Guest guest Posted November 23, 2012 Report Share Posted November 23, 2012 Thank you for responding... I've already received validation through reading other's experiences which many resemble mine. Nobody, outside a group such as this, can really quite grasp the complexities of a relationship such as the one we all share. You can go to a therapist who can offer his/her's best advice that was learned from textbooks. Being on the receiving end of someone like Nada is something most can't identify with. NC seems to be the only answer for me. Nada has always been able to coax me out of NC through some kind of attention-getting ploy. After this latest episode, I must remain resolute in my decision. One good thing that has come from being Nada's daughter is it has made me a better mother to my own daughter than I might have otherwise been. I have spent her entire life being the best, caring, sensitive mother to her...not perfect, but the best I can be. The polar oppositie of Nada. > > > > > > > > > Where do I begin? > > > > > > I have this mother, well, if you can call her a mother... > > > > > > She's quite bright, can be charming and gracious one minute and then the most vile, abusive and destructive person in the next minute. She's been married six or seven times...we don't know for sure as we're not sure how many have been legal. She gave birth to two children, my brother and me. > > > > > > She comes from quite an upstanding family...one of five children, all accomplished with the exception of her. While her siblings went on to achieve Ph.d's, Masters degrees and success in business, my mother went on to carve a path of destruction in both her life and anyone she could take along for the ride including my brother and me. She is and has been verbally and psychologically abusive. It's a sport for her. > > > > > > This post could end up turning into a novel filled with stories that would shock even those having had experienced a parent with BPD. So I'll simply fast forward to present time... > > > > > > Four years ago, after having burnt all bridges in her home town, my mother was about to lose her home due to " living by her own rules " . My new husband had yet to meet her although he had heard the stories. Stories are one thing. I don't think anyone is ever quite prepared for in-person. I hadn't had much contact with her at that time as I had been distanced from her for about five years. There had been the occasional phone calls...all sugar and spice for a while but eventually spiraling into the viciousness that was always certain. > > > My husband and I agreed to do the humanitarian thing and move her to where we had been living rather than live with the idea of her being homeless. Granted, she had two sisters living near her at the time but both had turned their backs on her. I could not allow my mother to have nowhere to go. That said, I allowed myself to drift into a fantasy of " things being different this time " . They were worse than ever. Her rages and threats of killing me resulted in my having to take Peace Bond out on her, which is something you only see on the Jerry Springer show. That didn't stop her. She continued to terrorize me and ruined my reputation in the city where we lived. She was able to " infiltrate " my world and spread vicious lies about me. People thought I was the nut job. My husband's work required us to move out of town and I couldn't get away fast enough. That was three years ago. For the past three years, it's the usual phone relationship...sugar and spice for a while ending up in viciousness that results in my blocking her number for months on end. Then she always does something/gets herself into trouble which gets me out of hiding to rescue her. Of course, I never disappoint. > > > > > > My mother feels entitled to say and do anything she pleases. Rules apply to everyone else. Boundaries? What are those? She had been driving her car with an expired license, expired tags and no insurance. She lives in a city in the South where some eccentricities are accepted and people just began to accept her for being " one of those " . That is until she began calling people racial slurs and getting into more and more arguments at her local grocery store where she was eventually banned. That didn't matter, she continued to visit the grocery store in " disguises " but they knew it was her and allowed her to shop until the last incident when they had her arrested. While that was bad enough, we learned she had been on probation for finally getting cited for the driving stuff. Of course, she never paid the $100 fine so her grocery store arrest landed her in jail for 32 days. > > > > > > As a family we were not only shocked, we were saddened. We all had hoped that maybe this was rock bottom for her and she would emerge with a desire to live a different and more civilized kind of life. > > > We were all involved...her younger sister made two trips to see her, we worked with her attorney, had meals delivered to her, hired in-home nursing, hired a care giver to run her errands and talked about moving her somewhere where she might be happier. Needless to say she loved the attention (we had also learned she was the most popular in-mate in jail...telling her great tales of her great life). It only took a week for her to return to her vicious self. Nobody is talking to her again. My husband and I continue to pay her rent, as we have for four years, and living expenses. I helps me sleep at night. > > > > > > People who don't really know me see me as a vivacious, outgoing woman. People who do know me know the emotional pain I live with and the wounds that will never heal. > > > > > > What a life... > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 23, 2012 Report Share Posted November 23, 2012 This groups gets it. :-) On Fri, Nov 23, 2012 at 5:48 PM, jannielee12345 janicehalldesigns@... > wrote: > ** > > > Thank you for responding... > > I've already received validation through reading other's experiences which > many resemble mine. > > Nobody, outside a group such as this, can really quite grasp the > complexities of a relationship such as the one we all share. You can go to > a therapist who can offer his/her's best advice that was learned from > textbooks. Being on the receiving end of someone like Nada is something > most can't identify with. > > NC seems to be the only answer for me. Nada has always been able to coax > me out of NC through some kind of attention-getting ploy. After this latest > episode, I must remain resolute in my decision. > > One good thing that has come from being Nada's daughter is it has made me > a better mother to my own daughter than I might have otherwise been. I have > spent her entire life being the best, caring, sensitive mother to her...not > perfect, but the best I can be. The polar oppositie of Nada. