Help - Need advice

[Guest guest]

I went NC about 6 weeks ago after only e-mail with nada for several months. She

finally blew up via e-mail and I told her I needed a break for a while and would

let her know when I was ready to talk. I then blocked her via phone, e-mail and

Facebook so she could not contact me. However, my DS has a Facebook account (12

years old - but begged for one because of a game he wanted to play). I allowed

him to keep nada and enDad on his FB and nada has been sending polite messages

to him. Of course they are filled with info about her a 12 year old would not

care about, but at least they've been respectful. I monitor his FB and receive

notifications on my e-mail when he gets messages so I can see everything.

So. . . yesterday enDad posted on DS's FB page as well as messaged him privately

that it is " too bad your mom won't let you come over and see us anymore " . Keep

in mind that since July I have neither heard nor seen enDad because although he

and my nada have been married 43 years he has NEVER been a father, only her

husband and flying monkey. He never communicates with me - when he was on my FB

he never posted or sent messages or even responded when I did on his. Since the

NC he has never sent a message to DS or posted on his wall so this is clearly

just to take a dig at me.

Question:

In your opinion - and I know it is my decision but I'm curious what you all

would do - should I go ahead and remove them from FB for DS so the NC is

complete or should I just message enDad that his posting was inappropriate and

if it happens again he'll be blocked?

I am not sure how long the NC will be, but if they stay away it will be forever,

but it was my plan all along for my 3 kids to have the choice to communicate

with FOO when they turn 16 and both nada and enDad favor (golden child) my

oldest DS so keeping contact via FB didn't bother me as long as they kept it

respectful. EnDad has totally crossed the line and I just don't know if my

responding via FB on DS's messages will fuel the fire and get me engaged like

they want me to do. . . .

Thanks for your help!!

[Guest guest]

In my humble opinion, a mother who is the KO a BPD parent has the duty to keep

mental illness from affecting the next generation. This means that should the

en-grandparent or BPD grandparent seek to Hoover the grandchildren into carrying

tales, speaking lies/half truths, hiding contact, or otherwise turning the

grandchild into a flying monkey the KO parent absolutely must step in. Emotional

abuse and mental gamesmanship are every bit as damaging to an impressionable

child as physical abuse. You can be certain that the BPD and en grandparent seek

to drive an emotional wedge between you and your child. Is this something you

are wiling to risk? Is their mental manipulation of your child something you are

willing to just stand by and watch? Doesn't it upset you? There are times when

anger is a righteous thing. Anger is a tool, a friend that shakes you out of the

FOG and makes you parent in loving and protective manner your parents were never

capable of providing fro you.

As far as having your children join you in NC, think of it as you would a germ

spread illness. Would you allow your child to visit the home of their friend who

had Chicken Pox if your child had no immunity? Of course not. You would wait

until the risk of infection was past. Likewise, you will not allow you child who

is too young to have fully developed the coping skills to deal with BPD to be

exposed to mental illness. When and if your children are ready, begin to

honestly deal with the subject of BPD. You might what the help of a therapist in

reassuring the children that they are quite sane and that theor grandparents

illness has nothing to do with them.

Whatever you select to do or not do, know that you have the right to do what

best provides for the safety and well being of your children regardless of any

nasty words that fall from the lips of others. The words can and often do hurt

us but we must find the strength to put our beloved children first. This loving

action proves that we are more powerful than BPD.

MB

[Guest guest]

I say keep the no contact, and don't reply. Something I have experienced while

trying to reconcile things the last 6 mos. is that when confronted with their

behaviors, BP's turn into raving lunatics. my Nada has a ready explanation for

why everything she has ever said/done is my and usually a few other people's

fault. then she finishes with " I have never in my life done anything to

intentionally hurt you " she says it every time. it is crazy making, and really

rude, and a huge lie at this point. then she says she " loves me " and normally

throws in a few words like " forgiveness " etc. and wonders idly what she did to

make me so upset.

I have had these messages about 5 times now since I sent a long heartfelt letter

to nada last month with the offer of reconciliation if she would make one small

compromise. (teeny-tiny)I have been e-mail only since the early part of this

year.

lesson learned. she is more interested in maintaining her illusions of

perfection than have a relationship with me. it is extremely hurtful, and I do

feel guilt because she seems to really not get it. but that guilt led in part

to me putting my feelings on the line, and even though I am glad I gave her a

chance, it was a waste of time. it is easier for me now to not feel guilty

because if she still does not get it, it is her choice, and not me being

unclear.

