Fada is coming around...I think?

[Guest guest]

Hi all,

Fada had refused to talk to me on the phone back in May, after I had called home

and talked to mom several times. When she would hand him the phone he would

refuse to talk to me.

Then he sent me an email about how I've disappointed him so much, hurt him

deeply over things I never had done etc etc. I write back saying I never meant

to hurt him, let's realize we both made mistakes, and I can't have a healthy

relationship with him when everything we talk about is negative. Thus began a

back and forth of emails, him accusing me, me saying we can't have a

relationship if it's all negative (broken record).

I eventually stopped responding because it was getting exhausting and the stuff

he was saying to me in the emails was stressing me out.

SO - -today I get an email from him for the first time in a month. I didn't go

home for Thanksgiving this year because of the threats he's been making in his

emails and how he's been physically abusing my mom.

In the email he says how he misses me so much, how my family needs him, how it

hurts to have a child leave his life, and he just wants me back. This is a

sudden change, and as kind as it is for him to send a rational email, it

hurts..that he expects stuff to go back to normal all of a sudden.

I want to tell him that he needs help for his anger and needs to stop blaming

me, understand we've both made mistakes before I can have a relationship w him

again. He is an alcoholic, abuses my mom, and is severely depressed on top of

his BPD. I feel like this is an opportunity to get him to finally get help. Does

this sound reasonable? I just am not ready to jump into a relationship

pretending everything is okay when he's emotionally abused me for so long and my

mom is in physical danger around him..

[Guest guest]

I think what he was doing wasn't working at getting you under control so

he's trying a different route. I do not believe you can do anything to

" fix " him. Good luck!

> **

>

>

> Hi all,

>

> Fada had refused to talk to me on the phone back in May, after I had

> called home and talked to mom several times. When she would hand him the

> phone he would refuse to talk to me.

>

> Then he sent me an email about how I've disappointed him so much, hurt him

> deeply over things I never had done etc etc. I write back saying I never

> meant to hurt him, let's realize we both made mistakes, and I can't have a

> healthy relationship with him when everything we talk about is negative.

> Thus began a back and forth of emails, him accusing me, me saying we can't

> have a relationship if it's all negative (broken record).

>

> I eventually stopped responding because it was getting exhausting and the

> stuff he was saying to me in the emails was stressing me out.

>

> SO - -today I get an email from him for the first time in a month. I

> didn't go home for Thanksgiving this year because of the threats he's been

> making in his emails and how he's been physically abusing my mom.

>

> In the email he says how he misses me so much, how my family needs him,

> how it hurts to have a child leave his life, and he just wants me back.

> This is a sudden change, and as kind as it is for him to send a rational

> email, it hurts..that he expects stuff to go back to normal all of a sudden.

>

> I want to tell him that he needs help for his anger and needs to stop

> blaming me, understand we've both made mistakes before I can have a

> relationship w him again. He is an alcoholic, abuses my mom, and is

> severely depressed on top of his BPD. I feel like this is an opportunity to

> get him to finally get help. Does this sound reasonable? I just am not

> ready to jump into a relationship pretending everything is okay when he's

> emotionally abused me for so long and my mom is in physical danger around

> him..

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I think its healthy that you are stating your boundaries with your fada and

holding your ground; you are being assertive but kind, and that's very

adult/mature of you.

Your fada has multiple issues, any one of which are really extremely difficult

to address and change. Having borderline pd, alcoholism, and being a battering

husband as co-morbid conditions is a pretty SERIOUS, and probably very

deeply-entrenched set of issues.

I could be wrong, but my guess is that your fada probably sent you the more

" rational " e-mail out of fear: he fears losing you, so he's trying a different

tactic and telling you what you want to hear.

But (if I understand correctly) he hasn't actually spoken the words, " I realize

that I have problems: I have borderline pd, I am an alcoholic and I am an

abusive husband and I need to get help. I know now that I need to go into

therapy to help me learn how to change myself... etc. "

Its only when an individual (any individual) can accept personal responsibility

for their own words and behaviors (instead of blaming and projecting) that there

is a chance of real, positive changes occurring (with or without therapy.)

But the characteristic mind-set of those with personality disorder(s) and/or

alcoholism is that nothing bad is ever their fault, they have good reasons to

say and do whatever they say and do (they feel justified or entitled) and its

everyone else who " makes " them act the way they do (or, that there is nothing

wrong with whatever they say and do.) The pd person takes the stance that he is

the perpetual victim of others and has done nothing wrong himself, so why should

he seek to change himself when there's nothing wrong with him?

So, while there is a very slim chance that your fada is ready to take personal

responsibility for his behaviors and ready to do the ghastly difficult and

long-term work of changing himself, its more likely that your fada is just

telling you what you want to hear so that you won't go No Contact permanently.

Here's hoping that he truly has had an epiphany of personal insight and actually

wants to change.

