Christmas Challenge

[Guest guest]

Since I decided NC with my mother 5 weeks ago, I have been through a lot of

emotional up and downs. I came out of the FOG to a great degree a year

ago..after years of not having a clue who she is and what she likely had.

The good thing is the longer the silence the more clarity I get on my past.

I can now finally piece together all the missing links of bizarre behaviors

in my FOO and of myself in reaction. No wonder I lived with panic attacks

most of my life.

I am wondering if the silence is deafening to her also? she has her momnets

of clearity also that I have seen..the longer I am NC the more I want to

stay away. I have even felt sheer joyful episodes in my life this last

week.

But I see that I am far from healed. My sleep reveals my subconscious is

digging deeper and feeling much pain. I wake up too often, I am grinding my

teeth and I have a knot in my back that almost feels like I will puke in the

mornings.

I so wish this could be resolved...it will not be the way I want.

Christmas is coming and my next challenge will be if I send her anything or

just continue this way or if she will bother with us all here. I am sure my

alcoholic, undiagnosed sociopath older brother is right behind her telling

her how awful I am etc. He is a great manipulator and she listens as she is

the Hermit/Waif great example.

Any shares so welcome

Twyla

[Guest guest]

I've been NC on and off for thirteen years. It's hard to maintain,

especially around the holidays.

I have always, even during the holidays, acknowledged nada by sending her

some kind of gift or making arrangements for her (and a friend if she could

possibly find one) to go someplace really nice for dinner since she lives

so far away.

I wish I had some good advice for you. I'm thinking almost all of us in

the group struggle with the NC thing...especially around the holidays. The

problem with having any contact with nada is it starts the game all over

again. The initial contact will escalate into the ugliness which will

result in needing to go NC again. The cycle.

Christmas is a little more than three weeks away. You (all of us) have

some time to come to a decision which we can live with. For me, I might

simply send nada a gift...some kind of acknowledgment. But no contact.

This is more for me than it is for her. Just like paying her rent/living

expenses. I don't do that for her. I do it for me.

Keep us posted...

[Guest guest]

Twyla,

I relate to your story. I have been basically no-contact with Nada (and

Fada) for several months, going on almost a year now. I knew I was making

the right decision to at least start the NC and take it day by day (I had

no idea how long I would go). But what happened is that, as weeks and

months go by, deeply suppressed memories began to resurface. For me, it's

been PTSD all over again, but these painful feelings and overflow of

memories are important to address, because that is what leads to healing

later on. I feel your pain! It's really, really hard! But don't run from

it. Let yourself go through it, and in the meantime, balance it by watching

your favorite shows, taking long baths, talk to friends, find something to

laugh at (I use youtube cat videos for example), and exercise if you can.

You will have moments where you feel strong and joyous because you'll start

to recognize just how FREE you are now that you are protecting yourself

from nada and your brother. It's a bumpy ride, and holiday season can be

the most painful part sometimes, but you are not alone, and it will get

better!

[Guest guest]

I love your reply Elana - you basically have said the same things my

therapist has said about nurturing myself as I allow myself to feel the pain

I've bottled up.

Anything that feels good to you, a magazine, a cup of tea.I splurged and

bought myself this incredibly beautiful bird feeder and have been watching

the chickadees, woodpeckers and bluejays singing and getting the peanuts out

of it. (I'm in Canada :-))

It may sound silly but this little thing brings me such peace and happiness

each day.

