Son of a BP Mother (Buffet Fans?) - Question for Others

[Guest guest]

Hi, I just joined this site, and I'm the son of a BP mother.

About 9 months ago ended the second of two relationships I have had with

seemingly intelligent, beautiful, and stable women, who turned out to be

completely disconnected to reality - one week telling me how happy they were to

be with someone so wonderful, the next week accusing me cruelly of things

completely ridiculous and contrived.

I was so torn apart by their absurd and fallacious behavior that I was compelled

to speak with someone qualified about it. It took practically no time at all to

identify these women as intense BPs, and then to connect their behavior with

that of my mother. I had my light bulb moment so intensely thereafter that it

almost made me sick. I had absorbed enormous amounts of guilt in my life, and I

had done it completely unawares. I realized I have practically zero emotional

limits with troubled women, and when they lose their mind and start accusing me

of things, I almost lose mine as well. For someone fairly observant and

intelligent, realizing my complete ignorance of this part of me was extremely

disconcerting.

I have had plenty of good relationships with other women in my life, I'm not

just a jaded soul who sees BP in every woman he meets. But what frightens me is

that the two women I have felt most strongly about were both completely

incapable of a mature, caring, or happy relationship. I'm almost 30 now and I

can't even imagine a woman that would be both attractive to me and remotely

stable enough to consider getting to know.

So, just wondering, can anyone relate to this? Any encouraging stories of

wanting all the wrong women at first, but learning to love healthy people and be

happy instead? I'd like to hear something like that. Its tough for me because

I'm something of a perfectionist and I don't enjoy the kind of social life that

most people do. I don't like to drink and party, I like fun AND intelligent

people who like to do meaningful things with their time. It just seems more and

more like a waste of time trying to connect with anyone.

Thanks and good luck to everyone else out there weathering this storm.

[Guest guest]

I have been through what you are asking about and have made it to the other side

so i wanted to write an offer hope and support as quickly as i could. I have a

bp mother (and many other bp relatives) and a bp exh that I was with for 12

years before the light bulb went off. I now have a great partner and am much

more aware of my fleas from Nada (after at least 1000 hours of bp research and

many different therapy approaches) I have the opposite gender situation from

your request (I'm a woman who had relationships w BP men) but I really saw the

light of this pattern through work that my new partner and I have done together.

It isn't happily ever after- especially since I have a child with bp ex and so I

have him in my life all the time- but it gets better and it becomes bearable,

and a life worthy of hope. It's possible to have good days in the life after,

and to have an empathetic partner who validates your emotions, to feel like

someone else finally validates your right to exist.

I completely understand your pain CMJ and hope you are able to make your way

through this hard time with as much peace and equanimity as possible!!!

Have faith and patience. This is the lowest point, and while you will still have

bad days, it is almost a straight uphill (minus a few bunpy days!) from where

you are now to your peaceful, validating future!

Good luck on your journey. You will find a lot of support here. Keep us posted

on how you are!!

>

> Hi, I just joined this site, and I'm the son of a BP mother.

>

> About 9 months ago ended the second of two relationships I have had with

seemingly intelligent, beautiful, and stable women, who turned out to be

completely disconnected to reality - one week telling me how happy they were to

be with someone so wonderful, the next week accusing me cruelly of things

completely ridiculous and contrived.

>

> I was so torn apart by their absurd and fallacious behavior that I was

compelled to speak with someone qualified about it. It took practically no time

at all to identify these women as intense BPs, and then to connect their

behavior with that of my mother. I had my light bulb moment so intensely

thereafter that it almost made me sick. I had absorbed enormous amounts of

guilt in my life, and I had done it completely unawares. I realized I have

practically zero emotional limits with troubled women, and when they lose their

mind and start accusing me of things, I almost lose mine as well. For someone

fairly observant and intelligent, realizing my complete ignorance of this part

of me was extremely disconcerting.

>

> I have had plenty of good relationships with other women in my life, I'm not

just a jaded soul who sees BP in every woman he meets. But what frightens me is

that the two women I have felt most strongly about were both completely

incapable of a mature, caring, or happy relationship. I'm almost 30 now and I

can't even imagine a woman that would be both attractive to me and remotely

stable enough to consider getting to know.

>

> So, just wondering, can anyone relate to this? Any encouraging stories of

wanting all the wrong women at first, but learning to love healthy people and be

happy instead? I'd like to hear something like that. Its tough for me because

I'm something of a perfectionist and I don't enjoy the kind of social life that

most people do. I don't like to drink and party, I like fun AND intelligent

people who like to do meaningful things with their time. It just seems more and

more like a waste of time trying to connect with anyone.

>

> Thanks and good luck to everyone else out there weathering this storm.

>