Help Me Stop

[Guest guest]

Hello Old and New Friends,

I'm here looking for some help and support. I know all of us have long

histories of painful and hurtful injuries inflicted upon us by our BPD parents.

But, if you are like me, there are a few things that are so bad they just stick

with you and tend to become events that you constantly go over in your head

looking for some kind of resolution, validation, or understanding. Such is the

case with my father's tools.

Long, loooooong story short. My father died 15 years ago and he had a barn full

of his tools and also my husband's tools. The barn started small, but it was

expanded as my husband's business grew. We stored things in the barn because we

lived in a townhouse and didn't have room. A few years after my Dad's death, we

moved to a home with a garage of our own and my husband moved his things to our

house, leaving my Dad's things in the barn. Because the barn had been expanded,

once my husband took his things, what was left looked fairly sparse. This

prompted my Nada to say that my husband had stolen all of my father's tools.

There are numerous bizarre BPD twists and turns, but you get the gist of it.

Although my Nada has done anything she could over the years to split me from my

sister and the rest of the family, I have to say this is the event I would point

to if I had to pick the single most destructive thing that tore our family

apart. It created mistrust amongst all of us and it absolutely destroyed my

husband's reputation and my own. People far and wide within the family think of

us as thieves. I know you guys know we never took one single item, but I feel

compelled to tell you that if you unlock the old padlock on that barn right now,

you would go back in time and see my Dad's tools sitting on shelves, labeled in

his familiar bold handwriting, as though they are waiting for him to come in and

start building something. If it wasn't so heartbreaking because of what my Mom

has done, that barn would be a place of great comfort to visit and remember my

Dad.

And this brings me to last night when my mother spent some time with us for a

visit. My blood boiled over when I heard her talking to my sister on the phone

about one of the Grandkids getting to " look around the barn " to see if there was

anything he might want, followed by this statement… " of course, all of the tools

are long gone as you know. "

All of the tools are long gone – the legend of the grand theft continues and try

as I might I could not let it go. And so I confronted her again on it and told

her it was untrue. I told her the impact of it on me and my husband and I told

her she knew it wasn't true and that she needed to make it right. I feel

horrible for doing this – my Nada is 90 years old. In those moments I didn't

care how frail she was, how cloudy her memory might be, or how bad she might

feel to be nearing this stage of her life confronted with the knowledge that her

actions destroyed a family. I wanted her to feel bad and feel the gravity of

it. Of course, it was completely futile. There was no understanding from her

and only the typical borderline flip as she told me what a rotten daughter I

have always been and how nothing she has ever done to me will come close to the

hurt and pain and " rivers of tears " she has cried from having me as her child.

If someone here has a way to stop grinding on one of these particularly tough

issues, I'd love to hear it. I feel like a horrible person for fighting with

her about it again. I feel like a weak person for not being able to let it go

and rise above it. This is a battle I will never win. I need to help to stop

fighting it.

Tag

[Guest guest]

When it comes to stuff like this, all I can say (from experience) is you

and your husband know the truth. You can't control your nada or what she

says. You can't control what part of what she sells...and people buy. I

know I sound like it's easy to do...believe me when I tell you it's as hard

for me to live by this rule as it is anyone else who has a nada.

As an example...my nada got inside my second (yes, second husband...she was

successful in helping destroy my previous marriage) husband's head and

convinced him I was having an affair with my tennis pro (who, *at the time*,

was a very good friend and friend only). Nada knew my husband's buttons to

push and he responded better than she could have ever imagined. This

started a year long nightmare of my husband following me to " catch me with

the tennis pro " , canvasing the streets trying to find witnesses, visiting

nada on his business trips to the city where she was living and bringing

expensive gifts in exchange for " more information " (which of course she was

happy to supply, albeit, all lies), etc. Of course, there was not a happy

ending to this. My husband eventually left me, after thirteen years of

marriage. Success! While playing her part in my failing marriage, nada

also focused on destroying my relationship with my daughter, my only child,

who was twelve at the time during of all of this. She temporarily

succeeded in her efforts as my daughter took sides with her father. While

my daughter lived with me until she went away to college, our relationship

was strained. She is now twenty five and, as an adult, sees things very

differently and we have a great relationship (I refused to give up although

it was really tough at times). My daughter will have absolutely nothing to

do with nada. Nothing.

