An anthropological approach to holidays *wink*

[Guest guest]

In trying to replace family holidays (aka hideous behavior anger-fests) with

more functional holidays, I find myself feeling a bit like Dian Fosse studying

the Rwandan apes (or maybe I’m an ape studying Fosse’s family?). A couple

of weeks ago, I received a long email from the mother-unit, in which she wove

quite a web of misery about her current health problems, how horrible my sister

is since she married a vile man and had a daughter, and that Nada would be

having the Thanksgiving meal catered because she was too weak to even boil water

for tea. I replied that I was so sorry to hear about her many additional health

problems (they are constant and ongoing---she leaps from fictional illness to

fictional illness, and will probably outlive us all....), but that I had decided

not to travel for T’giving. I then told her I hoped she would have a

wonderful day. I call this the “fine art of polite disinterest.†I’ve

heard nothing since from her.

I had two Thanksgiving events to attend this year. Thursday, I went to a dear

friend’s family gathering, and ended up staying for five hours! The family

members teased each other, the kids occasionally misbehaved, and the food

wasn’t perfect. It was the most wonderful [and alien to me] gathering!

People disagreed, yet they didn’t attack each other, order each other out of

the house, or try to poison the other people present against the person who

disagreed! The kids were great, but they ranged in age from 2 to 8, and there

were outbreaks of [amazingly] child-like behavior. No one showed up with a

suitcase and began packing away any of the kids’ clothing, to go to the

orphanage (yep, this was a special and frequent holiday activity at our house

growing up). I really did, at times, feel like an alien studying a remote and

unfamiliar culture.....

Friday, I co-hosted another get-together, with a couple dozen folks present.

The conversations were great and lively, the crowd was very, very diverse, and

everyone seemed to enjoy everyone else. A couple of guests did have too much to

drink, but those folks were lovingly enjoyed/laughed at/attended to by the

others present. The slight bit of party drunkenness did nothing to damper the

great fun of the entire event. Again, I felt a bit like an alien studying an

unfamiliar civilization---but damn, it was fun to see how a group of people can

be flawed and silly and different, and still have a terrific, warm, and

incredibly FUN holiday together.

I continue to be amazed at the world outside of a BPD/Narcissistic household.

What a TREAT to be able to experience these terrific holiday events.

Next up: My birthday, just a few days away. It generally begins with a call

from Nada, telling me what a hideous pregnancy she had with me, how incredibly

long the labor was, and that I was a month overdue (disproved by medical

records), giving her an EXTRA month of hideous pregnancy pain. Many years ago,

I gave her a mean response, which was not my finest hour. I said, “Gosh, it

sounds like you should’ve worn a condom in (9 months before my birth).â€

Boy, that REALLY sent her into a rage. Oh, well.

I REALLY hope each of you were able to find a part of Thanksgiving to feel a bit

of peace and happiness about the things which are RIGHT in your life. It’s

tough when your mind has been programmed by a “blueprint for miseryâ€, but I

honestly believe that for the most part, that blueprint can eventually fall

aside in favor of holiday times with genuine, accepting, and loving friends and

[chosen] loved ones. HAPPY THANKSGIVING to my new friends in this group!

[Guest guest]

That's awesome, ! I agree: it IS an alien but delightfully different

experience to have dinners, parties and events with relatively mentally healthy

people. I am utterly charmed by such interactions. Its a real treat to be with

a bunch of people who actually like each other, aren't jealous of or competitive

with each other, don't feel the compulsion to form cliques, fling covert

insults / denigrating innuendoes at each other, don't feel the need to engage

in sabotaging other's credibility, or inflict controlling, demanding,

perfectionistic behaviors on others.

No histrionics.

No Drama!

Just companionable comfort and good will.

Its like heaven.

I'm glad for you that you got to experience that, in stereo!

