and 's story ('s perspective)

[Guest guest]

I am 's wife. He is a wonderful, loving, and committed man but

we have sure had our trials. He shared a little bit about our story.

I had pain with sex for four years before I realized that something

must be wrong or that there might be help out there. During those 4

years, anytime I sought help, I was blown off or it was treated as

something else. At the time, I was also struggling with depression and

didn't have the drive or correct thought process to seek treatment.

Once we figured out what it was with the help of a wonderful Dr. in

Milwaukee (Dr. Mickelson), it was a little easier for both of us to

cope, I think. I saw her for 3 years with vestibulitis when once

again was having a hard time coping with it. So, one day,she

took 45 min to explain the up's and down's to us when most Dr.'s just

rush you out of the office. She was honest and open about everything.

She told us that it may never go away and that surgery is risky as

most women still have pain afterwards. At that point she suggested a

sex therapist who was helpful in that she helped us see the strong

points of our marriage but after a year of counseling we didn't feel

like we had gotten anywhere. During this time, I was using Estrace

cream every night and taking Aveeno oatmeal baths. They helped a

little but with my vestibulitis, I still felt like my husband had a

knife and was stabbing me over and over. There were too many times

when I felt like I needed to have sex to keep my husband from going

insane or getting really depressed. He got very pushy at times and

almost didn't seem to accept my " no " . I believe he didn't understand

what he was asking of me. Then, because we had just had sex, he would

want it again right away thinking that things must be better because I

gave in. Meanwhile, I would have rather thrown up than had sex so

when he approached me again, I had a difficult time telling him gently

but firmly that I wasn't ready yet. I wanted to run away kicking and

screaming but I didn't want him to think that I didn't love him either.

I think as an answer to prayer, after our son was born last Father's

Day, the vestibulitis seems to have vanished. The doc said this could

be because the nerves all get stretched and changed during childbirth

so it's very possible that it's gone. I don't have much feeling down

there but that is SO much better than having pain. Our sex life was

starting to revive (up to 1-2x a month with the help of Nortriptyline

to help rewire how the nerves feel) when I started having some

itching. Dr. Mickelson said that one cause of vestibulitis is having

chronic yeast infections so I was very afraid that it would come back.

She recommended using gentian violet. In the office, she would

" paint " me with it and I would sit under the exam light for 10-15 min

so it could dry. At home, I mix 1 part gentian violet to about 10

parts water and douche with it. (If you try this, gentian violet

stains everything!!!! It will tattoo you if it gets in an open wound)

This has worked well in the past when diflucan or monistat have failed

but it didn't work this time. Unfortunately, our insurance has

changed and Dr. Mickelson is no longer covered for me so I set out to

find a new doc. I got the quick treatment that so many docs do. She

sent me home with several refills of diflucan and estrace cream. She

said the itching could be from estrogen deficiency while I am still

nursing our son. I thought it was quite strange that the itching

would start after 7 mos but didn't know what else to do so I tried her

therapy. It didn't work so I went back to her for something else.

She said the tissue looks very healthy, no signs of vestibulitis and

she couldn't even tell where I was itching. She prescribed another

steroid cream which gave me hot flashes and made me very hungry so as

soon as the itching subsided, I stopped the treatment. I was very

happy to find on this website a Dr. writing about discovering how

beneficial estrace cream can be in my situation. He said that itching

is a normal part of healing and not to treat it as a yeast infection

or to use topical steriods.

Anyway, with this itching, I was very afraid that the vestibulitis was

coming back. I feel like it could come back all to easily and the

thought of reliving those painful years just about gave me a panic

attack last night. really tried to understand, he's been very

supportive and loving, but he also forgets (probably because he didn't

experience the pain) how bad it was. We had reached yet another

standstill. Neither of us could take it anymore, I was tired of

saying no and he was tired of hearing it. I didn't want to be

intimate for fear that along with this mysterious itching would come

pain. I wanted to wait until I felt better but he seemed to feel like

I am just trying to play mind games with him. In his mind, if sex is

no longer painful, it must be very enjoyable. It is better now that

it was but not enough to cure 7 years of agony in just 7-8 tries).

After discussing with him how horrible it was, that the thought of it

coming back brings suicidal thoughts to my head, he was again able to

be supportive and found several websites, including this one, to help

me figure out how to get past the fear so we can start having a more

regular sex life. I couldn't deal with it last night, it brought too

much anxiety but today, I am happy to know that we're not the only

ones suffering.

I had a friend at school (I just recently graduated from college)

who's sister had vestibulitis and it just went away after two years.

I visited a different gynecologist who seemed to think it was all in

my head. He said that we should try a different position, one where

I'm on top and that this would cure the pain because I would have more

control and wouldn't feel trapped. I wanted to smack him. I know

there are some fantastic male gynecologists out there but I haven't

met any of them. He told me that this rarely lasts longer than a year

or two although I'd already had it for 7 years. I didn't go back to him.

It was very hard for me to hear about people who got over it so

quickly when we had been dealing with it for 7 years. I hope my story

is helpful to someone out there. I don't think having a baby will

work in every case but it physically helped me. Anyone have any ideas

on how to get over the emotional pain/fear of restarting an intimate

relationship?