That smells RANCID (Nada theme number 578)

[Guest guest]

I was just cutting up a tomato that wasn't ideally fresh, though still good, and

it triggered me back to one of nada's most annoying and perplexing behvaiors.

She was constantly traumitized by smells--especially food smells, especially if

I was eating something that she WASN'T eating.

It was just vexing, just maddenningly annoying and confusing. Here's how it

would go down. I'd be cooking something or about to snack on something. She of

course, would attempt to invade the process. (Right away it was not acceptable

for me to be eating when *she wasn't, but that's a point for another day.) She

would stick her nose into whatever I was cooking or serving, and become

wide-eyed and incredulous. She would look paralyzed, like a three year old

human child version of a deer caught in headlights. She would say, 'that smells

RANCID'. or, 'that smells FUNNY.' And then she would make a face and little

shake of SUCH disgust, as if she had just witnessed (well--smelled) the single

mose disgusting thing a human possibly can. Honestly an appropriate reaction to

say, if I had just poured open a box of maggots, and was about to eat it. She

would then switch back to incredulous, wide-eyed, and say 'can't you SMELL

that?' And then she would stare at me, motionless, and of course not respond to

anything I said. She would then admonish me not to eat it. (Of course!)

She also would be riding in the car or walking around department stores and

'smell' something, and go through a similar scenario.

I can figure out the code in most of her thought processes, but this one I never

could get 100%. It might well be that she was unable to regulate the emotion of

'smelling' bad food, or her smell was too sensitive for drugs she was on, or it

triggered something back to her childhood. But what I do know is that it was

not that pure--since SHE was having an unmanageable emotion, I also had to have

MY food ruined (and I never enjoyed my meal or snack after she did this--so

convinced would she be that what I was eating was 'rancid'.) Since I was

eating, I was trapped--like being in the car, or being at a public event. I had

food laid out. She had an opporunity to strike, bks I WAS going to eat it, and

she needed to use that. And so she would, to advance one of her main themes, ad

nauseum (that I weighed too much and was physically 'disgusting'. I was not

overweight. But she made me feel I was.)

I don't know. I know that, even years of NC down the line, just thinking of

this behavior annoys the crap out of me. Sometimes when I am having a bad day

and therefore a hard time fighting off the memories, all I have to do is pour

some milk or crack an egg, and I'll see nada's horrible wide-eyed protest in my

face. 'That smells....(pause) RANCID'. (Deer caught in headlights, three years

old, how can you eat maggots? The world is ending!)

Sigh.

[Guest guest]

Maybe she didn't like you acting autonomous. Made her feel out of control so she

ran that act to ruin it for you and to control you

On Nov 28, 2012, at 4:44 PM, " charlottehoneychurch "

charlottehoneychurch@...> wrote:

> I was just cutting up a tomato that wasn't ideally fresh, though still good,

and it triggered me back to one of nada's most annoying and perplexing

behvaiors. She was constantly traumitized by smells--especially food smells,

especially if I was eating something that she WASN'T eating.

>

> It was just vexing, just maddenningly annoying and confusing. Here's how it

would go down. I'd be cooking something or about to snack on something. She of

course, would attempt to invade the process. (Right away it was not acceptable

for me to be eating when *she wasn't, but that's a point for another day.) She

would stick her nose into whatever I was cooking or serving, and become

wide-eyed and incredulous. She would look paralyzed, like a three year old human

child version of a deer caught in headlights. She would say, 'that smells

RANCID'. or, 'that smells FUNNY.' And then she would make a face and little

shake of SUCH disgust, as if she had just witnessed (well--smelled) the single

mose disgusting thing a human possibly can. Honestly an appropriate reaction to

say, if I had just poured open a box of maggots, and was about to eat it. She

would then switch back to incredulous, wide-eyed, and say 'can't you SMELL

that?' And then she would stare at me, motionless, and of course not respond to

anything I said. She would then admonish me not to eat it. (Of course!)

>

> She also would be riding in the car or walking around department stores and

'smell' something, and go through a similar scenario.

