Guest guest Posted November 23, 2012 Report Share Posted November 23, 2012 How beautiful and well written you letter! How well you are living your life. I'm very glad you are here. MB Re: New To Group Thank you for responding... I've already received validation through reading other's experiences which many resemble mine. Nobody, outside a group such as this, can really quite grasp the complexities of a relationship such as the one we all share. You can go to a therapist who can offer his/her's best advice that was learned from textbooks. Being on the receiving end of someone like Nada is something most can't identify with. NC seems to be the only answer for me. Nada has always been able to coax me out of NC through some kind of attention-getting ploy. After this latest episode, I must remain resolute in my decision. One good thing that has come from being Nada's daughter is it has made me a better mother to my own daughter than I might have otherwise been. I have spent her entire life being the best, caring, sensitive mother to her...not perfect, but the best I can be. The polar oppositie of Nada. > > > > > > > > > Where do I begin? > > > > > > I have this mother, well, if you can call her a mother... > > > > > > She's quite bright, can be charming and gracious one minute and then the most vile, abusive and destructive person in the next minute. She's been married six or seven times...we don't know for sure as we're not sure how many have been legal. She gave birth to two children, my brother and me. > > > > > > She comes from quite an upstanding family...one of five children, all accomplished with the exception of her. While her siblings went on to achieve Ph.d's, Masters degrees and success in business, my mother went on to carve a path of destruction in both her life and anyone she could take along for the ride including my brother and me. She is and has been verbally and psychologically abusive. It's a sport for her. > > > > > > This post could end up turning into a novel filled with stories that would shock even those having had experienced a parent with BPD. So I'll simply fast forward to present time... > > > > > > Four years ago, after having burnt all bridges in her home town, my mother was about to lose her home due to " living by her own rules " . My new husband had yet to meet her although he had heard the stories. Stories are one thing. I don't think anyone is ever quite prepared for in-person. I hadn't had much contact with her at that time as I had been distanced from her for about five years. There had been the occasional phone calls...all sugar and spice for a while but eventually spiraling into the viciousness that was always certain. > > > My husband and I agreed to do the humanitarian thing and move her to where we had been living rather than live with the idea of her being homeless. Granted, she had two sisters living near her at the time but both had turned their backs on her. I could not allow my mother to have nowhere to go. That said, I allowed myself to drift into a fantasy of " things being different this time " . They were worse than ever. Her rages and threats of killing me resulted in my having to take Peace Bond out on her, which is something you only see on the Jerry Springer show. That didn't stop her. She continued to terrorize me and ruined my reputation in the city where we lived. She was able to " infiltrate " my world and spread vicious lies about me. People thought I was the nut job. My husband's work required us to move out of town and I couldn't get away fast enough. That was three years ago. For the past three years, it's the usual phone relationship...sugar and spice for a while ending up in viciousness that results in my blocking her number for months on end. Then she always does something/gets herself into trouble which gets me out of hiding to rescue her. Of course, I never disappoint. > > > > > > My mother feels entitled to say and do anything she pleases. Rules apply to everyone else. Boundaries? What are those? She had been driving her car with an expired license, expired tags and no insurance. She lives in a city in the South where some eccentricities are accepted and people just began to accept her for being " one of those " . That is until she began calling people racial slurs and getting into more and more arguments at her local grocery store where she was eventually banned. That didn't matter, she continued to visit the grocery store in " disguises " but they knew it was her and allowed her to shop until the last incident when they had her arrested. While that was bad enough, we learned she had been on probation for finally getting cited for the driving stuff. Of course, she never paid the $100 fine so her grocery store arrest landed her in jail for 32 days. > > > > > > As a family we were not only shocked, we were saddened. We all had hoped that maybe this was rock bottom for her and she would emerge with a desire to live a different and more civilized kind of life. > > > We were all involved...her younger sister made two trips to see her, we worked with her attorney, had meals delivered to her, hired in-home nursing, hired a care giver to run her errands and talked about moving her somewhere where she might be happier. Needless to say she loved the attention (we had also learned she was the most popular in-mate in jail...telling her great tales of her great life). It only took a week for her to return to her vicious self. Nobody is talking to her again. My husband and I continue to pay her rent, as we have for four years, and living expenses. I helps me sleep at night. > > > > > > People who don't really know me see me as a vivacious, outgoing woman. People who do know me know the emotional pain I live with and the wounds that will never heal. > > > > > > What a life... > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 23, 2012 Report Share Posted November 23, 2012 Thank you... > ** > > > How beautiful and well written you letter! How well you are living your > life. I'm very glad you are here. > > MB > Re: New To Group > > Thank you for responding... > > I've already received validation through reading other's experiences which > many resemble mine. > > Nobody, outside a group such as this, can really quite grasp the > complexities of a relationship such as the one we all share. You can go to > a therapist who can offer his/her's best advice that was learned from > textbooks. Being on the receiving end of someone like Nada is something > most can't identify with. > > NC seems to be the only answer for me. Nada has always been able to coax > me out of NC through some kind of attention-getting ploy. After this latest > episode, I must remain resolute in my decision. > > One good thing that has come from being Nada's daughter is it has made me > a better mother to my own daughter than I might have otherwise been. I have > spent her entire life being the best, caring, sensitive mother to her...not > perfect, but the best I can be. The polar oppositie of Nada. