where to go. He told me her was " tight on funds " and I ended up

> paying all the rent as he repeatly promised to pay me back. Meanwhiile, he

> spent his time smoking pot and " hanging " with his friends. When I pushed

> him

> to find a job and comtribute financially, the battering began. Finally, I

> woke up to realitiy with the help of therapy and ended the relationship.

> However, he began to stalk me and it took both legal action and moving

> several times before he faded out of my life.

>

> My second college relationship was with a much older man. This should have

> also been a red flag yet, I still had a mixed up understanding of what was

> normal . I though he would offer stability but mistook NPD for normality.

> He

> seemed to be dealing with his mid-life by purchasing a flashly red sports

> car and having me on his arm. He was very jealous and controlling and went

> into rages if a male classmate was so much as seen speaking to me. After

> life with BPD nada and clinically depressed fada this boyfriend certainly

> fit the scope of what my old normal had been when living with my FOO.

> Thanks

> to the on going counseling I slowly realized that I was setting myself up

> for disaster again and that this unhealthy relationship was going nowhere

> fast. With less grace that I care to admit, I ended this relationship by

> moving out with money provided by my maternal grandfather.

>

> I lived alone in my own tiny, run down studio apartment and focused on my

> education, therapy and working Al-Anon. I met my very normal husband

> during

> a weekend workshop for teachers. We're nearing our 25th Aniversary. Our

> lives are serene, rather uneventful, and devoted to social justice. When I

> feel the past boiling up, we see a therapist together or I visit Al-Anon

> or

> ACA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) meeting alone. While I am more healthy

> than I have ever been, I still have FLEAS (learned behaviors from my FOO

> that I would like to get rid of) and tend to isolate myself to avoid

> confrontations with others. I am very slow to trust or feel comfortable

> around adults. As always, I have to keep working on healthy. At times like

> this (dealing with nada's death) it becomes draining and vexing. It's way

> too tempting to fall into Waif patterns and I an NOT going to allow myself

> to go there!

>

> Thank you again!

> MB

>

>

>