Guest guest Posted November 21, 2012 Report Share Posted November 21, 2012 Hi all, I just received a phone call from the geriatric assistance place my family uses to help get my dad out and doing things since he isn't driving any longer (thanks to drinking his memory away). I made the tough decision to not have him at my home tomorrow for Thanksgiving and my siblings completely backed me up since I'm the one who gets most of the abuse and the holiday is in my home. I said I don't care what other people think but now the geriatric admin said, " Your dad keeps saying that no one has told him what's going on for Thanksgiving. Can you let me know so we can tell him? I'm sure he's just forgotten. " I froze. I said that I'd be talking to him today and will have " another " discussion with him though, in reality, I haven't even mentioned Thanksgiving to him at all. It made me realize that I DO care what people think of me though I really thought I didn't when I made the decision to not have him here. He will be alone on the holiday and I did take that into consideration. Now what? Do I let him come over so I can maintain a decent relationship with the geriatric place and " suck it up " ? OR do I stick to my guns and deal with having people think the worst of me? This is so hard. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 21, 2012 Report Share Posted November 21, 2012 Stick to your guns. I don't think you owe the geriatric assistance people any explanation. If they want to know if he is having dinner with you, just say that you have other plans. It isn't any of their business what your plans are or why your father isn't included. Don't be fooled by the myth that everybody spends holidays with all their family and everything is wonderful. Plenty of people don't have holidays like that and surely the geriatric assistance people have other clients who aren't going to be going to their children's houses for Thanksgiving. At 10:17 AM 11/21/2012 kathnbrit wrote: >Hi all, >I just received a phone call from the geriatric assistance >place my family uses to help get my dad out and doing things >since he isn't driving any longer (thanks to drinking his >memory away). > >I made the tough decision to not have him at my home tomorrow >for Thanksgiving and my siblings completely backed me up since >I'm the one who gets most of the abuse and the holiday is in my >home. > >I said I don't care what other people think but now the >geriatric admin said, " Your dad keeps saying that no one has >told him what's going on for Thanksgiving. Can you let me know >so we can tell him? I'm sure he's just forgotten. " > >I froze. > >I said that I'd be talking to him today and will have " another " >discussion with him though, in reality, I haven't even >mentioned Thanksgiving to him at all. > >It made me realize that I DO care what people think of me >though I really thought I didn't when I made the decision to >not have him here. He will be alone on the holiday and I did >take that into consideration. > >Now what? Do I let him come over so I can maintain a decent >relationship with the geriatric place and " suck it up " ? OR do I >stick to my guns and deal with having people think the worst of >me? > >This is so hard. -- Katrina Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 21, 2012 Report Share Posted November 21, 2012 Choose whatever option will be the most workable, and livable, for YOU. What feels to *you* like something you can live with more easily? There isn't any " right " or " wrong " answer, its just about what works or doesn't work for you, now. An alternative suggestion to mull over: either for dinner tonight, or the day after Thanksgiving, offer to take your dad out for a Thanksgiving-type meal. I hope you will find something that works for you; having an elderly bpd parent who is emotionally abusive toward you but no longer able to care for their own self properly is kind of a no-win situation. So its really a choice between bad option A or bad option B. Wishing you and all our fellow KOs here as stress-free a " holiday " as possible. -Annie > > Hi all, > I just received a phone call from the geriatric assistance place my family uses to help get my dad out and doing things since he isn't driving any longer (thanks to drinking his memory away). > > I made the tough decision to not have him at my home tomorrow for Thanksgiving and my siblings completely backed me up since I'm the one who gets most of the abuse and the holiday is in my home. > > I said I don't care what other people think but now the geriatric admin said, " Your dad keeps saying that no one has told him what's going on for Thanksgiving. Can you let me know so we can tell him? I'm sure he's just forgotten. " > > I froze. > > I said that I'd be talking to him today and will have " another " discussion with him though, in reality, I haven't even mentioned Thanksgiving to him at all. > > It made me realize that I DO care what people think of me though I really thought I didn't when I made the decision to not have him here. He will be alone on the holiday and I did take that into consideration. > > Now what? Do I let him come over so I can maintain a decent relationship with the geriatric place and " suck it up " ? OR do I stick to my guns and deal with having people think the worst of me? > > This is so hard. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 21, 2012 Report Share Posted November 21, 2012 You have a good number of options. 1.. Tell the service that your father does not seem to be able to comprehend that he is not having dinner at your house and ask them if they can help. 2.. Recruit your most resilient family member to drop off a meal at his place either before or after your family meal. 3.. Call " Meals on Wheels " and ask them to drop off a meal for your father. 4.. Do nothing and let your father actually fend for himself. 5.. Allow your father to come for a set period of time. Level with the service about how his behavior upsets " some family members " and ask for strict drop off and pick up times. 6.. Honestly tell your father that while he is loved but his upsetting behavior is not welcome in your home. Let him know he will be asked to leave the second he " starts in. " Have two or three people ready and willing to drive him home in the event he becomes too much for one person to face. Remember YOU are the adult and in control now. He can only hurt you if you allow him too. Do what best protects yourself and your family. REMEMBER we who are also KO's will never judge you and know exactly why you must act. MB .. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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