Once the radar gun is locked in on their victim, BPDs will go to great

lengths to accomplish their smear campaigns.

I have countless stories of my nada's attempts to destroy and ruin my life.

For most of my life she was successful. After my last divorce, I began my

on and off NC life with her. I remarried eight years ago and have not

allowed nada the opportunity to wreak havoc on my marriage.

I tell you my story so as you can see what your nada has done and is doing

to you is just what you would expect from BPDs. If she knows she is

getting to you, she will click her heels in glee. My suggestion...ignore

her and her viciousness. Nothing drives a BPD crazier than not reaping the

rewards of their destructive efforts. And being ignored.

Hope this helps...

[Guest guest]

(((((Tag))))) I wish I had some great advice for you, but I experienced the

same dynamic with my bpd/npd mother, my nada, and it was pretty much a no-win

situation for me. The couple of times I attempted to tell my nada that she'd

hurt my feelings, she turned it around on me and claimed I was attacking her (in

a truly upsetting, drama-soaked way): Total. No. Win. (I couldn't handle it

and ended up going total No Contact, permanently.)

When the abusive attacks are ongoing, not just a one-time ugly incident of the

past, then its pretty much impossible to ignore it if someone keeps stomping on

your foot that way, so to speak. That's awful that your nada continues to

repeat and refer to this false accusation. I feel for your pain. It sounds

like your nada has that need to wreak revenge against people whom she feels have

hurt her/ignored her/disrespected her in some way, like my nada did.

Is it possible for you to make this issue a boundary: a rule for yourself? So

that the instant nada brings up that topic in any way, shape or form, the visit

is over: " Mom, its not OK to make a false accusation like that about my

husband and me. Its wrong to spread a lie, as you are doing. If you are not

going to retract it and make this right with us and with the rest of the family,

then this visit is over. " (And then you leave, or you take nada home.)

Perhaps your extended family already doesn't actually take the slanderous things

your nada says about you/your husband, seriously? Maybe they're just being

polite and non-confrontational with her because they know how nasty and

disordered she is and they don't want her rage and false accusations directed at

their own self? Its hard to know what other people are really thinking, seems

to me. It could be that they're all afraid of her and just

placating/patronizing her for their own safety (which is not very supportive or

caring of your situation, true.)

But maybe if there are a couple or even one of your extended family members that

you feel is a really nice, genuinely kind, rational person, you could get to

know them better and it would become easier to discuss the truth about nada and

her ugly, false accusations, with them. Hopefully, you will receive validation

that at least one of your extended family realizes that your nada has

personality disorder and they don't take the nasty things she says seriously.

I hope that will turn out to be the case. If your nada is 90, though, I'm

afraid you're not going to see any positive changes in her. I hope I'm wrong.

-Annie

>

> Hello Old and New Friends,

>

> I'm here looking for some help and support. I know all of us have long

histories of painful and hurtful injuries inflicted upon us by our BPD parents.

But, if you are like me, there are a few things that are so bad they just stick

with you and tend to become events that you constantly go over in your head

looking for some kind of resolution, validation, or understanding. Such is the

case with my father's tools.

>

> Long, loooooong story short. My father died 15 years ago and he had a barn

full of his tools and also my husband's tools. The barn started small, but it

was expanded as my husband's business grew. We stored things in the barn

because we lived in a townhouse and didn't have room. A few years after my

Dad's death, we moved to a home with a garage of our own and my husband moved

his things to our house, leaving my Dad's things in the barn. Because the barn

had been expanded, once my husband took his things, what was left looked fairly

sparse. This prompted my Nada to say that my husband had stolen all of my

father's tools. There are numerous bizarre BPD twists and turns, but you get the

gist of it.