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Where do I begin? > > > > > > > > I have this mother, well, if you can call her a mother... > > > > > > > > She's quite bright, can be charming and gracious one minute and then > the most vile, abusive and destructive person in the next minute. She's > been married six or seven times...we don't know for sure as we're not sure > how many have been legal. She gave birth to two children, my brother and me. > > > > > > > > She comes from quite an upstanding family...one of five children, > all accomplished with the exception of her. While her siblings went on to > achieve Ph.d's, Masters degrees and success in business, my mother went on > to carve a path of destruction in both her life and anyone she could take > along for the ride including my brother and me. She is and has been > verbally and psychologically abusive. It's a sport for her. > > > > > > > > This post could end up turning into a novel filled with stories that > would shock even those having had experienced a parent with BPD. So I'll > simply fast forward to present time... > > > > > > > > Four years ago, after having burnt all bridges in her home town, my > mother was about to lose her home due to " living by her own rules " . My new > husband had yet to meet her although he had heard the stories. Stories are > one thing. I don't think anyone is ever quite prepared for in-person. I > hadn't had much contact with her at that time as I had been distanced from > her for about five years. There had been the occasional phone calls...all > sugar and spice for a while but eventually spiraling into the viciousness > that was always certain. > > > > My husband and I agreed to do the humanitarian thing and move her to > where we had been living rather than live with the idea of her being > homeless. Granted, she had two sisters living near her at the time but both > had turned their backs on her. I could not allow my mother to have nowhere > to go. That said, I allowed myself to drift into a fantasy of " things being > different this time " . They were worse than ever. Her rages and threats of > killing me resulted in my having to take Peace Bond out on her, which is > something you only see on the Jerry Springer show. That didn't stop her. > She continued to terrorize me and ruined my reputation in the city where we > lived. She was able to " infiltrate " my world and spread vicious lies about > me. People thought I was the nut job. My husband's work required us to move > out of town and I couldn't get away fast enough. That was three years ago. > For the past three years, it's the usual phone relationship...sugar and > spice for a while ending up in viciousness that results in my blocking her > number for months on end. Then she always does something/gets herself into > trouble which gets me out of hiding to rescue her. Of course, I never > disappoint. > > > > > > > > My mother feels entitled to say and do anything she pleases. Rules > apply to everyone else. Boundaries? What are those? She had been driving > her car with an expired license, expired tags and no insurance. She lives > in a city in the South where some eccentricities are accepted and people > just began to accept her for being " one of those " . That is until she began > calling people racial slurs and getting into more and more arguments at her > local grocery store where she was eventually banned. That didn't matter, > she continued to visit the grocery store in " disguises " but they knew it > was her and allowed her to shop until the last incident when they had her > arrested. While that was bad enough, we learned she had been on probation > for finally getting cited for the driving stuff. Of course, she never paid > the $100 fine so her grocery store arrest landed her in jail for 32 days. > > > > > > > > As a family we were not only shocked, we were saddened. We all had > hoped that maybe this was rock bottom for her and she would emerge with a > desire to live a different and more civilized kind of life. > > > > We were all involved...her younger sister made two trips to see her, > we worked with her attorney, had meals delivered to her, hired in-home > nursing, hired a care giver to run her errands and talked about moving her > somewhere where she might be happier. Needless to say she loved the > attention (we had also learned she was the most popular in-mate in > jail...telling her great tales of her great life). It only took a week for > her to return to her vicious self. Nobody is talking to her again. My > husband and I continue to pay her rent, as we have for four years, and > living expenses. I helps me sleep at night. > > > > > > > > People who don't really know me see me as a vivacious, outgoing > woman. People who do know me know the emotional pain I live with and the > wounds that will never heal. > > > > > > > > What a life... > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 24, 2012 Report Share Posted November 24, 2012 " One good thing that has come from being Nada's daughter is it has made me a better mother to my own daughter than I might have otherwise been. I have spent her entire life being the best, caring, sensitive mother to her...not perfect, but the best I can be. The polar oppositie of Nada. "  Agreed. I come from a long line of bad moms, and I'm determined that it stops with me (or should I say before me?).  