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Where do I begin? > > > > > > > > I have this mother, well, if you can call her a mother... > > > > > > > > She's quite bright, can be charming and gracious one minute and then > the most vile, abusive and destructive person in the next minute. She's > been married six or seven times...we don't know for sure as we're not sure > how many have been legal. She gave birth to two children, my brother and me. > > > > > > > > She comes from quite an upstanding family...one of five children, > all accomplished with the exception of her. While her siblings went on to > achieve Ph.d's, Masters degrees and success in business, my mother went on > to carve a path of destruction in both her life and anyone she could take > along for the ride including my brother and me. She is and has been > verbally and psychologically abusive. It's a sport for her. > > > > > > > > This post could end up turning into a novel filled with stories that > would shock even those having had experienced a parent with BPD. So I'll > simply fast forward to present time... > > > > > > > > Four years ago, after having burnt all bridges in her home town, my > mother was about to lose her home due to " living by her own rules " . My new > husband had yet to meet her although he had heard the stories. Stories are > one thing. I don't think anyone is ever quite prepared for in-person. I > hadn't had much contact with her at that time as I had been distanced from > her for about five years. There had been the occasional phone calls...all > sugar and spice for a while but eventually spiraling into the viciousness > that was always certain. > > > > My husband and I agreed to do the humanitarian thing and move her to > where we had been living rather than live with the idea of her being > homeless. Granted, she had two sisters living near her at the time but both > had turned their backs on her. I could not allow my mother to have nowhere > to go. That said, I allowed myself to drift into a fantasy of " things being > different this time " . They were worse than ever. Her rages and threats of > killing me resulted in my having to take Peace Bond out on her, which is > something you only see on the Jerry Springer show. That didn't stop her. > She continued to terrorize me and ruined my reputation in the city where we > lived. She was able to " infiltrate " my world and spread vicious lies about > me. People thought I was the nut job. My husband's work required us to move > out of town and I couldn't get away fast enough. That was three years ago. > For the past three years, it's the usual phone relationship...sugar and > spice for a while ending up in viciousness that results in my blocking her > number for months on end. Then she always does something/gets herself into > trouble which gets me out of hiding to rescue her. Of course, I never > disappoint. > > > > > > > > My mother feels entitled to say and do anything she pleases. Rules > apply to everyone else. Boundaries? What are those? She had been driving > her car with an expired license, expired tags and no insurance. She lives > in a city in the South where some eccentricities are accepted and people > just began to accept her for being " one of those " . That is until she began > calling people racial slurs and getting into more and more arguments at her > local grocery store where she was eventually banned. That didn't matter, > she continued to visit the grocery store in " disguises " but they knew it > was her and allowed her to shop until the last incident when they had her > arrested. While that was bad enough, we learned she had been on probation > for finally getting cited for the driving stuff. Of course, she never paid > the $100 fine so her grocery store arrest landed her in jail for 32 days. > > > > > > > > As a family we were not only shocked, we were saddened. We all had > hoped that maybe this was rock bottom for her and she would emerge with a > desire to live a different and more civilized kind of life. > > > > We were all involved...her younger sister made two trips to see her, > we worked with her attorney, had meals delivered to her, hired in-home > nursing, hired a care giver to run her errands and talked about moving her > somewhere where she might be happier. Needless to say she loved the > attention (we had also learned she was the most popular in-mate in > jail...telling her great tales of her great life). It only took a week for > her to return to her vicious self. Nobody is talking to her again. My > husband and I continue to pay her rent, as we have for four years, and > living expenses. I helps me sleep at night. > > > > > > > > People who don't really know me see me as a vivacious, outgoing > woman. People who do know me know the emotional pain I live with and the > wounds that will never heal. > > > > > > > > What a life... > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 23, 2012 Report Share Posted November 23, 2012 Jannielee, Sorry you did not receive any responses! Welcome and I look forward to hearing more for your posts. It sounds like your nada is on a downward spiral that may possibly end in her getting some therapy. That could be a very good thing for everyone. Small towns are interesting - I've lived in both big and small and although everyone knows your business in small towns it may be a great place for your nada so people are keeping an eye on her. Best wishes on helping her and getting through these circumstances! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 23, 2012 Report Share Posted November 23, 2012 Thank you, ! Nada is beyond therapy....has tried several times and each time, as the therapist closes in on her issues, Nada drops out. Unfortunately, Nada is doomed. You're right about her downward spiral...nothing good will come of it. We're forever suprised that she hasn't been physcially attacked for saying the wrong, vulgar thing to the wrong person. The tragedy in her latest episode is the fact that it brough the family together and we were all here to help her out of her trouble. It didn't take long for Nada to push us all away, again. Thanks for responding... On Fri, Nov 23, 2012 at 3:26 PM, Renslow jwjrenslow@...>wrote: > ** > > > > > Jannielee, > > Sorry you did not receive any responses! Welcome and I look forward to > hearing more for your posts. It sounds like your nada is on a downward > spiral that may possibly end in her getting some therapy. That could be a > very good thing for everyone. Small towns are interesting - I've lived in > both big and small and although everyone knows your business in small towns > it may be a great place for your nada so people are keeping an eye on her. > Best wishes on helping her and getting through these circumstances! > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 23, 2012 Report Share Posted November 23, 2012 Hi Jannie, Welcome to the group. You are not alone. I have a mother who sounds very similar and does the same sort of things. I understand. Everytime I think my mom must have reached rock bottom this time she finds an even deeper bottom. She is now 67 and still wreaking havoc wherever she goes. There are no easy answers or solutions but if you continue to read and post here you will learn a lot about BPD and get lots of support! Tracey Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 23, 2012 Report Share Posted November 23, 2012 Thank you... This group is a great resource/support... > ** > > > Hi Jannie, > > Welcome to the group. > > You are not alone. I have a mother who sounds very similar and does the > same sort of things. I understand. Everytime I think my mom must have > reached rock bottom this time she finds an even deeper bottom. She is now > 67 and still wreaking havoc wherever she goes. > > There are no easy answers or solutions but if you continue to read and post > here you will learn a lot about BPD and get lots of support! > > Tracey > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 23, 2012 Report Share Posted November 23, 2012 Oh, I'm so glad I'm not alone in the psyc book! Abnormal Psyc was such a giggle for me! I aced that class only because I could personify each (felt like each, but I'm sure it wasn't…) new disorder with my nada's family members. I got a kick outta that class! