RE: Re: What Do You Do When You Go NC?

[Guest guest]

Many times throughout the day for the last NC month, I ask myself this.

" What can I live with? "

As this NC is still new to me, I waver up and down but this time NEVER too

far from .. " I can live with the way this is for now " . meaning NC..with no

defined stop date.

Anger flares up, rejection, memories flood of verbal and physical abuse and

abandonment so many times, and of course resentment that I have tried so

hard to be good to mom, for not. This past year I showered her with new

wardrobes, shoes, boots, massages, jewelry, a trip to Cuba...blue roses for

mom's day.daily calls after eye surgery as she was so frightened....this

help for her is not new.

Presently, I go day to day. It is all I can do and I cannot afford more

energy drain for this. I take breaks and put this away for periods as I have

to survive the other parts of my life. I have a family and DH..and they are

so tired of all this drama coming into the home and from me trying to fight

it or get mom to see what she has done.

Forget it..she is not going to change. I have to... but it is not instant.

The hurt digs.

My story is so long and some has been previously posted so I do not know how

much to repeat.

Then my thoughts get all fuzzy and I have to slooooow down and AGAIN

re-think WHY I went NC. It is funny the reasons get lost as I am pulled

psychologically back into FOG.I keep looking for morsels of rationality of

WHY I should return to Mom. (Dad was way worse and he is long dead).

The last stint with my mother was about 6 weeks back. As my older sibs do

not talk to me or my FAM here 800 miles from them and have never taken an

interest..I only have mother, so at times when the right trigger comes round

again on the turn style, I am off into feeling I have no FOO if I let mom

go. Plus she is elderly.

I feel at these times like I was hatched or spawned. A bleak nothingness to

reflect on my beginnings. Sure I was birthed and bottle-fed and clothed.but

punished severely for little things, mostly not being obedient to the letter

and not being perfect in what they expected. The 2nd youngest sib beat the

hell out of me..and he was beat from father very badly. I moved away form

that city 33 yrs. ago to get away from all them. Yet I just came more clear

on WHO mom was last year and even still gave her another chance after she

cursed me for being named in her brother's Will where she was named for tiny

portion with no executive powers. It was always like this with both mom and

father...no support, lots of denial, demands, abuse, expectations and hidden

family secrets. We as kids were not allowed to join extended family....so

we were cloistered and raised in seclusion with strict religious background

and FEAR.

After the Will allocation last year things got worse than ever...the 2 sibs

who NEVER were much a part of my life and NEVER took part in with my kids..

(they have no kids of their own) wanted money from me. Same with mom. I

was gifted, not them. They EXPECTED me to share with them equally even

after we have no relationship and they have been NC to me for years due to

earlier FOO abuse and abandonment,

So, 6 weeks back I asked mom who is living alone and aging to ask my older

sib if he would co-partner in helping mom in her decline. She was very

happy as she knows we have not spoken for years..she said she would speak

with him soon and that she was going to make everything good (she told so

many lies and character assignations about me to them...not that it matter

as they love to hear it to further their hatred to me)

I gave mom one last chance last year this time to STOP her mean behavior and

hang-ups on the home with me, calling me names, refusing to listen to any

truth about what was happening (this has happened so many times before) I

had, had it last year. I had heart pain so bad I was under Dr. Care. She

did not careless and like usual only talked of her age and health state and

what I was doing to HER.

What do I do to her?....I call her on her lies, ask why she prefers to take

exotic trips and has not seen my kids here since year 2000, why she tells me

I was the cause of her affair, why whenever I try to heal my past by asking

questions she says these things they did to us NEVER occurred. She says she

does not know where I get this form and she could never have done all the

abuse.

So to get back to the phone call 6 weeks back..apparently she went off to

ask sib abut care arrangements between us.

When I called her the next week.she told me sib said he " would think about

it " . I was very upset. Like who says things like they " will think about "

helping their mother and getting support from their sister unless they hold

such resentment. She said do not worry I will be seeing him next

week...etc...I will talk further. I said, " you know when you pass they will

NOT give me any info on you.they will punish me by keeping me out of all

that happens with you and I want to be included. I want to help you because

I know they will only do the minimum. " She denied this could ever happen.

