I gave you life so I can take it away

[Guest guest]

What you've gone through is unspeakable, unfathomable and yet you're here,

sharing and reaching out to others. Big hugs to you.

As for the afterlife, that's beyond our comprehension. Since none of us have

traveled beyond the grave and come back to share exactly what goes on, I think

we have to leave it in God's hands (for those who believe in God). I've been a

member of many different churches over the years and except for the consistent

message that God is forgiving, there isn't much information on what happens to

the violent, mentally ill people. We have our own thoughts on what " justice "

should look like but God's views I think are different. So we have to let it go

and be responsible for our own lives. It's hard to do when we have scars but we

can be better than our nadas and fadas and make a positive difference for

others.

>

> >

> > I heard this one all the time as well. There are two events that haunt me

most. The time that I came closest to death was the day she beat me with a

hammer. IShe had ordered me to install instulation in the crawl space beneath

the farm house. When I bulked at the spiders and broken glass in the space,

WHAMMO! I completed that job with broken ribs and a dislovated shoulder that

never healed correctly. The second even gave me nightmares and flashbacks for

years. I don't recall what set nada off but she locked me in a room with no

light, heat, clothing, food or water. There was one very small and high window

that I could not reach and was frightend that if I did get out people would

think I was crazy for running around with no clothing.

> >

> > Looking back now that I understand BPD I can see how very sick nada was.

When she was in Witch Phase, which was almost every evening, my life really was

in danger. It's hard not to hate that part of her even if she was mentally ill.

> >

> > That leads me to another odd ball question. What happens to the mentally ill

after they die? I've heard countless sermons on how physical suffering ends in

heaven. What about mental illness? Is it cured too? Nada had turned her back on

religion and later on God too. She did some good things in her life but the best

I can eek out of my heart is thinking that maybe she is in Purgatory with a lot

of work to do. Any thoughts?

> >

> > MB

> >

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> >

[Guest guest]

That is crazy! I have the same issues with toys and constantly keeping an

eye on things so they won't get lost - if we leave the house I know where

every hat/glove/coat/drink/toy is so that I can make sure they all come

home. I had no idea that my BPD horror upbringing had anything to do with

it. I have very little memory of my childhood so I'm guessing this is just

another repressed memory that exhibits itself in the form of fleas. . .

wild!!!

[Guest guest]

Yup. It's scary but at least we have one another to bring it out, validate the

experience, and help us make conscious choices about how we do or don't want to

internalize the trauma!!

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>

> That is crazy! I have the same issues with toys and constantly keeping an

> eye on things so they won't get lost - if we leave the house I know where

> every hat/glove/coat/drink/toy is so that I can make sure they all come

> home. I had no idea that my BPD horror upbringing had anything to do with

> it. I have very little memory of my childhood so I'm guessing this is just

> another repressed memory that exhibits itself in the form of fleas. . .

> wild!!!

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[Guest guest]

Thank you IreneM. You have powerful insights.

MB

What you've gone through is unspeakable, unfathomable and yet you're here,

sharing and reaching out to others. Big hugs to you.

.

[Guest guest]

Nada would open my bedroom window (second floor) and throw my stuff

outside...

I'd have to go outside, collect my things and carry them back inside.

Neighbors watching. It was humiliating.

When I was in high school, nada and I were the same size. She never bought

me the things I needed, like underwear and school clothes. She would call

one of my dads to take me shopping at the beginning of the school year to

get me some things that were to last throughout the year. Meantime, nada

had all the designer clothes you could imagine. She kept them in her

closet and had a dead bolt installed to keep me from ever wearing anything

of hers.

Once, it was cold and raining and I needed a coat to wear (which was kept

in the hall closet rather than her dead bolted walk-in) to walk the mile or

so to school (God forbid she get out of bed to give me a ride) so I took

her trench coat. I was called out of class for an " emergency call " in the

counselor's office. It was nada shrieking at me for taking her coat. She

demanded I meet her outside the lunchroom to give her the coat. She pulled

in front, I gave her the coat and walked home that afternoon in the cold

and rain. Without a coat. I was 16.

You should see my house...always ready for a photo shoot. Nothing ever out

of place. My closet? Organized by color...all blacks together, whites,

denim, etc. Shoes? In clear boxes organized by style and color with a

closet ladder nearby for easy access. Purses have their own shelves.

Sweaters stacked by color.

My daughter never wanted for a thing. In fact, some argued she was

spoiled. I'd have to agree. And I loved every minute of it. Still do...

[Guest guest]

Mine would say things like " they'd never find your body " and deny ever saying

it. Awful.

>

> I was just remembering how Nada used to threaten that all the time. It still

haunts me. Se thinks that having given birth to me gave her the right to

threaten to kill me. Further, she thought it was a funny joke and would repeat

it all the time. *** shudder***

>