I used to have birdfeeders, but my nada (who lives next door) would always

rant and complain about how much she hates " those Damn birds! " .and I took

them down.another area she tried to control me and I let her. Guess she's in

for a surprise when she gets back from her vacation :-)

_____

From: WTOAdultChildren1

[mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 ] On Behalf Of Elana

Sent: November-29-12 2:26 PM

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Subject: Re: Christmas Challenge

Twyla,

I relate to your story. I have been basically no-contact with Nada (and

Fada) for several months, going on almost a year now. I knew I was making

the right decision to at least start the NC and take it day by day (I had

no idea how long I would go). But what happened is that, as weeks and

months go by, deeply suppressed memories began to resurface. For me, it's

been PTSD all over again, but these painful feelings and overflow of

memories are important to address, because that is what leads to healing

later on. I feel your pain! It's really, really hard! But don't run from

it. Let yourself go through it, and in the meantime, balance it by watching

your favorite shows, taking long baths, talk to friends, find something to

laugh at (I use youtube cat videos for example), and exercise if you can.

You will have moments where you feel strong and joyous because you'll start

to recognize just how FREE you are now that you are protecting yourself

from nada and your brother. It's a bumpy ride, and holiday season can be

the most painful part sometimes, but you are not alone, and it will get

better!

[Guest guest]

Birds/bird feeders are so calming...

We have a tiny little cabin in the mountains and I go up there simply to

feed the birds and chill. We have at least six feeders. I feed the

squrrels also.

Something about quiety communing with nature is worth its weight in gold...

and is priceless for its therapeutic qualities.

[Guest guest]

I am in the same position as you. I have been NC for about a month and

trying to decide whether to send her a gift or not for Christmas. She won't

send me anything that is for sure but I know sending her a gift will

prompt her to call me and think that I want to resume communication. It is

a tough call. I feel bad not sending her anything but on the other hand I

don't want to open up " Pandora's box " either. Things are so peaceful right

now and I know if I send a gift and she calls it will start all over again

and I just don't want that.

I would love to hear others shares on this and what they have done regarding

NC and the holidays.

Tracey

[Guest guest]

I so know what you mean about the Pandora's Box because it will happen. As

sure as the sun will rise, the calls will start up.

Here's my plan...

I will send nada a gift because it makes me feel better. For better or

worse (worse) she is my mother and it is Christmas. I will call to say

Merry Christmas. The end. I have her number blocked on my phone so I

don't get her calls (and they will surely come as you pointed out)...they

go to voicemail. I mostly delete the messages but every once in a while

I'm compelled to listen to one...kinda like slowing down to check out the

accident on the side of the road.

If I did nothing it would make me feel bad. I don't know why but it would

and it does. But I'm guessing everyone reading this message understands

the conflict. So I'll do it this way. I'm in control of me, she isn't.

I hope this gives you an option to put in your hat...

[Guest guest]

Hi Janice,

Thank you for the response. It is possible to send a gift with a card but

again it will stir everything up and she will call and start for sure.

You say you have her number blocked but the calls go to voicemail. How do

you do that? I thought if calls were blocked they could not leave a

voicemail.

Anyway, It is a tough call and I honestly just don't know what I am going

to do right now. I will bring this to my counselor next week and see what

she thinks. The one thing she has told me in the past is that you must be

consistent with BPD, everything is seen in black or white terms so when you

do shades of grey you open yourself up for manipulation, attacks, abuse etc.

So when you make a decision it is best not to waver but to follow thru. Not

sure how this will apply to Christmas but I will speak with her about it and

get some advice.

I know for sure I don't want to start up the crazy drunk phone calls again.

Things are quiet now and I am enjoying the peace.

Tracey

[Guest guest]

I've been in total NC for two months: Part of me wants to contact the FOO

for x-mas just because I know holidays are important to them. I have no

desire to send a gift. My nada goes WAY overboard with gifts that make no

sense and are usually things she would like. She insists on spending a ton

of money so that people " owe " her in other ways. I've ignored the " debt " in

the past and it really irritates her that I don't bend over backwards in

gratitude for a huge jewelry box when I don't wear jewelry.

The other side of me wants to remain silent and stay in complete NC with

them so that they know I'm serious about not being controlled and

manipulated by them. Nada and NPD/Schizoid Fada want complete control of my

kids (12, 9 & 5) and that was mostly what led to NC anyway. As BPD KOs

we're used to the control and manipulation from FOO but when they overstep

and try to control and manipulate your kids you realize just how absurd it

is that they want to do that.