The following week I talked with her......mom is very jealous of any talk of

my kids (who are very close to me and my talk of wanting grandkids.)

Anything to do with my FAM here she is snide. Hardly ever talk to her

grandkids...she says I trained them wrong and they should call her.not HER

calling them.

So further into the conversation I asked again if she had spoken to sib.she

went nuts...telling me I always start problems..and why do I get HER

involved?(Remember she previously agreed?)

WFT? This was for her benefit.

I got angry she was once more raising her voice and putting me down (again)

for something I did that was good, then she switches to " there you go,

always yelling at me, I will not take being yelled at.. " ..I asked again,

what happened with sib.. " .you said you were going to speak with him this

Thursday " ...she then flatly denied all, saying she never said she would be

talking to him and that this conversation I had with her never took place!

Then I WAS yelling at her.in-between she hangs up on me.then leaves the

phone off the hook for a while until I can get through...

So I call again..and typical I am told I am a trouble maker, I am so

selfish, the WORST daughter, and I always upset her and the other sibs do

not (they barely deal with her and one is an alcoholic that takes and

freeloads off her and is violent so she caters to him always) so she lies

and has lied over and over. Then she blurts out " I try not to hurt you and

that is just me always trying not to hurt you, you brother said NO, he would

not help you! " ..I asked her why she lied, she would not listen told me again

she will not put up with me yelling...then hang up.

I phoned back one more time to tell her One more time if she did this

hang-up shit again I was gone....she hung up.

This is just part of the crazy making I have lived with.

I think I am part crazy for trying so hard.

This women is mad at me because she asked her son to cooperate with me to

help HER but he said no and she did not want to admit or tell me so for

weeks she ran me round in circles with padding then blamed ME for starting

issues after SHE agreed to initiate originally...then hangs up because I am

yelling at her. In fact at some point I was trying to get her to stop

shrieking at me at the top of her lungs...she swears at me whenever she

wants..but if I try any of that she adds it to the " bad girl " list.

So mother can have the lame sibs to take care of her. If she dies and I am

not contacted I have to accept all this. They will udoubtedly try to get

her to change her Will if she has not already for their favor.

I am the one who mothered mom since I was in grade school..I have been

coaching her all my life trying to help her through her abusive marriage and

her abusive son but when it comes down to me trying to get rational behavior

from her when I calling her on lies or why she planned to go on a bus trip

instead of attending DH mother's funeral, or denying my kids and us to visit

her at her place on her birthday a few years back because she said it would

be too hard for her..yet my alcoholic gal pal met on internet from Norway is

coming to stay with mom and him at Christmas and mom will dote. We here are

NEVER invited.

Mom only has 2 grandkids and does very little for them ever. She tells me

" I was there for them when they were born.. " That is true..a long time

ago..my kids are 26 & 23.

Sorry for all this long read...maybe some of you can relate.

I have had it with her....Mother or not.....this is crap. At 86 she has

more energy than I. she does NOT have dementia...I have seen this pattern

for years. She will not take responsibility for her actions or

behavior...and blames the one, me, who has been the kindest to her.

She believed because she is MOTHER she has rights to abuse....I told her I

AM DUAGHTER and I have rights to refuse you and your ways.

She has not called me for this entire time except for her 9pm 2-rings in I

set up for a safety-call for her.....this is the longest I have NC and she

is 86 and she is still pulling this b.s. .

I has a mother in name..I have brothers who are lame and usless..my father

was mean and violent. When I get down I cannot not imagine living without a

FOO...BUT I HAVE TO SIT and rationalize WHY. The immediate thoughts of loss

are devastating.

Thanks for reading..

Twyla

From: WTOAdultChildren1

[mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 ] On Behalf Of Janice Hall

Sent: Saturday, November 24, 2012 07:25 PM

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Subject: RE: Re: What Do You Do?

Feeling rejected is a painful place to be...

I have been seeking approval from Nada's sisters my whole life. I spent

much of my younger years with her sisters, who were in some way like

sisters to me as we were all so close in age.