I think that the point of boundaries is that you feel safe emotionally. this

message really did cross the line. when your son is under your roof you have the

responsibility to protect him. if that means you have to un-friend his

grandparents to keep him from having to shoulder the guilt put on him by abusive

people then do it.

I am much healthier emotionally now than I have ever been in my life. i am a

better mother and wife, and a better person. because I am no longer so scared of

being judged and abused. my parents are toxic, an desperate for things to go

back to " normal " they are really pushy for it. but I am all about keeping people

in my life that are willing to apologize (admit to wrongdoing and sincerely try

not to do it again) people who only use us emotionally and say and do whatever

they want without remorse (other than for the consequences they don't like) do

not deserve trust. I have come to believe that this is a trust issue, not a

forgiveness issue. I can forgive better when I am not being re-traumatized.

therefore I can be more forgiving with less contact. I am so happy that I see

all the choices now.

your son deserves to live his life without their crap. so do you. pull the plug.

reward good behavior, punish the bad. if they decide to change you can reassess

things then.

Meikjn

>

> I went NC about 6 weeks ago after only e-mail with nada for several months.

She finally blew up via e-mail and I told her I needed a break for a while and

would let her know when I was ready to talk. I then blocked her via phone,

e-mail and Facebook so she could not contact me. However, my DS has a Facebook

account (12 years old - but begged for one because of a game he wanted to play).

I allowed him to keep nada and enDad on his FB and nada has been sending polite

messages to him. Of course they are filled with info about her a 12 year old

would not care about, but at least they've been respectful. I monitor his FB

and receive notifications on my e-mail when he gets messages so I can see

everything.

>

> So. . . yesterday enDad posted on DS's FB page as well as messaged him

privately that it is " too bad your mom won't let you come over and see us

anymore " . Keep in mind that since July I have neither heard nor seen enDad

because although he and my nada have been married 43 years he has NEVER been a

father, only her husband and flying monkey. He never communicates with me -

when he was on my FB he never posted or sent messages or even responded when I

did on his. Since the NC he has never sent a message to DS or posted on his

wall so this is clearly just to take a dig at me.

>

> Question:

>

> In your opinion - and I know it is my decision but I'm curious what you all

would do - should I go ahead and remove them from FB for DS so the NC is

complete or should I just message enDad that his posting was inappropriate and

if it happens again he'll be blocked?

>

> I am not sure how long the NC will be, but if they stay away it will be

forever, but it was my plan all along for my 3 kids to have the choice to

communicate with FOO when they turn 16 and both nada and enDad favor (golden

child) my oldest DS so keeping contact via FB didn't bother me as long as they

kept it respectful. EnDad has totally crossed the line and I just don't know if

my responding via FB on DS's messages will fuel the fire and get me engaged like

they want me to do. . . .

>

> Thanks for your help!!

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Your father is trying to drive a wedge between you and your son. I would

cut that out ASAP if I were you. If you tell him, " if you do this I'll do

that " you can wait for him to violate your boundary and cut him off. I

wouldn't bother with the ultimatum but it's not my situation and I don't

have any emotions in this situation so I can see how it would look

differently to you.

Whatever the circumstances, your father wants to play games. That's where

his head is at. " Forcing " these people to behave doesn't work. It's like

asking a nice person to be rude, they can try for a bit but they'll get

tired of acting.

[Guest guest]

,

I would cut them off from contacting your son via Facebook. As

long as that avenue is open, they're going to try to manipulate

your son and get to you through him. People with BPD and their

enabling spouses and other flying monkees will stop at nothing

to get what they want. Your son's welfare is not what they're

concerned about. Your wishes are not what they're concerned

about.

If you respond to this, that will be proof to them that they can

get to you through your son. I don't think children should be

put in positions where they can be used that way.

At 12:45 PM 11/20/2012 wrote:

>I went NC about 6 weeks ago after only e-mail with nada for

>several months. She finally blew up via e-mail and I told her

>I needed a break for a while and would let her know when I was

>ready to talk. I then blocked her via phone, e-mail and

>Facebook so she could not contact me. However, my DS has a

>Facebook account (12 years old - but begged for one because of

>a game he wanted to play). I allowed him to keep nada and

>enDad on his FB and nada has been sending polite messages to

>him. Of course they are filled with info about her a 12 year

>old would not care about, but at least they've been

>respectful. I monitor his FB and receive notifications on my

>e-mail when he gets messages so I can see everything.