So. . . I hate to have my kids miss out on all the gifts but we are going to

set up and enjoy our own Christmas traditions and not make it about running

here and there and being obsessed by materialism. I'm really looking

forward to no nada drama this season since it is such a rare event!

[Guest guest]

Twyla,

I've jotted down parts of your post and will read them over and over:

The good thing is the longer the silence the more clarity I get on my past.

the longer I am NC the more I want to stay away.

" But I see that I am far from healed. My sleep reveals my subconscious is

digging deeper and feeling much pain. I wake up too often, I am grinding my

teeth and I have a knot in my back "

I woke up screaming last night. Three months after mother's death, the

nightmares have finally come. Don't laugh, it's actually a break through to have

my subconscious mind trying to communicate with my conscious self! I hope that

this nightmare is a signal that i will be able to root out some of the deepest,

darkest undealt with " stuff " from being raised by a BPD nada and move on with my

life.

Beth

[Guest guest]

Hi..new to this site and so amazed...wish I would have found it years ago... I

am 60 and have been NC with nada for 10 years. I just heard she died 20 days

ago. I was relieved, but hurt that she never bothered to call me( don't know

why, really). I have 2 daughters , 28 and 30. We talk every day....and are best

friends. I hardly ever get angry with them or them with me.

The last time I talked to nada...she raged at me, then hung up on me...I was so

upset that night and the next day in work that I could not function at work...I

was 49 at the time, newly divorced...and starting all over again. It was then I

made a life and death decision never to call again... I knew she would never

call me.

For all of my adult life, It was an unwritten rule. I would call her to see how

she was, she would then rage,call me hateful..awful..etc, hang up on me...

After 3 days I would call nada back apologize for something I said to make her

so mad, she would talk for 5 minutes,then " the turn " the rage and the hang up.

I had such an unsettling and unwell,awful feeling after those conversations with

her.

If I kept in contact with her, I seriously don't know if I would have made

it..her attacks was so vicious and unrelenting...and make no mistake..when she

raged..she shook my world

I think I have repressed and forgotten much of her attacks..many of which

were....out of nowhere, unprovoked and for no reason.

But, Beth since I have found out about her death I have been having

horrible nightmares also, night after night...nada is sometimes in the

nightmares and sometimes not. I wonder if anyone else has had this experience.

Thank you for this site and the opportunity to share thoughts and feelings, with

people who actually understand. I kept all these powerful feelings inside for

so long...I felt so alone and shamed ....never knowing I would find so many

kindred spirits.

Sent from my iPad

> Twyla,

>

> I've jotted down parts of your post and will read them over and over:

>

> The good thing is the longer the silence the more clarity I get on my past.

>

> the longer I am NC the more I want to stay away.

>

> " But I see that I am far from healed. My sleep reveals my subconscious is

> digging deeper and feeling much pain. I wake up too often, I am grinding my

> teeth and I have a knot in my back "

>

> I woke up screaming last night. Three months after mother's death, the

nightmares have finally come. Don't laugh, it's actually a break through to have

my subconscious mind trying to communicate with my conscious self! I hope that

this nightmare is a signal that i will be able to root out some of the deepest,

darkest undealt with " stuff " from being raised by a BPD nada and move on with my

life.

>

> Beth

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I hear and appreciate your feedback...

My counseler says " do what I can live with " ...

You are absolutely correct...sending a card/gift opens the door. That

said, only I can determine how far I want that door opened. I know what to

expect...phone calls, voicemails, etc. It's really painful, as you know.

There really seems to be no " right call " so I can only do what allows me

to sleep at night. I'm not going to sleep well one way or the other, but

if I do nothing that will make me feel worse. The holidays will be over

soon and everything will go back to " normal " . I used to love Christmas,

not I dread it.