After knowing what they know...after seeing what they have seen...after

looking the other way while Nada inflicted her rage and abuse on both my

brother and me, who are they to judge?

And yet, I look to them for approval. Approval that will never come. I

support Nada, financially,

but it's not good enough. I have had no contact with Nada since moving to

the west coast, for obvious reasons. And I am judged harshly for that.

At what point do you stop looking for the approval/acceptance that will

never come?

At what point do you establish boundaries that allow you to live life in as

much peace as possible? There has to come a point when the approval of

others no longer matters....so long as you are living in a state of

self-approval.

With the latest drama of my Nada, my shrink asked me... " What can you live

with? "

That's the question you ask yourself, and remain resolute in the answer.

[Guest guest]

Twyla,

For what it is worth, I too feel as if " letting go " of mother now that she has

past leaves me without a FOO. My Aunts and Uncle treat me as if I am the black

sheep. Sometimes I wonder what lies mother must have told them. At other times I

wonder if they think I am " the crazy ones. " Besides nada,

RE: Re: What Do You Do?

Feeling rejected is a painful place to be...

I have been seeking approval from Nada's sisters my whole life. I spent

much of my younger years with her sisters, who were in some way like

sisters to me as we were all so close in age.

After knowing what they know...after seeing what they have seen...after

looking the other way while Nada inflicted her rage and abuse on both my

brother and me, who are they to judge?

And yet, I look to them for approval. Approval that will never come. I

support Nada, financially,

but it's not good enough. I have had no contact with Nada since moving to

the west coast, for obvious reasons. And I am judged harshly for that.

At what point do you stop looking for the approval/acceptance that will

never come?

At what point do you establish boundaries that allow you to live life in as

much peace as possible? There has to come a point when the approval of

others no longer matters....so long as you are living in a state of

self-approval.

With the latest drama of my Nada, my shrink asked me... " What can you live

with? "

That's the question you ask yourself, and remain resolute in the answer.

[Guest guest]

Thanks. What you say means lots.

You understand because you have experienced similar/same.

Even my husband cannot really get this. Sometimes NADA even creeps into this

part of my life....when I feel husband does not understand..so left

unguarded, these negative thoughts I have can affect my relationships

here.and they have. The infection can spread all over.

From: WTOAdultChildren1

[mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 ] On Behalf Of Rico and Beth

Sent: Sunday, November 25, 2012 12:31 PM

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Subject: Re: Re: What Do You Do When You Go NC?

Twyla,

For what it is worth, I too feel as if " letting go " of mother now that she

has past leaves me without a FOO. My Aunts and Uncle treat me as if I am the

black sheep. Sometimes I wonder what lies mother must have told them. At

other times I wonder if they think I am " the crazy ones. " Besides nada,

RE: Re: What Do You Do?

Feeling rejected is a painful place to be...

I have been seeking approval from Nada's sisters my whole life. I spent

much of my younger years with her sisters, who were in some way like

sisters to me as we were all so close in age.

After knowing what they know...after seeing what they have seen...after

looking the other way while Nada inflicted her rage and abuse on both my

brother and me, who are they to judge?

And yet, I look to them for approval. Approval that will never come. I

support Nada, financially,

but it's not good enough. I have had no contact with Nada since moving to

the west coast, for obvious reasons. And I am judged harshly for that.

At what point do you stop looking for the approval/acceptance that will

never come?

At what point do you establish boundaries that allow you to live life in as

much peace as possible? There has to come a point when the approval of

others no longer matters....so long as you are living in a state of

self-approval.

With the latest drama of my Nada, my shrink asked me... " What can you live

with? "

That's the question you ask yourself, and remain resolute in the answer.

[Guest guest]

Wow, Twyla...

I could simply sign my name to your post and it could very well be my story.

What I am learning through reading other's posts is a commonality of

behavior/traits of all our Nadas...some being a bit more extreme than

others.

I've spent my entire life thinking there couldn't possibly be anyone in the

world like my Nada and it's scary to learn she's not as unusual as I had

thought.