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 24, 2012 Report Share Posted November 24, 2012 Hi and welcome, Jannie! You are quite a woman to provide financial support for your mom. My husband wouldn't allow it any more than I would want to do it. When it cones some things, we are of the opinion that " just because you can doesn't mean you should. " We are carefully planning for our children's college and for our own care in later years. I don't want to be a financial burden on my kids and I won't look at my girls and say " you can't go to college there because I must give money to support someone else who didn't plan well and was a financial idiot. " Being new to the group myself, it surprises me over and over that in almost each and every post, there is some similarity to my life story. (What is interesting to me is the absence of cases where a man is the one with BPD.) The " living by her own rules " all the way to financial ruin, along with racial slurs and grocery store rages hit home, as did the phone rages, which increased in severity right up until I went NC six months ago. She has always been verbally and emotionally abusive. She has spread lies about me in to new people in her community and some family members who aren't on to her yet, or who believe her vicious lies. They will figure it out soon enough. I've become content with the labels they have given me. My days are now drama-free with family and friends and there is no need for lying about where we are, who we're with, and how long we've been there. It's about time...I am nearly 50! I do miss the peaceful parts of our relationship and the pleasant conversations, but that's it. There were good times, of course. Unfortunately my good times with her often came at the expense of someone else...usually my siblings. She could only be nice to one of us at a time. I have learned to treat the separation from her as a death and I am still grieving...but with a peace and bit of a smile. Sandy Sent from my iPad On Nov 23, 2012, at 4:31 PM, " jannielee12345 " janicehalldesigns@...> wrote: > I learned of this group a week or so ago and posted my initial message. I didn't get a single response, so I'm wondering if I'm doing something incorrectly such as format, etc. > > Will someone let me know? > > Thanks! > > > > > > > > Where do I begin? > > > > I have this mother, well, if you can call her a mother... > > > > She's quite bright, can be charming and gracious one minute and then the most vile, abusive and destructive person in the next minute. She's been married six or seven times...we don't know for sure as we're not sure how many have been legal. She gave birth to two children, my brother and me. > > > > She comes from quite an upstanding family...one of five children, all accomplished with the exception of her. While her siblings went on to achieve Ph.d's, Masters degrees and success in business, my mother went on to carve a path of destruction in both her life and anyone she could take along for the ride including my brother and me. She is and has been verbally and psychologically abusive. It's a sport for her. > > > > This post could end up turning into a novel filled with stories that would shock even those having had experienced a parent with BPD. So I'll simply fast forward to present time... > > > > Four years ago, after having burnt all bridges in her home town, my mother was about to lose her home due to " living by her own rules " . My new husband had yet to meet her although he had heard the stories. Stories are one thing. I don't think anyone is ever quite prepared for in-person. I hadn't had much contact with her at that time as I had been distanced from her for about five years. There had been the occasional phone calls...all sugar and spice for a while but eventually spiraling into the viciousness that was always certain. > > My husband and I agreed to do the humanitarian thing and move her to where we had been living rather than live with the idea of her being homeless. Granted, she had two sisters living near her at the time but both had turned their backs on her. I could not allow my mother to have nowhere to go. That said, I allowed myself to drift into a fantasy of " things being different this time " . They were worse than ever. Her rages and threats of killing me resulted in my having to take Peace Bond out on her, which is something you only see on the Jerry Springer show. That didn't stop her. She continued to terrorize me and ruined my reputation in the city where we lived. She was able to " infiltrate " my world and spread vicious lies about me. People thought I was the nut job. My husband's work required us to move out of town and I couldn't get away fast enough. That was three years ago. For the past three years, it's the usual phone relationship...sugar and spice for a while ending up in viciousness that results in my blocking her number for months on end. Then she always does something/gets herself into trouble which gets me out of hiding to rescue her. Of course, I never disappoint. > > > > My mother feels entitled to say and do anything she pleases. Rules apply to everyone else. Boundaries? What are those? She had been driving her car with an expired license, expired tags and no insurance. She lives in a city in the South where some eccentricities are accepted and people just began to accept her for being " one of those " . That is until she began calling people racial slurs and getting into more and more arguments at her local grocery store where she was eventually banned. That didn't matter, she continued to visit the grocery store in " disguises " but they knew it was her and allowed her to shop until the last incident when they had her arrested. While that was bad enough, we learned she had been on probation for finally getting cited for the driving stuff. Of course, she never paid the $100 fine so her grocery store arrest landed her in jail for 32 days. > > > > As a family we were not only shocked, we were saddened. We all had hoped that maybe this was rock bottom for her and she would emerge with a desire to live a different and more civilized kind of life. > > We were all involved...her younger sister made two trips to see her, we worked with her attorney, had meals delivered to her, hired in-home nursing, hired a care giver to run her errands and talked about moving her somewhere where she might be happier. Needless to say she loved the attention (we had also learned she was the most popular in-mate in jail...telling her great tales of her great life). It only took a week for her to return to her vicious self. Nobody is talking to her again. My husband and I continue to pay her rent, as we have for four years, and living expenses. I helps me sleep at night. > > > > People who don't really know me see me as a vivacious, outgoing woman. People who do know me know the emotional