At least as it relates to nada. Having a great daughter, my husband and

his (adult) kids around makes it special. Regarding nada, I can only wish

for something that will never be.

Here's a funny(?) memory of Christmas when I was around ten or eleven...

nada decided I needed all of my hair cut off as I wasn't taking care of it

" properly " . Uh, I was ten. So she took me to a barber shop (yes, a barber

shop) and he cut my hair as if I were in the military. So then nada told

me I looked hideous. For Christmas that year she bought me a " fall " ,

basically a wig. I wore a wig for Christmas. Did I mention I was ten?

I'm laughing out loud right now at the idiocy of the whole thing.

Someone in the group made a comment today that said my finding humor in all

of this is a double edged sword that some might find offensive. I just

don't know how you can't laugh at some of this insanity. It's too freakin'

unbelievable. I would never intentionally offend anyone in this group. So

many suffer from these crazy/abusive experiences in individual ways. But

if you can try to find some humor in all of this, it can help.

Some of the most successful comedians have the darkest pasts.

I have the new Samsung Galaxy Note and it allows you to block calls. I've

never had a phone that had that feature. What happens is the caller that

is blocked will go straight to voicemail, the phone never rings.

[Guest guest]

Janice/Everyone,

I have no idea what I will do if anything.

Tonight I sat and talked with my kids (23, 26 yrs) as what to do with Mom

for Christmas, the elder said he is " done " . The younger suggested " I " send

a card and I only sign it, Bonnie. They do not want their names on it.

I really intend to have a good Christmas, despite all, it is my favorite

time of year. I love the snow, the colors, the joy and most the Spirit.

I am so drained. Need to stop thinking for now.

Good luck to all of you guys.

Twyla.

From: WTOAdultChildren1

[mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 ] On Behalf Of Janice Hall

Sent: Thursday, November 29, 2012 08:34 AM

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Subject: Re: Christmas Challenge

I've been NC on and off for thirteen years. It's hard to maintain,

especially around the holidays.

I have always, even during the holidays, acknowledged nada by sending her

some kind of gift or making arrangements for her (and a friend if she could

possibly find one) to go someplace really nice for dinner since she lives

so far away.

I wish I had some good advice for you. I'm thinking almost all of us in

the group struggle with the NC thing...especially around the holidays. The

problem with having any contact with nada is it starts the game all over

again. The initial contact will escalate into the ugliness which will

result in needing to go NC again. The cycle.

Christmas is a little more than three weeks away. You (all of us) have

some time to come to a decision which we can live with. For me, I might

simply send nada a gift...some kind of acknowledgment. But no contact.

This is more for me than it is for her. Just like paying her rent/living

expenses. I don't do that for her. I do it for me.

Keep us posted...

[Guest guest]

For what it's worth, my 25 year old daughter will have absolutely nothing

to do with my mother. Nothing.

[Guest guest]

Oh, and by the way...

I hope you and your family have a wonderful Christmas! My Grandmother, who

was amazing, would say " count your blessings " . It sounds like you have a

great relationship with your children and that's a blessing.

[Guest guest]

Thank you Janice and WTO Group. The understanding here is top notch.

From: WTOAdultChildren1

[mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 ] On Behalf Of Janice Hall

Sent: Thursday, November 29, 2012 10:29 PM

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Subject: RE: Re: Christmas Challenge

Oh, and by the way...

I hope you and your family have a wonderful Christmas! My Grandmother, who

was amazing, would say " count your blessings " . It sounds like you have a

great relationship with your children and that's a blessing.

[Guest guest]

After I went totally NC with my nada, each time I'd send her a card (like for

Christmas or her birthday, etc.) she would interpret that as indicating that I

was " over it " and wanted to renew contact. So, after a year or so I decided to

stop sending occasional cards because it started feeling to me like that was

being cruel to her.