I've been NC, on and off, for the past thirteen years. It's a hard

position to maintain for a variety of reasons. One being Nada will always

come up with some attention getting scheme to get me out of hiding.

Another being the " abandonment thing " . Whether or not I'm doing the

abandoning or I'm the one being abandoned, the end result feels the same.

Lonely, guilt, etc.

You're right to simply take it one day at a time. I'm guessing that's what

most of us do. My goal is to never have contact with her again, but I'm

certain I will be unable to live up to the personal commitment. So I've

decided that as events present themselves where I'm required to step up and

do what needs to be done, I'll do it. I'll try to maintain some kind of

emotional distance to the situation and when we have whatever resolution we

get, I'll go NC again. This is how I handled Nada's recent stint in jail

for 32 days. While I/we were hopeful that Nada would emerge from this

ordeal as a different person, it didn't take long to see she was the same

old nasty person she's always been. So, back to NC for me.

What's interesting is she knows she blew it.

I have always struggled with the NC thing. After having joined this group

and reading through the different posts, posting my own experiences and

getting the feedback I've received, NC doesn't seem quite as hard to do.

I use to think my Nada was a lost soul. No longer. I now see her as

destructive personality type. Not sure how I feel about calling it a

mental illness, such as bi-polar disorder or schitzophrenia. I'm more

inclined to call it " born bad " , such as Rhoda in " The Bad Seed " . Was Ted

Bundy mentally ill or simply a serial killing psychopath? I have to chew

on this a bit more...

I understand your feeling alienated by your family. I feel the same. I

guess the best place to get the validation we all need is from ourselves.

I'm lucky enough to have a daughter and husband who supports and

understands. That support is invaluable. Sounds like you have a family

that you, too, can count on.

I hope, by sharing my feelings, this somehow helps you work through your

options...

J

[Guest guest]

Hello Twyla,

This part about how this infects my marriage really hit home this week.

I was feeling let down by my husband, and so alone..I mentioned this to my

therapist and she suggested I bring my dh to my next visit if I thought it

would help. I was thinking maybe it would, like the therapist could maybe

explain bpd better to him and help him understand how deep my pain goes.

I had a total crying meltdown in the car the other day, probably 'cause it's

the only place I am alone, with 3 kids I feel like I always have to be

strong. And after growing up in such an anxiety filled home, I never want my

kids to feel like that. It`s scary for kids to see their mother that upset.

Even if they were just tears.

I came home and told my husband how I was feeling, like that teenage girl

again, who was so alone, hiding in her room bottling up all the hurt.

Never telling anyone.

We talked for a long time and I feel so much better. I really was the one

doing it to myself. Although my husband wants me to get back to my

`normal`self, him not WANTING to see me hurt anymore is not the same as him

not ALLOWING me to hurt.

That`s what my parents did.

My husband unconditionally loves me and I was confusing his love with their

love.

I feel like I did have a bit of a breakthrough.when I allow these unhealthy

emotional behaviours to infect my current healthy relationships I am

allowing her to continue the abuse.

I am feeling stronger and healthier today, the first day in a long time.

I know, one day at a time though.

Thanking you all for your help.

_____

From: WTOAdultChildren1

[mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 ] On Behalf Of Twyla

Sent: November-25-12 2:59 PM

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Subject: RE: Re: What Do You Do When You Go NC?

Thanks. What you say means lots.

You understand because you have experienced similar/same.

Even my husband cannot really get this. Sometimes NADA even creeps into this

part of my life....when I feel husband does not understand..so left

unguarded, these negative thoughts I have can affect my relationships

here.and they have. The infection can spread all over.

From: WTOAdultChildren1

[mailto:WTOAdultChildren1

] On Behalf Of Rico and

Beth

Sent: Sunday, November 25, 2012 12:31 PM

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Subject: Re: Re: What Do You Do When You Go NC?

Twyla,

For what it is worth, I too feel as if " letting go " of mother now that she

has past leaves me without a FOO. My Aunts and Uncle treat me as if I am the

black sheep. Sometimes I wonder what lies mother must have told them. At

other times I wonder if they think I am " the crazy ones. " Besides nada,

RE: Re: What Do You Do?

