Nada and apologies

[Guest guest]

I haven't posted in a while because sometimes it's just too exhausting to think

about nada and fada, I need a break. I recently stopped by their house to say

hi, hadn't seen them in a month. Ha, when will I learn. Nada's new thing is to

drink. Some members of my family have problems with alcohol but have gotten

sober and so I don't know if she thinks is 'cool' to say Oh I'm just gonna get

drunk, which she's never done til the last few months. But it also feels like a

big f** you to all these people who have gotten sober and have been for a few

years. ANyway, so I'm there and she decides to drink about 4 glasses of wine and

I realize that I can't leave, I'm frozen in my seat. She wasn't hostile, but now

she's 'drunk nada', this new persona where she's silly and loud and all wound

up. She barely shut up for 2 seconds, and it wasn't mean or anything but I

still felt so uncomfortable and I really wanted to ask her to stop drinking and

I just couldn't. Then she starts apologizing to me. My mother in law and she has

been talking and my m-o-l said how beautiful I am and how smart and my nada

starts saying, 'oh I really wish I said those things to you, I'm so sorry I

didn't say it enough'. I felt nothing, NOTHING at her stupid apology. It used to

be that I'd wish for an apology of some kind, some acknowledgment of her wrongs.

But it just feels like bs now, she's drunk, she's almost saying these things to

me because she sort of gets that maybe a mother is supposed to say these things

about her daughter (my m-o-l made her look bad) and so she's going to save face

by saying this to me. And now I'm supposed to say oh no you're fine. Well-I

didn't say that. I couldn't get up, I couldn't get unfrozen and leave but I just

sat there and said nothing.

It feels like a small win for myself. I'm still learning, but I would always

absolve her in the past. Not this time. You're full of sh**! You're not sorry

lady, you're drunk! ANd I'm not going to tell you that you were a great mother

'cause it's just not the case.

Well... I guess I didn't feel nothing, I felt incredibly angry by her continued

selfishness and terrible behavior. But I didn't drown in my feelings and I

didn't blame myself for her behavior, I didn't let her off the hook with her

crappy apology.

I used to think my nada could occasionally be normal, even nice, I'm realizing

it's all part of the facade, part of the lie.

Sorry for this long post, I didn't really realize this was coming out. I'm so

glad you're here.

JP

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