-Annie

>

> I am in the same position as you. I have been NC for about a month and

> trying to decide whether to send her a gift or not for Christmas. She won't

> send me anything that is for sure but I know sending her a gift will

> prompt her to call me and think that I want to resume communication. It is

> a tough call. I feel bad not sending her anything but on the other hand I

> don't want to open up " Pandora's box " either. Things are so peaceful right

> now and I know if I send a gift and she calls it will start all over again

> and I just don't want that.

>

>

>

> I would love to hear others shares on this and what they have done regarding

> NC and the holidays.

>

>

>

> Tracey

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Annie,

How long have you been NC with your mother? Has it been " on and off " like

me or have you been able to maintain more of a consistency?

I agree with you about giving her any glimmer of hope that it's " on " again.

And then the phone calls start.

I keep thinking about what my shrink asked me last time we spoke... " what

can you live with " ? I thought I had made that decision for myself, but

since joining this group I am beginning to change my point of view.

Nadas have no treatment/cure for their personality disorder. The posts

I've been reading has been such an informative eye opener...so many of

these people share nearly identical traits, raging, lying, abuse, etc.

What's the point in doing anything for someone who (A) expects it and (

doesn't appreciate it and © in the end, will tell you it was a piece of

junk anyway?

I'm going to chew on your position a bit. I may have to adopt it.

Thank you...

[Guest guest]

My background: my nada died about this time last year. But Sister and I just

recently discovered nada's therapy journal pages and in her own hand nada

admitted that she had never actually liked me. So it felt like getting a slap

from my nada again, from the grave. I thought that not liking me had been when

I was a really little kid and she'd gotten over it, so her revelation knocked me

back in my healing journey. I'm still processing that.

I'm guessing that nada was really truly pissed off at me for initiating No

Contact with her.

I went No Contact with my nada about 3 years before she died. Having contact

with her had literally started making me physically ill. I intended the no

contact to be permanent but I let her down gently. I told her I needed a time

out to work on my own issues (making it about me instead of attacking her.) My

Sister on the other hand was in and out of contact with nada because Sister was

acting as our mother's part time caregiver. Sometimes the No Contact would be

initiated by nada, sometimes by Sister. It was like that up until nada died.

I did break contact and visit nada when Sister told me that our nada was

terminally ill and in hospice. Nada seemed OK with me visiting her, but I truly

believe that by that time her senile dementia was so advanced and she was so

drugged up with anti-psychotic and anti-violence meds that she wasn't even

really aware that it was me. So, I got to say " goodbye " to my nada in person,

and have at least some closure.

-Annie

>

> Annie,

>

> How long have you been NC with your mother? Has it been " on and off " like

> me or have you been able to maintain more of a consistency?

>

> I agree with you about giving her any glimmer of hope that it's " on " again.

> And then the phone calls start.

>

> I keep thinking about what my shrink asked me last time we spoke... " what

> can you live with " ? I thought I had made that decision for myself, but

> since joining this group I am beginning to change my point of view.

>

> Nadas have no treatment/cure for their personality disorder. The posts

> I've been reading has been such an informative eye opener...so many of

> these people share nearly identical traits, raging, lying, abuse, etc.

> What's the point in doing anything for someone who (A) expects it and (

> doesn't appreciate it and © in the end, will tell you it was a piece of

> junk anyway?

>

> I'm going to chew on your position a bit. I may have to adopt it.

>

> Thank you...

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Dear Annie,

I just read your post and I feel so much empathy for you about what you just

discovered. I give you a ((((hug)))) <3

I wouldn't be surprised if I would discover too one day that my nada doesn't

love me either. It should be terrible to read that. I will pray for you Annie

that you find confort and healing about this painfull past relationship.

Please take very good care of yourself.