Feeling rejected is a painful place to be...

I have been seeking approval from Nada's sisters my whole life. I spent

much of my younger years with her sisters, who were in some way like

sisters to me as we were all so close in age.

After knowing what they know...after seeing what they have seen...after

looking the other way while Nada inflicted her rage and abuse on both my

brother and me, who are they to judge?

And yet, I look to them for approval. Approval that will never come. I

support Nada, financially,

but it's not good enough. I have had no contact with Nada since moving to

the west coast, for obvious reasons. And I am judged harshly for that.

At what point do you stop looking for the approval/acceptance that will

never come?

At what point do you establish boundaries that allow you to live life in as

much peace as possible? There has to come a point when the approval of

others no longer matters....so long as you are living in a state of

self-approval.

With the latest drama of my Nada, my shrink asked me... " What can you live

with? "

That's the question you ask yourself, and remain resolute in the answer.

[Guest guest]

Oh Twyla I know that pain too!

I made the final call of NC with nada after she came onto my husband. She only

met him twice in the 24 years we were married. Nada disliked every beau I had

from the first boy I dated. She was very good at driving wedges and frightening

other families so badly that all even a casual friendship with their son was out

of the question. I realize now that she had abandonment issues but SHEEZE!

My husband comes from a pretty normal and very loving family. He has brothers, a

sister, and several step-siblings all of whom love him. As an only child, I

fight myself not to be jealous. I'd give anything for a sister to shop or eat

lunch with, a brother to turn to for advice, or a step-sibling to laugh over old

times with. Further, my husbands family, even his truly wonderful mother, never

understood why I went NC with nada. They only met her once at our wedding (nada

came late, refused to sit at the head table with us because fada was there, and

uttered the nastiest things you could ever imagine every time I came near her)

and was so manipulatively charming to my husband's mother that my mother-in-law

(MIL) never saw nada's " Real face. " None of husband's family lives close to us

and they have never really gotten to know me either. Now that MIL is in a care

facility (dementia) and the family is spread across the nation (and the world),

we no longer gather for holidays. This is, in a way, a good thing as wealthiest

of the sister-in-laws took over for a few year and her " events " were stressful

due to her mandates.

Now that nada is gone, I've tried to talk to my husband who does and does not

understand. ly, he is sick of the drama and the way my FOO showed total

disregard for both nada and me by not coming to her Mass. He is " over it. " I

can no longer turn to him as I heal.

I'm trying to journal (using the computer) and to use this board to help me

cope. While friends and several co-workers know nada was an alcoholic, I've not

told ANYONE that mother was mentally ill. It's bad enough to have others in a

very small town count every glass of wine (never more than 2) and whisper. The

talk is loud enough to hear when, God forbid, I have a Gin and Tonic! Could you

imagine if they knew of mother's illness? D*** , I hate that the hidden secrets

live on! I want ownership of the right to " live out loud " and get past what

other people think. Why do their remarks hurt me so? Is it because nada so often

made cutting remarks to humiliate me in public?

Beth

Thanks. What you say means lots.

You understand because you have experienced similar/same.

Even my husband cannot really get this. Sometimes NADA even creeps into this

part of my life....when I feel husband does not understand..so left

unguarded, these negative thoughts I have can affect my relationships

here.and they have. The infection can spread all over.

[Guest guest]

Gagne,

I love what you wrote! Thank you for posting it and helping me heal! How right

you are whe you say, " when I allow these unhealthy emotional behaviours to

infect my current healthy relationships I am allowing her to continue the

abuse. "

You are one strong and wise lady. Thank you for surviving and being here today!

Beth

RE: Re: What Do You Do?

Feeling rejected is a painful place to be...

I have been seeking approval from Nada's sisters my whole life. I spent

much of my younger years with her sisters, who were in some way like

sisters to me as we were all so close in age.

After knowing what they know...after seeing what they have seen...after

looking the other way while Nada inflicted her rage and abuse on both my

brother and me, who are they to judge?