>

> I can figure out the code in most of her thought processes, but this one I

never could get 100%. It might well be that she was unable to regulate the

emotion of 'smelling' bad food, or her smell was too sensitive for drugs she was

on, or it triggered something back to her childhood. But what I do know is that

it was not that pure--since SHE was having an unmanageable emotion, I also had

to have MY food ruined (and I never enjoyed my meal or snack after she did

this--so convinced would she be that what I was eating was 'rancid'.) Since I

was eating, I was trapped--like being in the car, or being at a public event. I

had food laid out. She had an opporunity to strike, bks I WAS going to eat it,

and she needed to use that. And so she would, to advance one of her main themes,

ad nauseum (that I weighed too much and was physically 'disgusting'. I was not

overweight. But she made me feel I was.)

>

> I don't know. I know that, even years of NC down the line, just thinking of

this behavior annoys the crap out of me. Sometimes when I am having a bad day

and therefore a hard time fighting off the memories, all I have to do is pour

some milk or crack an egg, and I'll see nada's horrible wide-eyed protest in my

face. 'That smells....(pause) RANCID'. (Deer caught in headlights, three years

old, how can you eat maggots? The world is ending!)

>

> Sigh.

>

>

[Guest guest]

My nada did something similar, but her line was " there's a HAIR in that! " and

often I knew darn well that there was NOT, but she'd make such a fuss that no

one within hearing distance could eat. I think her line was all about control.

As to the smelling, huh. Smell is the most primitive sense, totally develops

first, significantly before birth, and may be a connection back to early

childhood memories that helped shape her pd.

>

> I was just cutting up a tomato that wasn't ideally fresh, though still good,

and it triggered me back to one of nada's most annoying and perplexing

behvaiors. She was constantly traumitized by smells--especially food smells,

especially if I was eating something that she WASN'T eating.

>

> It was just vexing, just maddenningly annoying and confusing. Here's how it

would go down. I'd be cooking something or about to snack on something. She of

course, would attempt to invade the process. (Right away it was not acceptable

for me to be eating when *she wasn't, but that's a point for another day.) She

would stick her nose into whatever I was cooking or serving, and become

wide-eyed and incredulous. She would look paralyzed, like a three year old

human child version of a deer caught in headlights. She would say, 'that smells

RANCID'. or, 'that smells FUNNY.' And then she would make a face and little

shake of SUCH disgust, as if she had just witnessed (well--smelled) the single

mose disgusting thing a human possibly can. Honestly an appropriate reaction to

say, if I had just poured open a box of maggots, and was about to eat it. She

would then switch back to incredulous, wide-eyed, and say 'can't you SMELL

that?' And then she would stare at me, motionless, and of course not respond to

anything I said. She would then admonish me not to eat it. (Of course!)

>

> She also would be riding in the car or walking around department stores and

'smell' something, and go through a similar scenario.

>

> I can figure out the code in most of her thought processes, but this one I

never could get 100%. It might well be that she was unable to regulate the

emotion of 'smelling' bad food, or her smell was too sensitive for drugs she was

on, or it triggered something back to her childhood. But what I do know is that

it was not that pure--since SHE was having an unmanageable emotion, I also had

to have MY food ruined (and I never enjoyed my meal or snack after she did

this--so convinced would she be that what I was eating was 'rancid'.) Since I

was eating, I was trapped--like being in the car, or being at a public event. I

had food laid out. She had an opporunity to strike, bks I WAS going to eat it,

and she needed to use that. And so she would, to advance one of her main

themes, ad nauseum (that I weighed too much and was physically 'disgusting'. I

was not overweight. But she made me feel I was.)

>

> I don't know. I know that, even years of NC down the line, just thinking of

this behavior annoys the crap out of me. Sometimes when I am having a bad day

and therefore a hard time fighting off the memories, all I have to do is pour

some milk or crack an egg, and I'll see nada's horrible wide-eyed protest in my

face. 'That smells....(pause) RANCID'. (Deer caught in headlights, three years

old, how can you eat maggots? The world is ending!)

>

> Sigh.

>

[Guest guest]

I applaud your ability to find humor in your experiences with nada. It's

so easy to get consumed with having been traumatized. A little humor is

the best medicine...