Natacha

XXXX

________________________________

De : anuria67854 anuria-67854@...>

À : WTOAdultChildren1

Envoyé le : Vendredi 30 novembre 2012 22h18

Objet : Re: Christmas Challenge

 

My background: my nada died about this time last year. But Sister and I just

recently discovered nada's therapy journal pages and in her own hand nada

admitted that she had never actually liked me. So it felt like getting a slap

from my nada again, from the grave. I thought that not liking me had been when

I was a really little kid and she'd gotten over it, so her revelation knocked me

back in my healing journey. I'm still processing that.

I'm guessing that nada was really truly pissed off at me for initiating No

Contact with her.

I went No Contact with my nada about 3 years before she died. Having contact

with her had literally started making me physically ill. I intended the no

contact to be permanent but I let her down gently. I told her I needed a time

out to work on my own issues (making it about me instead of attacking her.) My

Sister on the other hand was in and out of contact with nada because Sister was

acting as our mother's part time caregiver. Sometimes the No Contact would be

initiated by nada, sometimes by Sister. It was like that up until nada died.

I did break contact and visit nada when Sister told me that our nada was

terminally ill and in hospice. Nada seemed OK with me visiting her, but I truly

believe that by that time her senile dementia was so advanced and she was so

drugged up with anti-psychotic and anti-violence meds that she wasn't even

really aware that it was me. So, I got to say " goodbye " to my nada in person,

and have at least some closure.

-Annie

>

> Annie,

>

> How long have you been NC with your mother? Has it been " on and off " like

> me or have you been able to maintain more of a consistency?

>

> I agree with you about giving her any glimmer of hope that it's " on " again.

> And then the phone calls start.

>

> I keep thinking about what my shrink asked me last time we spoke... " what

> can you live with " ? I thought I had made that decision for myself, but

> since joining this group I am beginning to change my point of view.

>

> Nadas have no treatment/cure for their personality disorder. The posts

> I've been reading has been such an informative eye opener...so many of

> these people share nearly identical traits, raging, lying, abuse, etc.

> What's the point in doing anything for someone who (A) expects it and (

> doesn't appreciate it and © in the end, will tell you it was a piece of

> junk anyway?

>

> I'm going to chew on your position a bit. I may have to adopt it.

>

> Thank you...

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

That is so hard Annie. I can (and will) give you the advice you have given so

many of us before, that this is just a reflection of her sickness and has

nothing to do with you- she lived in service of her disease and there was

nothing you could have done to have changed that. That said, it's perfectly

understandable why Nada saying that would be so painful to you. We are all

supposed to receive nurturing from our mothers but instead we receive pain, put

downs and invalidation. I'm so sorry for your experience. You have every reason

and right to be upset.

But even if Nada didn't like you (which as you pointed out probably isn't even

true, she was probably just acting out of the NC abandonment issue), it is not a

reflection on your overall likability. I know I speak for so many others in

saying that you've done a great service to so many of us here and I think it's

pretty clear that our collective like for you significantly outnumbers however

much it would have been possible for your Nada to have disliked you.

That's not to say you don't have a right to be upset by Nada saying that to you-

you sure do. I just hope for your sake that over the long term you're able to

keep it in context and contained where it belongs- in the " Nada is ill " box and

not as a reflection on you. You deserve so much more. I'm so sorry you didn't

get it from her.

> >

> > Annie,

> >

> > How long have you been NC with your mother? Has it been " on and off " like

> > me or have you been able to maintain more of a consistency?

> >

> > I agree with you about giving her any glimmer of hope that it's " on " again.

> > And then the phone calls start.

> >

> > I keep thinking about what my shrink asked me last time we spoke... " what

> > can you live with " ? I thought I had made that decision for myself, but

> > since joining this group I am beginning to change my point of view.

> >

> > Nadas have no treatment/cure for their personality disorder. The posts

> > I've been reading has been such an informative eye opener...so many of

> > these people share nearly identical traits, raging, lying, abuse, etc.

> > What's the point in doing anything for someone who (A) expects it and (

> > doesn't appreciate it and © in the end, will tell you it was a piece of

> > junk anyway?