And yet, I look to them for approval. Approval that will never come. I

support Nada, financially,

but it's not good enough. I have had no contact with Nada since moving to

the west coast, for obvious reasons. And I am judged harshly for that.

At what point do you stop looking for the approval/acceptance that will

never come?

At what point do you establish boundaries that allow you to live life in as

much peace as possible? There has to come a point when the approval of

others no longer matters....so long as you are living in a state of

self-approval.

With the latest drama of my Nada, my shrink asked me... " What can you live

with? "

That's the question you ask yourself, and remain resolute in the answer.

[Guest guest]

Thanks Janice...

We do need others to help build the FOO we did not have..I have a

replacement " brother " and older " sister " who are close friends.I am lucky.

For me, the self-approval presently is only going so far...it is too early

for me to know how I will feel long term. I do know this, no more extra

nice and giving, no more being suckered. I KNOW what is going on. Sometimes

I think I was happier (only in a weird delusional way) not understanding.

I can never be at that place again.

Mom will die one day. This will end SOME of the hurt. I cannot wait nor

push for this as I do not believe that is right. I am so glad we live far

away. I get times where I am just fine with all of this and accept quite

nicely. Then wham, I am not doing good.

This life is not easy for most of us, and as I see, many nada/fadas suffer

much. As you I always felt so bad for Mom...

Take care Janice...

Twyla

From: WTOAdultChildren1

[mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 ] On Behalf Of Janice Hall

Sent: Sunday, November 25, 2012 01:19 PM

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Subject: RE: Re: What Do You Do When You Go NC?

Wow, Twyla...

I could simply sign my name to your post and it could very well be my story.

What I am learning through reading other's posts is a commonality of

behavior/traits of all our Nadas...some being a bit more extreme than

others.

I've spent my entire life thinking there couldn't possibly be anyone in the

world like my Nada and it's scary to learn she's not as unusual as I had

thought.

I've been NC, on and off, for the past thirteen years. It's a hard

position to maintain for a variety of reasons. One being Nada will always

come up with some attention getting scheme to get me out of hiding.

Another being the " abandonment thing " . Whether or not I'm doing the

abandoning or I'm the one being abandoned, the end result feels the same.

Lonely, guilt, etc.

You're right to simply take it one day at a time. I'm guessing that's what

most of us do. My goal is to never have contact with her again, but I'm

certain I will be unable to live up to the personal commitment. So I've

decided that as events present themselves where I'm required to step up and

do what needs to be done, I'll do it. I'll try to maintain some kind of

emotional distance to the situation and when we have whatever resolution we

get, I'll go NC again. This is how I handled Nada's recent stint in jail

for 32 days. While I/we were hopeful that Nada would emerge from this

ordeal as a different person, it didn't take long to see she was the same

old nasty person she's always been. So, back to NC for me.

What's interesting is she knows she blew it.

I have always struggled with the NC thing. After having joined this group

and reading through the different posts, posting my own experiences and

getting the feedback I've received, NC doesn't seem quite as hard to do.

I use to think my Nada was a lost soul. No longer. I now see her as

destructive personality type. Not sure how I feel about calling it a

mental illness, such as bi-polar disorder or schitzophrenia. I'm more

inclined to call it " born bad " , such as Rhoda in " The Bad Seed " . Was Ted

Bundy mentally ill or simply a serial killing psychopath? I have to chew

on this a bit more...

I understand your feeling alienated by your family. I feel the same. I

guess the best place to get the validation we all need is from ourselves.

I'm lucky enough to have a daughter and husband who supports and

understands. That support is invaluable. Sounds like you have a family

that you, too, can count on.

I hope, by sharing my feelings, this somehow helps you work through your

options...

J

[Guest guest]

Couldn't have said it better myself...

[Guest guest]

Hello Gagne,

This is what I was upset about yesterday with DH. He is a very good guy,

thoughtful, considerate etc. but human and no experience with Nada/Fada (his

parents are both deceased and there was no violence and big trouble in his

childhood).

I know he is SO SICK of seeing me hurting...(years) and he now sees FINALLY

what I see, so his answer is to just LET GO...