-Annie

>

> In trying to replace family holidays (aka hideous behavior anger-fests) with

more functional holidays, I find myself feeling a bit like Dian Fosse studying

the Rwandan apes (or maybe I’m an ape studying Fosse’s family?). A couple

of weeks ago, I received a long email from the mother-unit, in which she wove

quite a web of misery about her current health problems, how horrible my sister

is since she married a vile man and had a daughter, and that Nada would be

having the Thanksgiving meal catered because she was too weak to even boil water

for tea. I replied that I was so sorry to hear about her many additional health

problems (they are constant and ongoing---she leaps from fictional illness to

fictional illness, and will probably outlive us all....), but that I had decided

not to travel for T’giving. I then told her I hoped she would have a

wonderful day. I call this the “fine art of polite disinterest.†I’ve

heard nothing since from her.....

[Guest guest]

LOL!!!!! Thanks ! That was a refreshing view. I totally agree that

BPD people suck the fun right out of holidays and if we can find somewhere

to go that is enjoyable albeit dysfunctional then we are certainly better

off!!! Happy birthday to you!

[Guest guest]

, you have the best-est attitude ever. And so hilarious to read, I was

chortling! How I remember those days of old, being threatened with boarding

school for my perceived misbehavior: 'I'LL FARM YOU OUT!!!, " was the phrase,

said with the granite face and contemptuous hiss which compared me to a barnyard

animal to be traded at will.

Please don't mistake my humor for poking fun. I am very aware of your pain and

the abuse you suffered. That being said, I also love black humor. " Gallows

humor " it's also called, when even the blackest tragedy can offer some aspect to

chuckle at. Doesn't laughter lower our blood pressure, relieve strain and pain a

little? It does for me, and I'm in pain right now, and your post gave me a

chuckle and relieved my burden for a moment. Thank you.

, your post did me a lot of good, and I'm very grateful you are here.

Please keep coming back and posting, you funny guy.

AFB

>

> In trying to replace family holidays (aka hideous behavior anger-fests) with

more functional holidays, I find myself feeling a bit like Dian Fosse studying

the Rwandan apes (or maybe I’m an ape studying Fosse’s family?). A couple

of weeks ago, I received a long email from the mother-unit, in which she wove

quite a web of misery about her current health problems, how horrible my sister

is since she married a vile man and had a daughter, and that Nada would be

having the Thanksgiving meal catered because she was too weak to even boil water

for tea. I replied that I was so sorry to hear about her many additional health

problems (they are constant and ongoing---she leaps from fictional illness to

fictional illness, and will probably outlive us all....), but that I had decided

not to travel for T’giving. I then told her I hoped she would have a

wonderful day. I call this the “fine art of polite disinterest.†I’ve

heard nothing since from her.

>

> I had two Thanksgiving events to attend this year. Thursday, I went to a dear

friend’s family gathering, and ended up staying for five hours! The family

members teased each other, the kids occasionally misbehaved, and the food

wasn’t perfect. It was the most wonderful [and alien to me] gathering!

People disagreed, yet they didn’t attack each other, order each other out of

the house, or try to poison the other people present against the person who

disagreed! The kids were great, but they ranged in age from 2 to 8, and there

were outbreaks of [amazingly] child-like behavior. No one showed up with a

suitcase and began packing away any of the kids’ clothing, to go to the

orphanage (yep, this was a special and frequent holiday activity at our house

growing up). I really did, at times, feel like an alien studying a remote and

unfamiliar culture.....

>

> Friday, I co-hosted another get-together, with a couple dozen folks present.

The conversations were great and lively, the crowd was very, very diverse, and

everyone seemed to enjoy everyone else. A couple of guests did have too much to

drink, but those folks were lovingly enjoyed/laughed at/attended to by the

others present. The slight bit of party drunkenness did nothing to damper the

great fun of the entire event. Again, I felt a bit like an alien studying an

unfamiliar civilization---but damn, it was fun to see how a group of people can

be flawed and silly and different, and still have a terrific, warm, and

incredibly FUN holiday together.

>

> I continue to be amazed at the world outside of a BPD/Narcissistic household.

What a TREAT to be able to experience these terrific holiday events.