>

> Although my Nada has done anything she could over the years to split me from

my sister and the rest of the family, I have to say this is the event I would

point to if I had to pick the single most destructive thing that tore our family

apart. It created mistrust amongst all of us and it absolutely destroyed my

husband's reputation and my own. People far and wide within the family think of

us as thieves. I know you guys know we never took one single item, but I feel

compelled to tell you that if you unlock the old padlock on that barn right now,

you would go back in time and see my Dad's tools sitting on shelves, labeled in

his familiar bold handwriting, as though they are waiting for him to come in and

start building something. If it wasn't so heartbreaking because of what my Mom

has done, that barn would be a place of great comfort to visit and remember my

Dad.

>

> And this brings me to last night when my mother spent some time with us for a

visit. My blood boiled over when I heard her talking to my sister on the phone

about one of the Grandkids getting to " look around the barn " to see if there was

anything he might want, followed by this statement… " of course, all of the tools

are long gone as you know. "

>

> All of the tools are long gone – the legend of the grand theft continues and

try as I might I could not let it go. And so I confronted her again on it and

told her it was untrue. I told her the impact of it on me and my husband and I

told her she knew it wasn't true and that she needed to make it right. I feel

horrible for doing this – my Nada is 90 years old. In those moments I didn't

care how frail she was, how cloudy her memory might be, or how bad she might

feel to be nearing this stage of her life confronted with the knowledge that her

actions destroyed a family. I wanted her to feel bad and feel the gravity of

it. Of course, it was completely futile. There was no understanding from her

and only the typical borderline flip as she told me what a rotten daughter I

have always been and how nothing she has ever done to me will come close to the

hurt and pain and " rivers of tears " she has cried from having me as her child.

>

> If someone here has a way to stop grinding on one of these particularly tough

issues, I'd love to hear it. I feel like a horrible person for fighting with

her about it again. I feel like a weak person for not being able to let it go

and rise above it. This is a battle I will never win. I need to help to stop

fighting it.

>

> Tag

>

[Guest guest]

Annie - thank you so much for your reply. I know you are right and your advice

is really very helpful. I think since this is already " my big issue " anyway,

turning it into a boundary makes sense. I don't think she will bring it up

again soon because I was pretty rough with her last night. If she does, I will

be ready to end the visit or phone call immediately.

You are not the first person to suggest that possibly not everyone in my family

believes what my Nada has told them. I think you are right about that, but it's

hard not to allow myself to be split off from everyone. Of course, this is what

Nada intended all along, but sometimes it's just easier to let the whole family

go on with me and my husband. It's been going on so long now, most of them feel

like strangers to me, but the " idea " of a family is still something I fantasize

about. And - the good old holidays with all the commercials of families make it

that much more tantalizing and it makes me wonder what my life would have been

like if I hadn't experienced this crazy turmoil at the hands of one nutty

person.

Thank you again for your kindness and advice. I feel much better that I got it

out and discussed it here. I hope if I am lucky enough to make it to 90 years

old, I will have had the wisdom to right any wrongs I have made that have hurt

people.

Tag

> >

> > Hello Old and New Friends,

> >

> > I'm here looking for some help and support. I know all of us have long

histories of painful and hurtful injuries inflicted upon us by our BPD parents.

But, if you are like me, there are a few things that are so bad they just stick

with you and tend to become events that you constantly go over in your head

looking for some kind of resolution, validation, or understanding. Such is the

case with my father's tools.

> >

> > Long, loooooong story short. My father died 15 years ago and he had a barn

full of his tools and also my husband's tools. The barn started small, but it

was expanded as my husband's business grew. We stored things in the barn

because we lived in a townhouse and didn't have room. A few years after my

Dad's death, we moved to a home with a garage of our own and my husband moved

his things to our house, leaving my Dad's things in the barn. Because the barn

had been expanded, once my husband took his things, what was left looked fairly

sparse. This prompted my Nada to say that my husband had stolen all of my

father's tools. There are numerous bizarre BPD twists and turns, but you get the

gist of it.