> >

> > I'm going to chew on your position a bit. I may have to adopt it.

> >

> > Thank you...

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Hi Annie,

I feel the exact same way that by sending a card and gift seems like I want

to resume contact and then when I don't take her calls she will be upset and

not understand why. Since in her mind if I am sending a card and gift I must

be over it and ready to talk again. It does seem sort of cruel to me to

send a card and then ignore her calls. Like a mixed message.

I think it is just easier not to do anything and remain NC. I have given

Nada plenty of gifts and money thru the years. None of it has she ever

really appreciated anyway.

As my mother according to her, I " should " give her the gifts and money and

be happy to give them to her whether she deserves them or not since I have

no children of my own. They are words right form her own mouth. She

expects, expects, expects and gives nothing in return.

Not giving her more while she takes and gives nothing is about the only way

I can get it thru her head that I am done being used and abused. Till she

can treat me kindly and with some decency and respect I don't intend on

giving anymore. It is sad that we all feel so much guilt and angst over

getting them or not getting them a card and gift. I only wish my Nada sat

around agonizing over whether to do the same for me. Nope she goes right

about her life. She won't be feeling even a little bad about not sending

me anything.

Tracey

[Guest guest]

Annie - I'm so sorry for your having to read that in your nada's journal.

You can imagine, hopefully, that it was a black period she was painting you

in instead of an all out opinion. Either way it is difficult to process and

deal with. L

[Guest guest]

I've been thinking about this and it has occurred to me that one

way to think about this is to consider how you'd feel if she did

what you're considering doing. How would you feel if she sent

you a card and/or a gift while you're in NC mode? If you don't

think she should be doing it, then you probably shouldn't be

doing it either. If you wouldn't have a problem with getting a

gift from her, then maybe it is appropriate to consider sending

her one. (There are additional considerations, so that's only a

" maybe " .) There's a certain amount of two-way-ness to boundaries

and generally you don't want to be doing the things you're

telling the other person not to do. Not doing so feels like

saying " do what I say and not what I do " and that's problematic.

My general take on NC is that no contact means no contact, not

" a little contact here and there when I feel like it " . There's

just no way I can successfully have no contact at all so I don't

even try. I just try to have only a little contact and only on

my terms. I give my nada small gifts for appropriate occasions.

At 10:01 AM 11/29/2012 Twyla wrote:

>Since I decided NC with my mother 5 weeks ago, I have been

>through a lot of

>emotional up and downs. I came out of the FOG to a great

>degree a year

>ago..after years of not having a clue who she is and what she

>likely had.

>

>

>

>The good thing is the longer the silence the more clarity I get

>on my past.

>I can now finally piece together all the missing links of

>bizarre behaviors

>in my FOO and of myself in reaction. No wonder I lived with

>panic attacks

>most of my life.

>

>

>

>I am wondering if the silence is deafening to her also? she

>has her momnets

>of clearity also that I have seen..the longer I am NC the more

>I want to

>stay away. I have even felt sheer joyful episodes in my life

>this last

>week.

>

>

>

>But I see that I am far from healed. My sleep reveals my

>subconscious is

>digging deeper and feeling much pain. I wake up too often, I

>am grinding my

>teeth and I have a knot in my back that almost feels like I

>will puke in the

>mornings.

>

>

>

>I so wish this could be resolved...it will not be the way I

>want.

>

>

>

>Christmas is coming and my next challenge will be if I send her

>anything or

>just continue this way or if she will bother with us all

>here. I am sure my

>alcoholic, undiagnosed sociopath older brother is right behind

>her telling

>her how awful I am etc. He is a great manipulator and she

>listens as she is

>the Hermit/Waif great example.

>

>

>

>Any shares so welcome

>

>

>

>Twyla

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

Welcome, ! I hope you are able to find some healing here. I have been

greatly blessed by this group.