>

> Next up: My birthday, just a few days away. It generally begins with a call

from Nada, telling me what a hideous pregnancy she had with me, how incredibly

long the labor was, and that I was a month overdue (disproved by medical

records), giving her an EXTRA month of hideous pregnancy pain. Many years ago,

I gave her a mean response, which was not my finest hour. I said, “Gosh, it

sounds like you should’ve worn a condom in (9 months before my birth).â€

Boy, that REALLY sent her into a rage. Oh, well.

>

> I REALLY hope each of you were able to find a part of Thanksgiving to feel a

bit of peace and happiness about the things which are RIGHT in your life.

It’s tough when your mind has been programmed by a “blueprint for miseryâ€,

but I honestly believe that for the most part, that blueprint can eventually

fall aside in favor of holiday times with genuine, accepting, and loving friends

and [chosen] loved ones. HAPPY THANKSGIVING to my new friends in this group!

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I love your post ! It really brought a smile to me, thinking of the absurd

family gatherings that were my normal.

Especially the part about a few drunken guests. At our family events, a few

drinks usually ended up with physical fights and people telling each other to

“F$%^ offâ€

Even at my wedding where my 2 brothers got into it and one punched his fist

through the glass door of the church.

Sigh…absurd….

Seriously no better way than to look at this than with humour!

_____

From: WTOAdultChildren1

[mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 ] On Behalf Of awayfromborderland

Sent: November-27-12 7:31 PM

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Subject: Re: An anthropological approach to holidays *wink*

, you have the best-est attitude ever. And so hilarious to read, I was

chortling! How I remember those days of old, being threatened with boarding

school for my perceived misbehavior: 'I'LL FARM YOU OUT!!!, " was the phrase,

said with the granite face and contemptuous hiss which compared me to a barnyard

animal to be traded at will.

Please don't mistake my humor for poking fun. I am very aware of your pain and

the abuse you suffered. That being said, I also love black humor. " Gallows

humor " it's also called, when even the blackest tragedy can offer some aspect to

chuckle at. Doesn't laughter lower our blood pressure, relieve strain and pain a

little? It does for me, and I'm in pain right now, and your post gave me a

chuckle and relieved my burden for a moment. Thank you.

, your post did me a lot of good, and I'm very grateful you are here.

Please keep coming back and posting, you funny guy.

AFB

>

> In trying to replace family holidays (aka hideous behavior anger-fests) with

more functional holidays, I find myself feeling a bit like Dian Fosse studying

the Rwandan apes (or maybe I’m an ape studying Fosse’s family?). A

couple of weeks ago, I received a long email from the mother-unit, in which she

wove quite a web of misery about her current health problems, how horrible my

sister is since she married a vile man and had a daughter, and that Nada would

be having the Thanksgiving meal catered because she was too weak to even boil

water for tea. I replied that I was so sorry to hear about her many additional

health problems (they are constant and ongoing---she leaps from fictional

illness to fictional illness, and will probably outlive us all....), but that I

had decided not to travel for T’giving. I then told her I hoped she would

have a wonderful day. I call this the “fine art of polite

disinterest.†I’ve heard nothing since from her.

>

> I had two Thanksgiving events to attend this year. Thursday, I went to a dear

friend’s family gathering, and ended up staying for five hours! The

family members teased each other, the kids occasionally misbehaved, and the food

wasn’t perfect. It was the most wonderful [and alien to me] gathering!

People disagreed, yet they didn’t attack each other, order each other out

of the house, or try to poison the other people present against the person who

disagreed! The kids were great, but they ranged in age from 2 to 8, and there

were outbreaks of [amazingly] child-like behavior. No one showed up with a

suitcase and began packing away any of the kids’ clothing, to go to the

orphanage (yep, this was a special and frequent holiday activity at our house

growing up). I really did, at times, feel like an alien studying a remote and

unfamiliar culture.....

>

> Friday, I co-hosted another get-together, with a couple dozen folks present.