On Nov 28, 2012 1:44 PM, " charlottehoneychurch " <

charlottehoneychurch@...> wrote:

> **

>

>

> I was just cutting up a tomato that wasn't ideally fresh, though still

> good, and it triggered me back to one of nada's most annoying and

> perplexing behvaiors. She was constantly traumitized by smells--especially

> food smells, especially if I was eating something that she WASN'T eating.

>

> It was just vexing, just maddenningly annoying and confusing. Here's how

> it would go down. I'd be cooking something or about to snack on something.

> She of course, would attempt to invade the process. (Right away it was not

> acceptable for me to be eating when *she wasn't, but that's a point for

> another day.) She would stick her nose into whatever I was cooking or

> serving, and become wide-eyed and incredulous. She would look paralyzed,

> like a three year old human child version of a deer caught in headlights.

> She would say, 'that smells RANCID'. or, 'that smells FUNNY.' And then she

> would make a face and little shake of SUCH disgust, as if she had just

> witnessed (well--smelled) the single mose disgusting thing a human possibly

> can. Honestly an appropriate reaction to say, if I had just poured open a

> box of maggots, and was about to eat it. She would then switch back to

> incredulous, wide-eyed, and say 'can't you SMELL that?' And then she would

> stare at me, motionless, and of course not respond to anything I said. She

> would then admonish me not to eat it. (Of course!)

>

> She also would be riding in the car or walking around department stores

> and 'smell' something, and go through a similar scenario.

>

> I can figure out the code in most of her thought processes, but this one I

> never could get 100%. It might well be that she was unable to regulate the

> emotion of 'smelling' bad food, or her smell was too sensitive for drugs

> she was on, or it triggered something back to her childhood. But what I do

> know is that it was not that pure--since SHE was having an unmanageable

> emotion, I also had to have MY food ruined (and I never enjoyed my meal or

> snack after she did this--so convinced would she be that what I was eating

> was 'rancid'.) Since I was eating, I was trapped--like being in the car, or

> being at a public event. I had food laid out. She had an opporunity to

> strike, bks I WAS going to eat it, and she needed to use that. And so she

> would, to advance one of her main themes, ad nauseum (that I weighed too

> much and was physically 'disgusting'. I was not overweight. But she made me

> feel I was.)

>

> I don't know. I know that, even years of NC down the line, just thinking

> of this behavior annoys the crap out of me. Sometimes when I am having a

> bad day and therefore a hard time fighting off the memories, all I have to

> do is pour some milk or crack an egg, and I'll see nada's horrible

> wide-eyed protest in my face. 'That smells....(pause) RANCID'. (Deer caught

> in headlights, three years old, how can you eat maggots? The world is

> ending!)

>

> Sigh.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Wow. I could be wrong (this is just me speculating) but I wonder whether this

particular behavior could be a really subtle, indirect, covert way to show

hostility toward you, these attempts to fill you with revulsion about what you

were preparing to eat, so that you could not enjoy eating it or might not eat it

at all. (Its sort of a verbal equivalent of spitting on your food so you

wouldn't want to eat it; very hostile.)

If its OK to ask, did she begin doing that to you when you were a child, or did

it start later in your life?

Even if your nada started doing that to you when you were a teen or young adult,

I still think you are lucky that being subjected to that didn't make you

anorexic or give you a phobia about food. Holy cow!

Perhaps your nada was projecting her own issues about her own weight onto you

because in her mind, you were her (no boundaries, no individuality.) If she was

denying herself food, maybe the " disgusting odor " thing was her " clever " ,

passive-aggressive way to make you deny yourself a food treat as well. If she

was going to starve herself, then you had to starve too.

Its hard to really know what's going on in someone else's head.

But I will share that like yours, my nada seemed to be hyper-sensitive to odors

too. Bad odors in particular, that nobody else could smell. Perhaps that is an

indicator of their abnormal brain-wiring? Makes me wonder.

And my nada was into torturing me with food when I was a child; she'd literally

force me with threats of physical punishment to eat food I didn't want to eat,

until at one point I gagged and began to choke trying to swallow a

gelatin+cottage cheese+fruit concoction she'd made, and I spontaneously vomited

at the dinner table.

