Re: Flea? Bad reaction?

November 27, 2012

I personally see a difference between:

(a) A friend/loved one is doing some angry venting about things in general (they

hate their boss, they're angry about the economy, they're disappointed in

something about their own self, etc.) as opposed to

( A friend / loved one is verbally attacking you, directing venomous,

vitriolic rage at you, calling you names, denigrating you, threatening you,

throwing things at you, accusing you of whatever, etc.

Situation ( is an example of verbal / emotional abuse. Its not healthy or

productive to allow someone (anyone) to rage *AT you*.

The " freezing in place " and " fawning " (placating, appeasing, puppy-like)

reactions are triggered when the " target " feels they are less powerful than/not

equal to the person who is angry and raging at them. (The position a child is

in, in relation to their parent.)

Children and baby animals will freeze in place to try and blend in with the

environment to avoid a dangerous predator or an angry adult, or they will fawn

when an adult appears in order to solicit caregiving responses from the adult.

These are subconscious (automatic) coping mechanisms, and when we are children,

they can help us survive an angry, raging parent. I was a " freeze in place and

go numb " type, myself, in order to cope with my raging nada.

Things like cognitive behavioral therapy can help you learn how to change your

reactions, teach you methods to stay " in the moment " instead of allowing your

automatic " freeze in place " reaction to set in. When you are able to stay

present, focused and in control (instead of going numb/freezing) then you can do

things like say, " I realize that you are really angry at me, but I can't talk

with you when you are screaming at me / calling me names /(etc.) We can try

discussing this later, after you have calmed down. I'm going to leave for a

while; call me when you feel ready to discuss this calmly. "

I hope that helps.

-Annie

>

> So, the Nada rage is probably familiar, unfortunately, to many of you. My

nada was a big rager. It was scary.

>

> Now, as an adult, I find myself really, really uncomfortable around anger.

when my wife gets angry about something I totally shut down and find myself

afraid to move or speak or do anything, and I find myself terrified that it will

last forever. Clearly, I turn into the terrified child at the mercy of my nada.

>

> It's healthy to be angry sometimes, so I need to learn to deal with it. Any

thoughts on this?

> Thanks!

> Leah

>

November 27, 2012

It does trigger some visceral response in us. I get physically sick when I'm

around angry people. I don't quite know how to stop it because it happens so

quickly. I have to talk to myself mentally and remind myself that it's his/her

problem; it's not my fault or if it is my fault, I tell myself that everyone

makes mistakes. Fix it and move on. But this mental process takes time to

convince my stomach all is well. LOL

I'm sure Annie will have better advice but if you need some time to shut down to

protect yourself and work through it, I'd say take that time. With practice,

you'll bounce back quicker.

>

> So, the Nada rage is probably familiar, unfortunately, to many of you. My

nada was a big rager. It was scary.

>

> Now, as an adult, I find myself really, really uncomfortable around anger.

when my wife gets angry about something I totally shut down and find myself

afraid to move or speak or do anything, and I find myself terrified that it will

last forever. Clearly, I turn into the terrified child at the mercy of my nada.

>

> It's healthy to be angry sometimes, so I need to learn to deal with it. Any

thoughts on this?

> Thanks!

> Leah

>

November 27, 2012

I know exactly what you are talking about here. For years I wasn't even

aware of it. It was just part of me and my " anxious " patterns.

Just being married and living with someone there are days when we get short

with each other, a normal part of a healthy relationship. But when my

husband would be short with me I felt those same feelings of being frozen

with fear. Or if he is frustrated and angry with the kids, I become the

" fawn " , what I did with nada when she was going at my older brothers. If

money is the issue, then I immediately feel guilt, like somehow it is all my

fault, that the car broke down, or whatever the issue is at the moment.

My husband never rages at me, but I react to any hint of irritation in his

voice, even if it is not directed at me, with that same fear.

He's definitely not an angry guy, so I certainly have no reason to feel the

way I do.

I should say I used to, because as I have become aware of it, I have been

able to step back a little from the emotion. I have even said to my husband,

" Hey, I'm having one of those moments, I feel the fear coming on. " and we'll

slow down and talk in a more nurturing way with each other.

As I have started to nurture myself more, and calm myself down in these

moments, I think they happen less often. They still happen, but certainly

less often. Learning unconditional love from my dh and kids has helped me

understand healthy love.

I guess ( I hope?) because the underlying fear of anger and rejection (when

I was a child from my nada) is being replaced with normal responses. My

therapist said it is possible to " re-parent " yourself, and re-train the

emotional system.

_____