> >

> > Although my Nada has done anything she could over the years to split me from

my sister and the rest of the family, I have to say this is the event I would

point to if I had to pick the single most destructive thing that tore our family

apart. It created mistrust amongst all of us and it absolutely destroyed my

husband's reputation and my own. People far and wide within the family think of

us as thieves. I know you guys know we never took one single item, but I feel

compelled to tell you that if you unlock the old padlock on that barn right now,

you would go back in time and see my Dad's tools sitting on shelves, labeled in

his familiar bold handwriting, as though they are waiting for him to come in and

start building something. If it wasn't so heartbreaking because of what my Mom

has done, that barn would be a place of great comfort to visit and remember my

Dad.

> >

> > And this brings me to last night when my mother spent some time with us for

a visit. My blood boiled over when I heard her talking to my sister on the

phone about one of the Grandkids getting to " look around the barn " to see if

there was anything he might want, followed by this statement… " of course, all of

the tools are long gone as you know. "

> >

> > All of the tools are long gone – the legend of the grand theft continues and

try as I might I could not let it go. And so I confronted her again on it and

told her it was untrue. I told her the impact of it on me and my husband and I

told her she knew it wasn't true and that she needed to make it right. I feel

horrible for doing this – my Nada is 90 years old. In those moments I didn't

care how frail she was, how cloudy her memory might be, or how bad she might

feel to be nearing this stage of her life confronted with the knowledge that her

actions destroyed a family. I wanted her to feel bad and feel the gravity of

it. Of course, it was completely futile. There was no understanding from her

and only the typical borderline flip as she told me what a rotten daughter I

have always been and how nothing she has ever done to me will come close to the

hurt and pain and " rivers of tears " she has cried from having me as her child.

> >

> > If someone here has a way to stop grinding on one of these particularly

tough issues, I'd love to hear it. I feel like a horrible person for fighting

with her about it again. I feel like a weak person for not being able to let it

go and rise above it. This is a battle I will never win. I need to help to

stop fighting it.

> >

> > Tag

> >

>

[Guest guest]

If she thought you were a thief, why should she want to be in your home? I

wouldn't want to be in the home of a thief.

Also she gets to call her hosts theives and get away with it? She was also

TRYING to start a fight or get a negative reaction.

Not okay! Good luck with this. Sounds like a dreadful woman.

On Mon, Nov 26, 2012 at 12:43 PM, anuria67854 anuria-67854@...>wrote:

> **

>

>

> (((((Tag))))) I wish I had some great advice for you, but I experienced

> the same dynamic with my bpd/npd mother, my nada, and it was pretty much a

> no-win situation for me. The couple of times I attempted to tell my nada

> that she'd hurt my feelings, she turned it around on me and claimed I was

> attacking her (in a truly upsetting, drama-soaked way): Total. No. Win. (I

> couldn't handle it and ended up going total No Contact, permanently.)

>

> When the abusive attacks are ongoing, not just a one-time ugly incident of

> the past, then its pretty much impossible to ignore it if someone keeps

> stomping on your foot that way, so to speak. That's awful that your nada

> continues to repeat and refer to this false accusation. I feel for your

> pain. It sounds like your nada has that need to wreak revenge against

> people whom she feels have hurt her/ignored her/disrespected her in some

> way, like my nada did.

>

> Is it possible for you to make this issue a boundary: a rule for yourself?

> So that the instant nada brings up that topic in any way, shape or form,

> the visit is over: " Mom, its not OK to make a false accusation like that

> about my husband and me. Its wrong to spread a lie, as you are doing. If

> you are not going to retract it and make this right with us and with the

> rest of the family, then this visit is over. " (And then you leave, or you

> take nada home.)

>

> Perhaps your extended family already doesn't actually take the slanderous

> things your nada says about you/your husband, seriously? Maybe they're just

> being polite and non-confrontational with her because they know how nasty

> and disordered she is and they don't want her rage and false accusations

> directed at their own self? Its hard to know what other people are really

> thinking, seems to me. It could be that they're all afraid of her and just

> placating/patronizing her for their own safety (which is not very

> supportive or caring of your situation, true.)