Sometimes I'd be so tense and upset from having had a bad day with nada, that

I'd come to the dinner table with no appetite at all. My " place " at our house

was to sit next to nada at our table. When I was upset, it was like I couldn't

swallow; it felt like my throat had gone dry and swelled up or something. So

when she'd badger and threaten me to eat (particularly something new) it was

like torture. At least she stopped doing that after I gagged and vomited.

Nada truly had a horror RE mess of any kind, so I guess she decided that she

wouldn't risk forcing me to eat after that incident. I was about 11 when that

happened. After puberty hit, I became bulimic. It took until my 40's for me to

get past that unhealthy behavior.

-Annie

>

> I was just cutting up a tomato that wasn't ideally fresh, though still good,

and it triggered me back to one of nada's most annoying and perplexing

behvaiors. She was constantly traumitized by smells--especially food smells,

especially if I was eating something that she WASN'T eating.

>

> It was just vexing, just maddenningly annoying and confusing. Here's how it

would go down. I'd be cooking something or about to snack on something. She of

course, would attempt to invade the process. (Right away it was not acceptable

for me to be eating when *she wasn't, but that's a point for another day.) She

would stick her nose into whatever I was cooking or serving, and become

wide-eyed and incredulous. She would look paralyzed, like a three year old

human child version of a deer caught in headlights. She would say, 'that smells

RANCID'. or, 'that smells FUNNY.' And then she would make a face and little

shake of SUCH disgust, as if she had just witnessed (well--smelled) the single

mose disgusting thing a human possibly can. Honestly an appropriate reaction to

say, if I had just poured open a box of maggots, and was about to eat it. She

would then switch back to incredulous, wide-eyed, and say 'can't you SMELL

that?' And then she would stare at me, motionless, and of course not respond to

anything I said. She would then admonish me not to eat it. (Of course!)

>

> She also would be riding in the car or walking around department stores and

'smell' something, and go through a similar scenario.

>

> I can figure out the code in most of her thought processes, but this one I

never could get 100%. It might well be that she was unable to regulate the

emotion of 'smelling' bad food, or her smell was too sensitive for drugs she was

on, or it triggered something back to her childhood. But what I do know is that

it was not that pure--since SHE was having an unmanageable emotion, I also had

to have MY food ruined (and I never enjoyed my meal or snack after she did

this--so convinced would she be that what I was eating was 'rancid'.) Since I

was eating, I was trapped--like being in the car, or being at a public event. I

had food laid out. She had an opporunity to strike, bks I WAS going to eat it,

and she needed to use that. And so she would, to advance one of her main

themes, ad nauseum (that I weighed too much and was physically 'disgusting'. I

was not overweight. But she made me feel I was.)

>

> I don't know. I know that, even years of NC down the line, just thinking of

this behavior annoys the crap out of me. Sometimes when I am having a bad day

and therefore a hard time fighting off the memories, all I have to do is pour

some milk or crack an egg, and I'll see nada's horrible wide-eyed protest in my

face. 'That smells....(pause) RANCID'. (Deer caught in headlights, three years

old, how can you eat maggots? The world is ending!)

>

> Sigh.

>

[Guest guest]

Hey, at least y'all had food!

In between nada's numerous marriages, she would return to her illustrious

career as a cocktail waitress usually at one of the big convention hotels

in Chicago. There she could have anything she wanted to eat. She left my

brother and I home alone with an empty refrigerator. We'd have to find a

friend's house to get a meal. When nada did decide to put a little food in

the house, it was typically a loaf of bread and pack of Kraft American

Cheese slices and a freezer with Banquet Pot Pies. If she was in a good

mood at the grocery store, she threw a box of Ho Ho's in the cart.

Nada wasn't trying to starve us to death, she simply didn't care.

Be content in the fact that you at least had food, albeit, your nada ruined

every meal that touched your lips.

Do you ever fantasize about having been adopted to The Waltons? I did.

[Guest guest]

That's pretty severe neglect, to leave children alone with little or no food in

the house night after night as your nada did. She could have made arrangements

for you to stay with someone else, arrange for a sitter, or at the very least

she could have bought a variety of nutritious foods for you to eat even though

she wasn't there. Treating your own children like stray animals, expecting

them to forage for food on their own, isn't love. I feel for you and your

brother; I wish you'd had a mother that cared.

