New member, very very sad

Posted February 12, 2008 · February 12, 2008

Hi,

This group was recommended to me by someone on the Surviving

Infidelity forums. I'm very sad because I have lost my husband and I

think that it is largely because of my sexual problems.

My husband and I have been married just short of ten years. Before

this happened, I thought we were the happiest couple in the world,

and I was the luckiest person. I thought this right up until the

night in mid-October that I pulled into a dive bar down the street

and my headlights picked out two people standing in the parking lot,

making out: my husband, and his co-worker. The one who had been

making advances toward him since summer, advances which I had been

told were diligently being repelled.

Let me back up and tell it from the beginning. My husband and I had a

short but intense courtship. Everything was great between us for a

few years. Everyone always thought we were the greatest couple

because we enjoyed so many of the same things and appeared to be

inseparable. I was extremely happy, probably the happiest I'll ever be.

But, something happened. I did not have a lot of romantic experience

when I got together with him. I'd had only one serious relationship,

in college, and although that lasted more than a year it never

actually progressed to being a sexual relationship, so my husband was

(is) my first and only sexual partner. Sometime in 2000, something

started going wrong. I started avoiding sex and I wasn't even really

sure why. I have always been shy about such matters and I couldn't

bring myself to talk to my husband about it, because I didn't even

understand what was wrong. Eventually I realized that the problem was

that sex was starting to hurt. I thought it was just in my head and I

needed to will myself over it or something.

Around late 2000 and early 2001, we had a marital crisis. WS had

gotten increasingly unhappy over my avoidance of sex. He felt

rejected and unattractive, and I understand that and now feel very

bad about it. He sat me down and told me that he was unhappy. He said

he had developed feelings for someone at his work (his previous

workplace, not where he is now) and that they had not done anything

inappropriate but that he felt I should know. He thought that his

feelings for her were a symptom of his unhappiness. We went to

marriage counseling together and sorted some things out. But the

thing is, through all of this, I still never admitted to my sexual

problem. I started having sex again more often to make my husband

happy, but it still hurt. I could still enjoy it once I got started,

but it was hard to bring myself to start because of the anticipation

of pain. Through all of this I felt terrible, of course. I felt like

we didn't have a full relationship, and that I was not much of a

wife, and it made me very sad.

Over the years I started avoiding sex again. Finally, I realized that

this couldn't be normal and something must be really wrong with me.

Sometime around 2004 I finally told my husband that I thought

something was wrong with me. He was so glad I told him. That night

when he came to bed he hugged me and said, " I'm glad you told me

that. " Now he knew it wasn't anything about him. But I still didn't

know what to do. I didn't have any health insurance at the time, nor

a regular doctor. I went to Planned Parenthood every year to get my

exam and birth control pills. So, the next time I went, I asked about

my problem. The nurse practicioner said that I was getting older and

needed to use more lubricant. (I was only 30 at the time, and already

used plenty.) I had to come back in six months due to an abnormal Pap

smear and at that time I raised the issue again. This time the NP

said I had a yeast infection and that was causing the pain, so she

prescribed a yeast remedy. Six months after that I came back again

and this time was told that if I hadn't been having sex very often

for a while it might hurt a bit when I started again. I knew that

wasn't it either.

Eventually, I did have health insurance, and I decided that PP wasn't

going to help me, so I made an appointment with a doctor who my

husband had seen in the past. It took a while to get in to see her

the first time, so that brings us to around Christmas 2006. I told

her about my problem and she wanted me to make another appointment

for a pelvic exam, so I did that and came back again in January. She

examined me and could not find anything wrong, so she referred me to

a gynecologist. It was a male doctor, and I was terribly squeamish at

first having never seen a male gynecologist before, but since he was

an expert in this sort of disorder, I decided to bite the bullet. My

husband felt a bit sorry about my having to see a male doctor but I

told him that it was more important to me to actually get better.

So I saw the GYN, and he diagnosed me with vestibulodynia, which I

had read about (under its other name, vestibulitis). I had really

hoped I was wrong about having it.

For most of the rest of 2007 I got put on various drugs. He tried

Cymbalta, but it made my already-high blood pressure spike so I had

to go off it. Then he put me on increasing doses of Lyrica, which

didn't help either but did cause me to get so lethargic that I fell

asleep standing up in a line at the amusement park. Then he tapered

me off that (which caused a massive two-day anxiety attack) and put

me on increasingly huge doses of desipramine, which makes my mouth so

dry that it sticks closed sometimes.