>

> But maybe if there are a couple or even one of your extended family

> members that you feel is a really nice, genuinely kind, rational person,

> you could get to know them better and it would become easier to discuss the

> truth about nada and her ugly, false accusations, with them. Hopefully, you

> will receive validation that at least one of your extended family realizes

> that your nada has personality disorder and they don't take the nasty

> things she says seriously.

>

> I hope that will turn out to be the case. If your nada is 90, though, I'm

> afraid you're not going to see any positive changes in her. I hope I'm

> wrong.

>

> -Annie

>

>

>

> >

> > Hello Old and New Friends,

> >

> > I'm here looking for some help and support. I know all of us have long

> histories of painful and hurtful injuries inflicted upon us by our BPD

> parents. But, if you are like me, there are a few things that are so bad

> they just stick with you and tend to become events that you constantly go

> over in your head looking for some kind of resolution, validation, or

> understanding. Such is the case with my father's tools.

> >

> > Long, loooooong story short. My father died 15 years ago and he had a

> barn full of his tools and also my husband's tools. The barn started small,

> but it was expanded as my husband's business grew. We stored things in the

> barn because we lived in a townhouse and didn't have room. A few years

> after my Dad's death, we moved to a home with a garage of our own and my

> husband moved his things to our house, leaving my Dad's things in the barn.

> Because the barn had been expanded, once my husband took his things, what

> was left looked fairly sparse. This prompted my Nada to say that my husband

> had stolen all of my father's tools. There are numerous bizarre BPD twists

> and turns, but you get the gist of it.

> >

> > Although my Nada has done anything she could over the years to split me

> from my sister and the rest of the family, I have to say this is the event

> I would point to if I had to pick the single most destructive thing that

> tore our family apart. It created mistrust amongst all of us and it

> absolutely destroyed my husband's reputation and my own. People far and

> wide within the family think of us as thieves. I know you guys know we

> never took one single item, but I feel compelled to tell you that if you

> unlock the old padlock on that barn right now, you would go back in time

> and see my Dad's tools sitting on shelves, labeled in his familiar bold

> handwriting, as though they are waiting for him to come in and start

> building something. If it wasn't so heartbreaking because of what my Mom

> has done, that barn would be a place of great comfort to visit and remember

> my Dad.

> >

> > And this brings me to last night when my mother spent some time with us

> for a visit. My blood boiled over when I heard her talking to my sister on

> the phone about one of the Grandkids getting to " look around the barn " to

> see if there was anything he might want, followed by this statement… " of

> course, all of the tools are long gone as you know. "

> >

> > All of the tools are long gone – the legend of the grand theft continues

> and try as I might I could not let it go. And so I confronted her again on

> it and told her it was untrue. I told her the impact of it on me and my

> husband and I told her she knew it wasn't true and that she needed to make

> it right. I feel horrible for doing this – my Nada is 90 years old. In

> those moments I didn't care how frail she was, how cloudy her memory might

> be, or how bad she might feel to be nearing this stage of her life

> confronted with the knowledge that her actions destroyed a family. I wanted

> her to feel bad and feel the gravity of it. Of course, it was completely

> futile. There was no understanding from her and only the typical borderline

> flip as she told me what a rotten daughter I have always been and how

> nothing she has ever done to me will come close to the hurt and pain and

> " rivers of tears " she has cried from having me as her child.

> >

> > If someone here has a way to stop grinding on one of these particularly

> tough issues, I'd love to hear it. I feel like a horrible person for

> fighting with her about it again. I feel like a weak person for not being

> able to let it go and rise above it. This is a battle I will never win. I

> need to help to stop fighting it.

> >

> > Tag

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

The truth is that if it wasn't this thief accusation it would have been

something else. Just remember you are in control of your reactions & how people

treat you.

Believe me I have those same happy family fantasies and that is exactly what

they are fantasies. It is up to & your husband to make happy memories.