But, sharing here isn't a contest. Abuse is abuse, and all of it does damage to

some degree or another; mild to severe. It seems to me that food control and

food torture by a parent is just as abusive as being starved or neglected. I

think that emotional abuse is just as bad as physical abuse, because emotional

abuse leaves no visible scars that could help the child get rescued. RE food

abuse, some members here have reported (in earlier years) how their nada would

feed them but would add things to the food that they *knew* their child / adult

child/ grandchild / adult child's spouse was allergic to. And claim to have

" forgotten " about the allergy. Repeatedly.

So, its all bad. Its all hideously abusive and unconscionable.

So when a member here says things like, " Well, at least you (whatever) " it feels

invalidating. At least, to me it does.

Humor is kind of a two edged sword. Its good when we can reach a point where we

can find some humor in the horror show we experienced as kids, but if a KO is

still in a vulnerable emotional state, its hard to find any humor in the things

that were done to us, particularly if such things are still impacting our lives

or are still being done to us by a bpd parent.

I kind of drift back and forth between feeling more healed, and still feeling

vulnerable. I guess my recent discovery of my nada's journal and reading how

she admitted there that she never liked me, reopened an old wound I believed

had healed. I thought I was past any possibility of her hurting me, ever again.

Wrong... again.

-Annie

>

> Hey, at least y'all had food!

>

> In between nada's numerous marriages, she would return to her illustrious

> career as a cocktail waitress usually at one of the big convention hotels

> in Chicago. There she could have anything she wanted to eat. She left my

> brother and I home alone with an empty refrigerator. We'd have to find a

> friend's house to get a meal. When nada did decide to put a little food in

> the house, it was typically a loaf of bread and pack of Kraft American

> Cheese slices and a freezer with Banquet Pot Pies. If she was in a good

> mood at the grocery store, she threw a box of Ho Ho's in the cart.

>

> Nada wasn't trying to starve us to death, she simply didn't care.

>

> Be content in the fact that you at least had food, albeit, your nada ruined

> every meal that touched your lips.

>

> Do you ever fantasize about having been adopted to The Waltons? I did.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

No contest intended. No invalidation intended. A little humor is healthy.

God forbid we all lose our sense of humor

One of the downsides of the internet/email...misinterpretations.

[Guest guest]

Annie,

I thought a bit more about your response and I have to agree with you on a

variety of points.

That said, everyone lives with their own experiences in their own way. I

just happened to use humor as my coping mechanism throughout my life. At

any point of devastation, I've resorted to humor. Some may never be able

to find humor in their experiences but will develop their own individual

coping mechanisms. There is no right way or wrong way. Whatever works for

the individual.

When I had my first round of brain surgery, at 25, upon meeting my

neurosurgeon at my bedside he scolded me for not taking my upcoming surgery

more seriously. I responded by, very seriously, telling him if I couldn't

find humor in the deal I wouldn't be able to cope with the situation. My

response embarrassed him a bit.

I've handled my life with nada in the same way. It doesn't mean I'm less

vulnerable than anyone else in this group, it's simply the way I've learned

to cope. Each and everyone of us has developed our own individual coping

mechanisms.

An online support group is great but it does lack the eye to eye contact.

Messages can and will be misinterpreted as the tone/delivery can't be seen

or heard.

Every single person who has been abused/neglected by a parent is tragic. I

think we can all agree on that point. The hurt never goes away, we just

learn how to cope/live with it.

[Guest guest]

My Nada would overreact to foods too, and I always contributed it to her

childish behaviors. For instance, I remember the first time Fada gave me a taste

of mustard. Nada freaked out and had a fit, because she hates mustard and so I

was never supposed to be introduced to it. To this day, if someone has mustard

in front of her, she starts saying that it looks like " baby shit " and she will

even dry heave. Always the actress!

Other foods would do it too, and when I got older, she would be eating some food

I made in my own house and critique it and tell me what ingredients to omit next

time-just because she hated them. It would really make me mad..not just because

it was rude, it was because she never cooked for me growing up. To this day, if

I run into some old school friends, they still remark how there was " nothing to

eat " at my house. The only home cooked dinners I remember were made by my

grandmother (nada's mom). It still pisses me off that she had her mother cooking

for her until the day she died, then expected ME to feed her. She would always

say I should make food for her too since I had " nothing else to do. " RRR!

