Guest guest Posted November 19, 2012 Report Share Posted November 19, 2012 My nada told me that my fada has early onset Alzheimer's Disease. I dont know if this is true because my nada is notorious for faking illnesses just to get attention (my nada once got a spinal tap just to get attention). I want to see him. I want to spend time with him. I want to love him. to rescue him from nada's rants. I want to tell him that all of the bullshit that he hears from my nada is not true. That he is loved. That people do love him. That he is worth something. That his word means something to ME. But I can't. I can't because you cant save someone that doesnt want to be saved. My therapist told me that my fada is a typical abused spouse. He is isolated from his friends and family. He does whatever my nada asks of him, including cooking and cleaning. He is never allowed to sit when my nada isnt sitting. He is never allowed to relax unless my nada is relaxing first. He wears what my nada tells him to wear. In public, she finishes his sentences and constantly embarrasses him and makes fun of him and interrupts him when hes telling a story. Shes a bitch. He doesnt want to see me outside of my nada despite my many attempts to want to maintain a relationship with him. Every time I talk to him, he says to me " Have you called/talked to your mom? " He cant talk to me at all unless he has permission. This makes me so sad. I want to have a realtionship with my father, especially if his diagnosis is true. But how do I do this and get past nada? AJ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 20, 2012 Report Share Posted November 20, 2012 My fada would also need the permission. If he did talk to me my mom would gt jealous and interrogate him. Then tell him where I was out of line, lying or whatever so he would just tell me whatever she said to out of sheer exasperation. I stopped talking to him after awhile to protect us both, and he got angry at me for not being 'obedient ' and 'respectful ' by giving him what my mom wanted. He is 100% on her side and considers it his duty. To the point of leaving his children unprotected and undefended, even feeding them to the wolves to save himself. My mom made him choose over and over between her and his kids. It is sad. I am sorry about your Dara's illness. I hope it isn't true. > > My nada told me that my fada has early onset Alzheimer's Disease. I dont know if this is true because my nada is notorious for faking illnesses just to get attention (my nada once got a spinal tap just to get attention). > > I want to see him. I want to spend time with him. I want to love him. to rescue him from nada's rants. I want to tell him that all of the bullshit that he hears from my nada is not true. That he is loved. That people do love him. That he is worth something. That his word means something to ME. > > But I can't. I can't because you cant save someone that doesnt want to be saved. > > My therapist told me that my fada is a typical abused spouse. He is isolated from his friends and family. He does whatever my nada asks of him, including cooking and cleaning. He is never allowed to sit when my nada isnt sitting. He is never allowed to relax unless my nada is relaxing first. He wears what my nada tells him to wear. In public, she finishes his sentences and constantly embarrasses him and makes fun of him and interrupts him when hes telling a story. Shes a bitch. > > He doesnt want to see me outside of my nada despite my many attempts to want to maintain a relationship with him. Every time I talk to him, he says to me " Have you called/talked to your mom? " He cant talk to me at all unless he has permission. > > This makes me so sad. I want to have a realtionship with my father, especially if his diagnosis is true. But how do I do this and get past nada? > > AJ > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 20, 2012 Report Share Posted November 20, 2012 100% in agreement on my experience. My Fada needs permission from Nada for anything and was quick to sell out my brother and me, he was always conveniently absent when my Nada would physically beat me, but he went so far as to participate in brother's beatings. When I finally stood up to Nada at 31 she put him up to trying to negotiate a truce with me (truce meaning I accept that Nada gets to say whatever she wants and never apologizes) he couldn't even hear me when I tried to explain to him why what Nada said and did were not okay. He's just so enmeshed with Nada that he can't cope with hearing Nada could be wrong. They validate one another's alternate reality and he stands by her even when he knows 100 percent that she is lying because he was actually there to experience the exact opposite of whatever she is saying/believes. He just can't face it, she is his protector and he is scared to be without her (he is Schizoid which has its own set of bizarre issues) Nada was always jealous that I had a better relationship with Fada than I did with her- and I guess it's true since, although I have no contact with either, with Fada I feel like he did his best despite his very severe mental limitations. Since he could not ever act as a protector in any way he should not have been a father, but at least he wasn't actively or consciously trying to harm me, and he honestly did his best to do what he could within his limited capacity. Nada is, I'm virtually certain, the devil incarnate- she feels more than her fair share of pain, but she also intentionally inflicts pain on others, and that IMO makes her a very bad person, partially explained but not excused by her insidious mental illness. > > > > My nada told me that my fada has early onset Alzheimer's Disease. I dont know if this is true because my nada is notorious for faking illnesses just to get attention (my nada once got a spinal tap just to get attention). > > > > I want to see him. I want to spend time with him. I want to love him. to rescue him from nada's rants. I want to tell him that all of the bullshit that he hears from my nada is not true. That he is loved. That people do love him. That he is worth something. That his word means something to ME. > > > > But I can't. I can't because you cant save someone that doesnt want to be saved. > > > > My therapist told me that my fada is a typical abused spouse. He is isolated from his friends and family. He does whatever my nada asks of him, including cooking and cleaning. He is never allowed to sit when my nada isnt sitting. He is never allowed to relax unless my nada is relaxing first. He wears what my nada tells him to wear. In public, she finishes his sentences and constantly embarrasses him and makes fun of him and interrupts him when hes telling a story. Shes a bitch. > > > > He doesnt want to see me outside of my nada despite my many attempts to want to maintain a relationship with him. Every time I talk to him, he says to me " Have you called/talked to your mom? " He cant talk to me at all unless he has permission. > > > > This makes me so sad. I want to have a realtionship with my father, especially if his diagnosis is true. But how do I do this and get past nada? > > > > AJ > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 20, 2012 Report Share Posted November 20, 2012 I honestly don't think you can unless he is no longer married to her and in her life, which would be a miracle that he isn't willing to perform it sounds like. It is very sad to be in that situation to have to lose someone you don't want to because of her! However, if he chose to communicate with you while he is under her control she would most likely make life so much more difficult on him that he doesn't feel it is worth the suffering. I know when I went NC I knew my enDad would remain her flying monkey and would make no effort to contact me (other than digs through DS now!) so I don't have that turmoil. I'm so sorry you have to go through that!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 21, 2012 Report Share Posted November 21, 2012 AJ, You can't. The agreement he has made about life is that your nada runs it. You can't live according to that agreement and have nada also run yours. We all make choices in life. That's been his choice. Take care, Ashana Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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