Christmas Challenge

[Guest guest]

Hi , your words touched me. It's really amazing that you were able to go

NC on your own with out even knowing about BPD or having other CO's to support

you. That was a brave and smart thing to do! I'm sorry you found out after your

Mom died and didn't get a chance to decide if you wanted to say good bye or not.

That must be hard...I often wondered what I would do if my Nada died while I was

NC. I really think I would feel relief like you...but also guilt for leaving

her and not saying goodbye. I am a firm believer in the after life and I do

believe also that now that your Nada has passed, so too is her mental illness

gone. You can talk to her now and say what ever you want and I believe she will

hear you and understand your feelings. If you are having these bad dreams, you

are in need of some cleansing of your feelings about her. I know this sounds

silly but you need to have your own personal funeral for her. Light a candle

and say goodbye or write something about her and read it out loud. Say what

ever you want...it doesn't have to be something nice because no one but you are

going to hear it, just you and your Nada. Tell her how she made you feel and be

honest. Say good bye and let her go. I actually did this for my own Nada and

she is still alive. It was a suggestion in one of the BPD books I read. It

took me a year to finally do it because it sounded so weird to have a funeral

for someone who is still alive but it really helped. I had a funeral for the

Mother I never had...the good loving Mother that I wanted to have but didn't. I

had to say goodbye to this imaginary Mother so that I could stop hoping that my

Nada would somehow magically change into the Mother I needed. I know are

situation is different but I really think it could help you get closer and also

help stop the bad dreams. Pray too that all negative spirits go to the light and

leave you alone...just in case your Nada has come back as a bad spirit....which

I also worry about my Nada doing. Sorry if you don't believe in this stuff and

I sound really crazy! I do believe it though!

YOu were right in that it was a life and death situation for you when you went

NC. I too felt like if I don't get her out of my life she is going to

completely destroy me. Right about the time I went NC I too was getting calls

from my Nada about every 3 days. By the time we hung up I felt like a hand

grenade had gone off near me and I would curl up in a ball on my bed and cry

myself to sleep. After waking it would take me a day or two to try to forget

what she said and try to feel normal again...I would just start to feel like I

had shaken her words off me on the third day when the next call would come. I

began to have panic attacks when the phone would ring, afraid to see if it was

her that was calling...because I knew my world was going to be shaken again and

the 3 days of trying to heal would begin again. I thought of it like Pavlovs'

dog experiment...but instead of drooling when I heard a bell because I knew I

was about to be feed, I would panic from the sound of the phone because I knew I

was going to be verbally abused. YOu were right it stopping it when you did, I

let it go on to the point where I was afraid to leave my house. I thought

everyone (strangers) thought all the same mean nasty things my Nada was telling

me they thought and what she thought. I had social anxiety so bad that I

stopped going anywhere. The day I knew I had to go NC was the day that my

social anxiety caused me to stand up my 5th grade son at a very important school

day event. I was too afraid to get out of me car and walk by myself into the

school for fear every eye that looked my way was thinking those same horrible

thoughts my Nada tried so hard to convince me they were. My kids are everything

to me and that was the day that I knew I had to get her out of my life because I

was not about to let her affect my relationship with my kids in a negative

way...ever again.

I have been NC for 5 years now but just this summer felt I had healed enough and

was strong enough to see her in small doses. I only saw her twice in person and

it was weird...like I was standing next to a total stranger....and not just any

stranger but one that I knew was a bad person and not to be trusted. She did not

feel like my Mom. She cried and I had no sympathy for her at all. I said nice

things to her...like I would say to a stranger but I had no feelings behind my

words. It was like she was a card board person that I had absolutely no

feelings towards. I truly have more emotions and feelings for a real stranger

than I did her.

Like everyone in here is saying it has opened up Pandora's box. now she is

texting me nightly and I have been letting my guard down slowly. I just

realized last night what I am doing! I told her all this personal stuff about

my life this past week because I didn't want to have to spend Thanksgiving with

her. So I felt guilt that I was not inviting her to my house or offering to

come see her for Thanksgiving. I felt I had to make up all these excuses to

make the reason we couldn't be together something other than what it really

is....I don't want to ruin my Thanksgiving or my Family's. But I told her how

broke we were right now and I can't afford gas to drive to Dallas or we aren't

feeling good. But then we ended up driving just as far to go to my Dads house

and I knew she would find out so I had to make up an excuse why it was important

that we go to my Dads's. OKAY< what the heck happened to my NC?.... I loved

being NC it was so simple! No Christmas gifts, no Birthdays No calls, No guilt

no nothing. Now I am back trying to think of dumb excuses to not see her. Then

I play with the idea of " what if we just invite her over for the holiday and get

it over with " WHAT AM I THINKING? I don't remember why I decided to see her

again this summer anyway....I think it was because i was feeling strong and like

I could deal with her. Now I am wishing I had left things the way they were.

She is trying really hard to be nice to me right now but occasionally sneaks in

a spiteful word or two but does a really good job to make it mild so i can't

really call her on it...because it's too easy for her to say I am

misunderstanding her. She's trying really hard to do something for me to make

me feel indebted to her too ...offering to send us money (NO WAY) offering to

give us all these gently used kitchen appliances to upgrade our kitchen. She

keeps suggesting that she drive 4 hours to my house to help me clean and

decorate. I have to keep coming up with all these excuses to say NO THANKS. I

know what she is doing...she wants me to feel obligated to her for stuff. I

want to stop what I started but she hasn't done anything so offensive for me to

say I don't want her in my life again.

My suggestion to those wondering if you should send a Christmas gift or

card...or Nothing. My suggestion is to send Nothing. It sorta stings... " the

guilt " of not sending anything but only on that day...this is worse....having

her back in my life and having to think of how to go NC again.

best of luck and Happy Holiday to ALL!