>

> Hello Old and New Friends,

>

> I'm here looking for some help and support. I know all of us have long

histories of painful and hurtful injuries inflicted upon us by our BPD parents.

But, if you are like me, there are a few things that are so bad they just stick

with you and tend to become events that you constantly go over in your head

looking for some kind of resolution, validation, or understanding. Such is the

case with my father's tools.

>

> Long, loooooong story short. My father died 15 years ago and he had a barn

full of his tools and also my husband's tools. The barn started small, but it

was expanded as my husband's business grew. We stored things in the barn

because we lived in a townhouse and didn't have room. A few years after my

Dad's death, we moved to a home with a garage of our own and my husband moved

his things to our house, leaving my Dad's things in the barn. Because the barn

had been expanded, once my husband took his things, what was left looked fairly

sparse. This prompted my Nada to say that my husband had stolen all of my

father's tools. There are numerous bizarre BPD twists and turns, but you get the

gist of it.

>

> Although my Nada has done anything she could over the years to split me from

my sister and the rest of the family, I have to say this is the event I would

point to if I had to pick the single most destructive thing that tore our family

apart. It created mistrust amongst all of us and it absolutely destroyed my

husband's reputation and my own. People far and wide within the family think of

us as thieves. I know you guys know we never took one single item, but I feel

compelled to tell you that if you unlock the old padlock on that barn right now,

you would go back in time and see my Dad's tools sitting on shelves, labeled in

his familiar bold handwriting, as though they are waiting for him to come in and

start building something. If it wasn't so heartbreaking because of what my Mom

has done, that barn would be a place of great comfort to visit and remember my

Dad.

>

> And this brings me to last night when my mother spent some time with us for a

visit. My blood boiled over when I heard her talking to my sister on the phone

about one of the Grandkids getting to " look around the barn " to see if there was

anything he might want, followed by this statement… " of course, all of the tools

are long gone as you know. "

>

> All of the tools are long gone – the legend of the grand theft continues and

try as I might I could not let it go. And so I confronted her again on it and

told her it was untrue. I told her the impact of it on me and my husband and I

told her she knew it wasn't true and that she needed to make it right. I feel

horrible for doing this – my Nada is 90 years old. In those moments I didn't

care how frail she was, how cloudy her memory might be, or how bad she might

feel to be nearing this stage of her life confronted with the knowledge that her

actions destroyed a family. I wanted her to feel bad and feel the gravity of

it. Of course, it was completely futile. There was no understanding from her

and only the typical borderline flip as she told me what a rotten daughter I

have always been and how nothing she has ever done to me will come close to the

hurt and pain and " rivers of tears " she has cried from having me as her child.

>

> If someone here has a way to stop grinding on one of these particularly tough

issues, I'd love to hear it. I feel like a horrible person for fighting with

her about it again. I feel like a weak person for not being able to let it go

and rise above it. This is a battle I will never win. I need to help to stop

fighting it.

>

> Tag

>

[Guest guest]

Maybe you leaving, moving your stuff out and reducing your dependance on

her made her identity and purpose in life slip away from her (fear of

abandonment). BPs also tell lies so many times that the start to believe it

is truth. It is futile to try to reason with this. No facts will sway these

people. And you need to recognize that by being emotional about it you are

continuing to let her have control over you, which is what she seeks. You

have removed your physical items from within her control, so she is

clutching straws to keep your emotions within her control.

[Guest guest]

I agree with this post. NADAs don't take losing their grip on their targets

easily and they fantasize about re-tightening it as much as we fantasize about

nurturing mothers and happy families (to their sole advantage).

Rather than entertaining those dreams (which regularly pop back into mind) I use

such reactions as signals I need to reinforce my resolve to stan firm on my

boundaries and to double my investment on being a nurturing mother and

contributing to the development of a loving and caring family of my own. What I

do to that end IS something I can control and I don't want to risk wasting the

opportunity by obsessing over futile guilt feelings.

C.