I've posted at length before regarding how my Sister and I gave our nada an

ultimatum to go into therapy before we'd consider resuming contact with her,

that nada did go into therapy and seemed to undergo a miraculous positive change

for a while (so that Sister resumed contact) which ended abruptly in a

spectacular rage-tantrum meltdown on nada's part when nada could no longer

contain her anger/disappointment/hurt. The only thing that helped Sister was

for Sister to go into therapy herself; Sister learned how to emotionally detach

from our nada without guilt, so that Sister could continue to see to our nada's

basic needs without being emotionally vulnerable to nada and emotionally kicked

in the teeth by our nada, over and over. (I personally think my Sister is a

living Saint.)

But each individual situation is different; I hope yours will have a more

positive outcome than ours did.

-Annie

>

> Hi all,

>

> Fada had refused to talk to me on the phone back in May, after I had called

home and talked to mom several times. When she would hand him the phone he would

refuse to talk to me.

>

> Then he sent me an email about how I've disappointed him so much, hurt him

deeply over things I never had done etc etc. I write back saying I never meant

to hurt him, let's realize we both made mistakes, and I can't have a healthy

relationship with him when everything we talk about is negative. Thus began a

back and forth of emails, him accusing me, me saying we can't have a

relationship if it's all negative (broken record).

>

> I eventually stopped responding because it was getting exhausting and the

stuff he was saying to me in the emails was stressing me out.

>

> SO - -today I get an email from him for the first time in a month. I didn't go

home for Thanksgiving this year because of the threats he's been making in his

emails and how he's been physically abusing my mom.

>

> In the email he says how he misses me so much, how my family needs him, how it

hurts to have a child leave his life, and he just wants me back. This is a

sudden change, and as kind as it is for him to send a rational email, it

hurts..that he expects stuff to go back to normal all of a sudden.

>

> I want to tell him that he needs help for his anger and needs to stop blaming

me, understand we've both made mistakes before I can have a relationship w him

again. He is an alcoholic, abuses my mom, and is severely depressed on top of

his BPD. I feel like this is an opportunity to get him to finally get help. Does

this sound reasonable? I just am not ready to jump into a relationship

pretending everything is okay when he's emotionally abused me for so long and my

mom is in physical danger around him..

>

[Guest guest]

I'd recommend being very suspicious of any seeming change of

attitude. People with BPD will do whatever it takes to get what

they want, at least for a little while. Alcoholics often behave

similarly so he's got two strikes against him when it comes to

changing for the better. Once he has you back where he wants

you, he is likely to go back to being his old self. I think that

calling what you got " a rational email " is overstating things. I

don't see anything here that says he admitted to being at fault

or took responsibility for his own actions. I don't think it it

is rational to just expect that a few nice words will undo all

the damage done by a lifetime's worth of abuse.

I think it is reasonable to tell him that you can't have a

relationship with him unless he gets help and stops blaming you.

It is far less reasonable to believe that he'll really do what

you ask of him. He might possibly do something that gives the

appearance of doing what you ask, but the chances of him

actually sticking with any kind of therapy are very slim. If I

were in your position, I'd wait until he has demonstrated real

change before resuming much of a relationship with him and even

than I'd go slowly with it.

IAt 09:53 AM 11/23/2012 newlife9871 wrote:

>Hi all,

>

>Fada had refused to talk to me on the phone back in May, after

>I had called home and talked to mom several times. When she

>would hand him the phone he would refuse to talk to me.

>

>Then he sent me an email about how I've disappointed him so

>much, hurt him deeply over things I never had done etc etc. I

>write back saying I never meant to hurt him, let's realize we

>both made mistakes, and I can't have a healthy relationship

>with him when everything we talk about is negative. Thus began

>a back and forth of emails, him accusing me, me saying we can't

>have a relationship if it's all negative (broken record).

>

>I eventually stopped responding because it was getting

>exhausting and the stuff he was saying to me in the emails was

>stressing me out.

>

>SO - -today I get an email from him for the first time in a

>month. I didn't go home for Thanksgiving this year because of

>the threats he's been making in his emails and how he's been

>physically abusing my mom.

>

>In the email he says how he misses me so much, how my family

>needs him, how it hurts to have a child leave his life, and he

>just wants me back. This is a sudden change, and as kind as it

>is for him to send a rational email, it hurts..that he expects

>stuff to go back to normal all of a sudden.

>

>I want to tell him that he needs help for his anger and needs

>to stop blaming me, understand we've both made mistakes before

>I can have a relationship w him again. He is an alcoholic,

>abuses my mom, and is severely depressed on top of his BPD. I

>feel like this is an opportunity to get him to finally get

>help. Does this sound reasonable? I just am not ready to jump

>into a relationship pretending everything is okay when he's

>emotionally abused me for so long and my mom is in physical

>danger around him..

>

--

Katrina