satrurday rant

[Guest guest]

I am so annoyed. I got another " apology " today. you know the one " I have no idea

what I ever did to offend you (oh gee do I need to Explain it AGAIN?) and I am

sorry for whatever it was. it was not intentional " Riiiight. Ok Nada way to lay

it on thick. in the real world this is NOT an apology. she even started it with

" here I go with another apology " grrrrrrrrrrr. I am starting to be really

triggered by her tossing around of the words I love you. Love is not a

declaration, it is not something you give as a gift. is a mutual trust that is

carefully maintained. When Nada says I love you it is a command. Fall in line.

NOW. I really makes me sad that she chooses to ignore her own behavior. she

really must be insane. this not taking responsibility crap has cost her so many

relationships it amazes me ANYONE talks to her at all. she must have had so

little experience with real relationships that she can't see that she lacks

them. what a miserable existence. I am sick of her " I love you's " and her now

that I " apologized " crap. how can someone live so long without ever really

apologizing for ANYTHING? can a person be so truly clueless? I hate her

manipulations. HATE.

Meikjn

[Guest guest]

You hate them because they're hateable. There's no reason to take this

garbage.

> **

>

>

> I am so annoyed. I got another " apology " today. you know the one " I have

> no idea what I ever did to offend you (oh gee do I need to Explain it

> AGAIN?) and I am sorry for whatever it was. it was not intentional "

> Riiiight. Ok Nada way to lay it on thick. in the real world this is NOT an

> apology. she even started it with " here I go with another apology "

> grrrrrrrrrrr. I am starting to be really triggered by her tossing around of

> the words I love you. Love is not a declaration, it is not something you

> give as a gift. is a mutual trust that is carefully maintained. When Nada

> says I love you it is a command. Fall in line. NOW. I really makes me sad

> that she chooses to ignore her own behavior. she really must be insane.

> this not taking responsibility crap has cost her so many relationships it

> amazes me ANYONE talks to her at all. she must have had so little

> experience with real relationships that she can't see that she lacks them.

> what a miserable existence. I am sick of her " I love you's " and her now

> that I " apologized " crap. how can someone live so long without ever really

> apologizing for ANYTHING? can a person be so truly clueless? I hate her

> manipulations. HATE.

>

> Meikjn

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

You wrote that your nada must have had so little experience with real

relationships that she can't see that she lacks them. You are exactly right. Our

nada's truely can not connect with other peoplein a healthy manner. It is this

very flaw that makes them mentally ill.

May the rest of your weekend be filled with peace and calm,

MB

satrurday rant

I am so annoyed. I got another " apology " today. you know the one " I have no

idea what I ever did to offend you (oh gee do I need to Explain it AGAIN?) and I

am sorry for whatever it was. it was not intentional " Riiiight. Ok Nada way to

lay it on thick. in the real world this is NOT an apology. she even started it

with " here I go with another apology " grrrrrrrrrrr. I am starting to be really

triggered by her tossing around of the words I love you. Love is not a

declaration, it is not something you give as a gift. is a mutual trust that is

carefully maintained. When Nada says I love you it is a command. Fall in line.

NOW. I really makes me sad that she chooses to ignore her own behavior. she

really must be insane. this not taking responsibility crap has cost her so many

relationships it amazes me ANYONE talks to her at all. she must have had so

little experience with real relationships that she can't see that she lacks

them. what a miserable existence. I am sick of her " I love you's " and her now

that I " apologized " crap. how can someone live so long without ever really

apologizing for ANYTHING? can a person be so truly clueless? I hate her

manipulations. HATE.

Meikjn

[Guest guest]

I'm in the same boat, Meikjn, I received an " I'm sorry for all the hurts

you're storing inside but that is the past and there is nothing I can do

about it " apology - like I'm repressing something stupid from when I was 12.

When I responded with, " Okay, but we need to work on what is happening now

and the way you speak to me " she shot back in extreme anger telling me I was

ungrateful for my wonderful childhood (20 years ago) and how she SO

apologized and I need to get over it now. . . like it was really reaching

the limits of her ability to give me the fake apology of long, long ago that

she can do nothing about. Those apologies are safe because they are not

admitting or repenting from anything just laying a coat of BS all over the

problem and acting like you shouldn't be able to see it anymore. My

communication was all e-mail and that last one was what made me block her

e-mail and phone and go completely NC.

[Guest guest]

Hello I Just joined yesterday, and was nervous to write, but this post shook me

to the core.