>

> I was just cutting up a tomato that wasn't ideally fresh, though still good,

and it triggered me back to one of nada's most annoying and perplexing

behvaiors. She was constantly traumitized by smells--especially food smells,

especially if I was eating something that she WASN'T eating.

>

> It was just vexing, just maddenningly annoying and confusing. Here's how it

would go down. I'd be cooking something or about to snack on something. She of

course, would attempt to invade the process. (Right away it was not acceptable

for me to be eating when *she wasn't, but that's a point for another day.) She

would stick her nose into whatever I was cooking or serving, and become

wide-eyed and incredulous. She would look paralyzed, like a three year old

human child version of a deer caught in headlights. She would say, 'that smells

RANCID'. or, 'that smells FUNNY.' And then she would make a face and little

shake of SUCH disgust, as if she had just witnessed (well--smelled) the single

mose disgusting thing a human possibly can. Honestly an appropriate reaction to

say, if I had just poured open a box of maggots, and was about to eat it. She

would then switch back to incredulous, wide-eyed, and say 'can't you SMELL

that?' And then she would stare at me, motionless, and of course not respond to

anything I said. She would then admonish me not to eat it. (Of course!)

>

> She also would be riding in the car or walking around department stores and

'smell' something, and go through a similar scenario.

>

> I can figure out the code in most of her thought processes, but this one I

never could get 100%. It might well be that she was unable to regulate the

emotion of 'smelling' bad food, or her smell was too sensitive for drugs she was

on, or it triggered something back to her childhood. But what I do know is that

it was not that pure--since SHE was having an unmanageable emotion, I also had

to have MY food ruined (and I never enjoyed my meal or snack after she did

this--so convinced would she be that what I was eating was 'rancid'.) Since I

was eating, I was trapped--like being in the car, or being at a public event. I

had food laid out. She had an opporunity to strike, bks I WAS going to eat it,

and she needed to use that. And so she would, to advance one of her main

themes, ad nauseum (that I weighed too much and was physically 'disgusting'. I

was not overweight. But she made me feel I was.)

>

> I don't know. I know that, even years of NC down the line, just thinking of

this behavior annoys the crap out of me. Sometimes when I am having a bad day

and therefore a hard time fighting off the memories, all I have to do is pour

some milk or crack an egg, and I'll see nada's horrible wide-eyed protest in my

face. 'That smells....(pause) RANCID'. (Deer caught in headlights, three years

old, how can you eat maggots? The world is ending!)

>

> Sigh.

>

[Guest guest]

Did your Nada deny this behavior too? Mine did, hell, to hear her tell it, she

cooked ALL the time. The only time I remember Nada cooking regularly was when

she was married to her 2nd ex-husband and he would literally tell her what to

make everyday and leave her lists of things for her and I to accomplish when he

was gone. Like LONG pages of lists, to this day, when I see a to-do list I feel

sick.

Anyways, after she was divorced, she hardly ever cooked. I remember coming home

from school and asking what was for dinner and she would say things like, she

had a big lunch at work and wasn't hungry. Thanks a lot.

I think you are right, these Nadas just didn't care. Thank goodness my best

friend had a very Waltons type family (hehe) and they would let me stay with

them all the time. Years later my friend told me her parents hated my nada and

thought she was nuts, but they let me hang around so I could see what a normal

family was like! It was nice of them of course, but how humiliating!

>

> Hey, at least y'all had food!

>

> In between nada's numerous marriages, she would return to her illustrious

> career as a cocktail waitress usually at one of the big convention hotels

> in Chicago. There she could have anything she wanted to eat. She left my

> brother and I home alone with an empty refrigerator. We'd have to find a

> friend's house to get a meal. When nada did decide to put a little food in

> the house, it was typically a loaf of bread and pack of Kraft American

> Cheese slices and a freezer with Banquet Pot Pies. If she was in a good

> mood at the grocery store, she threw a box of Ho Ho's in the cart.

>

> Nada wasn't trying to starve us to death, she simply didn't care.