pain I live with and the wounds that will never heal. > > > > What a life... > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 24, 2012 Report Share Posted November 24, 2012 Hi My father and most of the men I paired with had bpd. My mother had it too and her whole family. Just putting it out there that in my experience lots of men have it though maybe on men it looks different or gets called sociopathy/love addiction/ alcoholism/narcissism more. In a way the " unavailable man " also can be bpd. > Hi and welcome, Jannie! > > You are quite a woman to provide financial support for your mom. My husband wouldn't allow it any more than I would want to do it. When it cones some things, we are of the opinion that " just because you can doesn't mean you should. " We are carefully planning for our children's college and for our own care in later years. I don't want to be a financial burden on my kids and I won't look at my girls and say " you can't go to college there because I must give money to support someone else who didn't plan well and was a financial idiot. " > > Being new to the group myself, it surprises me over and over that in almost each and every post, there is some similarity to my life story. (What is interesting to me is the absence of cases where a man is the one with BPD.) The " living by her own rules " all the way to financial ruin, along with racial slurs and grocery store rages hit home, as did the phone rages, which increased in severity right up until I went NC six months ago. She has always been verbally and emotionally abusive. > > She has spread lies about me in to new people in her community and some family members who aren't on to her yet, or who believe her vicious lies. They will figure it out soon enough. I've become content with the labels they have given me. My days are now drama-free with family and friends and there is no need for lying about where we are, who we're with, and how long we've been there. It's about time...I am nearly 50! I do miss the peaceful parts of our relationship and the pleasant conversations, but that's it. There were good times, of course. Unfortunately my good times with her often came at the expense of someone else...usually my siblings. She could only be nice to one of us at a time. > > I have learned to treat the separation from her as a death and I am still grieving...but with a peace and bit of a smile. > > Sandy > > > > > > Sent from my iPad > > On Nov 23, 2012, at 4:31 PM, " jannielee12345 " janicehalldesigns@...> wrote: > > > I learned of this group a week or so ago and posted my initial message. I didn't get a single response, so I'm wondering if I'm doing something incorrectly such as format, etc. > > > > Will someone let me know? > > > > Thanks! > > > > > > > > > > > > > Where do I begin? > > > > > > I have this mother, well, if you can call her a mother... > > > > > > She's quite bright, can be charming and gracious one minute and then the most vile, abusive and destructive person in the next minute. She's been married six or seven times...we don't know for sure as we're not sure how many have been legal. She gave birth to two children, my brother and me. > > > > > > She comes from quite an upstanding family...one of five children, all accomplished with the exception of her. While her siblings went on to achieve Ph.d's, Masters degrees and success in business, my mother went on to carve a path of destruction in both her life and anyone she could take along for the ride including my brother and me. She is and has been verbally and psychologically abusive. It's a sport for her. > > > > > > This post could end up turning into a novel filled with stories that would shock even those having had experienced a parent with BPD. So I'll simply fast forward to present time... > > > > > > Four years ago, after having burnt all bridges in her home town, my mother was about to lose her home due to " living by her own rules " . My new husband had yet to meet her although he had heard the stories. Stories are one thing. I don't think anyone is ever quite prepared for in-person. I hadn't had much contact with her at that time as I had been distanced from her for about five years. There had been the occasional phone calls...all sugar and spice for a while but eventually spiraling into the viciousness that was always certain. > > > My husband and I agreed to do the humanitarian thing and move her to where we had been living rather than live with the idea of her being homeless. Granted, she had two sisters living near her at the time but both had turned their backs on her. I could not allow my mother to have nowhere to go. That said, I allowed myself to drift into a fantasy of " things being different this time " . They were worse than ever. Her rages and threats of killing me resulted in my having to take Peace Bond out on her, which is something you only see on the Jerry Springer show. That didn't stop her. She continued to terrorize me and ruined my reputation in the city where we lived. She was able to " infiltrate " my world and spread vicious lies about me. People thought I was the nut job. My husband's work required us to move out of town and I couldn't get away fast enough. That was three years ago. For the past three years, it's the usual phone relationship...sugar and spice for a while ending up in viciousness that results in my blocking her number for months on end. Then she always does something/gets herself into trouble which gets me out of hiding to rescue her. Of course, I never disappoint. > > > > > > My mother feels entitled to say and do anything she pleases. Rules apply to everyone else. Boundaries? What are those? She had been driving her car with an expired license, expired tags and no insurance. She lives in a city in the South where some eccentricities are accepted and people just began to accept her for being " one of those " . That is until she began calling people racial slurs and getting into more and more arguments at her local grocery store where she was eventually banned. That didn't matter, she continued to visit the grocery store in " disguises " but they knew it was her and allowed her to shop until the last incident when they had her arrested. While that was bad enough, we learned she had been on probation for finally getting cited for the driving stuff. Of course, she never paid the $100 fine so her grocery store arrest landed her in jail for 32 days. > > > > > > As a family we were not only shocked, we were saddened. We all had hoped that maybe this was rock bottom for her and she would emerge with a desire to live a different and more civilized kind of life. > > > We were all involved...her younger sister made two trips to see her, we worked with her attorney, had meals delivered to her, hired in-home nursing, hired a care giver to run her errands and talked about moving her somewhere where she might be happier. Needless to say she loved the attention (we had also learned she was the most popular in-mate in jail...telling her great tales of her great life). It only took a week for her to return to her vicious self. Nobody is talking to her again. My husband and I continue to pay her rent, as we have for four years, and living expenses. I helps me sleep at night. > > > > > > People who don't really know me see me as a vivacious, outgoing woman. People