The conversations were great and lively, the crowd was very, very diverse, and

everyone seemed to enjoy everyone else. A couple of guests did have too much to

drink, but those folks were lovingly enjoyed/laughed at/attended to by the

others present. The slight bit of party drunkenness did nothing to damper the

great fun of the entire event. Again, I felt a bit like an alien studying an

unfamiliar civilization---but damn, it was fun to see how a group of people can

be flawed and silly and different, and still have a terrific, warm, and

incredibly FUN holiday together.

>

> I continue to be amazed at the world outside of a BPD/Narcissistic household.

What a TREAT to be able to experience these terrific holiday events.

>

> Next up: My birthday, just a few days away. It generally begins with a call

from Nada, telling me what a hideous pregnancy she had with me, how incredibly

long the labor was, and that I was a month overdue (disproved by medical

records), giving her an EXTRA month of hideous pregnancy pain. Many years ago, I

gave her a mean response, which was not my finest hour. I said, “Gosh, it

sounds like you should’ve worn a condom in (9 months before my

birth).†Boy, that REALLY sent her into a rage. Oh, well.

>

> I REALLY hope each of you were able to find a part of Thanksgiving to feel a

bit of peace and happiness about the things which are RIGHT in your life.

It’s tough when your mind has been programmed by a “blueprint for

miseryâ€Â, but I honestly believe that for the most part, that blueprint can

eventually fall aside in favor of holiday times with genuine, accepting, and

loving friends and [chosen] loved ones. HAPPY THANKSGIVING to my new friends in

this group!

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Dian Fossey observing the great apes! Love it!

During the final chapter of my time attending family of origin holiday dinners,

my NPD bada told my nada to " get the gravy the f*ck out of my face. "

In the world of great apes I would surmise that a juvenile/subordinate ape would

be pounded into submission for disrespecting the silverback. A show of social

organization and order........ my FOO could learn a little something from them.

[Guest guest]

Hi,

I have not posted in a long time, but I find myself sort of melancholy with the

holidays, and it is good to see that others feel the same way. I have been NC

over seven years now (!).  and there have been one or two times that I did speak

with nada on the phone, but her OZiness was so obvious, that I realized what is

the point.  But this doesn't mean it still doesn' tmake me sad.  I get sad about

the other FOO members and how they will never have the opportunity to see life

outside of OZ.  I do yearn for a mother, especially times when I need advice.

 Stuff like that still makes me sad sometimes.

 

I had several invitations over Thanksgiving, and I enjoyed them all.  I really

enjoyed the post about being an alien studying a foreign country.  LOL.  I found

that, although I was in really good company over Thanksgiving, I still get

nervous at slight little things that I do that are human.  For example, as I was

leaving one gathering, I sort of said the wrong thing and stumbled a little and

made this lamp rattle.  I did not knock it over, and I was not tipsy, I just was

clumsy.  But I got nervous about it.  I am still walking on eggshells.  But it's

all a lot better than it used to be.

 

It feels good to revisit this group, and see that I am not alone in my

ambivalence about the holidays.

And I wonder if I will ever be completely free of walking on eggshells.  Nada

just made me believe I had to be so perfect, or otherwise I would be rejected

and abandoned.  I remember the requirements of perfection that happened daily in

the FOO growing up, and I can't believe them now, although I still feel their

emotional impact.

 

Have a happy and safe holiday season,

Walkingto.

From you friend

" WALKING TO HAPPINESS " .

May we all walk towards happiness...

[Guest guest]

Wow, your message, more than any, just hit me so hard.  I have not posted or

replied yet to any, but this one gets me.  Those darned eggshells and so

concisely explained by you.  I used to break out in sweats when my clumsiness

happened. And now I don't, not nearly as much anyway.  Ever since I figured out

my nada is BPD (only figured it out a month ago after 41 years), it is getting

less and less. I still sweat but my anxiety is finally diminishing and I am

feeling more acceptable in this world.  I am a hard worker, incredibly honest,

great mom and wife....finally starting to feel I have a right to exist and be in

this world and allowed to have some happiness...thank you for this community, it

is really helping me.  My thanks to you all!