I tell him it is a process, not all or nothing. Mom has been my project for

most of my life..thank God over the phone mostly, but still.

He says things to me like this and I feel as you say below, like I once more

am not supposed to have/feel these feelings! We had a fight due to this

very issue yesterday, so my FOO still lives on here. He understands but has

had enough...and was ready to call her and tell her to STAY away for

good....he has had it.

I need to see his point also..his life is being hurt also. his best

intentions are to help stop the pain, but I must feel the pain. He is

afraid I will keep ruminating the pain..frankly sometimes I do....that is

why I need places and people like we have here..and other friends who

understand.

Thanks so much for sharing...

From: WTOAdultChildren1

[mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 ] On Behalf Of Gagne

Sent: Sunday, November 25, 2012 01:23 PM

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Subject: RE: Re: What Do You Do When You Go NC?

Hello Twyla,

This part about how this infects my marriage really hit home this week.

I was feeling let down by my husband, and so alone..I mentioned this to my

therapist and she suggested I bring my dh to my next visit if I thought it

would help. I was thinking maybe it would, like the therapist could maybe

explain bpd better to him and help him understand how deep my pain goes.

I had a total crying meltdown in the car the other day, probably 'cause it's

the only place I am alone, with 3 kids I feel like I always have to be

strong. And after growing up in such an anxiety filled home, I never want my

kids to feel like that. It`s scary for kids to see their mother that upset.

Even if they were just tears.

I came home and told my husband how I was feeling, like that teenage girl

again, who was so alone, hiding in her room bottling up all the hurt.

Never telling anyone.

We talked for a long time and I feel so much better. I really was the one

doing it to myself. Although my husband wants me to get back to my

`normal`self, him not WANTING to see me hurt anymore is not the same as him

not ALLOWING me to hurt.

That`s what my parents did.

My husband unconditionally loves me and I was confusing his love with their

love.

I feel like I did have a bit of a breakthrough.when I allow these unhealthy

emotional behaviours to infect my current healthy relationships I am

allowing her to continue the abuse.

I am feeling stronger and healthier today, the first day in a long time.

I know, one day at a time though.

Thanking you all for your help.

_____

From: WTOAdultChildren1

[mailto:WTOAdultChildren1

] On Behalf Of Twyla

Sent: November-25-12 2:59 PM

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Subject: RE: Re: What Do You Do When You Go NC?

Thanks. What you say means lots.

You understand because you have experienced similar/same.

Even my husband cannot really get this. Sometimes NADA even creeps into this

part of my life....when I feel husband does not understand..so left

unguarded, these negative thoughts I have can affect my relationships

here.and they have. The infection can spread all over.

From: WTOAdultChildren1

[mailto:WTOAdultChildren1

] On Behalf Of Rico and

Beth

Sent: Sunday, November 25, 2012 12:31 PM

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Subject: Re: Re: What Do You Do When You Go NC?

Twyla,

For what it is worth, I too feel as if " letting go " of mother now that she

has past leaves me without a FOO. My Aunts and Uncle treat me as if I am the

black sheep. Sometimes I wonder what lies mother must have told them. At

other times I wonder if they think I am " the crazy ones. " Besides nada,

RE: Re: What Do You Do?

Feeling rejected is a painful place to be...

I have been seeking approval from Nada's sisters my whole life. I spent

much of my younger years with her sisters, who were in some way like

sisters to me as we were all so close in age.

After knowing what they know...after seeing what they have seen...after

looking the other way while Nada inflicted her rage and abuse on both my

brother and me, who are they to judge?

And yet, I look to them for approval. Approval that will never come. I

support Nada, financially,

but it's not good enough. I have had no contact with Nada since moving to

the west coast, for obvious reasons. And I am judged harshly for that.

At what point do you stop looking for the approval/acceptance that will

never come?

At what point do you establish boundaries that allow you to live life in as

much peace as possible? There has to come a point when the approval of

others no longer matters....so long as you are living in a state of

self-approval.

With the latest drama of my Nada, my shrink asked me... " What can you live

with? "

That's the question you ask yourself, and remain resolute in the answer.