who do know me know the emotional pain I live with and the wounds that will never heal. > > > > > > What a life... > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 24, 2012 Report Share Posted November 24, 2012 Thank you, Sondra... You and I are right around the same age. I have spent so much of my life trying to cope and figure out what in the world is the deal with my mother. We won't add up the dollars spent in therapy. We simply came to the conclusion she was just " born bad " . She was a problem for my grandparents beginning at an early age. They took her to a shrink when she was fourteen, which was unheard of back in those days. Born bad. The ongoing conflict I've had with her, for most of my life, has been the roller coaster ride. Things coast along for a while and then...BAM! What I'm finding through this group is post after post of the same thing I've been baffled by and living with. There really is a benefit to knowing that my mother is not an enigma. NC is really the only way to deal with someone like her. She really is as bad as it can get. Like you, I miss the good times albeit those were few and far between. There were more good times when she was younger. At 74 years old, she is now almost all bad times. She's bitter, angry and blames me for everything wrong in her life. Nada is also a narcissist and there is no end to her entitlement. Nothing is never enough. If you give her $10 it should have been $100. Anything you did for her yesterday is forgotten...what are you going to do for her today? The things she has said to me. The names she calls me, her favorite being C--T. She should have " flushed me down the toilet " when I was born. Etc., etc., etc.... As previously stated, nobody could possibly get it other than those who have had first hand experience with someone like our mothers. Friends try to understand and be supportive but most have come from a fairly " normal " family and can't believe what they hear. I'm sure there are those who have thought I've manufactured some of my stories as they are so incredibly insane. I'm also sure some friends eventually distanced themselves from me as they grew tired of my need to talk about it, especially during one of Nada's raging episodes. So, I'm glad to have found this group. Nobody will think I'm the lunatic. We all understand each other. On Sat, Nov 24, 2012 at 6:49 AM, Sondra bpddaughter@...>wrote: > ** > > > Hi and welcome, Jannie! > > You are quite a woman to provide financial support for your mom. My > husband wouldn't allow it any more than I would want to do it. When it > cones some things, we are of the opinion that " just because you can doesn't > mean you should. " We are carefully planning for our children's college and > for our own care in later years. I don't want to be a financial burden on > my kids and I won't look at my girls and say " you can't go to college there > because I must give money to support someone else who didn't plan well and > was a financial idiot. " > > Being new to the group myself, it surprises me over and over that in > almost each and every post, there is some similarity to my life story. > (What is interesting to me is the absence of cases where a man is the one > with BPD.) The " living by her own rules " all the way to financial ruin, > along with racial slurs and grocery store rages hit home, as did the phone > rages, which increased in severity right up until I went NC six months ago. > She has always been verbally and emotionally abusive. > > She has spread lies about me in to new people in her community and some > family members who aren't on to her yet, or who believe her vicious lies. > They will figure it out soon enough. I've become content with the labels > they have given me. My days are now drama-free with family and friends and > there is no need for lying about where we are, who we're with, and how long > we've been there. It's about time...I am nearly 50! I do miss the peaceful > parts of our relationship and the pleasant conversations, but that's it. > There were good times, of course. Unfortunately my good times with her > often came at the expense of someone else...usually my siblings. She could > only be nice to one of us at a time. > > I have learned to treat the separation from her as a death and I am still > grieving...but with a peace and bit of a smile. > > Sandy > > > > > > Sent from my iPad > > On Nov 23, 2012, at 4:31 PM, " jannielee12345 " janicehalldesigns@...> > wrote: > > > I learned of this group a week or so ago and posted my initial message. > I didn't get a single response, so I'm wondering if I'm doing something > incorrectly such as format, etc. > > > > Will someone let me know? > > > > Thanks! > > > > > > > > > > > > > Where do I begin? > > > > > > I have this mother, well, if you can call her a mother... > > > > > > She's quite bright, can be charming and gracious one minute and then > the most vile, abusive and destructive person in the next minute. She's > been married six or seven times...we don't know for sure as we're not sure > how many have been legal. She gave birth to two children, my brother and > me. > > > > > > She comes from quite an upstanding family...one of five children, all > accomplished with the exception of her. While her siblings went on to > achieve Ph.d's, Masters degrees and success in business, my mother went on > to carve a path of destruction in both her life and anyone she could take > along for the ride including my brother and me. She is and has been > verbally and psychologically abusive. It's a sport for her. > > > > > > This post could end up turning into a novel filled with stories that > would shock even those having had experienced a parent with BPD. So I'll > simply fast forward to present time... > > > > > > Four years ago, after having burnt all bridges in her home town, my > mother was about to lose her home due to " living by her own rules " . My new > husband had yet to meet her although he had heard the stories. Stories are > one thing. I don't think anyone is ever quite prepared for in-person. I > hadn't had much contact with her at that time as I had been distanced from > her for about five years. There had been the occasional phone calls...all > sugar and spice for a while but eventually spiraling into the viciousness > that was always certain. > > > My husband and I agreed to do the humanitarian thing and move her to > where we had been living rather than live with the idea of her being > homeless. Granted, she had two sisters living near her at the time but both > had turned their backs on her. I could not allow my mother to have nowhere > to go. That said, I allowed myself to drift into a fantasy of " things being > different this time " . They were worse than ever. Her rages and threats of > killing me resulted in my having to take Peace Bond out on her, which is > something you only see on the Jerry Springer show. That didn't stop her. > She continued to terrorize me and ruined my reputation in the city where we > lived. She was able to " infiltrate " my world and spread vicious lies about > me. People thought I was the nut job. My husband's work required us to move > out of town and I couldn't get away fast enough. That was three years ago. > For the past three years, it's the usual phone relationship...sugar and > spice for a while ending