>

> Be content in the fact that you at least had food, albeit, your nada ruined

> every meal that touched your lips.

>

> Do you ever fantasize about having been adopted to The Waltons? I did.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Holy Cow!

What is the deal with nadas and food?

This one is new to me...

Just when you heard it all!

The exchanges of stories/experiences has opened my eyes...

At times I find myself picking my jaw up from the ground...

For over fifty years I thought I was the only one...

[Guest guest]

I guess you are still not understanding that your comment did make me feel

invalidated.

A little humor can hurt someone who is still feeling really vulnerable. I know

you didn't intend to hurt, but I wanted to raise your awareness or sensitivity

level about using humor.

Its like, you don't tell dead mother jokes to a person whose mother just died.

That kind of thing.

-Annie

>

> No contest intended. No invalidation intended. A little humor is healthy.

> God forbid we all lose our sense of humor

>

> One of the downsides of the internet/email...misinterpretations.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Annie,

I apologize for your receiving my remark in a way that made you feel

invalidated.

If you knew me, you would know that is not my style...

I do believe the internet/emails can be misinterpreted.

I sincerely would never do/say anything that would hurt someone.

[Guest guest]

Wow, Annie, yet again your experience opens my eyes to further insight with my

own nada. Thanks to you and everyone who's been sharing on this topic. It was

definitely a theme with my nada to try and make me 'fear' anything she was not

directly controlling. I think that this was less of an active wish to harm me

and more of a compulsion for attention and constant validation--or, the

compulsion to 'merge', if you will. I had to be her. Doing things *she didn't

feel like doing was not allowed. Maybe she was terrified of it, so she tried to

make ME terrified of it/disgusted by it. The behavior of nada's started as soon

as I was old enough to fix food on my own. It was the eating OUTSIDE of her

control that got to her. She also told me I was going to 'die in a car wreck'

and never let me drive without severe harrassment. She also tried to scare me

away from having any friends or family connections that she did not control.

When I was little she loved to have friends over to the house--but when I became

old enough to have my own friends and LEAVE the house--same kindof attempt to

shame or fear me out of it.

I am so sorry to hear about the bulimia. I did not recall this about your

story. It is monstrous, to have been subjected to what you were. I think that

I very luckily escaped an eating disorder because my nada associated the food

with control and for whatever reason, did not link it to body image. Maybe

because she did not have a weight problem herself. She still would sometimes

try to make me feel fat--often, in fact--but I picked up completely on the idea

that the reason she didn't want me to eat was because the food was disgusting

and I was being 'bad'--not because it would make me fat. I guess because she

did not have a terror that food would make HER fat, I lucked out on this one. I

still have a huge problem with bingeing on chips, wine, other stuff--sometimes,

for emotional regulation--but not as a thing in itself.

There were other ways that nada did actively want to harm me but in the food

prep case I think she was just trying to control my actions any way she could.

I think that understanding she wanted to manipulate my emotions completely helps

me to see this, as well. She manipulated my 'disgust' meter--and to this day, I

am very sensitive to criticism and emotional rejection, and also very sensitive

to feeling disgusted. I have trouble regulating. Some words that are gros to

me, I can't even say or type. Isn't that nuts?!

Best,

CHarlie

> >

> > Hey, at least y'all had food!

> >

> > In between nada's numerous marriages, she would return to her illustrious

> > career as a cocktail waitress usually at one of the big convention hotels

> > in Chicago. There she could have anything she wanted to eat. She left my

> > brother and I home alone with an empty refrigerator. We'd have to find a

> > friend's house to get a meal. When nada did decide to put a little food in

> > the house, it was typically a loaf of bread and pack of Kraft American

> > Cheese slices and a freezer with Banquet Pot Pies. If she was in a good

> > mood at the grocery store, she threw a box of Ho Ho's in the cart.

> >

> > Nada wasn't trying to starve us to death, she simply didn't care.

> >

> > Be content in the fact that you at least had food, albeit, your nada ruined

> > every meal that touched your lips.

> >

> > Do you ever fantasize about having been adopted to The Waltons? I did.

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

" to try and make me 'fear' anything she was not directly controlling "

Wow..that describes my experience with my nada, and to a certain she

succeeded. I must confess since going NC I've had bouts of anxiety, like my

whole life is going to fall apart because of this NC, like I can't make it

on my own.

