The Thanksgiving FOG begins, just as I feared

November 19, 2012

Hi all --

This morning I got up for work and went to the upper level of the house to

shower and found a note on the refrigerator from Nada. We've been NC now

since April, although she has left several letters on the refrigerator at

various times, usually about once a month, demanding that I " forgive her "

and come to whatever family event she desperately wants me to attend. (She

has not, of course, done anything actually sensible and, say, invited me to

sit down for coffee in a public place, just her and me, and discuss the

situation. She wouldn't have enough control in that situation, and wouldn't

be able to use the rest of the family for leverage on me.) So now, of

course, it's Thanksgiving. She claims that " everyone really wants me

there. " That's nice. She doesn't even once actually ask where *I* want to

be -- the fact that my family wants me there is supposed to compel my

attendance, you see. As is always the case in these letters, she is not

asking me nicely if I want to join them for a Holiday meal, she is

demanding it as her due and my duty.

She also claims that I have to come to Thanksgiving dinner because " Gene

has been asking where you are and the doctors say he's only going to be

with us another year or two at most. " Gene is my second cousin twice

removed. He's a very nice elderly gentleman with advanced Parkinson's who

my mother cares for (she gets well paid for it; this isn't charity, and she

doesn't do the care herself -- she just hires and fires the actual

caregivers. Gene pays for it all.) Before I went NC in April I had filled

in for her when her workers wanted days off and taken care of Gene; I like

him, and he has seemed to like me, but we aren't actually close, and his

Parkinson's is advanced enough that I very, very much doubt he is worrying

about where I am, as I have only helped care for him for maybe two weeks

total time in about four years -- not really enough time to make much of an

impression. Also, Gene has been " one to two years " from passing for about

the last five years, so while his Parkinson's is definitely not going to

get any better, I find this prognosis to be very convenient, and almost

certainly a manipulative lie. So there's that.

She also made this statement: " Can't you find it in your heart to forgive

and forget? " Notice that, as I have commented here before, she is saying

NOTHING about trying to change her ways. She is asking for things to

return to " normal " , where normal is she gets to be verbally,

psychologically, and emotionally abusive of me whenever she feels like and

I'm not allowed to complain or walk away. Obviously, this is not going to

happen, but wouldn't it be convenient for her if it did?

Nada, if you ever read this (which is about as likely as pigs flying out of

my nethers):

1) When you want someone's company for a festive occasion, you ask them

nicely if they would like to join you. You do not demand that they attend

in order to make YOU feel good, and attempt to lay guilt on them if they

don't do as you want.

2) When relations between you and another person are broken due to your own

bad behavior, you should attempt to mend fences BEFORE the Holidays, rather

than using " It's the Holidays, everyone has to make nice! " as a brickbat to

attempt to force the other person to do what you want without you actually

having to own up to your bad behavior, make appropriate amends, and show

evidence of changing BEFORE expecting them to spend their Holidays with

you. If this kind of thing is going to be worked out, it can't be done

via sneak attack and ambush. And if it's not going to be worked out, better

you learn that before the Holidays so all involved parties can make their

own arrangements for a pleasant Holiday.

3) If you want forgiveness for bad behavior, you absolutely MUST make

amends and offer guarantees that the bad behavior will not be repeated. You

do not get to magically request an Etch-a-Sketch do over where the counter

resets to zero and you get to start behaving badly all over again. If the

other person grants you forgiveness, it means they are trusting you and

opening themselves up to being hurt by you again. If you do not offer

assurances that you do not intend to abuse this trust (as you have done so

many times before), why do you deserve forgiveness? And why should the

person you have sinned against be stupid enough to grant it?

**SIGH**

Nadas and Holidays are a hellish mix. Thank God I won't be here for

Christmas or New Year's.

-- Jen H.

November 19, 2012

Maybe a very brief but polite Medium Chill response, like, " Thanks, but I

already have plans for that date. Maybe next time. " (whether you actually have

any plans or not, I just wouldn't attend. For me it wouldn't be worth the

stress.)

If your nada ever did read your well-written response below, I'm willing to bet

that it would not have any impact on her, wouldn't change anything about the way

she thinks or feels or treats you.

