my stepdad just passed away :(

November 24, 2012

dear all, i had made a few posts in the last couple months about my step dad

having cancer. he just passed away today. i am happy for him for now i know he

is truly peaceful. the pain i feel is that of my bpd nada who has lost him...he

was her emotional punching bag for 18 years. me and my younger brother have made

contact through a family member to let nada know that we would like to be there

for her to support her in this difficult time....waiting to hear back. my nada

is queen/witch and i dont know how unpredicatble she is going to be in this

vunerable time....any thoughts would be appreciated

November 24, 2012

So sorry to hear about your situation. I'm assuming you've been NC for a

while. That will be very tough. I wish I had some wisdom but like you said

they are unpredictable so really the only thing you can do is be prepared

for anything and not allow yourself to get sucked in emotionally. . . medium

chill!

November 24, 2012

So sorry to hear about your step-dad...

he is at peace now.

This will be a tough time for all. This is a perfect example of how a life

event or some kind of experience will force us to step outside our NC

status and become engaged in Nada's life again.

The challenge will be what to do moving forward. Establishing new

boundaries based on an entirely new dynamic.

J

November 24, 2012

Please allow me to offer my sympathy and condolances to you. This will be a

trying time and you are very wise to reach out for help.

There is no way to predict how your nada will react. Her moods may change form

day to day, minute to minute, or seem like normal grief. You've made the

compassionate offer to be there for her. The ball is in her court (and you never

know how it is going to bounce off the padded walls!).

Be kind to yourself during this time. Do whatever you need to do to honor the

memory of your step-father. Create as much closure as you can and then accept

that you must move on.

It is hard to accept that we can not change the past. We can not magically cure

BPD. Our only option to work on ourselves and to be as loving and kind as

possible.

MB

November 24, 2012

My thoughts are with you on losing your stepdad. Its hard to lose a parent.

And I agree that its kind and compassionate of you to offer to break contact so

you can be supportive of your bpd mother in her grief and loss, but I hope that

you will do this with your eyes open and with your boundaries in place. The

death of her spouse is probably triggering your nada's abandonment fears

extremely.

My nada behaved in a very out-of-character way when my dad died; she became very

unemotional, almost robot-like. She efficiently and emotionlessly took care of

all the details surrounding dad's terminal illness, his death, funeral and

cremation. I didn't see or hear her cry the whole time I was there. I think

nada might have slipped into a state of denial or depersonalization or

something; perhaps the shock was too great for her?

Nada's detached, unemotional yet efficient and outwardly functional state lasted

for months. Nada relayed to me (after the fact) that she'd had an explosive,

hysterical crying fit nearly a year after dad died, when she'd had to have her

elderly cat put to sleep. After that, nada began acting more like herself

again, such as using Sister as her emotional punching bag (as she'd treated dad,

and as she'd treated Sister and me when we were growing up.) Nada's standard

bpd behaviors returned in full force.

So, I agree that its important to stay aware; stay " in the moment " , and if your

nada becomes abusive toward you then enforce your boundaries and take a time

out, or whatever you decide the consequences of boundary-violation are. Its OK

to maintain your boundaries and enforce them even with a grieving nada.

You were not put on this earth to be her emotional or physical punching bag.

-Annie

>

> Please allow me to offer my sympathy and condolances to you. This will be a

trying time and you are very wise to reach out for help.

>

> There is no way to predict how your nada will react. Her moods may change form

day to day, minute to minute, or seem like normal grief. You've made the

compassionate offer to be there for her. The ball is in her court (and you never

know how it is going to bounce off the padded walls!).

>

> Be kind to yourself during this time. Do whatever you need to do to honor the

memory of your step-father. Create as much closure as you can and then accept

that you must move on.

>

> It is hard to accept that we can not change the past. We can not magically

cure BPD. Our only option to work on ourselves and to be as loving and kind as

possible.