I just had the exact same experience yesterday as well. I am currently dealing

with sever panic attacks and anxiety due to my bpd mom. In a nutshell she has

ruined my credit, manipulated every aspect of my life including relationships

with other family members and made me feel that I have " abandoned " her, simply

because I moved out, met a great guy and now are planning to be married. She

can't stomach the fact that her marriage crumbled ( father is cocaine addict and

totally absent), and I have a chance to not be happy and not live my life

chained to her ankle as a spinster.

Responding to your post, everything my mother hangs up the phone or leaves me in

person she says " I love you " , and it sends me into a frenzy. We can be at each

others throats and I will quickly try to hang up and she will say sweetly " I

love you " , when seconds before venom was coming out of mouth.

You are so right, this is not a true display of affection, it is something that

" must be said " so therefore the dysfunction doesn't exist. I sometimes say it

back, but Lot of times I pretend I don't hear it and hang up. I feel anxiety if

I say it back, like I'm not being true to myself. It is the same feeling I get

Around the holidays or Mothers Day especially.

- glad you shared your rant, it gave me courage to vent as well.

>

> I am so annoyed. I got another " apology " today. you know the one " I have no

idea what I ever did to offend you (oh gee do I need to Explain it AGAIN?) and I

am sorry for whatever it was. it was not intentional " Riiiight. Ok Nada way to

lay it on thick. in the real world this is NOT an apology. she even started it

with " here I go with another apology " grrrrrrrrrrr. I am starting to be really

triggered by her tossing around of the words I love you. Love is not a

declaration, it is not something you give as a gift. is a mutual trust that is

carefully maintained. When Nada says I love you it is a command. Fall in line.

NOW. I really makes me sad that she chooses to ignore her own behavior. she

really must be insane. this not taking responsibility crap has cost her so many

relationships it amazes me ANYONE talks to her at all. she must have had so

little experience with real relationships that she can't see that she lacks

them. what a miserable existence. I am sick of her " I love you's " and her now

that I " apologized " crap. how can someone live so long without ever really

apologizing for ANYTHING? can a person be so truly clueless? I hate her

manipulations. HATE.

>

> Meikjn

>

[Guest guest]

My nada would make that kind of " blanket " apology too; its sort of a fake

apology. Its the same as saying, " I'm sorry that you are upset, although its NOT

my fault and I have NO idea why you are angry at poor little me. "

I don't know how to specifically address that kind of behavior, because I

experienced that from my nada her whole life and nothing I tried worked at all.

When I would try to get her to understand specifically what she said that upset

me, she'd either trigger into a rage at me, or she'd launch into a crying jag

and accuse me of being mean and hateful to her. It was truly a no-win

situation.

The result was that I became more and more stressed out when I was around her or

even just talking with her on the phone, and began having alarming, potentially

dangerous physical symptoms due to the stress, so I felt that I had to go No

Contact.

I hope you can find a method or technique that will work for you if you wish to

maintain contact. Just don't let yourself become so stressed out that it starts

to impact your health; in my opinion maintaining contact is just not worth that

price.

-Annie

>

> I am so annoyed. I got another " apology " today. you know the one " I have no

idea what I ever did to offend you (oh gee do I need to Explain it AGAIN?) and I

am sorry for whatever it was. it was not intentional " Riiiight. Ok Nada way to

lay it on thick. in the real world this is NOT an apology. she even started it

with " here I go with another apology " grrrrrrrrrrr. I am starting to be really

triggered by her tossing around of the words I love you. Love is not a

declaration, it is not something you give as a gift. is a mutual trust that is

carefully maintained. When Nada says I love you it is a command. Fall in line.

NOW. I really makes me sad that she chooses to ignore her own behavior. she

really must be insane. this not taking responsibility crap has cost her so many

relationships it amazes me ANYONE talks to her at all. she must have had so

little experience with real relationships that she can't see that she lacks

them. what a miserable existence. I am sick of her " I love you's " and her now

that I " apologized " crap. how can someone live so long without ever really

apologizing for ANYTHING? can a person be so truly clueless? I hate her

manipulations. HATE.

>

> Meikjn

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you for posting. Based on your post and the responses I now think the

" not really an apology " is the Nada's bag of tricks. Mine takes to making them

when she feels I have not given her enough attention. In the past 25 years the

only time she wants attention from me is when no one else is around to give it

to her. As she is giving me her " not really an apology " my head wants to

explode. I have learned to say nothing as I want to snap and call BS on her

BS. I really have visions of violently unleashing all the anger I have ever

felt.