Of course those fears are ridiculous, but explain why my brothers kept

falling down in their lives every time nada rejected them.

It's taken me my whole life and gradual successes to make me realize that I

am smart and confident. I was so scared to start college, my first job,

etc.. etc..

My mom never tried to control food that way, except to keep feeding me - in

fact she loves to eat, junk food that is.

And loves it if I`m eating junk food with her.

But she is HYPER sensitive to smells, especially diesel fumes, smoke, dog

smells. And she makes sure everyone knows about it.

_____

From: WTOAdultChildren1

[mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 ] On Behalf Of charlottehoneychurch

Sent: November-30-12 11:52 AM

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Subject: Re: That smells RANCID (Nada theme number 578)

Wow, Annie, yet again your experience opens my eyes to further insight with

my own nada. Thanks to you and everyone who's been sharing on this topic. It

was definitely a theme with my nada to try and make me 'fear' anything she

was not directly controlling. I think that this was less of an active wish

to harm me and more of a compulsion for attention and constant

validation--or, the compulsion to 'merge', if you will. I had to be her.

Doing things *she didn't feel like doing was not allowed. Maybe she was

terrified of it, so she tried to make ME terrified of it/disgusted by it.

The behavior of nada's started as soon as I was old enough to fix food on my

own. It was the eating OUTSIDE of her control that got to her. She also told

me I was going to 'die in a car wreck' and never let me drive without severe

harrassment. She also tried to scare me away from having any friends or

family connections that she did not control. When I was little she loved to

have friends over to the house--but when I became old enough to have my own

friends and LEAVE the house--same kindof attempt to shame or fear me out of

it.

I am so sorry to hear about the bulimia. I did not recall this about your

story. It is monstrous, to have been subjected to what you were. I think

that I very luckily escaped an eating disorder because my nada associated

the food with control and for whatever reason, did not link it to body

image. Maybe because she did not have a weight problem herself. She still

would sometimes try to make me feel fat--often, in fact--but I picked up

completely on the idea that the reason she didn't want me to eat was because

the food was disgusting and I was being 'bad'--not because it would make me

fat. I guess because she did not have a terror that food would make HER fat,

I lucked out on this one. I still have a huge problem with bingeing on

chips, wine, other stuff--sometimes, for emotional regulation--but not as a

thing in itself.

There were other ways that nada did actively want to harm me but in the food

prep case I think she was just trying to control my actions any way she

could. I think that understanding she wanted to manipulate my emotions

completely helps me to see this, as well. She manipulated my 'disgust'

meter--and to this day, I am very sensitive to criticism and emotional

rejection, and also very sensitive to feeling disgusted. I have trouble

regulating. Some words that are gros to me, I can't even say or type. Isn't

that nuts?!

Best,

CHarlie

> >

> > Hey, at least y'all had food!

> >

> > In between nada's numerous marriages, she would return to her

illustrious

> > career as a cocktail waitress usually at one of the big convention

hotels

> > in Chicago. There she could have anything she wanted to eat. She left my

> > brother and I home alone with an empty refrigerator. We'd have to find a

> > friend's house to get a meal. When nada did decide to put a little food

in

> > the house, it was typically a loaf of bread and pack of Kraft American

> > Cheese slices and a freezer with Banquet Pot Pies. If she was in a good

> > mood at the grocery store, she threw a box of Ho Ho's in the cart.

> >

> > Nada wasn't trying to starve us to death, she simply didn't care.

> >

> > Be content in the fact that you at least had food, albeit, your nada

ruined

> > every meal that touched your lips.

> >

> > Do you ever fantasize about having been adopted to The Waltons? I did.

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Thanks, I appreciate your understanding; it means a lot to me. I need to have

more flexibility RE different ways and means that different people have of

healing.

Thanks again.

-Annie

>

> Annie,

>

> I apologize for your receiving my remark in a way that made you feel

> invalidated.

>

> If you knew me, you would know that is not my style...

>

> I do believe the internet/emails can be misinterpreted.

> I sincerely would never do/say anything that would hurt someone.

>

>

>