DeeDee

>

> > Twyla,

> >

> > I've jotted down parts of your post and will read them over and over:

> >

> > The good thing is the longer the silence the more clarity I get on my past.

> >

> > the longer I am NC the more I want to stay away.

> >

> > " But I see that I am far from healed. My sleep reveals my subconscious is

> > digging deeper and feeling much pain. I wake up too often, I am grinding my

> > teeth and I have a knot in my back "

> >

> > I woke up screaming last night. Three months after mother's death, the

nightmares have finally come. Don't laugh, it's actually a break through to have

my subconscious mind trying to communicate with my conscious self! I hope that

this nightmare is a signal that i will be able to root out some of the deepest,

darkest undealt with " stuff " from being raised by a BPD nada and move on with my

life.

> >

> > Beth

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

HI Dee Dee,

Thank you for sharing your NC experience.. About 10 years ago I was NC with

Nada for 5 years then my dad passed away and we slowly resumed. Nada does

nothing halfway so once the door was open it didn't take long before we were

back in full swing. At first she was on good behavior but it didn't last.

The anger and nasty drunk phone calls started up all over again. This time

she had even more 'ammunition " at me for being NC and that I made her leave

my house because she was drinking etc. she continued to bring up all the

things I had " done wrong to her. "

Her behavior quickly reminded me why I went NC in the first place but I

couldn't get out of it so easily so I went along for awhile taking the abuse

mixed in with some nice phone calls.

Finally 4 weeks ago I had enough and am NC again and I have made my decision

to just leave it be and not do anything for the holidays. It is just

" cleaner " that way. If I start sending things and making calls to say

happy holiday it sends too many mixed messages. It is isn't fair to her or

me. Yes I will feel guilt and it is a price I am willing to pay to not

tolerate the abuse that will surely ensue if I initiate contact again.

Best to just leave it alone for now.

Tracey

[Guest guest]

Congratulations Tracey for being free of her at the moment....wish I was back

there again!

DeeDee

>

> HI Dee Dee,

>

>

>

> Thank you for sharing your NC experience.. About 10 years ago I was NC with

> Nada for 5 years then my dad passed away and we slowly resumed. Nada does

> nothing halfway so once the door was open it didn't take long before we were

> back in full swing. At first she was on good behavior but it didn't last.

> The anger and nasty drunk phone calls started up all over again. This time

> she had even more 'ammunition " at me for being NC and that I made her leave

> my house because she was drinking etc. she continued to bring up all the

> things I had " done wrong to her. "

>

>

>

> Her behavior quickly reminded me why I went NC in the first place but I

> couldn't get out of it so easily so I went along for awhile taking the abuse

> mixed in with some nice phone calls.

>

>

>

> Finally 4 weeks ago I had enough and am NC again and I have made my decision

> to just leave it be and not do anything for the holidays. It is just

> " cleaner " that way. If I start sending things and making calls to say

> happy holiday it sends too many mixed messages. It is isn't fair to her or

> me. Yes I will feel guilt and it is a price I am willing to pay to not

> tolerate the abuse that will surely ensue if I initiate contact again.

>

>

>

> Best to just leave it alone for now.

>

>

>

> Tracey

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

HI Dee Dee,

I have to admit I am enjoying the peace while I have it! I hope you find

some also.

It is comforting to know that you went NC before and if necessary you can do

it again. You will know when you have reached your limit.

It's funny but while I am in the mix with my Nada I always think what will

she do if I go NC again.... she will " die " without me. I realize now that

is my little girl talking. The one that always wanted to " save " her mom.

The reality is Nada always goes on and lives her life with or without me.

Tracey

[Guest guest]

Wow, Annie, that is quite a story. Good to have had in-person closure as

I'm guessing if you hadn't it would haunt you the rest of your life.

Is is inappropriate for me to ask your age? I'm just wondering how long

you lived with the torment...

I'm in my mid-50's and it's been hell for me for all of these years. I'm

finally getting some kind of grip on the whole thing through this group. I

knew what my mother was through my therapist, but to have this forum to

exchange experiences, suggestions, thoughts and feelings has been very

beneficial.

It's so much different from having a shrink simply label it and give you

textbook advice. NOTE: To any shrink who may be reading this...

no offense. ))

[Guest guest]

My nada died last year when I was 59. I'd been in No Contact with her for three

years before she died. Prior to that, it was at about age 50 that I began

educating myself about personality disorders, started reading some of the books

about it, and started processing the nature of our relationship and getting some

perspective on what was going on RE my mother's traits and behaviors, her way of

thinking and reacting. It took me quite a while to wrap my mind around why she

had a kind of Jekyll/Hyde thing going on and was sometimes (seemingly) loving

toward me but could turn on me and eviscerate me verbally an instant later for

what seemed to me to be minor reasons or even no reason at all.

" Understanding The Borderline Mother " helped me a lot.

My only real regret is that I did not go in for therapy myself when I was a

young adult.

I think it could have helped me process all this trauma and damage, and maybe

even have resulted in a more normal life for me, much more quickly and

efficiently than I've been able to do it on my own.

-Annie

>

> Wow, Annie, that is quite a story. Good to have had in-person closure as

> I'm guessing if you hadn't it would haunt you the rest of your life.

>

> Is is inappropriate for me to ask your age? I'm just wondering how long

> you lived with the torment...

>

> I'm in my mid-50's and it's been hell for me for all of these years. I'm

> finally getting some kind of grip on the whole thing through this group. I

> knew what my mother was through my therapist, but to have this forum to

> exchange experiences, suggestions, thoughts and feelings has been very

> beneficial.

> It's so much different from having a shrink simply label it and give you

> textbook advice. NOTE: To any shrink who may be reading this...

> no offense. ))

>

>

>