In late August, WS confessed something to me, something that he had

been unable to decide whether to tell me at first. The previous week,

a woman at his work (the Other Woman, henceforth OW) had been out at

a bar with him and another co-worker. OW suddenly announced (in front

of the innocent third party, who ran to the bathroom in

embarrassment) that " I want to f--- this person, " referring of course

to my husband. I ranted about what a nasty person OW is (she has

already been married once and it ended in less than a year because of

her cheating) but I didn't put any blame on my husband. Then he told

me that there was something else bothering him. He said that he'd

told his best friend (a woman, but not the OW) about my

vestibulodynia. I had asked him not to tell anyone about it. I got a

bit angry and he said that he needed to be able to confide in someone

about it because the whole thing was hard for him. He further said

that his constant state of sexual frustration was something he

thought other people picked up on and that this was why OW made a

pass at him. I reminded him that I couldn't help it but that I was

trying my best. Over the next month, WS told me that OW had also been

doing things like text messaging him to say " I'm alone at home and

it's a chilly night " and things like that (even though at the time

she was living with a fiance). He had me go out with him and OW to

" send her a message " and she brought her boyfriend so he claimed to

think that everything was resolved. (He should have just ceased

having any contact with her, of course. But I trusted him, and I knew

he didn't want to give her up as a friend, so I didn't insist he stay

away from her. I did tell him he ought not be alone with her.)

In mid-September I had gone back to my doctor's office for a follow

up on my blood pressure. My regular doctor had moved out of state,

though, and I was now seeing another doctor that she recommended.

This new doctor asked whether my sex problem had been resolved and I

said that the GYN was still trying me on various things but that

nothing worked. She asked, " Have you tried seeing a physical

therapist who specializes in pelvic pain? " I said I hadn't and she

suggested that I should at least give it a try. She recommended me to

someone.

So I started PT, twice a week. It was about the most humiliating

thing I could imagine, but I did it in the desperate hope that it

would make a difference. Meanwhile, the GYN prescribed Emla cream to

try to make sex comfortable enough to be doable. (I don't know why he

didn't do that earlier.) Between the cream and the PT relaxation

exercises, I started to think that I might be able to start having

sex again.

But, in mid-October, the parking lot incident occurred. One night I

could not figure out where my husband was, and my friend suggested I

check some of our regular hangouts. So I pulled into Local Dive's

parking lot and they were standing there making out, arms completely

wrapped around each other. I laid on the horn in a fury, and after a

horribly long time (perhaps five seconds) they finally realized

someone was honking at them and split up. When they saw me, she

turned and walked away as fast as possible and he slowly came to the

car with a hang-dog look. Afterward he swore that this was the only

time he had ever done something like this, that he didn't really have

any feelings for her, etc. I tried to reconcile with him.

Near the end of October, he went to visit his best friend up north,

and when he came back he sat me down again and told me that he had

realized something. " I feel like our relationship is more that of

best friends than a married couple. " I pointed out all the things we

did and shared together and he said, " companionship is fine if you're

in your 50s, but not in your 30s. I'm too young for that. " He said

that he'd kissed OW because " I'm not going to be attractive to people

like that for much longer. " He said that he'd considered separating

from me and " dating " me, but realized he couldn't really afford to

live separately and also that he might decide he liked being apart

from me after all and so it would be " stringing me along. "

I tried to reason with him in various ways at this point. I'll spare

you the details. The long and short of it is that I told him that I

thought we could, and should, start having sex again (my PT person

said I needed to start again and to have him help me with exercises).

He said that after so long without he felt kind of funny " thinking

that way " about me but said this would probably go away over time.

So I bought a cute little chemise and tried to make myself especially

attractive. And we did have sex again -- three times over a couple of

weeks -- and with the cream it was actually enjoyable for me. I felt

like I was finally getting better. But my husband now started

avoiding sex with me. He kept rejecting my advances, telling me I was

making him uncomfortable, and he made some insulting remarks about

how I wasn't very romantic about it, and he also didn't like the fact

that I have to apply the cream 30 minutes in advance for it to work

properly and so things couldn't be totally spontaneous. One time when

I went to put it on during foreplay he testily said, " I don't want to

*see* you put it on! " On another occasion, I tried putting on the

chemise along with a silk robe that he had previously always found

very sexy, and he said, " I told you I just wanted to have a normal

evening at home, but there you go again putting on that slutty

outfit. You can't go from ice queen to slut in five seconds. " I was

terribly hurt and sad and frustrated.