>

> MB

>

November 24, 2012

thanks everyone,

my dad who passed on the message to my nada this morning called me just

now. he said while he was talking to her paying his repsects and

sympathies she was quite and crying. at the end he mentioned that me and

my brother and before he could go on she hung up the phone. he rang

again no answer, tried the second time and my older brother picked up

(who has traits of bpd and we have had no contcact with him either) he

told my dad that my nada does not want to hear our names at all. My dad

than went on very gently and tactlfully explaining that me and my

brother just want to be there for her and show support, in which he just

listened and said ok. my dad said he thinks he may pass on the message

depending on her emtional state. I wasnt epxecting her to welcome me

with open arms or anything close to that but hearing how she reacted at

such a hard time for her hurts. i guess will just wait and see. the

funeral is going to be in a day or two and not sure what i should do??

thankyou again

> >

> > Please allow me to offer my sympathy and condolances to you. This

will be a trying time and you are very wise to reach out for help.

> >

> > There is no way to predict how your nada will react. Her moods may

change form day to day, minute to minute, or seem like normal grief.

You've made the compassionate offer to be there for her. The ball is in

her court (and you never know how it is going to bounce off the padded

walls!).

> >

> > Be kind to yourself during this time. Do whatever you need to do to

honor the memory of your step-father. Create as much closure as you can

and then accept that you must move on.

> >

> > It is hard to accept that we can not change the past. We can not

magically cure BPD. Our only option to work on ourselves and to be as

loving and kind as possible.

> >

> > MB

> >

November 24, 2012

Well said...

You have made yourself available to Nada.

What she chooses to do is her choice.

You need to have your personal closure with your step dad.

Take care of you...that's all you can control.

November 25, 2012

the drama has escalated....my cousin also conveyed the message to my

nada when she went to visit today that me and my bro want to see her and

support her. After she said this my nada completely went APE SHIT into

rage....she started breaking things and screaming and cursing me and my

brother. My other relatives were there too who are flyiny monkeys who

also started raging calling us names. My cousin said she had never seen

such a thing and she had to leave..sigh. she said that my nada is only

being fueled by evil people and i believe that....i guess its clear to

me that i should stay away and not go to the funeral..

>

> Well said...

>

> You have made yourself available to Nada.

> What she chooses to do is her choice.

>

> You need to have your personal closure with your step dad.

>

> Take care of you...that's all you can control.

>

November 25, 2012

I'm so sorry. Would it help you and your brother to honor and say goodbye to

your stepdad if you visit his gravesite after the formal burial service?

Perhaps the kindly cousin you mentioned would like to visit his gravesite with

the two of you; it would be like a private memorial service for him.

Its so sad that your nada is reacting in this manner; bpd fear of abandonment

can be overwhelming for them, and I'm guessing that your nada may also have

built up a lot of narcissistic rage that she's expressing now. Even in non-pd

people, deep grief can be expressed in extreme ways, and even in strangely

out-of-character ways (as my nada did). Keep reminding yourself that your

nada's mental illness, her feelings and her behaviors are truly not about you;

you didn't cause her to be the way she is and you can't change her or cure her.

Keep reminding yourself that your nada's extreme reactions are coming from

someone whose brain isn't wired the way most people's are.

My best wishes for you and your brother that you will be able to have peace and

closure with your stepdad's passing.

-Annie

> >

> > Well said...

> >

> > You have made yourself available to Nada.

> > What she chooses to do is her choice.

> >

> > You need to have your personal closure with your step dad.

> >

> > Take care of you...that's all you can control.

> >

November 25, 2012

It seems that your cousin is very insightful as to the workings of your family.

BPD is more than one person's mental state. It is a disease that devastates

entire families.

While I strongly applaud you for doing what is best for you, I would be remiss

if i did not remind you that you are allowed to " think outside the box. " You may

invite those who are stable to join you for a dinner in memory of your step

father, donate to his favorite charity, visit his grave or the area where his

ashes were spread, or hold a private memorial in his honor (it can be as simple

as reading his favorite poem aloud in a place that he loved). Do not allow

yourself to be robbed of closure. You are a valuable human being and your nada's

actions do not define you.

Beth