Am I doing the right thing?

[Guest guest]

Hi everyone. its been a while since I've checked in with you. I have not talked

to Nada in over a year. I know! I am surprised of my strength. She is not doing

well when it comes to her life and I know she needs help but I can't help her

like I want to. I am a full-time Master's student & wife. Why do I feel so

guilty? Sometimes I ask myself why I miss her. Is it that I still hold on to the

dream that she will one day be the mother I always needed her to be or is it

that distorted corrupted pull & the familiarity? All I know is that this new

'normal' feels nice most of the time and other times I am sad when I think about

her.

Some BPD specialists say it is a good thing to detach yourself from a relative

or friend that is causing negative stress and chaos in your life. However,

others say that it could make your BPD relative or friend worse bc they feel

even more abandoned. IDK.

[Guest guest]

I have no doubt the NC with some nadas make them worse. It is normal to

feel guilty forcing them into a situation where they ARE abandoned not just

feeling like they will be, but I have come to the conclusion that I have

sacrificed my happiness for her insanity for long enough. I have 3 kids who

need my undivided attention and I am not able to parent them properly with

nada sucking me dry of my happiness. I may try to reconnect when my kids

get older and are in less need of me. I'm sure as she ages she will need my

intervention so my brother doesn't bear the burden (which he is not likely

to even try to do) so I rationalize this is my time to get healthy and whole

so when the medical issues start in a few years I will be able to handle it.

I can only be pulled in so many directions and that is not one I'm willing

to be pulled in at this point in time.

You have to do what is best for you and if the guilt overwhelms you and is

not worth NC then it may be better to go to LC with boundaries. I am not

strong enough to hold boundaries with nada because she pushes and rages if

she is restrained in the least so NC really is the only option for me while

I have kids at home. She completely railroads my boundaries with my kids

and is in a power struggle over them when I'm present with her. That is

ridiculous. Once they are 16 if they want to drive to see nada and enDad so

be it - they'll have to make their own assessment of them and decide their

contact level.

Stay strong and try to find a level that works best for you to operate in a

healthy way!

[Guest guest]

My own personal opinion about that, is that its not your responsibility to

manage your nada's feelings for her. If she feels abandoned by your No Contact,

then that's her issue to deal with, not yours. Her feelings are her own to

manage.

Its up to you to decide whether you feel its safe and you feel you are strong

enough to manage having a limited-contact relationship with your nada, with firm

boundaries in place to protect yourself and the willingness to follow through

with consequences if your boundaries are trodden on.

There isn't any right or wrong choice, its just about what feels safe or unsafe

*to you*, feels doable or not doable, and feels like a choice you can live with,

or can't.

And yes, its normal & natural to mourn and go through the stages of grief, when

it finally registers in one's heart as well as mind that there isn't going to be

a happy ending; nada isn't likely to have a sudden, miraculous epiphany of

realization about herself and how her negative behaviors have damaged her

children. Its not likely that nada will ever feel the need to change herself,

and will instead blame you and others for victimizing and/or abandoning her.

Its hard to integrate the concept that you (we) are, in effect, emotionally

orphaned (and may have always been.)

-Annie

>

> Hi everyone. its been a while since I've checked in with you. I have not

talked to Nada in over a year. I know! I am surprised of my strength. She is not

doing well when it comes to her life and I know she needs help but I can't help

her like I want to. I am a full-time Master's student & wife. Why do I feel so

guilty? Sometimes I ask myself why I miss her. Is it that I still hold on to the

dream that she will one day be the mother I always needed her to be or is it

that distorted corrupted pull & the familiarity? All I know is that this new

'normal' feels nice most of the time and other times I am sad when I think about

her.

>

> Some BPD specialists say it is a good thing to detach yourself from a relative

or friend that is causing negative stress and chaos in your life. However,

others say that it could make your BPD relative or friend worse bc they feel

even more abandoned. IDK.

>

[Guest guest]

I think you feel guilty for all of the reasons stated...

I feel exactly the same as you for all of the reasons you do...

It is absolutely awful being the child of a BP as there is no good answer...

anything we do feels wrong. Contact feels wrong, NC feels wrong.

But tomorrow is another day and maybe you'll feel better simply because

it's another day...

[Guest guest]

I suspect that missing her is probably a combination of holding

onto an unrealistic dream and the familiarity of having her in

your life. Guilt comes from years of being taught a distorted

view of how people interact along with cultural ideas of how

family members should always be loving and kind to each other.

I think that " the right thing " varies a lot from person to

person. If you feel better most of the time, then it seems to me

that you're doing the right thing. You're both adults so you are

not responsible for her feelings. Since her behavior is what has

caused you to stop talking to her, she is responsible for how

that makes her feel. When you do something with the intention to

hurt someone, you bear some responsibility for the results of

your actions. You didn't do something abusive or mean in order

to make her feel bad though. You took steps to protect yourself

from her and those steps may have hurt her feelings. There's a

huge difference between those things. Each person has to choose

to live their own life in the way that is best for themselves.