Then, right after my birthday, I went to stay a week at my mom and

dad's, with the idea that it might help us like it did during our

previous crisis. Instead, his emails to me started out warm and

affectionate but gradually got briefer and more cryptic until I knew

something was wrong. When I came back, he sat me down, told me it was

over, and I spent three hours or so begging him to reconsider. I

asked him to come to counseling with me; he refused. I asked him to

give us more time to work things out. " How much time? " " A year --

give it a year and if you're still unhappy then leave. " " A year is a

long time. I'm 33 years old. I'm not going to be attractive to people

much longer. " He again said that he is too young to settle for a

relationship of companionship. I told him that after ten years

people's love isn't going to be intense the way it is at the onset of

a relationship. He said, " Yes, but they should still be 'at it.' " I

said we could be at it again if he would quit rejecting me and he

said, " It's too late. By the time you told me about your problem, we

were already getting distant from each other. You pushed me away

until there was nothing left. " But I first told him in 2004 -- years

ago now -- and we seemed to be doing fine in the interim. He says I

" lied to him for years, " a lie of omission I guess, and that this is

somehow roughly equivalent to the way he betrayed me with OW. He

denied, though, that any of this was about OW. He said he was not

going to get involved with her and that he just wanted to live alone

for a while so he could see what it's like to be independent.

So he drove me back to my parents' house and left me on their porch,

at 1:30 a.m. He hugged me and said, " I'm sorry. It will be all right.

We'll both be stronger. "

Hmph.

That was Tuesday. The following Monday I met with him at a cafe to

discuss the terms of what I thought was going to be a trial

separation (as that was the impression he left me with). He informed

me that he'd already been to a lawyer and signed a divorce complaint.

I again argued for separation. He said, " What's the point of that? " I

said, " In case you change your mind. " He said he was not going to

change his mind. I said, " How can you be so sure? " He looked me in

the eye and said, " Because I'm not in love with you. "

Awful... just awful.

And within a few days after that, he emailed me and told me he is in

love with OW. He says our problem is that I am smarter than he, but

weaker. (He used to like that I was smart, but in recent times he has

seemed to hold my intelligence against me for some reason.) By

" weaker, " he means that I am very conciliatory -- he has a quick

temper and can be a jerk sometimes, and when that happens I usually

try to pacify him. Apparently that's not what he wanted; he likes OW

because she can put him in his place and hold her own when he's wrong

about something. And he likes her because she is his intellectual

equal. This is why they can be equals, and we were never equals. But

I don't buy any of that as being his real reason.

Basically what this comes down to, then, is that (it seems to me) my

husband left me because he knows I won't be able to have the sex life

he could have with a wild thing like OW (they've been messing around

in the stockroom so much at work that he got reprimanded twice about

it).

So, everyone tells me that this isn't about me, it's about my

husband. But I don't know if I can really say that. Perhaps if I had

been open about my problem earlier, things might not have gotten so

bad. He has certainly made that claim, saying that the issue isn't

that I have a medical problem but that I " lied " about it for so many

years. I don't know what to believe. I do know that this may not ever

have happened if I had normal sexual functioning, and that makes me

feel awful. It also makes me feel like I am unlikely to ever find

anyone else, either. I thought I was so lucky that my husband

understood about my problem and was supportive -- since he was, up

until this thing with OW happened. Having to start a relationship by

telling someone that we won't be able to have a normal sex life seems

like -- well, like I might as well get used to being alone. And what

makes me angry is that I know that he knows it will be hard for me to

find another relationship.

Meanwhile, he doesn't have to be alone. He gets to be with someone

else. The unfairness of it makes me so angry. And I'm still in love

with him, and I think of all the wonderful adventures we had together

over ten years, all the things we shared, all the little private

jokes and happy moments and such... and it hurts terribly.

Thanks for reading my story.

aka BunnyHugger

Posted February 12, 2008 · February 12, 2008

> Around late 2000 and early 2001, we had a marital crisis. WS had

> gotten increasingly unhappy over my avoidance of sex.

Oops, I tried to remind myself that I wasn't on the infidelity forum when I sent

this, but I

accidentally reverted to that lingo in a few places. WS= Wayward Spouse, my

husband, of

course.

Posted February 12, 2008 · February 12, 2008

, I wish I had the words to make your pain go away. So sorry to hear about not only the vulvar pain you have experienced, but also the pain of your marriage ending. We have a lot of great info on this group and hopefully we'll be able to throw out a suggestion that might help. I do believe there is 'hope' for those of us with Vulvar/Genital Pain. I have come a long, long way since mine begin years ago. By chance are you still in counseling for yourself? If not, that would probably be a good idea. You should really take the time to concentrate on 'yourself' and allow your heart to heal and work through any pain and anger. I think most of us on here will tell you that stress will make the pain worse, or even lead to a 'flare up'. When you are up to it, tell us where you live and someone might could throw out a

suggestion of a doc, or PT, or someone that might can help. I wish you all the best. Hugs, Chelle

Posted February 12, 2008 · February 12, 2008

:

Thank you for sharing your sad story. My wife and I are struggling

with this same situation and have so much in common with you.