>

> Maybe you leaving, moving your stuff out and reducing your dependance on

> her made her identity and purpose in life slip away from her (fear of

> abandonment). BPs also tell lies so many times that the start to believe it

> is truth. It is futile to try to reason with this. No facts will sway these

> people. And you need to recognize that by being emotional about it you are

> continuing to let her have control over you, which is what she seeks. You

> have removed your physical items from within her control, so she is

> clutching straws to keep your emotions within her control.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Interesting thought! That we dream of nurturing mothers like they dream of

getting more control. Sounds right. Someone who dreams of controlling you

is not nice. They are nice as a tactic to get more control. That's the only

way I understand their " jeckyl and hyde " behavior. The nice guy is for

control and then mean guy is for control. The nice guy isn't real, only the

drive for control is real.

On Tue, Dec 4, 2012 at 10:51 AM, cactusetpapillon Proferond@...>wrote:

> **

>

>

> I agree with this post. NADAs don't take losing their grip on their

> targets easily and they fantasize about re-tightening it as much as we

> fantasize about nurturing mothers and happy families (to their sole

> advantage).

>

> Rather than entertaining those dreams (which regularly pop back into mind)

> I use such reactions as signals I need to reinforce my resolve to stan firm

> on my boundaries and to double my investment on being a nurturing mother

> and contributing to the development of a loving and caring family of my

> own. What I do to that end IS something I can control and I don't want to

> risk wasting the opportunity by obsessing over futile guilt feelings.

>

> C.

>

>

> >

> > Maybe you leaving, moving your stuff out and reducing your dependance on

> > her made her identity and purpose in life slip away from her (fear of

> > abandonment). BPs also tell lies so many times that the start to believe

> it

> > is truth. It is futile to try to reason with this. No facts will sway

> these

> > people. And you need to recognize that by being emotional about it you

> are

> > continuing to let her have control over you, which is what she seeks. You

> > have removed your physical items from within her control, so she is

> > clutching straws to keep your emotions within her control.

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

I like that you told her to stop. You get to decide if you will be falsely

accused, especially in your own home.

I do not like that she abused you by telling you you're a bad daughter. I also

don't like that you are continuing to abuse yourself by calling yourself " weak "

and " horrible. " You set a boundary and stood up for yourself. That s not bad.

You can decide if people who abuse you and pick fights with you get to continue

visiting you in your home. I can understand why this is a sore subject for you.

I think it continues to bother you because your mother won't let it go, not

because you won't.

Have you talked about this with your T? Do you need firmer boundaries to take

care of yourslf? What rules will help you?

Sveta

>

> Hello Old and New Friends,

>

> I'm here looking for some help and support. I know all of us have long

histories of painful and hurtful injuries inflicted upon us by our BPD parents.

But, if you are like me, there are a few things that are so bad they just stick

with you and tend to become events that you constantly go over in your head

looking for some kind of resolution, validation, or understanding. Such is the

case with my father's tools.

>

> Long, loooooong story short. My father died 15 years ago and he had a barn

full of his tools and also my husband's tools. The barn started small, but it

was expanded as my husband's business grew. We stored things in the barn

because we lived in a townhouse and didn't have room. A few years after my

Dad's death, we moved to a home with a garage of our own and my husband moved

his things to our house, leaving my Dad's things in the barn. Because the barn

had been expanded, once my husband took his things, what was left looked fairly

sparse. This prompted my Nada to say that my husband had stolen all of my

father's tools. There are numerous bizarre BPD twists and turns, but you get the

gist of it.

>

> Although my Nada has done anything she could over the years to split me from

my sister and the rest of the family, I have to say this is the event I would

point to if I had to pick the single most destructive thing that tore our family

apart. It created mistrust amongst all of us and it absolutely destroyed my

husband's reputation and my own. People far and wide within the family think of

us as thieves. I know you guys know we never took one single item, but I feel

compelled to tell you that if you unlock the old padlock on that barn right now,

you would go back in time and see my Dad's tools sitting on shelves, labeled in

his familiar bold handwriting, as though they are waiting for him to come in and

start building something. If it wasn't so heartbreaking because of what my Mom

has done, that barn would be a place of great comfort to visit and remember my

Dad.