You can't live your life trying to make someone else feel good,

particularly when that person is mentally ill in a way that

ensures that nothing you do will ever actually make her happy.

At 11:34 AM 11/27/2012 amothertomymother wrote:

>Hi everyone. its been a while since I've checked in with you. I

>have not talked to Nada in over a year. I know! I am surprised

>of my strength. She is not doing well when it comes to her life

>and I know she needs help but I can't help her like I want to.

>I am a full-time Master's student & wife. Why do I feel so

>guilty? Sometimes I ask myself why I miss her. Is it that I

>still hold on to the dream that she will one day be the mother

>I always needed her to be or is it that distorted corrupted

>pull & the familiarity? All I know is that this new 'normal'

>feels nice most of the time and other times I am sad when I

>think about her.

>

>Some BPD specialists say it is a good thing to detach yourself

>from a relative or friend that is causing negative stress and

>chaos in your life. However, others say that it could make your

>BPD relative or friend worse bc they feel even more abandoned.

>IDK.

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

Thank you so much for your reply. Your words are so true. It is so refreshing to

be a part of this group. Being with people who can truly understand where you

have been.

> >Hi everyone. its been a while since I've checked in with you. I

> >have not talked to Nada in over a year. I know! I am surprised

> >of my strength. She is not doing well when it comes to her life

> >and I know she needs help but I can't help her like I want to.

> >I am a full-time Master's student & wife. Why do I feel so

> >guilty? Sometimes I ask myself why I miss her. Is it that I

> >still hold on to the dream that she will one day be the mother

> >I always needed her to be or is it that distorted corrupted

> >pull & the familiarity? All I know is that this new 'normal'

> >feels nice most of the time and other times I am sad when I

> >think about her.

> >

> >Some BPD specialists say it is a good thing to detach yourself

> >from a relative or friend that is causing negative stress and

> >chaos in your life. However, others say that it could make your

> >BPD relative or friend worse bc they feel even more abandoned.

> >IDK.

>

> --

> Katrina

>

[Guest guest]

I held on to the dream that she will one day be the mother I always needed until

the day she died. While I have no regrets regarding going NC and seeking therapy

to rid myself of ingrained bad habits and fears, I think i will always long for

a mother's love. After all, I am a human. We all long to be nutured.

Beth

Hi everyone. its been a while since I've checked in with you. I have not

talked to Nada in over a year. I know! I am surprised of my strength. She is not

doing well when it comes to her life and I know she needs help but I can't help

her like I want to. I am a full-time Master's student & wife. Why do I feel so

guilty? Sometimes I ask myself why I miss her. Is it that I still hold on to the

dream that she will one day be the mother I always needed her to be or is it

that distorted corrupted pull & the familiarity? All I know is that this new

'normal' feels nice most of the time and other times I am sad when I think about

her.

Some BPD specialists say it is a good thing to detach yourself from a relative

or friend that is causing negative stress and chaos in your life. However,

others say that it could make your BPD relative or friend worse bc they feel

even more abandoned. IDK.

[Guest guest]

I think we can miss what's familiar: drama and being controlled. They

severely damaged our core selves so quiet time without drama can feel

empty. We also can miss the dream of fixing them and making them what we

wished they would be. Which they promised us when they wanted to get

control. Sometimes we had the upper hand and that was intoxicating. There's

a lot of miss but none of it is good. Their theatrics and manic energy and

charm could be intoxicating. They can really flatter an ego when they want

something. It's on a very high frequency that we're used to that " normal "

life doesn't really correspond to.

I got some footed pajamas. I remember verrry little from my childhood but

my pajamas reminded me that I had some footed pajamas that I loved and I

wore the foot bottoms out. If I am recalling correctly no one noticed that

my favorite outfit was no longer functioning at keeping me comfortable and

warm. I don't think I had the courage to tell anyone because I was " walking

on eggshells " . How sad is that? No amount of drama and bs makes us for not

having someone care about you.

This was one of the myriad of ways that they showed me that they didn't

care about me.

On Tue, Nov 27, 2012 at 10:30 PM, Rico and Beth rama@...>wrote:

> **

>

>

> I held on to the dream that she will one day be the mother I always needed

> until the day she died. While I have no regrets regarding going NC and

> seeking therapy to rid myself of ingrained bad habits and fears, I think i

> will always long for a mother's love. After all, I am a human. We all long

> to be nutured.