We have been married now for 8 years and my wife wasn't diagnosed with

Vestibulitis/Vulvodynia until we had been married for 4 years. My

wife is 30 and I am 33, so our ages are very similar, too. I

completely understand the emotional difficulties your ex experienced

and my heart goes out to you.

Just last night my wife asked me if I wanted a divorce, not due to any

infidelity but because our lack of physical intimacy has been so

emotionally difficult. She is currently treating with Nortriptolene

and two different steroid creams, but the psychological trauma from

years of painful sex (pain in varying degrees) prevents our intimacy

as much as the physical limitations.

Part of the frustration is the non-linear nature of the disease. A

couple years ago, we had sex maybe 6 times all year. But with

diagnosis and treatment, we have managed and the outlook has been

optomistic. But there are ups and downs and we can't take anything

for granted.

I don't experience the physical pain, but the lack of sex in an

otherwise loving relationship has stunted our ability to express and

share intimacy. And the prospect of a lifetime of " sexless " marriage

is difficult for a relatively young man to accept.

On the issue of divorce, I won't consider leaving marriage for this

and I hope to avoid temptations outside our marriage. I am struggling

with feeling emotionally disconnected from her right now because I

need relief from the pain of rejection.

Posted February 12, 2008 · February 12, 2008

,

I am really sorry you have had such a bad time and I

hope it all gets better and better.

But for now it seems to me like he is playing games

with you and I don't think you should play or make

yourself available for the abuse. (Sounds like a

child)(just my opinion)

Sometimes we confuse pain with love. Maybe you should

sit down and write down just what it is you love about

him. Is he really worthy of all that love? What is

lovable about him? Try to separate the pain from what

you think is love. It might help.

Get on with your life and to getting better. Leave

behind the people who try to destroy you.

Arline

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Posted February 12, 2008 · February 12, 2008

Dear ,I do believe from reading your story that your husband just wasn't mature enough to handle that type of situation. And really, if you didn't have a vulvar disorder, there would have been something else that came up that he couldn't handle. It really sounds like he made a lot of excuses for himself and that he actually just isn't a strong person. The whole "she is on my intellectual level..." blah, blah, blah..., right!It takes a very long time to recover from divorce, it is like death...there are stages of grief that you must go through and learn how to deal with...there are always those memories that will make you sad at times, (I was married for 12 years, now divorced and happily remarried) but those memories are part of you and your life experiences- they make you stronger.I agree with the previous post suggesting counseling. I think that you need help sorting through some of these feelings and get through the cloudiness to see the

sunshine! You will find love again...have you heard the old saying, "Once you have loved, it is much easier to love again" It is true. I believe that. I have seen so many of my friends go through this and although it does take time, we do move on and have happiness again. Best of luck to you and hang in there...time heals all wounds.Hugs,Ami"bunny.hugger" wrote: > Around late 2000 and early 2001, we had a marital crisis. WS had > gotten increasingly unhappy over my avoidance of sex. Oops, I tried to remind myself that I wasn't on the infidelity forum when I sent this, but I accidentally reverted to that lingo in a few places. WS= Wayward Spouse, my husband, of course.

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Posted February 12, 2008 · February 12, 2008

Hi ,I'm so sorry you are going through this, it sounds very difficult and painful. I may not be the best person to give advice right now, but I just wanted to tell you that I can relate a bit to what you are going through. I am breaking up with my boyfriend of almost 8 years, and it is terribly horrible and heartbreaking. My hair stood up when I got to where he told you he doesn't love you anymore. It reminded me of when my boyfriend looked and me and said 'I will never be your family'. I have found that while it is necessary to mourn the love you had for each other, the inside jokes, the special times, you have to keep in mind the things that you were not compatible about. I can understand that maybe he was frustrated with some of the sexual issues, but DON'T start second guessing not telling him sooner, etc. You barely even knew or understood the diagnosis, don't blame yourself. He doesn't know what it's like to feel like his penis is on fire or itching like crazy. Yes, sex is important, but I truly believe that you can find other ways to be intimate, and it sounds like you really tried everything. Bottom line, this man is not supportive of you, and you sound like an intelligent and wonderful person, who can and will move on and find a more loving relationship. It really sounds like he had a lot of other issues other than the lack of sex thing - he was being dishonest with you and that it bullsh*t. Seriously, the comment he made to you about not being able to find other attractive women while he's still in his 30's.....whew, you must have wanted to chop off his head.Anyway, if it makes you feel any better, I am right with you on the rollercoaster of emotions that come with a break-up / divorce. It is not easy, but with time I think you will find strength, peace and liberation. nicoleTo: VulvarDisorders From: bunnyhugger@...Date: Tue, 12 Feb 2008 10:49:40 -0500Subject: New member, very very sad