I have noticed a pattern, her apologies were precipitated by her talking to

someone that does not know the truth. My nada is a high functioning HPD/BPD and

whenever she has to explain my absence will morph into the long suffering

maternal waif who is unappreciated and mistreated by her oldest child, me.

Since admitting nada has a personality disorder I can now categorize her

behavior and even time am better at predicting what will come next. I recently

have been able to name the feeling I get when I am around her, anxiety. I

actually feel anxiety when I am near her and I realize her apologies trigger

panic attacks in me.

Wishing us all Peace and Blessings!

MyReality

> >

> > I am so annoyed. I got another " apology " today. you know the one " I have no

idea what I ever did to offend you (oh gee do I need to Explain it AGAIN?) and I

am sorry for whatever it was. it was not intentional " Riiiight. Ok Nada way to

lay it on thick. in the real world this is NOT an apology. she even started it

with " here I go with another apology " grrrrrrrrrrr. I am starting to be really

triggered by her tossing around of the words I love you. Love is not a

declaration, it is not something you give as a gift. is a mutual trust that is

carefully maintained. When Nada says I love you it is a command. Fall in line.

NOW. I really makes me sad that she chooses to ignore her own behavior. she

really must be insane. this not taking responsibility crap has cost her so many

relationships it amazes me ANYONE talks to her at all. she must have had so

little experience with real relationships that she can't see that she lacks

them. what a miserable existence. I am sick of her " I love you's " and her now

that I " apologized " crap. how can someone live so long without ever really

apologizing for ANYTHING? can a person be so truly clueless? I hate her

manipulations. HATE.

> >

> > Meikjn

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I know what you mean, and I agree. I think my nada used " I love you " and " I'm

sorry " as magical erasers that allowed her to say any hateful, ugly thing to me

that she felt like saying, and then " erase " it.

I think its actually a form of covert abuse, because its so deceptive. Its

like stomping on someone's foot, hard, then apologizing, then stomping on it

again, and apologizing again. After a couple more stomps and " I'm sorry " s its

pretty clear that the stomping is SO not an accident, and the " oops " and the

" apology " are false, and only intended to disguise or mask the deliberate

intention to inflict hurt.

I wish I'd had the guts to say something like, " Really? I don't *feel* loved

at all, when you say (the ugly, hateful remarks) to me. That's not how you

treat someone or speak to someone if you actually do love them and care about

their feelings. Sorry, mom; I don't buy it. Talk to you later, maybe. "

-Annie

>

> Hello I Just joined yesterday, and was nervous to write, but this post shook

me to the core.

>

> I just had the exact same experience yesterday as well. I am currently dealing

with sever panic attacks and anxiety due to my bpd mom. In a nutshell she has

ruined my credit, manipulated every aspect of my life including relationships

with other family members and made me feel that I have " abandoned " her, simply

because I moved out, met a great guy and now are planning to be married. She

can't stomach the fact that her marriage crumbled ( father is cocaine addict and

totally absent), and I have a chance to not be happy and not live my life

chained to her ankle as a spinster.

>

> Responding to your post, everything my mother hangs up the phone or leaves me

in person she says " I love you " , and it sends me into a frenzy. We can be at

each others throats and I will quickly try to hang up and she will say sweetly "

I love you " , when seconds before venom was coming out of mouth.

>

> You are so right, this is not a true display of affection, it is something

that " must be said " so therefore the dysfunction doesn't exist. I sometimes say

it back, but Lot of times I pretend I don't hear it and hang up. I feel anxiety

if I say it back, like I'm not being true to myself. It is the same feeling I

get Around the holidays or Mothers Day especially.

>

> - glad you shared your rant, it gave me courage to vent as well.

[Guest guest]

My husband complains about this too. His mother would say horrible things

and then follow it with a cheerful " good night " . She'd say they couldn't go

to bed angry.

I was thinking about your situation annie. Feeling hurt about the journal

is understandable but please try to remember that your mother was

literally, completely and totally a crazy person. Her opinion didn't

matter. Since she had the rare circumstance of developing bpd without

chronic abuse, this tells you how extremely crazy she was. If someone

perpetuates how they were treated, how awful but understandable sort of.

How much more naturally insane was she if she came up with these bpd tricks

on her own. And how much more insanely crazy to be a christian woman bent

on revenge. This woman was out and out batsh==t crazy. Her opinion of you

means NOTHING.

Sometimes I think of them as broken robots. They're not quite real people

and they're programming is terrible. They are broken they can't see us

accurately.