up in viciousness that results in my blocking her > number for months on end. Then she always does something/gets herself into > trouble which gets me out of hiding to rescue her. Of course, I never > disappoint. > > > > > > My mother feels entitled to say and do anything she pleases. Rules > apply to everyone else. Boundaries? What are those? She had been driving > her car with an expired license, expired tags and no insurance. She lives > in a city in the South where some eccentricities are accepted and people > just began to accept her for being " one of those " . That is until she began > calling people racial slurs and getting into more and more arguments at her > local grocery store where she was eventually banned. That didn't matter, > she continued to visit the grocery store in " disguises " but they knew it > was her and allowed her to shop until the last incident when they had her > arrested. While that was bad enough, we learned she had been on probation > for finally getting cited for the driving stuff. Of course, she never paid > the $100 fine so her grocery store arrest landed her in jail for 32 days. > > > > > > As a family we were not only shocked, we were saddened. We all had > hoped that maybe this was rock bottom for her and she would emerge with a > desire to live a different and more civilized kind of life. > > > We were all involved...her younger sister made two trips to see her, > we worked with her attorney, had meals delivered to her, hired in-home > nursing, hired a care giver to run her errands and talked about moving her > somewhere where she might be happier. Needless to say she loved the > attention (we had also learned she was the most popular in-mate in > jail...telling her great tales of her great life). It only took a week for > her to return to her vicious self. Nobody is talking to her again. My > husband and I continue to pay her rent, as we have for four years, and > living expenses. I helps me sleep at night. > > > > > > People who don't really know me see me as a vivacious, outgoing woman. > People who do know me know the emotional pain I live with and the wounds > that will never heal. > > > > > > What a life... > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 24, 2012 Report Share Posted November 24, 2012 Well said, Janice! I am also thankful for the group an for you! Sandy Sent from my iPhone > Thank you, Sondra... > > You and I are right around the same age. I have spent so much of my life > trying to cope and figure out what in the world is the deal with my mother. > We won't add up the dollars spent in therapy. We simply came to the > conclusion she was just " born bad " . She was a problem for my grandparents > beginning at an early age. They took her to a shrink when she was > fourteen, which was unheard of back in those days. Born bad. > > The ongoing conflict I've had with her, for most of my life, has been the > roller coaster ride. Things coast along for a while and then...BAM! What > I'm finding through this group is post after post of the same thing I've > been baffled by and living with. There really is a benefit to knowing that > my mother is not an enigma. > > NC is really the only way to deal with someone like her. She really is as > bad as it can get. Like you, I miss the good times albeit those were few > and far between. There were more good times when she was younger. At 74 > years old, she is now almost all bad times. She's bitter, angry and blames > me for everything wrong in her life. Nada is also a narcissist and there > is no end to her entitlement. Nothing is never enough. If you give her > $10 it should have been $100. Anything you did for her yesterday is > forgotten...what are you going to do for her today? > > The things she has said to me. The names she calls me, her favorite being > C--T. She should have " flushed me down the toilet " when I was born. Etc., > etc., etc.... > > As previously stated, nobody could possibly get it other than those who > have had first hand experience with someone like our mothers. Friends try > to understand and be supportive but most have come from a fairly " normal " > family and can't believe what they hear. I'm sure there are those who have > thought I've manufactured some of my stories as they are so incredibly > insane. I'm also sure some friends eventually distanced themselves from me > as they grew tired of my need to talk about it, especially during one of > Nada's raging episodes. > > So, I'm glad to have found this group. Nobody will think I'm the lunatic. > We all understand each other. > > On Sat, Nov 24, 2012 at 6:49 AM, Sondra bpddaughter@...>wrote: > >> ** >> >> >> Hi and welcome, Jannie! >> >> You are quite a woman to provide financial support for your mom. My >> husband wouldn't allow it any more than I would want to do it. When it >> cones some things, we are of the opinion that " just because you can doesn't >> mean you should. " We are carefully planning for our children's college and >> for our own care in later years. I don't want to be a financial burden on >> my kids and I won't look at my girls and say " you can't go to college there >> because I must give money to support someone else who didn't plan well and >> was a financial idiot. " >> >> Being new to the group myself, it surprises me over and over that in >> almost each and every post, there is some similarity to my life story. >> (What is interesting to me is the absence of cases where a man is the one >> with BPD.) The " living by her own rules " all the way to financial ruin, >> along with racial slurs and grocery store rages hit home, as did the phone >> rages, which increased in severity right up until I went NC six months ago. >> She has always been verbally and emotionally abusive. >> >> She has spread lies about me in to new people in her community and some >> family members who aren't on to her yet, or who believe her vicious lies. >> They will figure it out soon enough. I've become content with the labels >> they have given me. My days are now drama-free with family and friends and >> there is no need for lying about where we are, who we're with, and how long >> we've been there. It's about time...I am nearly 50! I do miss the peaceful >> parts of our relationship and the pleasant conversations, but that's it. >> There were good times, of course. Unfortunately my good times with her >> often came at the expense of someone else...usually my siblings. She could >> only be nice to one of us at a time. >> >> I have learned to treat the separation from her as a death and I am still >> grieving...but with a peace and bit of a smile. >> >> Sandy >> >> >> >> >> >> Sent from my iPad >> >> On Nov 23, 2012, at 4:31 PM, " jannielee12345 " janicehalldesigns@...