>

>So. . . yesterday enDad posted on DS's FB page as well as

>messaged him privately that it is " too bad your mom won't let

>you come over and see us anymore " . Keep in mind that since

>July I have neither heard nor seen enDad because although he

>and my nada have been married 43 years he has NEVER been a

>father, only her husband and flying monkey. He never

>communicates with me - when he was on my FB he never posted or

>sent messages or even responded when I did on his. Since the

>NC he has never sent a message to DS or posted on his wall so

>this is clearly just to take a dig at me.

>

>Question:

>

>In your opinion - and I know it is my decision but I'm curious

>what you all would do - should I go ahead and remove them from

>FB for DS so the NC is complete or should I just message enDad

>that his posting was inappropriate and if it happens again

>he'll be blocked?

>

>I am not sure how long the NC will be, but if they stay away it

>will be forever, but it was my plan all along for my 3 kids to

>have the choice to communicate with FOO when they turn 16 and

>both nada and enDad favor (golden child) my oldest DS so

>keeping contact via FB didn't bother me as long as they kept it

>respectful. EnDad has totally crossed the line and I just

>don't know if my responding via FB on DS's messages will fuel

>the fire and get me engaged like they want me to do. . . .

>

>Thanks for your help!!

>

>

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

Thank you so much for your advice! I have chosen to not respond to my enDad

but DS is restricted from Facebook until after Christmas since this is a

trigger time for my FOO - I will block them if another comment comes up. It

is so hard to know how to handle things since the FOO honestly believe I'm

the bad guy not them. Even though I have every right to NC and to restrict

my children from them it weighs on me to have everyone involved is looking

to me with questioning eyes. L They didn't ask for their disorders but

we're stuck dealing with the consequences whether we are in contact or out

of it!

jwjrenslow@...> jwjrenslow@...

[Guest guest]

PUT A STOP TO THIS IMMEDIATELY. ack, sorry to yell at you. oops sorry to order

you around and tell you what you MUST do =) It's a knee-jerk response on my part

because I've been through this too. Having to do deal with this sort of behavior

is just so not fair to us or to our kids. I don't know what is right for you to

do, but I do know you are SO right that fada's fb comment has to be addressed.

It is critical that the nada/fada tag team DO NOT begin the " BPD indoctrination "

on your child/ren. It is absolutely inappropriate for them to try to use your

child as another flying monkey pawn to guilt trip you into submission.

In my experience with my nada, she tried this manipulation of my children ONCE,

(they were very young impressionalbe toddlers) I called her on her inappropriate

behavior in my best 'medium chill' matter-of-fact behavior, and imposed a two

week no contact period as consequence. Then the REAL aspect that I wanted to

impart to her: I told her (in writing, and in person) that if she ever spoke

poorly of me or my spouse to/in front of my children again, or tried to involve

them in our adult disputes ever, she would never have contact with them again.

EVER. The two week NC period was really just so she knew I was serious and so

she woudln't have to test my boundary of eternity in order to know I was

absolutely serious. Circular and preventative action here by me (yes, so weird

to have to do this kind of thing. But I do live in OZ OZ OZ!)

IF my children were older, like yours, I would consider having an " adult " (age

appropriate) conversation with the child about the inappropriateness of fada

trying to bring the child into the disputes of the adults. Tweens get the idea

that just becuase adults are arguing it's not the kid's fault and isn't fair to

bring the kid into the middle of it. It might help relieve the child's feelings

of guilt/responsibilty/confusion to know that you see the poor behavior then are

addressing it directly to putting a stop to it. Sorry that this has happened,

but it's a good opportunity to model/teach/support proper adult-child roles, to

teach the child how to deal directly with innappropriate sly behavior (stand up

and say NO), and to instill trust in your child, and prevent BPD indoctrination.

Think about how we felt when flying monkeys did this kind of BPD mindf*!#

triangulation to us when we were young. Heck!! think about how it still makes us

feel as adults!