>

> And this brings me to last night when my mother spent some time with us for a

visit. My blood boiled over when I heard her talking to my sister on the phone

about one of the Grandkids getting to " look around the barn " to see if there was

anything he might want, followed by this statement… " of course, all of the tools

are long gone as you know. "

>

> All of the tools are long gone – the legend of the grand theft continues and

try as I might I could not let it go. And so I confronted her again on it and

told her it was untrue. I told her the impact of it on me and my husband and I

told her she knew it wasn't true and that she needed to make it right. I feel

horrible for doing this – my Nada is 90 years old. In those moments I didn't

care how frail she was, how cloudy her memory might be, or how bad she might

feel to be nearing this stage of her life confronted with the knowledge that her

actions destroyed a family. I wanted her to feel bad and feel the gravity of

it. Of course, it was completely futile. There was no understanding from her

and only the typical borderline flip as she told me what a rotten daughter I

have always been and how nothing she has ever done to me will come close to the

hurt and pain and " rivers of tears " she has cried from having me as her child.

>

> If someone here has a way to stop grinding on one of these particularly tough

issues, I'd love to hear it. I feel like a horrible person for fighting with

her about it again. I feel like a weak person for not being able to let it go

and rise above it. This is a battle I will never win. I need to help to stop

fighting it.

>

> Tag

>

[Guest guest]

I do understand how you feel. I'm going through this now with my (wish she

wasn't) nada. She insists that I/we have been lying to her and stealing from her

for years. She disowned us a few times but called us back. A couple weeks ago

she really let us have it and said she was tired of all the lying and stealing

that's been going on for years, that we stole from her the first time she moved

out here (to our area). It's all lies of course but it hurts to be accused. And

I'm sure she's spreading these lies to anyone she meets.

Like you, I want to contact her and tell her that she's the liar, that none of

it is true but I know it won't make a dent in her stone cold heart. She is dead

inside. Nothing I say or do will make a difference. We (hubby and I) have tried

so hard these past 4 years since my Dad died to care for her, to be there for

every little blip on her radar (she freaked out on 4th of July and we drove over

to spend the late evening with her). I kept feeling sorry for her (like you do)

because she's alone and elderly, 84 yo. But she's far from helpless. She's a

viper in sweatpants.

I wish I knew how to stop the thoughts. I can stop my behavior by not contacting

her. But my brain is another matter. It doesn't hurt so much now because I

honestly don't give a flying fig about her any more. I am going to write a

letter but not send it. For me it feels good to get all my thoughts and feelings

down. I have a file on my computer with a journal about her behavior and letters

that I've written but never sent to her. They act as good reminders of what she

really is when I start feeling soft towards her again. Why stick my head into a

viper's den?

You are not horrible. You have a heart and tender feelings that are being

trampled. You are not like her one bit. I'm sorry you're hurting so much but

grateful that your heart hasn't turned to stone like hers. Be yourself, share

your kindness and love with people who will appreciate it.

> >

> > All of the tools are long gone – the legend of the grand theft continues and

try as I might I could not let it go. And so I confronted her again on it and

told her it was untrue. I told her the impact of it on me and my husband and I

told her she knew it wasn't true and that she needed to make it right. I feel

horrible for doing this – my Nada is 90 years old. In those moments I didn't

care how frail she was, how cloudy her memory might be, or how bad she might

feel to be nearing this stage of her life confronted with the knowledge that her

actions destroyed a family. I wanted her to feel bad and feel the gravity of

it. Of course, it was completely futile. There was no understanding from her

and only the typical borderline flip as she told me what a rotten daughter I

have always been and how nothing she has ever done to me will come close to the

hurt and pain and " rivers of tears " she has cried from having me as her child.

> >

> > If someone here has a way to stop grinding on one of these particularly

tough issues, I'd love to hear it. I feel like a horrible person for fighting

with her about it again. I feel like a weak person for not being able to let it

go and rise above it. This is a battle I will never win. I need to help to

stop fighting it.

> >

> > Tag

> >

>