> >> wrote: >> >>> I learned of this group a week or so ago and posted my initial message. >> I didn't get a single response, so I'm wondering if I'm doing something >> incorrectly such as format, etc. >>> >>> Will someone let me know? >>> >>> Thanks! >>> >>> >>>> >>>> >>>> Where do I begin? >>>> >>>> I have this mother, well, if you can call her a mother... >>>> >>>> She's quite bright, can be charming and gracious one minute and then >> the most vile, abusive and destructive person in the next minute. She's >> been married six or seven times...we don't know for sure as we're not sure >> how many have been legal. She gave birth to two children, my brother and >> me. >>>> >>>> She comes from quite an upstanding family...one of five children, all >> accomplished with the exception of her. While her siblings went on to >> achieve Ph.d's, Masters degrees and success in business, my mother went on >> to carve a path of destruction in both her life and anyone she could take >> along for the ride including my brother and me. She is and has been >> verbally and psychologically abusive. It's a sport for her. >>>> >>>> This post could end up turning into a novel filled with stories that >> would shock even those having had experienced a parent with BPD. So I'll >> simply fast forward to present time... >>>> >>>> Four years ago, after having burnt all bridges in her home town, my >> mother was about to lose her home due to " living by her own rules " . My new >> husband had yet to meet her although he had heard the stories. Stories are >> one thing. I don't think anyone is ever quite prepared for in-person. I >> hadn't had much contact with her at that time as I had been distanced from >> her for about five years. There had been the occasional phone calls...all >> sugar and spice for a while but eventually spiraling into the viciousness >> that was always certain. >>>> My husband and I agreed to do the humanitarian thing and move her to >> where we had been living rather than live with the idea of her being >> homeless. Granted, she had two sisters living near her at the time but both >> had turned their backs on her. I could not allow my mother to have nowhere >> to go. That said, I allowed myself to drift into a fantasy of " things being >> different this time " . They were worse than ever. Her rages and threats of >> killing me resulted in my having to take Peace Bond out on her, which is >> something you only see on the Jerry Springer show. That didn't stop her. >> She continued to terrorize me and ruined my reputation in the city where we >> lived. She was able to " infiltrate " my world and spread vicious lies about >> me. People thought I was the nut job. My husband's work required us to move >> out of town and I couldn't get away fast enough. That was three years ago. >> For the past three years, it's the usual phone relationship...sugar and >> spice for a while ending up in viciousness that results in my blocking her >> number for months on end. Then she always does something/gets herself into >> trouble which gets me out of hiding to rescue her. Of course, I never >> disappoint. >>>> >>>> My mother feels entitled to say and do anything she pleases. Rules >> apply to everyone else. Boundaries? What are those? She had been driving >> her car with an expired license, expired tags and no insurance. She lives >> in a city in the South where some eccentricities are accepted and people >> just began to accept her for being " one of those " . That is until she began >> calling people racial slurs and getting into more and more arguments at her >> local grocery store where she was eventually banned. That didn't matter, >> she continued to visit the grocery store in " disguises " but they knew it >> was her and allowed her to shop until the last incident when they had her >> arrested. While that was bad enough, we learned she had been on probation >> for finally getting cited for the driving stuff. Of course, she never paid >> the $100 fine so her grocery store arrest landed her in jail for 32 days. >>>> >>>> As a family we were not only shocked, we were saddened. We all had >> hoped that maybe this was rock bottom for her and she would emerge with a >> desire to live a different and more civilized kind of life. >>>> We were all involved...her younger sister made two trips to see her, >> we worked with her attorney, had meals delivered to her, hired in-home >> nursing, hired a care giver to run her errands and talked about moving her >> somewhere where she might be happier. Needless to say she loved the >> attention (we had also learned she was the most popular in-mate in >> jail...telling her great tales of her great life). It only took a week for >> her to return to her vicious self. Nobody is talking to her again. My >> husband and I continue to pay her rent, as we have for four years, and >> living expenses. I helps me sleep at night. >>>> >>>> People who don't really know me see me as a vivacious, outgoing woman. >> People who do know me know the emotional pain I live with and the wounds >> that will never heal. >>>> >>>> What a life... >> >> Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 24, 2012 Report Share Posted November 24, 2012 Janice, " So, I'm glad to have found this group. Nobody will think I'm the lunatic. We all understand each other. " Exactly! Without this group the antics of my FOO (Family of Origin) would be impossible to handle. With your support, I am able to get on with my life despite the pain. MB Re: Re: New To Group > Thank you, Sondra... > > You and I are right around the same age. I have spent so much of my life > trying to cope and figure out what in the world is the deal with my > mother. > We won't add up the dollars spent in therapy. We simply came to the > conclusion she was just " born bad " . She was a problem for my grandparents > beginning at an early age. They took her to a shrink when she was > fourteen, which was unheard of back in those days. Born bad. > > The ongoing conflict I've had with her, for most of my life, has been the > roller coaster ride. Things coast along for a while and then...BAM! What > I'm finding through this group is post after post of the same thing I've > been baffled by and living with. There really is a benefit to knowing > that > my mother is not an enigma. > > NC is really the only way to deal with someone like her. She really is as > bad as it can get. Like you, I miss the good times albeit those were few > and far between. There were more good times when she was younger. At 74 > years old, she is now almost all bad times. She's bitter, angry and > blames > me for everything wrong in her life. Nada is also a narcissist and there > is no end to her entitlement. Nothing is never enough. If you give her > $10 it should have been $100. Anything you did for her yesterday is > forgotten...what are you going to do for her today? > > The things she has said to me. The names she calls me, her favorite being > C--T. She should have " flushed me down the toilet " when I was born. > Etc., > etc., etc.... > > As previously stated, nobody could possibly get it other than those who > have had first hand experience with someone like our mothers. Friends try > to understand and be supportive but most have come from a fairly " normal " > family and can't believe what they hear. I'm sure there are those who > have > thought I've manufactured some of my stories as they are so incredibly > insane. I'm also sure some friends eventually distanced themselves from > me > as they grew tired of my need to talk about it, especially during one of > Nada's raging episodes. > > So, I'm glad to have found this group. Nobody will think I'm the lunatic. > We all understand each other. > > On Sat, Nov 24, 2012 at 6:49 AM, Sondra > bpddaughter@...