Wish you the best of luck. Good job not freaking out immediately! Good job

thinking this through and reflecting on your possible course of action. There

isn't a perfect answer because it's not a perfect world. Just do your very best

and believe in yourself!

[Guest guest]

Agree 100% with Rico and Beth, I couldn't have said it better myself.

>

> In my humble opinion, a mother who is the KO a BPD parent has the duty to

keep mental illness from affecting the next generation. This means that should

the en-grandparent or BPD grandparent seek to Hoover the grandchildren into

carrying tales, speaking lies/half truths, hiding contact, or otherwise turning

the grandchild into a flying monkey the KO parent absolutely must step in.

Emotional abuse and mental gamesmanship are every bit as damaging to an

impressionable child as physical abuse. You can be certain that the BPD and en

grandparent seek to drive an emotional wedge between you and your child. Is this

something you are wiling to risk? Is their mental manipulation of your child

something you are willing to just stand by and watch? Doesn't it upset you?

There are times when anger is a righteous thing. Anger is a tool, a friend that

shakes you out of the FOG and makes you parent in loving and protective manner

your parents were never capable of providing fro you.

>

> As far as having your children join you in NC, think of it as you would a germ

spread illness. Would you allow your child to visit the home of their friend who

had Chicken Pox if your child had no immunity? Of course not. You would wait

until the risk of infection was past. Likewise, you will not allow you child who

is too young to have fully developed the coping skills to deal with BPD to be

exposed to mental illness. When and if your children are ready, begin to

honestly deal with the subject of BPD. You might what the help of a therapist in

reassuring the children that they are quite sane and that theor grandparents

illness has nothing to do with them.

>

> Whatever you select to do or not do, know that you have the right to do what

best provides for the safety and well being of your children regardless of any

nasty words that fall from the lips of others. The words can and often do hurt

us but we must find the strength to put our beloved children first. This loving

action proves that we are more powerful than BPD.

>

> MB

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you mdg!

Because I never heard compliments as a child, I often have trouble believing

them and accepting compliments gracefully as an adult.

Please know that I do believe what you have written and that I am grateful to

have your praise. While I need some more practice in being graceful, at least I

am smiling and we are both feeling pretty good!

Happy Thanksgiving!

MB

Agree 100% with Rico and Beth, I couldn't have said it better myself.

.

[Guest guest]

I understand that and have the same issue too. It's scary the degree to which,

when reading yours or other members' posts, it feels like I wrote them.

It's disturbing that this disorder seems to manifest the same way over and over

again yet there doesn't seem to be any prevention, just treatment after the fact

for KO's lucky enough to find a validating forum like this.

I echo your sentiments MB and validate that this issue is one of Nada's " gifts "

to us, but we are lucky not to be similarly afflicted with BPD and to have this

forum to support one another!

Happy Turkey to you and yours too!

>

> Thank you mdg!

>

> Because I never heard compliments as a child, I often have trouble believing

them and accepting compliments gracefully as an adult.

> Please know that I do believe what you have written and that I am grateful to

have your praise. While I need some more practice in being graceful, at least I

am smiling and we are both feeling pretty good!

>

> Happy Thanksgiving!

>

> MB

>

>

>

> Agree 100% with Rico and Beth, I couldn't have said it better myself.

>

> .

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Meikjn....Sounds like we have the same mother! Mine does the exact same

things every time she is confronted with her behaviors.

Thanks for posting.

Tracey

[Guest guest]

- I appreciate your take on it and was not the least bit bothered by

the " yelling " words. LOL I agree that it is very wrong but I feel like I'm

walking through a field of land mines trying to figure out how to

respond/not respond appropriately. This is a crazy mess trying to figure

out BPD and all the flying monkey business!!! I agree it has to stop and my

DS cannot be put in the middle. However, the broken record of my nada and

brain washing keeps playing in my head making it hard for me. I am SO much

happier with NC and feel at peace with my decision but yet I realize that

the wake of my decision is difficult for others.

Thank you Beth - you have very wonderful contributions to the group and

I appreciate your views. It is very hard for KO's to accept compliments - I

even have a really hard time giving them because I don't want to sound

insincere. However, we have no reason not to build each other up because we

1) have nothing to gain except friendship and 2) know how much we have

suffered because of our pasts and are the only ones who really understand

it.

You all are a blessing to me and I appreciate your help!!