Good luck to you.  ________________________________ To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Friday, November 23, 2012 5:15 PM Subject: Welcome Jannielee  How beautiful and well written you letter! How well you are living your life. I'm very glad you are here. MB Re: New To Group Thank you for responding... I've already received validation through reading other's experiences which many resemble mine. Nobody, outside a group such as this, can really quite grasp the complexities of a relationship such as the one we all share. You can go to a therapist who can offer his/her's best advice that was learned from textbooks. Being on the receiving end of someone like Nada is something most can't identify with. NC seems to be the only answer for me. Nada has always been able to coax me out of NC through some kind of attention-getting ploy. After this latest episode, I must remain resolute in my decision. One good thing that has come from being Nada's daughter is it has made me a better mother to my own daughter than I might have otherwise been. I have spent her entire life being the best, caring, sensitive mother to her...not perfect, but the best I can be. The polar oppositie of Nada. > > > > > > > > > Where do I begin? > > > > > > I have this mother, well, if you can call her a mother... > > > > > > She's quite bright, can be charming and gracious one minute and then the most vile, abusive and destructive person in the next minute. She's been married six or seven times...we don't know for sure as we're not sure how many have been legal. She gave birth to two children, my brother and me. > > > > > > She comes from quite an upstanding family...one of five children, all accomplished with the exception of her. While her siblings went on to achieve Ph.d's, Masters degrees and success in business, my mother went on to carve a path of destruction in both her life and anyone she could take along for the ride including my brother and me. She is and has been verbally and psychologically abusive. It's a sport for her. > > > > > > This post could end up turning into a novel filled with stories that would shock even those having had experienced a parent with BPD. So I'll simply fast forward to present time... > > > > > > Four years ago, after having burnt all bridges in her home town, my mother was about to lose her home due to " living by her own rules " . My new husband had yet to meet her although he had heard the stories. Stories are one thing. I don't think anyone is ever quite prepared for in-person. I hadn't had much contact with her at that time as I had been distanced from her for about five years. There had been the occasional phone calls...all sugar and spice for a while but eventually spiraling into the viciousness that was always certain. > > > My husband and I agreed to do the humanitarian thing and move her to where we had been living rather than live with the idea of her being homeless. Granted, she had two sisters living near her at the time but both had turned their backs on her. I could not allow my mother to have nowhere to go. That said, I allowed myself to drift into a fantasy of " things being different this time " . They were worse than ever. Her rages and threats of killing me resulted in my having to take Peace Bond out on her, which is something you only see on the Jerry Springer show. That didn't stop her. She continued to terrorize me and ruined my reputation in the city where we lived. She was able to " infiltrate " my world and spread vicious lies about me. People thought I was the nut job. My husband's work required us to move out of town and I couldn't get away fast enough. That was three years ago. For the past three years, it's the usual phone relationship...sugar and spice for a while ending up in viciousness that results in my blocking her number for months on end. Then she always does something/gets herself into trouble which gets me out of hiding to rescue her. Of course, I never disappoint. > > > > > > My mother feels entitled to say and do anything she pleases. Rules apply to everyone else. Boundaries? What are those? She had been driving her car with an expired license, expired tags and no insurance. She lives in a city in the South where some eccentricities are accepted and people just began to accept her for being " one of those " . That is until she began calling people racial slurs and getting into more and more arguments at her local grocery store where she was eventually banned. That didn't matter, she continued to visit the grocery store in " disguises " but they knew it was her and allowed her to shop until the last incident when they had her arrested. While that was bad enough, we learned she had been on probation for finally getting cited for the driving stuff. Of course, she never paid the $100 fine so her grocery store arrest landed her in jail for 32 days. > > > > > > As a family we were not only shocked, we were saddened. We all had hoped that maybe this was rock bottom for her and she would emerge with a desire to live a different and more civilized kind of life. > > > We were all involved...her younger sister made two trips to see her, we worked with her attorney, had meals delivered to her, hired in-home nursing, hired a care giver to run her errands and talked about moving her somewhere where she might be happier. Needless to say she loved the attention (we had also learned she was the most popular in-mate in jail...telling her great tales of her great life). It only took a week for her to return to her vicious self. Nobody is talking to her again. My husband and I continue to pay her rent, as we have for four years, and living expenses. I helps me sleep at night. > > > > > > People who don't really know me see me as a vivacious, outgoing woman. People who do know me know the emotional pain I live with and the wounds that will never heal. > > > > > > What a life... > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You are posting as a guest. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.