>wrote: > >> ** >> >> >> Hi and welcome, Jannie! >> >> You are quite a woman to provide financial support for your mom. My >> husband wouldn't allow it any more than I would want to do it. When it >> cones some things, we are of the opinion that " just because you can >> doesn't >> mean you should. " We are carefully planning for our children's college >> and >> for our own care in later years. I don't want to be a financial burden on >> my kids and I won't look at my girls and say " you can't go to college >> there >> because I must give money to support someone else who didn't plan well >> and >> was a financial idiot. " >> >> Being new to the group myself, it surprises me over and over that in >> almost each and every post, there is some similarity to my life story. >> (What is interesting to me is the absence of cases where a man is the one >> with BPD.) The " living by her own rules " all the way to financial ruin, >> along with racial slurs and grocery store rages hit home, as did the >> phone >> rages, which increased in severity right up until I went NC six months >> ago. >> She has always been verbally and emotionally abusive. >> >> She has spread lies about me in to new people in her community and some >> family members who aren't on to her yet, or who believe her vicious lies. >> They will figure it out soon enough. I've become content with the labels >> they have given me. My days are now drama-free with family and friends >> and >> there is no need for lying about where we are, who we're with, and how >> long >> we've been there. It's about time...I am nearly 50! I do miss the >> peaceful >> parts of our relationship and the pleasant conversations, but that's it. >> There were good times, of course. Unfortunately my good times with her >> often came at the expense of someone else...usually my siblings. She >> could >> only be nice to one of us at a time. >> >> I have learned to treat the separation from her as a death and I am still >> grieving...but with a peace and bit of a smile. >> >> Sandy >> >> >> >> >> >> Sent from my iPad >> >> On Nov 23, 2012, at 4:31 PM, " jannielee12345 " >> janicehalldesigns@...> >> wrote: >> >> > I learned of this group a week or so ago and posted my initial message. >> I didn't get a single response, so I'm wondering if I'm doing something >> incorrectly such as format, etc. >> > >> > Will someone let me know? >> > >> > Thanks! >> > >> > >> > > >> > > >> > > Where do I begin? >> > > >> > > I have this mother, well, if you can call her a mother... >> > > >> > > She's quite bright, can be charming and gracious one minute and then >> the most vile, abusive and destructive person in the next minute. She's >> been married six or seven times...we don't know for sure as we're not >> sure >> how many have been legal. She gave birth to two children, my brother and >> me. >> > > >> > > She comes from quite an upstanding family...one of five children, all >> accomplished with the exception of her. While her siblings went on to >> achieve Ph.d's, Masters degrees and success in business, my mother went >> on >> to carve a path of destruction in both her life and anyone she could take >> along for the ride including my brother and me. She is and has been >> verbally and psychologically abusive. It's a sport for her. >> > > >> > > This post could end up turning into a novel filled with stories that >> would shock even those having had experienced a parent with BPD. So I'll >> simply fast forward to present time... >> > > >> > > Four years ago, after having burnt all bridges in her home town, my >> mother was about to lose her home due to " living by her own rules " . My >> new >> husband had yet to meet her although he had heard the stories. Stories >> are >> one thing. I don't think anyone is ever quite prepared for in-person. I >> hadn't had much contact with her at that time as I had been distanced >> from >> her for about five years. There had been the occasional phone calls...all >> sugar and spice for a while but eventually spiraling into the viciousness >> that was always certain. >> > > My husband and I agreed to do the humanitarian thing and move her to >> where we had been living rather than live with the idea of her being >> homeless. Granted, she had two sisters living near her at the time but >> both >> had turned their backs on her. I could not allow my mother to have >> nowhere >> to go. That said, I allowed myself to drift into a fantasy of " things >> being >> different this time " . They were worse than ever. Her rages and threats of >> killing me resulted in my having to take Peace Bond out on her, which is >> something you only see on the Jerry Springer show. That didn't stop her. >> She continued to terrorize me and ruined my reputation in the city where >> we >> lived. She was able to " infiltrate " my world and spread vicious lies >> about >> me. People thought I was the nut job. My husband's work required us to >> move >> out of town and I couldn't get away fast enough. That was three years >> ago. >> For the past three years, it's the usual phone relationship...sugar and >> spice for a while ending up in viciousness that results in my blocking >> her >> number for months on end. Then she always does something/gets herself >> into >> trouble which gets me out of hiding to rescue her. Of course, I never >> disappoint. >> > > >> > > My mother feels entitled to say and do anything she pleases. Rules >> apply to everyone else. Boundaries? What are those? She had been driving >> her car with an expired license, expired tags and no insurance. She lives >> in a city in the South where some eccentricities are accepted and people >> just began to accept her for being " one of those " . That is until she >> began >> calling people racial slurs and getting into more and more arguments at >> her >> local grocery store where she was eventually banned. That didn't matter, >> she continued to visit the grocery store in " disguises " but they knew it >> was her and allowed her to shop until the last incident when they had her >> arrested. While that was bad enough, we learned she had been on probation >> for finally getting cited for the driving stuff. Of course, she never >> paid >> the $100 fine so her grocery store arrest landed her in jail for 32 days. >> > > >> > > As a family we were not only shocked, we were saddened. We all had >> hoped that maybe this was rock bottom for her and she would emerge with a >> desire to live a different and more civilized kind of life. >> > > We were all involved...her younger sister made two trips to see her, >> we worked with her attorney, had meals delivered to her, hired in-home >> nursing, hired a care giver to run her errands and talked about moving >> her >> somewhere where she might be happier. Needless to say she loved the >> attention (we had also learned she was the most popular in-mate in >> jail...telling her great tales of her great life). It only took a week >> for >> her to return to her vicious self. Nobody is talking to her again. My >> husband and I continue to pay her rent, as we have for four years, and >> living expenses. I helps me sleep at night. >> > > >> > > People who don't really know me see me as a vivacious, outgoing >> > > woman. >> People who do know me know the emotional pain I live with and the wounds >> that will never heal. >> > > >> > > What a life... >> > > >> > >> > >> >> Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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