They never learn - never

[Guest guest]

My nada raised 3 children. Oldest was golden son, middle son was the bad child,

I was youngest and the only girl who basically got ignored or beat up by

everyone. Nada's motto for women in general is " put up and shut up! " You get the

idea.

Fast forward to today. My brothers and I are all in our mid-thirties. Golden son

can't hold a job to save his life and freeloads at every turn. He's never owned

a thing and will never find a girlfriend, he barely has friends, smokes weed,

drinks, cigarettes... etc.

Nada who is broke, can't retire fully and barely supports herself gave him a

cell phone because it bothered her that she 'couldn't get in touch with him'

........ she never learns. It's ALWAYS about her needs and issues regardless if

its harmful to others.

Nada and I had numerous conversations about her constant coddling and how much

it's crippled his ability to move through life independently. She says I can't

possibly know anything because I'm not a mother. She says that he " needs her

help " and that she really doesn't mind helping because that's what good mothers

do. It's so sad and pathetic. She's blind to the damage she's done. It's

irreversable.

*sigh* I'm exhausted. I don't even bother anymore. Just sad to see it never,

ever, ever changes.

PS: I gave her that cell phone he now uses.

Hellfire

[Guest guest]

Wow - this is scary how familiar it is. I have two older brothers, the

oldest was golden, unless he was causing her problems, the middle one was

always bad, accordiung to Nada, difficult birth, always crying as a baby.

I am the only girl, 7 and 9 years younger than my brothers.

I was the fawn.

I look back now and see how my brothers learned to manipulate my emotions.

If I wasn't bending over backwards for them, helping them out or lending

them money, they'd accuse me of being just like mom. Which they probably

know would be the biggest insult and get me to comply.

Or they would look to me to be their surrogate mother when nada wasn't

talking to them. I think sometimes they think my nada and I are the same

person.

Well, they are both approaching 50, and have nothing, broken marriages, no

contact with their kids, no house, no car, no phone.

One is an alcoholic and the other a drug addict.

My mother hasn't talked to me in 6 months, because I said enough is enough.

I won't help anymore, and her " helping " is what has kept them where they

are. All they have ever needed was a mother to hug and emotionally support

them, not someone to rescue them, buy them stuff, and then when she feels

like it, drop them again.

She is now trying it with my oldest son (17), he had almost saved enough

money for a guitar he wanted, so she goes out and buys it for him. Because

it made her feel better about herself.

No more. I've put a stop to it. I've had to have a talk with my son

explaining that she is the reason his uncles are the way they are.

And that she is dangerous.

_____

From: WTOAdultChildren1

[mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 ] On Behalf Of Hellfireblonde

Sent: November-26-12 7:31 PM

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Subject: They never learn - never

My nada raised 3 children. Oldest was golden son, middle son was the bad

child, I was youngest and the only girl who basically got ignored or beat up

by everyone. Nada's motto for women in general is " put up and shut up! " You

get the idea.

Fast forward to today. My brothers and I are all in our mid-thirties. Golden

son can't hold a job to save his life and freeloads at every turn. He's

never owned a thing and will never find a girlfriend, he barely has friends,

smokes weed, drinks, cigarettes... etc.

Nada who is broke, can't retire fully and barely supports herself gave him a

cell phone because it bothered her that she 'couldn't get in touch with him'

........ she never learns. It's ALWAYS about her needs and issues regardless

if its harmful to others.

Nada and I had numerous conversations about her constant coddling and how

much it's crippled his ability to move through life independently. She says

I can't possibly know anything because I'm not a mother. She says that he

" needs her help " and that she really doesn't mind helping because that's

what good mothers do. It's so sad and pathetic. She's blind to the damage

she's done. It's irreversable.

*sigh* I'm exhausted. I don't even bother anymore. Just sad to see it never,

ever, ever changes.

PS: I gave her that cell phone he now uses.

Hellfire

[Guest guest]

Wow , did we live in the same family!!! Thanks for sharing, it validates my

feelings a lot to know others have the same struggle.

The guitar thing with your son is so classic waif nada. Co-dependent. They never

see past their own selfish need to feel good. They don't see the difference

between an appropriate gift and enabling. The money lending is familiar too. My

brothers both coersed me for a long time into doing things like giving money,

cars, favours, etc. If I didn't comply I would get abused, condescended. They

both now abuse my mother, and they hate women in general. It's so sad.

My nada lets her own brother abuse her also. He's another family alcoholic and

all he had to do was scream at her and she would give into his demeands every

time. He took over their parents house when they died and has run it to ruins;

she will receive nothing from her parents legacy. When my grandfather (her dad)

passed her left a small amount of money to his two grandaughters (me and my

female cousin) and my nada. My nada was so upset that he left my useless/abusive

brothers out of his will that she demanded I give my share to her so she could

distribute it as she saw fit. She swore me to secrecy that I would never tell

anyone my brothers were cut out and she saw what her dad did as terrible, etc.

RIDICULOUS! To be honest I don't care about the money; I was proud of my

grandfather for seeing our family for who they truly are. My nada doesn't

consider respecting her father's last wishes because SHE ALWAYS knows whats best

for everyone. So narcisisstic.