On Mon, Nov 19, 2012 at 1:55 PM, anuria67854 anuria-67854@...>wrote:

> **

>

>

> I know what you mean, and I agree. I think my nada used " I love you " and

> " I'm sorry " as magical erasers that allowed her to say any hateful, ugly

> thing to me that she felt like saying, and then " erase " it.

>

> I think its actually a form of covert abuse, because its so deceptive. Its

> like stomping on someone's foot, hard, then apologizing, then stomping on

> it again, and apologizing again. After a couple more stomps and " I'm

> sorry " s its pretty clear that the stomping is SO not an accident, and the

> " oops " and the " apology " are false, and only intended to disguise or mask

> the deliberate intention to inflict hurt.

>

> I wish I'd had the guts to say something like, " Really? I don't *feel*

> loved at all, when you say (the ugly, hateful remarks) to me. That's not

> how you treat someone or speak to someone if you actually do love them and

> care about their feelings. Sorry, mom; I don't buy it. Talk to you later,

> maybe. "

>

> -Annie

>

>

> >

> > Hello I Just joined yesterday, and was nervous to write, but this post

> shook me to the core.

> >

> > I just had the exact same experience yesterday as well. I am currently

> dealing with sever panic attacks and anxiety due to my bpd mom. In a

> nutshell she has ruined my credit, manipulated every aspect of my life

> including relationships with other family members and made me feel that I

> have " abandoned " her, simply because I moved out, met a great guy and now

> are planning to be married. She can't stomach the fact that her marriage

> crumbled ( father is cocaine addict and totally absent), and I have a

> chance to not be happy and not live my life chained to her ankle as a

> spinster.

> >

> > Responding to your post, everything my mother hangs up the phone or

> leaves me in person she says " I love you " , and it sends me into a frenzy.

> We can be at each others throats and I will quickly try to hang up and she

> will say sweetly " I love you " , when seconds before venom was coming out

> of mouth.

> >

> > You are so right, this is not a true display of affection, it is

> something that " must be said " so therefore the dysfunction doesn't exist. I

> sometimes say it back, but Lot of times I pretend I don't hear it and hang

> up. I feel anxiety if I say it back, like I'm not being true to myself. It

> is the same feeling I get Around the holidays or Mothers Day especially.

> >

> > - glad you shared your rant, it gave me courage to vent as well.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks, Millicent. I appreciate your support and empathy, and the support &

empathy of our fellow members here.

I know on an intellectual, objective level that my mother was too mentally ill

and abusive to have been raising kids, and I realize that her opinion of me, her

feelings about me *weren't actually about me at all.* As someone here put it

(was it you, Sunspot?) I think I was never a real person to my nada, just an

" unruly figment of her imagination. " I was a warped mirror; a thing, an

investment, a third arm she grew, perhaps. Or a rag doll with no feelings.

I know she was a very unhappy person who blamed anyone and everyone except

herself for her unhappiness. (Which is why the few, rare insights about herself

that she mentioned in her journal were so astonishing to me.) Its clear to me

that her opinion of me (and of others) was not based on reality and you are

right: it doesn't matter now.

The kicker is that at the point in my life when it DID matter very much what my

mother thought of me and how she treated me: when I was a dependent child who

needed her love and approval very badly and instead got criticism, rejection,

terror, shame and abuse that were explained as " love " (and that did alternate

sporadically and confusingly with kindness from mother) ... that's when the

damage was done: back then.

So, I'm processing a lifetime's worth of this " stuff " , and gradually coming to

terms with it.

I know that the path to healing for me is to just let her go, let the hurt go,

and go forward and have as fulfilling and meaningful and joyful a life as

possible with the years I have left.

Its good to have you and the members here as companions on my journey. It means

a lot to me; thank you.

-Annie

>

> My husband complains about this too. His mother would say horrible things

> and then follow it with a cheerful " good night " . She'd say they couldn't go

> to bed angry.

>

> I was thinking about your situation annie. Feeling hurt about the journal

> is understandable but please try to remember that your mother was

> literally, completely and totally a crazy person. Her opinion didn't

> matter. Since she had the rare circumstance of developing bpd without

> chronic abuse, this tells you how extremely crazy she was. If someone

> perpetuates how they were treated, how awful but understandable sort of.

> How much more naturally insane was she if she came up with these bpd tricks

> on her own. And how much more insanely crazy to be a christian woman bent

> on revenge. This woman was out and out batsh==t crazy. Her opinion of you

> means NOTHING.

>

> Sometimes I think of them as broken robots. They're not quite real people

> and they're programming is terrible. They are broken they can't see us

> accurately.