>

> Beth

>

>

> Hi everyone. its been a while since I've checked in with you. I have not

> talked to Nada in over a year. I know! I am surprised of my strength. She

> is not doing well when it comes to her life and I know she needs help but I

> can't help her like I want to. I am a full-time Master's student & wife.

> Why do I feel so guilty? Sometimes I ask myself why I miss her. Is it that

> I still hold on to the dream that she will one day be the mother I always

> needed her to be or is it that distorted corrupted pull & the familiarity?

> All I know is that this new 'normal' feels nice most of the time and other

> times I am sad when I think about her.

>

> Some BPD specialists say it is a good thing to detach yourself from a

> relative or friend that is causing negative stress and chaos in your life.

> However, others say that it could make your BPD relative or friend worse bc

> they feel even more abandoned. IDK.

>

>

[Guest guest]

When I first discovered BPD I bookmarked the following article, I just read

it again today, and really the whole BPD thing is just so sad...and

summarized perfectly:

" The tragic cycle of the BPD: fear of abandonment and rejection resulting in

a self-fulfilling prophecy. "

http://www.articlesbase.com/psychology-articles/borderline-personalty-fear-o

f-abandonment-and-rejection-1157085.html

[Guest guest]

A good, insightful and personal article that a lot of KOs can relate to, RE how

the author's bpd mother's behaviors impacted their relationship. Thanks for

sharing it.

The author's comment, that she finally realized that she could not have an

*authentic* relationship with her bpd mother, resonated with me. For me, when I

was still in contact with my nada, it felt like a relationship I was " managing. "

It felt artificial. It felt inauthentic.

-Annie

>

> When I first discovered BPD I bookmarked the following article, I just read

> it again today, and really the whole BPD thing is just so sad...and

> summarized perfectly:

>

>

>

> " The tragic cycle of the BPD: fear of abandonment and rejection resulting in

> a self-fulfilling prophecy. "

>

>

>

> http://www.articlesbase.com/psychology-articles/borderline-personalty-fear-o

> f-abandonment-and-rejection-1157085.html

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Your observations resonate with me. I'm glad you bought your inner child some

nice, new footed pajamas; I hope it helps heal her heart.

-Annie

>

> > **

> >

> >

> > I held on to the dream that she will one day be the mother I always needed

> > until the day she died. While I have no regrets regarding going NC and

> > seeking therapy to rid myself of ingrained bad habits and fears, I think i

> > will always long for a mother's love. After all, I am a human. We all long

> > to be nutured.

> >

> > Beth

> >

> >

> > Hi everyone. its been a while since I've checked in with you. I have not

> > talked to Nada in over a year. I know! I am surprised of my strength. She

> > is not doing well when it comes to her life and I know she needs help but I

> > can't help her like I want to. I am a full-time Master's student & wife.

> > Why do I feel so guilty? Sometimes I ask myself why I miss her. Is it that

> > I still hold on to the dream that she will one day be the mother I always

> > needed her to be or is it that distorted corrupted pull & the familiarity?

> > All I know is that this new 'normal' feels nice most of the time and other

> > times I am sad when I think about her.

> >

> > Some BPD specialists say it is a good thing to detach yourself from a

> > relative or friend that is causing negative stress and chaos in your life.

> > However, others say that it could make your BPD relative or friend worse bc

> > they feel even more abandoned. IDK.

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Well said, everyone...

The drama is addictive. Like every addict you gotta go cold turkey to

break the addiction.

[Guest guest]

Thanks both of you. I appreciate it.

On Thu, Nov 29, 2012 at 10:46 AM, Janice Hall

janicehalldesigns@...>wrote:

> **

>

>

> Well said, everyone...

>

> The drama is addictive. Like every addict you gotta go cold turkey to

> break the addiction.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I like your comment: " when I was still in contact with my nada, it felt like a

relationship I was 'managing.' " That's pretty much what I shared with the

counselor yesterday. I had 4 questions for her and one had to do with this.

When I do spend time with nada, it's a constant battle to keep calm, not allow

her to push my buttons, respond with logic and patience. But then I come home

and want to crawl into bed because I feel so exhausted. My question was: if I'm

doing so much better at the " medium chill " , why do I still feel so drained? She

explained the process to me, what I mentally have to go through each time nada

throws out a zinger. Then to have one after another zinger thrown at me, it's

normal to feel tired. I love that word normal. LOL It was a lot easier to

" manage " 60 volunteers at work than to manage one nada for 5 hours.

>

> A good, insightful and personal article that a lot of KOs can relate to, RE

how the author's bpd mother's behaviors impacted their relationship. Thanks for

sharing it.

>

> The author's comment, that she finally realized that she could not have an

*authentic* relationship with her bpd mother, resonated with me. For me, when I

was still in contact with my nada, it felt like a relationship I was " managing. "

It felt artificial. It felt inauthentic.

>

> -Annie

>