That is a fantasy that I used to have too: that somehow if I could just

articulate my feelings more clearly yet sensitively, just communicate with her

better, that there would be a positive change. But, we can't change them. All

we can do is decide what makes us feel better, feel safe, feel like decent,

worthy human beings, and follow through on those choices *without guilt*. You

have to figure out what works best for you; and whatever that is, its OK AND

GOOD.

-Annie

>

> Hi all --

>

> This morning I got up for work and went to the upper level of the house to

> shower and found a note on the refrigerator from Nada. We've been NC now

> since April, although she has left several letters on the refrigerator at

> various times, usually about once a month, demanding that I " forgive her "

> and come to whatever family event she desperately wants me to attend. (She

> has not, of course, done anything actually sensible and, say, invited me to

> sit down for coffee in a public place, just her and me, and discuss the

> situation. She wouldn't have enough control in that situation, and wouldn't

> be able to use the rest of the family for leverage on me.) So now, of

> course, it's Thanksgiving. She claims that " everyone really wants me

> there. " That's nice. She doesn't even once actually ask where *I* want to

> be -- the fact that my family wants me there is supposed to compel my

> attendance, you see. As is always the case in these letters, she is not

> asking me nicely if I want to join them for a Holiday meal, she is

> demanding it as her due and my duty.

>

> She also claims that I have to come to Thanksgiving dinner because " Gene

> has been asking where you are and the doctors say he's only going to be

> with us another year or two at most. " Gene is my second cousin twice

> removed. He's a very nice elderly gentleman with advanced Parkinson's who

> my mother cares for (she gets well paid for it; this isn't charity, and she

> doesn't do the care herself -- she just hires and fires the actual

> caregivers. Gene pays for it all.) Before I went NC in April I had filled

> in for her when her workers wanted days off and taken care of Gene; I like

> him, and he has seemed to like me, but we aren't actually close, and his

> Parkinson's is advanced enough that I very, very much doubt he is worrying

> about where I am, as I have only helped care for him for maybe two weeks

> total time in about four years -- not really enough time to make much of an

> impression. Also, Gene has been " one to two years " from passing for about

> the last five years, so while his Parkinson's is definitely not going to

> get any better, I find this prognosis to be very convenient, and almost

> certainly a manipulative lie. So there's that.

>

> She also made this statement: " Can't you find it in your heart to forgive

> and forget? " Notice that, as I have commented here before, she is saying

> NOTHING about trying to change her ways. She is asking for things to

> return to " normal " , where normal is she gets to be verbally,

> psychologically, and emotionally abusive of me whenever she feels like and

> I'm not allowed to complain or walk away. Obviously, this is not going to

> happen, but wouldn't it be convenient for her if it did?

>

> Nada, if you ever read this (which is about as likely as pigs flying out of

> my nethers):

>

> 1) When you want someone's company for a festive occasion, you ask them

> nicely if they would like to join you. You do not demand that they attend

> in order to make YOU feel good, and attempt to lay guilt on them if they

> don't do as you want.

>

> 2) When relations between you and another person are broken due to your own

> bad behavior, you should attempt to mend fences BEFORE the Holidays, rather

> than using " It's the Holidays, everyone has to make nice! " as a brickbat to

> attempt to force the other person to do what you want without you actually

> having to own up to your bad behavior, make appropriate amends, and show

> evidence of changing BEFORE expecting them to spend their Holidays with

> you. If this kind of thing is going to be worked out, it can't be done

> via sneak attack and ambush. And if it's not going to be worked out, better

> you learn that before the Holidays so all involved parties can make their

> own arrangements for a pleasant Holiday.

>

> 3) If you want forgiveness for bad behavior, you absolutely MUST make

> amends and offer guarantees that the bad behavior will not be repeated. You

> do not get to magically request an Etch-a-Sketch do over where the counter

> resets to zero and you get to start behaving badly all over again. If the

> other person grants you forgiveness, it means they are trusting you and

> opening themselves up to being hurt by you again. If you do not offer

> assurances that you do not intend to abuse this trust (as you have done so

> many times before), why do you deserve forgiveness? And why should the

> person you have sinned against be stupid enough to grant it?

>

> **SIGH**

>

> Nadas and Holidays are a hellish mix. Thank God I won't be here for

> Christmas or New Year's.

>

> -- Jen H.

>

November 20, 2012

Jen,

Saving your post. Helped me a lot sinceThanksgiving and a future wedding have

brought 'duty ' issues up. M